(Disclaimer: No, I don't own the Titans. Sigh.)
-Chapter Two: On Pairings-
Strangely enough, Beast Boy was often the first of the Titans to wake up in the morning. This was partially because his teenaged tendency towards sleeping in had reached something of a compromise with some of his more animalistic instincts, which told him that he might get eaten if he spent too much time asleep, and with Cyborg the Carnivore around this was a distinct possibility. The other factor in Beast Boy's habit of rising early, now that we've mentioned Cyborg, was being able to beat him to the cooking utensils in the morning so that they would be pristine and meat-free for whatever glorious monuments of vegetarian cuisine Beast Boy might feel like cooking up for himself. Speaking of which…
"Aahhh, instant ramen, the breakfast of champions!" Beast Boy sighed wistfully as he dumped an oddly appetizing square of uncooked noodly goodness out of its brightly coloured plastic wrapper and into a small pot of boiling water. He crumpled the wrapper in one hand and tossed it over his shoulder and onto the floor, where it immediately uncrumpled. He would pick it up later, if he remembered, and even if he didn't he would be reminded by Robin screaming at him at ten-thirty after slipping on the treacherous little plastic rectangle like he did every morning. As he stirred lazily, waiting for the noodles to begin to soften and break up, his sensitive pointed ears picked up what sounded like muffled whispers coming from the wall of windows behind the TV, saying something about 'carbs' and 'taking the Atkins angle'. Beast Boy turned to see what the cause of the sound was, and screamed when he saw a man and woman sitting on the other side of the glass on what looked like a window washing platform—the man had a camera, and the woman was scribbling furiously in a small notebook. Realizing that they were caught, they screamed back.
"Aaaaaaahhhh!" screamed Beast Boy.
"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" screamed the woman.
"Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" screamed Beast Boy.
"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" screamed the man.
"Um…hey, I think your noodles are done," the woman pointed out, gesturing towards the bubbling pot with her pen.
"Oh, thanks," Beast Boy said, and quickly turned off the stove and dumped his soup into a waiting bowl. He then turned back to the man and woman at the window.
"So…um…where were we?" he asked, scratching the back of his head.
"I think we were still screaming at each other in shock," the man replied.
"Oh, right!" Beast Boy exclaimed. "Well, then…Aaaaaaaauuuugghhhhh!"
"What the HELL is going on in here?" Robin hollered from the doorway, his face red with fury. Beast Boy dove under the kitchen table in a spectacularly unsuccessful attempt to hide, pausing only to reach out and snatch the wrapper from his ramen off of the floor in a flash of misplaced clarity.
"They started it!" Beast Boy shouted, pointing at the man and woman from under the table. Robin glared at the two voyeurs, first in shock, then in anger. They, for their part, grinned nervously. The man tried to hide his camera behind his back. Robin gritted his teeth.
"Get them in here," he growled, then spun on his heel and marched out of the room. Beast Boy looked around to see if there was anyone else around who might be able to follow this order, but it was futile—after all, nobody but him and Robin was even up yet. He sighed, resigning himself to the fact that he would not be able to enjoy the noodly breakfast that he had spent a full three minutes lovingly preparing, and set off towards the elevator to get outside and retrieve the two spies.
OOO
"So let me get this straight: you two are tabloid reporters?" Robin asked. The man and woman, now sitting quietly inside the tower, both nodded.
"And you're doing a story on us?" Robin continued. The two reporters nodded again. "Why the hell would you do that?"
"It's what the people want to see!" the woman, who was named Carla, cried. "Five teens with incredible powers, all living under the same roof—it's gold!"
"It is?" Cyborg asked, a bemused expression on his face. He and the other Titans had been woken by Beast Boy's screaming as well, although only Robin had actually done anything about it, and they were now gathered around the two reporters.
"Oh, yes!" Carla gushed. "I can't even imagine all the exciting, dramatic events that must make up your daily lives!"
"Um…usually we just kind of, uh, fight crime and stuff," Robin said lamely. "Sometimes we do the dishes, but that really isn't…"
"Oh, but the relationships! The sexual tensions on the team must be absolutely phenomenal!" Carla exclaimed. "Why, I was only watching you for a few minutes, and I've already got loads of juicy stuff for my article!"
"Uhhhh…all you saw was me making ramen," Beast Boy said, scratching his head in confusion. "That isn't exactly what I'd call juicy. Brothy, maybe, but…"
"Oh, a professional writer like me knows how to work with even the smallest things," Carla boasted proudly.
"In other words, she makes shit up as she goes," said the man, who was named Greg.
"Oh, like you're any better," Carla huffed, crossing her arms across her chest.
"Hey, pictures don't lie!" Greg cried.
"Maybe so, but photoshop does," Carla shot back with a smirk. Greg opened his mouth to make a snide reply, but he was interrupted by Robin.
"Look, I hate to break this up, but are there any more reporters like you hanging around?" he asked.
"Oh, yeah, sure," Carla replied casually. "Like I said, five teenagers living together is just gold for the tabloids, so there are reporters all over this tower."
"Oh, really?" Cyborg said. "Well, I'll have you know that we have the best security system this side of Fort Knox. I designed it myself. So I think that if there were any more reporters in the tower I'd know about it."
"Well, in that case, you'd know about Harry, then," Greg said, pointing at the ceiling. The Titans all looked up, and sure enough, a man dressed like he was in a 'Mission: Impossible' movie was hanging from the ceiling by giant rubber suction cups attached to his hands and feet.
"Um…hi," Harry said.
"Get down from there!" Robin shouted. Harry glanced around at the five teenaged superheroes arrayed beneath him, taking particular note of their facial expressions, all of which displayed varying degrees of annoyance.
"Um…no," Harry said.
"Raven, if you would be so kind…?" Robin asked, an evil smile forming on his face.
"Oh, I most certainly would," Raven replied, and her eyes glowed black for a moment. There was a loud popping sound, a small scream, and then Harry plummeted to the ground, landing with a thump.
"Owwie," he moaned. Robin ignored him, and spun on his heel to face Carla and Greg, who both gulped nervously.
"Now, then—how many other reporters are in here?" Robin demanded, his evil smile growing even wider.
OOO
Twenty minutes later…
All told, there were nearly two dozen reporters. They had all been rooted out of their various hiding spots, many of which defied at least one law of physics, and were now herded together into one big swarm. Carla and Greg seemed to be acting as the unofficial spokespeople for the group, apparently against their will.
"Right, so that's all of you?" Robin asked, the edge in his voice apparent for anyone with ears to hear it. The reporters all nodded furiously as a single unit.
"You're not lying, are you?" Robin continued, in a tone that suggested that anyone who was could expect to endure an extended period of very severe pain in the near future if he ever found out about it, with the tagline that he most certainly would find out. The reporters all shook their heads no, again as a single unit.
"Well, good. Now get out of our tower," Robin ordered, but instead of immediately and fearfully obeying as he had expected them to, the reporters just collectively let out a plaintive wail and stayed firmly in place.
"We can't do that!" Carla cried. "We'll lose our jobs!"
"Five irritated superheroes have caught you sneaking around in their home, and you're worried about losing your jobs?" Raven asked incredulously.
"Well, it's not like we can make a living doing anything else," Greg explained. "If we lose our tabloid jobs, it'll be back to…flipping burgers." The swarm of reporters shuddered involuntarily.
"Well, we can't just have you running around all over the place," Cyborg said. "I'm going to be making some serious upgrades to our security system."
"So?" asked Carla.
"So they're going to involve lasers—lots of lasers," Cyborg continued, but Carla and the other reporters still only gave him a look of utter incomprehension. He sighed. "Lasers that will burn holes in you if you're sneaking around the tower."
"Oooohhhh, riiiiiigghhhhht," the reporters all said together as understanding dawned on them.
"But surely we could not just send all these people to their fate of flipping of the burgers," Starfire chimed in. "We are heroes—should we not show compassion?"
"You do realize that they'd probably be trying to get pictures of you in the nude, don't you?" Raven asked, arching her eyebrows in sardonic disbelief. Starfire stiffened.
"Kill 'em all!" she growled, clenching her fists, her eyes lighting up with barely contained green energy. The reporters tried to make themselves look as small as possible.
"Hmmm…Starfire's probably right," Robin said. The reporters gasped in shock and betrayal.
"The first time," Robin added hurriedly—he knew a lawsuit when he saw it. "The compassion thing, not the killing thing." The reporters all breathed sighs of relief and Robin continued outlining his plan.
"We can't have you sneaking around by yourselves, obviously—not just for our privacy, but because some of the things we have in the evidence room could be very dangerous if any of you stumbled across them," he explained. "However, just throwing you out and causing you to lose your jobs would be a bit cruel, so how about this: you can stay in the tower and collect all the information you want, but only if you all keep together and are escorted by a member of the Titans at all times."
"So we'd be able to see all the interactions between team members?" Carla asked. "And we could write it all down?"
"What about pictures? Are they okay?" Greg added.
"Yes, that's fine, but try to keep the flashes under control," Robin replied. "Oh, and we will of course maintain the right to review all your material and keep anything that might result in a breach in security from being published—specs on our defence systems, the exact natures of our powers, and other stuff like that."
"Sure. All we really care about are the relationships," Carla said. "Who's dating whom, and that sort of thing."
There was an awkward pause as each of the Titans took time to consider this sentence, hoping it didn't mean what they thought it meant.
"Wait, you don't think we're dating each other, do you?" Robin asked, half joking.
"Um…yeah," Carla responded. Behind her, the other reporters all nodded. "I mean, we don't all agree on the couples, but we're all pretty sure you're dating each other in some way."
"What? What the hell do you mean by that?" Robin demanded angrily.
"Well, it's pretty obvious that you and Starfire have a little thing going on, isn't it?" Carla said. Robin gaped at her, but the worst was yet to come—her statement had set off what seemed remarkably like a minor civil war amongst the reporters.
"No way!" one cried. "Robin is totally going out with Raven! They're both all dark and stuff—it's perfect!"
"Oh, come on," groaned another. "Everyone knows Raven's a lesbian."
"Pardon?" Raven asked, but they ignored her.
"You're just saying that because you're a horny guy who thinks it would be hot!" accused one of the other reporters.
"Actually, I think she's a lesbian too, and I'm not a horny guy," interjected a young female reporter.
"Well, sure, but you are a lesbian—of course you'd like to have the option of making out with a superhero," said another reporter.
"Do I get a say in this?" Raven asked. Once again, she was ignored.
"I agree that Raven's a lesbian, but who is she going out with? I say Starfire," proposed yet another anonymous reporter.
"No! Jinx! They'd make such a cute couple!"
"Terra!"
"What? Are you insane?"
"Yeah, Terra and Beast Boy are totally an item."
"No, Beast Boy could be going out with Starfire."
"He could be, sure, but he isn't."
"Aren't he and Raven dating?"
"Absolutely not! They're fundamentally incompatible!"
"How do you figure?"
"Ummm…what about me?" asked Cyborg. "Who do you think I'm dating?"
"Bumblebee!"
"Raven!"
"Jinx!"
"Starfire!"
"Your Gamestation!"
"Okay, forget I asked," Cyborg grumbled.
"Atlas!"
"Hey! That's not cool!" Cyborg shouted, but despite the volume of his voice he, too, was ignored just as easily as Raven was.
"Yeah, right, that would be like saying Robin was going out with Slade."
"Isn't he?"
"That's ENOUGH!" Robin screamed, finally silencing the reporters. "If you're going to be in this tower, then at least SHUT UP, or it's back to flipping BURGERS for ALL OF YOU!"
"So, um…you're not going to confirm that any of you are dating each other?" Carla quavered hesitantly. She shrank back as Robin turned to glare at her.
"You're here to watch, right?" he asked rhetorically in a deadly whisper. "Just watch. If any of us actually are dating, you'll be able to see that, won't you?"
"Right," Carla squeaked, and grinned nervously.
OOO
Dinner that night was rather trying for the Titans, to say the least. They had ordered Chinese food, hoping it might look better than just having pizza again like they did pretty much every other night, but the flock of reporters still murmured disapprovingly. All that any of the Titans could make out was something about MSG before Robin accidentally snapped his chopsticks in his clenched fist—after that, the reporters were strangely silent. From the way they were staring so intently at the Titans as they ate, though, it seemed like it was only a matter of time before the reporters said something again. It was.
"Starfire, could you pass the fried rice, please?" Robin asked casually, trying to ignore the two dozen pairs of eyes watching his every move.
"Of course," Starfire responded, and cautiously nudged the greasy takeout box towards him.
"Awwww!" cooed one of the reporters. "Fluff moment!"
"What?" cried Robin. "All I asked was for her to pass the rice!"
"And she did! Awwwww!"
Robin glared at the offending reporter for a moment before getting back to his meal, grumbling something about the fifth estate. Starfire chewed her lip nervously for a moment, but then brightened.
"So! How were all of my friends' days today?" she asked cheerfully, forcing a smile. The other Titans all mumbled unintelligibly as they picked at their meal with little to no enthusiasm.
"Oh, I just had to deal with about two dozen more idiots than usual," Raven said darkly, punctuating her sentence by shishkabobbing a hapless chicken ball with the end of one of her chopsticks. She had sharpened them with her powers after failing miserably to use them in the traditional manner. Beast Boy had tried to show her how, but she had put a quick stop to his impromptu lesson as soon as she had seen the reporters' prepping their notepads in anticipation.
"C'mon, Rae, just pretend they're not there or something," Cyborg suggested with a wan smile.
"Awwww! Fluff moment!"
"See? I knew Cyborg and Raven were a couple!"
"That's it!" Raven spat, slamming her fists down on the table in an uncharacteristic display of frustration. "I have had it up to here with you and your stupid, insipid little 'fluff moments'! Passing the rice? Making a friendly suggestion? Come on! Do you really think that constitutes any kind of proof that any of us are dating each other? You…you…mental defectives!"
"Well, maybe not that stuff, but there are plenty of other things that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you guys are in love with each other," Carla said.
"Name one," Raven challenged her in a low, venomous tone.
"Okay, well, what about all those times Robin's saved Starfire?" Carla offered, but Raven just laughed humourlessly.
"They're just really good friends," she scoffed. "Besides, they're teammates—they're supposed to help each other out, just like all the Titans are."
"How about all the times Robin's saved you?" asked one of the other reporters. "I mean, that stuff when you were fighting Trigon and he basically went into Hell to save you—that got pretty intense."
"What? How do you know about that? Everyone else in the world was turned into stone by Trigon's magic!" Raven protested, but once again the reporters were ignoring her.
"No, no, no, Robin can't be in love with Raven, he's in love with Starfire," stated another reporter. "I mean, he's obviously Dick Grayson, as the little flashes of his memories proved in 'Haunted', and in the comic books he and Starfire almost got married once, so…"
"Wait, comic books? 'Haunted'?" Robin interrupted incredulously. "And how the hell do you know my real name?"
"Your name is Dick?" Beast Boy snorted, and dissolved into muffled laughter.
"Married?" Starfire exclaimed, her eyes shining, which is a sure sign of an overdose of romanticism.
"I don't care what happened in the comics!" cried one of the reporters. "This is the cartoon! They've already made major changes to Slade's character, so why not rework the Titans' relationships too?"
"What cartoon?" Robin asked, beginning to feel more and more like things were spinning out of his control with every passing second.
"Everyone just shut up, already!" Raven yelled, managing to regain the reporters' attention. "None, let me repeat, none of that crap is actually proof that we're dating!"
"Maybe not, but this is!" Greg shouted, brandishing what looked like a Polaroid photograph. "Here is indisputable proof that Raven loves Beast Boy!"
"What?" Raven shrieked. "I do not love Beast Boy!"
"Oh, come on!" Greg said, giving her what he probably though was a sly wink. "This is a picture of you two on a date—take a look for yourself!"
He handed the picture to Raven. She stared at it for a moment before glaring up at him.
"This is a picture of me hitting Beast Boy over the head with a golf club," Raven deadpanned.
"Hey, I remember that!" Beast Boy cried. "That was last week! It really hurt, too."
"Please, everyone can tell it's just a love tap," Greg declared.
"I fractured his skull!" Raven shouted.
"She did," Beast Boy confirmed. "It's still broken."
"Oh, pshaw. That's nothing," Greg retorted, waving his hand dismissively.
"Here! Look!" Raven cried, waving the picture in front of Greg's face. "Look at that! You can see his brain! That's a bit of his brain! I knocked a bit of his brain out!"
"You know, I never did find that piece of my brain," Beast Boy said, a thoughtful expression on his face.
FLASHBACK
As Beast Boy hit the ground, sent into deep unconsciousness by way of a three-wood wielded by a vengeful Goth, a small lump of grey matter landed several dozen feet away, bouncing a bit before finally coming to rest.
"Aha! I am finally free!" the piece of brain said. "Now, to take over the world!"
Unfortunately for the small lump of brain, before it could slither away to enact its plans for world domination it was eaten by a passing stray dog, which, after thoroughly digesting its snack, found itself inexplicably able to do arithmetic at a grade three level.
END FLASHBACK
"See? See?" Raven yelled, waving her arms frantically. "It wasn't a love tap! Love taps don't knock people's brains out!"
Raven's protests came far too late, however, as the reporters had descended into utter chaos. They all shouted at each other, each of them championing one couple or another, all reasonable discussion lost amidst the screams of outrage that were the inevitable result of having two dozen people who all knew they were right together in the same room. All the Titans could do was stare in horror as the intimate details of their lives were unearthed one by one and pressed into the service of justifying two dozen separate points of view. Robin sighed.
"Hey, Cyborg, is the new security system in place yet? The one with the lasers?" he asked wearily.
"Yeah. Why?" Cyborg replied, turning a quizzical look on his leader. Robin didn't answer immediately as his exhaustion slowly transformed into manic glee. He smiled evilly.
"Turn it on," Robin ordered, then addressed the rest of the team. "Hey, guys, we've all had a rough day—how about we go out to eat?"
"But we've got Chinese food right here, and wouldn't that leave all these guys alone with the security…" Beast Boy began, but then understanding bloomed across his face. "Oohhhh…I get it."
"Yup, off we go," Robin said, louder than would have been required if he was just talking to his friends as the other Titans filed quietly out of the room. "We're going out…and turning on the security system…which we all know is very dangerous…I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, but I can't be held accountable if some people decide to stay here…"
Robin paused for a moment, just to be fair, and then ducked through the door. He was off and running as soon as it closed.
"Oooo!" cried one of the reporters. "Look at all the funny little lights!"
OOO
"How weird was that, huh?" Cyborg exclaimed, then gulped down the last of his Coke. The Titans were just finishing their dinner at their usual pizza parlour. "I mean, thinking we were all dating each other? Is that teamcest or what?"
"Yeah, and wasn't that the first thing we agreed upon as a team?" Robin asked rhetorically. "I mean, we all know how bad dating in the workplace can be, and when the business you're in is fighting crime…well, it's just best not to go there."
"No kidding. Although I did really like Terra," Beast Boy admitted.
"But that's exactly my point," Robin retorted. "You tried to start up a relationship with Terra, and look at what it got you—look at the situation that came around as a result of that. It's not really very pleasant to think that we aren't free to date whoever we want, but let's face it: all it gives us is a blind spot, a weakness."
"Yes, on my planet such 'dating' between members of the same warrior cadre is considered rhak'r ganeth, which could be equated with the human term 'taboo'," Starfire added. "Although, I suppose a more accurate translation would be 'that which gets us all horribly killed'."
"You think dating a teammate is bad?" Raven interjected. "They had me paired with Jinx—a villain. If that isn't a conflict of interest, then I don't know what is."
"Hey, you weren't the only one, remember? Some of them thought I was dating Jinx, too," Cyborg recalled.
"Well, yeah, but if I was dating Jinx, it would mean that I was a lesbian, or at least bisexual," Raven pointed out. "That kind of adds on to things, doesn't it? I'm not saying it's morally wrong or anything—it's just that I'm not a lesbian or bisexual."
"Hey, I think I've got the trump card here," Robin said with a wry smile. "One of them thought I was dating Slade."
"That's got me beat," Raven admitted.
"I'm out," Cyborg said.
"Myself as well," Starfire chimed in.
"Man, nobody can compete with that," Beast Boy stated. "That's one hell of a sugar daddy, eh?" The Titans all chuckled to themselves and passed a quiet moment, each deep in their own thoughts.
"So Cyborg," Robin said, breaking the silence, "how long do you think it will take to get the smell of scorched human flesh out of the tower?"
"With the new upgrades I made to the ventilation system last week? Maybe half an hour at most," Cyborg replied. Robin nodded approvingly.
"Sweet," he said, and took a sip from his root beer.
-FIN-
Author's Note: Did you notice the Coke plug? Yay for product placement! Send money! Oh, dear God, send money!
I've said it before, I'll say it again: I can't stand 'pairings'. It sounds like breeding plants or something. The worst is when people get all up in arms about it—it's fine to think that one couple is more likely or more interesting than others, but when people start forcing their ideas on everyone around them, that's generally when I start tuning out. Or maybe just hitting things. It depends. I also find it quite strange to see the lengths that people will go to in order to justify their choice of character couple—"Oh, Robin totally swooped down to save Raven in 'Fear Itself', he must be in love with her," or "Oh, Raven hugged Beast Boy at the end of 'Spellbound', she obviously has the hots for him." Seriously, people, it's a kids' cartoon. They aren't actually going to put any serious sexual tension in there. Sure, Robin and Starfire seem to have something going on; sure, Beast Boy and Raven would make a cute couple; sure, Cyborg and Bumblebee made a good team; sure to all the possibilities out there. And if you want to write fan fiction based on one or more of those couples, go for it. But if you try to cram your opinions down my throat, sorry, buddy. Find yourself another sucker.
I really am a snide bastard, aren't I?
To My Reviewers:
Grey Rizz: Glad you think so. I try so hard!
Churba: I've added another chapter! Disservice to the literary community averted! Whoopah!
TDG3RD: Thanks!
Blackbird: I actually have no idea how someone could be half a person, but I think it would probably involve a threshing machine or some other piece of heavy farm equipment ("Hey, Maw! Come quick, Jimbo's lost the other leg!"). I considered having Raven really lay into her, but in the end I settled for letting Amara make herself look stupid. It's easier that way.