Author's note: My how your stories get out of date when you leave the country unexpectedly! I've just returned from Peru (so thanks to Telecable for making sure even in another hemisphere I could keep up with the show, and my Aunt for letting me do so) and have decided to leave the story as it. So the time setting for this is either after current events which will be blithely ignored or in the ingly tingly world that never was.
John McBain tried not to make it obvious that he was watching Natalie Vega. He stole glances at her while pretending to be absorbed in the file she had handed him. Ordinarily there was a bounce to her movements and she greeted those who walked by her desk with a cheerful smile; today she worked with her head down, ignoring everyone unless they spoke to her first. There were dark circles under her eyes and her movements were sluggish; she looked hung over. Which she probably was, considering the state she'd been in just a few hours ago, but something in his gut kept telling him there was something else. There was something she wasn't telling him. Not just something she wasn't telling him, something she was actively hiding from him. Usually that was a bad thing.
"Can I help you with something, John?" Natalie asked after looking up and catching his eyes on her for the third time.
"Yeah," he said deliberately, "you wanna tell me what's going on?"
Natalie glanced briefly up from her computer screen, "With what?"
"Natalie…" he said in a way that translated roughly 'I know you're hiding something and I'll figure it out sooner or later so you might as well tell me now.'
She turned completely away from her computer so that she could face him and said in a slow patronizing tone, "Well John, right now I'm typing a very important memo to post by the coffee pot asking everyone to please clean their own coffee cups so that I do not have to do it. After that I'm-"
"Cut the crap, Natalie," he said walking closer to her desk, "you were hiding something last night and you're doing it now and if it's some kinda scheme or-"
"John," she said pulling her hair away from her face, "last night I was embarrassed because I was really, really drunk and I didn't want you to see me that way because you already think I'm pathetic as is-"
"I don't think you're-" he tried to interject but she wouldn't let him.
She didn't raise her voice, but there was an intensity behind her words that grew as she continued. "And today my head is killing me because I was, as previously stated really, really drunk last night, so I'm sorry if I'm acting a little weirder than usual today, but let me assure you I am not up to anything thing that is likely to get me killed, maimed, kidnapped or otherwise endangered."
Was it the headache that prompted the outburst? How had he given Natalie the impression he thought she was pathetic? He could tell she wasn't in the mood to be prodded, but he still didn't quite believe her. It wasn't so much that he thought she was lying to him as it was leaving something out. Something huge if his instincts could be trusted. Whatever it was, now was clearly not the time to find out.
"Sorry," he said trying to meet her eyes and see if they were okay, "I just- You know, going from past experience when I see you and your brother together-"
"It's usually a recipe for near disaster," she finished for him; she was avoiding eye contact again. "I understand. Now if you don't mind…" she motioned to her computer screen.
"Yeah, I'll… leave you to your memo," he said walking to his office. Still pretending to read the file in his hand he walked into his office and shut the door without looking up. Suddenly he realized he was not alone. His eyes shot to his desk where Rex Balsom was sitting with his feet propped up reading some papers he had probably swiped from one of the drawers.
"Hey Johnny!" he said brightly.
"Balsom, what the hell are you doing here?" John said snatching the papers out of Rex's hands.
"Wow, you could at least say 'hello' first," Rex said in mock indignation.
"Hello," John said curtly, "now get the hell out of my office,"
"Can't," Rex said raising his hands in the air.
"Can't?"
"We gotta talk," Rex said sitting up and folding his hands on the desk.
John sighed, "This better be very important."
"Oh it is," Rex nodded.
"Then get out of my chair and talk fast," John said pushing his shoulder.
Rex jumped out of the chair and perched on one on the other side of the desk as John settled into his own chair. "I don't know why you're acting so irritated," Rex began, "it's your fault we even have to have this discussion."
"When I said talk fast I did mean get to the point fast," John said.
"We talked before, remember? Right after all the shit hit the fan with the whole Cristian-isn't-really-Cristian thing. I ran into you at the coffee shop and what did I say?"
"Would it offend you if I said I have no idea what you're talking about most of the time?" John asked brushing dirt from Rex's shoes off his desk. He was really not in the mood for cryptic conversations.
"I asked you not to mess with my sister's head." Rex said.
John began shifting stacks of papers back to the way they had been before Rex had messed with them. The truth was there hadn't been any organization to them in the first place, and papers left on his desk weren't really that important anyway, but the action gave him something to keep him focused on through the conversation. He also liked the idea of showing Balsom that his presence was causing problems. "Okay," John said, pretending he couldn't see where this conversation was quickly headed.
"But you just couldn't help yourself, could you?" Rex said. Help himself? It was Natalie he was trying to help, trying to keep at a distance. She was safer that way; both her body and her heart. And how had be been messing with her head? He had made himself clear in countless conversations; he had told her there could never be anything between them. How was that messing with her head?
"I swear Rex, I have never tried to mess with Natalie's head," John said glancing up from his papers, "I have done everything I can to make it clear that I am with Evangeline and-"
"Like hell you have!" Rex said jumping out of his chair. "You tell her you're with Evangeline, but you only act that way when it's convenient."
"I really don't have time for this," John said turning back to his papers.
Rex continued undeterred and commenced to pacing. He knew that if John had really wanted the conversation over he could have physically removed him from the office. "It's no wonder the girl's confused. I mean you keep telling her to back off, but everything you do, every look you give her says, 'go away for now but don't go too far and for God's sake don't go there with another guy.'"
John raised an eyebrow, "So you're saying I'm messing with Natalie's head because I'm looking at her the wrong way?"
Rex turned to face John suddenly, "You're not exactly looking at Evangeline the right way either while we're on the subject."
"You know what?" John said irritably, "You don't know what you're talking about. Now get-"
"Oh but I do," Rex jumped back on his chair and leaned over the desk, "you see I'm kind of an expert in the looks people give each other. Comes in handy when you're in clubs where the music's too loud to hear what they're saying to each other. I can tell you a lot about what's going on between a couple by the way they look at each other."
"And according you this expertise what do you think is going on between me and your sister?"
"Let's start with you and Evangeline."
"Let's not."
Rex ignored him again, "No, it makes the other part make more sense. You look at Evangeline the way a guy looks at a woman he would very much not mind taking home with him at the end of a night. And who could blame you? She's rather tasty in that super health conscious could possibly kick my ass kind of way."
"Balsom…" John said warningly. The translation of his warning was something a long the lines of 'I could definitely kick your ass so you want to stop now.' For better or worse Rex Balsom did not often heed warnings.
"You also look at her like a woman you wouldn't mind having waiting for you at home," Rex finished.
"Yeah," John said slowly, "and what about that do you consider the 'wrong' way of looking at her."
"Well nothing," Rex said, "Except that I think Evangeline wants a little more to your relationship than being the girl waiting around for you. And on top of it there's the way you look at Natty…"
"Which is?"
"The way a guy looks a woman he never wants to let out of his sight."
John rolled his eyes, "Well that could be because when I do let her out of my sight she usually comes up with a new way to get herself killed."
"Yeah whatever," Rex said, "look- you and I are actually a lot a like on this."
"I'm almost afraid to ask," John said, "but how'd you figure that one?"
"Well," Rex waved a hand, "there are some obvious difference between us."
"I noticed," John said taking a drink of his coffee.
"Come on, we're both good looking, street smart, good at figuring out things no one else can. We both get obsessed when there's something we can't figure out. And when it comes to relationships, we're both ultimately self destructive."
John shook his head, "Balsom, I'm really not in the mood to discuss my relationships with you."
"Okay, we'll talk about me then," Rex said.
Waving a file folder impatiently the older man said, "You know, I do have work to do here."
"Well then stop interrupting me and I'll be out of your hair sooner than you know," Rex said. "Look, Jen was the love of my life; best thing that ever happened to me. So what did I do? I slept with her mother. If I had done research as to the quickest way to make Jen hate me, that would have been the answer. And I knew that when I did it. So why did I?"
"Is there anyway to get out of you telling me?" John said pretending to be distracted by something on his computer screen.
"Because I'm self destructive when it comes to relationships. I mean, don't get me wrong, Lindsay is totally hot, but that honestly had nothing to do with it. Well okay, not nothing, but the point is I finally figured out that I messed things up with Jen on purpose-"
John turned back to Rex. Was that why he was really here? He knew how hard Jen's death had hit him; was this whole conversation Rex trying to cope with his grief? "Look, Rex, if you need to talk about Jen-"
"Hey!" Rex cut him off, "we're talking about you here. I cheated on Jen with Lindsay because I didn't think I deserved to be as happy as I was with Jen. So I went for Lindsay, who was great, but no Jen. That's exactly what you're doing."
"It's really not," John said shaking his head.
"Look I'm not saying you're doing it on purpose. Or that you even know you're doing it. And I'm not saying you don't want to be with Evangeline. I'm just saying you don't want to be with Evangeline as much as you want to be Natalie."
"So you think that subconsciously I want to be with Natalie."
"Yeah," Rex said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"And Evangeline is…?"
"The woman you want to want."
"And somehow or another me being with Evangeline, an intelligent, sexy, kind woman who cares about me more than I deserve is self-destructive?"
Rex jumped up again and began pointing at him, "You see? You hit it right there, with that 'more than I deserve' comment. You don't think you deserve to be really happy any more than I do."
"And you don't think I'm happy with Evangeline?"
"I think you're content with Evangeline. You're comfortable with Evangeline. She's steady, reliable; she's not going to go running around in a graveyard in the dead of night with blood streaming down her face or throw herself in the path of a murderer to get your attention."
"Those are generally considered good qualities."
"I'm not saying they aren't. Any more than I'm saying it's generally a good quality that Natalie goes on her crazed self-destructive kicks. I'm just saying that as much as she drives you nuts, you love that about her. And as many good qualities as Evangeline has, she's never gonna make you quite as happy."
"Why don't you just let me figure out what makes me happy?"
"Because," Rex said staring intensely at John, "one day Natalie's going to succeed in getting herself killed. And it's not gonna hurt any less because of the time you could have been with her and weren't. So learn from my example and don't wait around till that happens."
John took a deep breath and looked away from Rex. There was a big part of him that realized Rex was still reeling after Jen's death and was talking about himself more than he was talking about Natalie. The other part of him kept seeing that red hair hanging over a deep fryer. And a bigger part of him searched for a way to convince Rex that Natalie stood a much greater chance of getting hurt with him than apart from him.
"Think about it," Rex said standing up and walking towards the door.
"Wait," John said as Rex put his hand on the doorknob.
Rex turned. "Yes?"
"Last night, when I ran into you and Natalie at the hotel, what was really going on?"
Jessica Buchanan awoke to find herself sprawled diagonally across her bed still dressed in a satin camisole and miniskirt. A throbbing pain shot through her temples when she cracked open her eyelids. 'Great,' she thought, 'not again.' She wasn't sure whether it was worse when she used to wake up from these blackouts not knowing what had happened or now when she had few doubts about it. Well at least she had figured out one way to get Tess to relinquish control—she always seemed to leave Jessica to deal with her hangovers. Groaning she rolled out of bed. Make up was smeared across her face and probably all over her pillowcases again. Glaring at her reflection in the mirror she grumbled, "Could you at least take your eyeliner off?" The mirror didn't answer, which was probably good, because she could have punched Tess at that moment.
She staggered towards the bathroom to shower but tripped over the purse Tess had tossed on the floor. Stooping to pick up her cell phone which had tumbled out she noticed that she had three messages waiting for her. Flipping through her missed calls she found that all of them were from Antonio. Damn it. She was supposed to meet him at UltraViolet last night, and she knew she'd never made it. That meant she'd either stood Antonio up or Tess had gone in her stead. She sunk down to the floor to listen to the messages, praying that the former explanation was the correct one. As much as she knew Antonio would be hurt by her not showing up, it could be so much worse for him to encounter Tess.
The first message was clearly an Antonio that was impatient for her arrival, but trying to sound casual, "Hey Jess, it's me, I just wanted to see if you were still coming by tonight. Um… give me a call or I'll see you in a little bit. Love you."
He sounded irritated in the second message, "Me again. I was just… Just wondering if you were actually coming. Kinda looks like you aren't. I guess something must have come up. Give me a call and just let me know what's going on. Love you."
By the last message irritation seemed to have given in to worry, "Hey. Listen, Jess… give me a call when you get this. Just let me know you're okay. I'm a little worried. Love you."
Jessica sighed and stared at the phone, as if it would give her some answer to give to Antonio. He ended every message by telling her he loved her. With her behavior lately she should be the one reassuring him, not the other way around. She had to call him; he'd worry until she did. And yet, what could she tell him that would make him worry less? She grabbed the edge of the bed and pulled herself up to standing. She'd take a shower first; it would help her clear her head.
Rex smirked, confirming that there was some sort of secret he and Natalie were keeping, but nothing else. "You're gonna have to ask Natalie about that." He turned to go again.
"I did," John said, "she lied to me."
"Maybe she didn't," Rex said walking back towards the desk.
"I have a fair amount of experience being lied to by Natalie," John said, "I recognize it by now. So what's going on?"
Rex jumped back on the back of the chair. "Okay, there are two things you need to understand about Natalie-"
"Seriously, I have a limited amount of time to bullshit with you, so either tell me what's going on or get out of here," John grumbled.
"First off, Natalie has the most defective self-preservation instinct of anyone I've ever met, with the possible exception of you," Rex said.
"Meaning?"
"Meaning if I was doing something stupid or Jessica was taking an unnecessary risk, she would be the first person to call us on it and put a stop to it, but when it's her she doesn't pay any attention to how likely she is to get hurt or killed."
"So how is she trying to get herself killed today?"
"She's not," Rex shook her head, "today she's just in self-loathing mode because of what happened last night."
"Which was?"
"She went out and got smashed which is, you know, not the brightest idea when you're a woman on your own-"
"But you were with her," John said.
"I found her. I was not with her to start with otherwise what happened…wouldn't have happened."
"And what happened?"
"Come on," Rex said in exasperation, "you're the cop, think about it. There are people out there that see a hot young drunk girl and decide to take advantage of the situation."
John's eyes widened, "Is that it? Did some guy take advantage of Natalie, because-"
"Easy McBain," Rex said, "If some guy had forced himself on my sister you'd be booking me on assault charges right now. It definitely could have happened, but fortunately it didn't. But you shouldn't be concentrating on the 'what' so much as the 'why'."
"Why?"
"The second thing you need to understand about Natty," Rex said, "Do you know what Roxy's nickname for Natalie used to be?"
John shook his head.
"Her little bad luck charm." Rex paused and waited for the idea to sink in. John didn't understand what this bit of information had to do with whatever had happened last night, but it did provide some insight into Natalie's insecurities. John had never really met Natalie Balsom; she had been Natalie Buchanan for two years before they met, but sometimes he caught glimpses of her. The angry little girl who lashed out occasionally, or the hurt child he could see lurking behind her eyes when her guard was down. Most of the stories she told about AC these days, had a humorous slant on them; Roxy appeared more comedienne than sorry excuse for a mother. He knew it hadn't really been that way, but had allowed himself to get sucked into the comic world Natalie created because it was easier than thinking about the reality of it. Rex was speaking again.
"Roxy used to insist that having Natalie around caused her problems, whether it was a losing streak at the casinos or some guy walking out on her, it was always Natalie's fault. The thing is there's a big part of her that still believes it; she's real good at blaming herself for off the wall things. Seriously, when she's in the wrong mood Natty can blame herself for the freaking Spanish Inquisition. So when your girlfriend tells her she's the one responsible for Christian's death-"
"Wait a minute," John said, "what about Evangeline?"
Rex rocked back and forth on his feet. "She didn't tell you?"
"No," John said.
"Evangeline and Natalie had a fight yesterday," Rex said.
John nodded, "I heard about it from Bo. Hardly the first time."
"During the course of said fight Evangeline told Natalie that it was her fault Cristian got killed," Rex gazed toward the floor. He had a feeling he wasn't supposed to be telling John about this, but didn't see how it could hurt. For once Natalie didn't come off as the aggressor in her fights with John's girlfriend.
John looked away. As if Natalie needed help beating herself up over Cristian. Cristian who was sitting in Statesville pretending to be an imposter because he thought it would be better for Natalie. Cristian who had loved Natalie the way she deserved. Cristian who part of him hated for no logical reason other than he had held Natalie's heart before and would always have a part of it.
"And that's why Natalie was drinking last night," he said.
"Pretty much," Rex said with a shrug. "So if you could talk to your girlfriend about using the worst tragedies in my sister's life as leverage against her, we might go a long way towards avoiding these self-destructive episodes in the future."
"Look I'll talk to her," John said.
"Thanks," Rex said, turning to go again.
"But Evangeline isn't the only one responsible for these fights," John added.
"Oh I know," Rex said turning back as he opened the door, "I save plenty of blame for you."
John stared at the door as it shut behind him. He saved plenty of blame for himself too. The last thing he'd ever wanted to do was play Natalie and Evangeline against each other. He could add making the two of them enemies to his rap sheet. John knew Natalie, knew how she could push and push until the other person couldn't help but push back. But Evangeline should have known better than to bring up Cristian; she should have had more tact than that if nothing else. Getting her to apologize for it was definitely not going to be an option. He could apologize to Natalie, but that wasn't quite appropriate. And he couldn't shake the feeling that Natalie was hiding more than a hang over and some hurtful words.
To be continued.