Epilogue

Jim's eyes flew open. He lay there a moment, disoriented by the pictures that had been flying through his dreams, then the sudden awakening.

"I froze."

Jim bit his lip.

"I could have saved Middleton."

Then it got worse.

"I shot Middleton."

Jim sat up quickly and threw his legs over the side of the bed. He just wanted to get away.

He hadn't thought of Greg Hermanson in a while, so why now?

Terry. Seeing Terry again last night outside of LeFrak.

Terry froze. He could have saved me. He should have saved me. He didn't pull the trigger himself, but he may as well have.

Jim leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped. He'd given absolution to Greg. Told him it wasn't his fault.

Why was it so different with Terry?

Greg had been hurting. The guilt had been slowly killing him. Jim told him to let it go.

It must have been the same with Terry, but Jim couldn't forgive him. Why? Because it was him? Because he never should have let it happen?

How wrong was that? It was one thing to tell someone it was all okay when he really wasn't involved—cop instinct, he guessed. But when it came down to his own life, he was an unforgiving bastard. With Terry. With his wife.

"Jimmy?" Christie mumbled from her side of the bed.

Jim got up and walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He had no idea what time it was, but he sat on the edge of the couch, staring out toward the window.

He couldn't see. How could he forgive that?

Was it really Terry's fault?

What if Terry had frozen and Jim hadn't been shot? Or what if he had been shot, but everything was okay? Would he have forgiven Terry then?

He never would have been able to trust him again.

He would have gone to the lieutenant and requested Terry be put on light duty for failure to perform his duties. Maybe they would have decided Terry needed counseling to see if he could ever come back.

But he had been shot. The decisions about Terry had all taken place while Jim was still unconscious and couldn't tell anyone what had happened that day. Even if he had told anyone, they probably would have just thought he was bitter, looking for someone to blame so he wouldn't have to blame himself.

"I froze."

"You can't keep beating yourself up about this."

It was too late for Terry. While Greg had been looking for forgiveness, Terry had shot himself. Jim couldn't forgive him for that, too, for framing an innocent kid just to make himself feel better.

"Middleton's widow, and his family? They buried him a long time ago."

Is that what he'd been trying to get Terry to do, to just leave him alone to heal?

Terry had been hurting. He'd been looking for forgiveness.

Jim wouldn't even talk to him. He'd talked to Greg because he'd been on the periphery of the situation. But Terry? He hadn't been ready to talk, to forgive him.

What if Terry hadn't shot himself that day? What if a couple years had passed, giving Jim enough time to feel like he was getting his life back?

He wasn't dead, like Middleton.

Would Middleton have forgiven Greg, had he lived?

There'd been a lot of casualties. They'd all known, just being over there, that any moment could be their last.

Terry hadn't shot himself. He'd just frozen.

And he'd known, at the bank, watching cops being shot, known just being a cop, it was dangerous. Any moment could have been his last.

He'd lived.

Maybe he was still pissed that he hadn't died.

Sure, he was getting his life back in order, but it wasn't the same. He was accepting it all, slowly… But still looking for someone to blame?

"What happened, happened."

He'd said that to the guys at his new squad after an undercover operation went bad. Would he have been able to keep to those words if they hadn't found Hank? Or if he'd taken more than the butt of a gun to the belly?

If he'd died, or been shot…?

It was Terry's mistake, the bank, the roof.

So why couldn't he forgive him?

Jim shook his head and lay back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. Problem was, he had to imagine the ceiling was even there.

He'd lost so much. He'd never let anyone know how it affected him. Christie sort of knew. Terry might know; they'd been partners for three years. Terry would definitely know. He'd been at the bank. He'd seen Jim on the job, before and since. He would know Jim wasn't the same.

Jim wasn't sure either of them could handle that. He was saving them both from that.

That's why he couldn't forgive Terry.