A/N – "Thoughts"

Part 5 – Lie In The Bed You Make

As Miranda and Gordo stared silently at each other, time seemed to slow down and the tension continued to mount. Both were waiting for the other to make the next move and neither wanting to make it. Both unsure of what to make of the situation, there had never been quite a moment like this between them.

As Miranda stood there, letting his words sink in and trying to process it. "He can't. This as gotta be some sorta of sick joke," she thought, but as she continued to stare at him, there was a voice in the back of her head, "But what if it's not? What if he really does…feel that way."

At the same time, Gordo was continuing to berate himself for not just taking her bait but also letting slip how he felt. These were feelings he had buried as deeply as he could after their breakup, and in one gloriously stupid move, he believed that he had not just let them only out, but completely jeopardized whatever was left of any kind of friendship they could rebuild. This, on top of what just happened between Lizzie and him, was making him start to panic.

After what was really barely a minute, but felt like several hours, Miranda was finally able to stutter out, "What?"

Having too much time to think, and come up with the worst case scenario in his mind, Gordo decided to try and make a run for it. "Nothing," he mumbled as he lowered his head. "I didn't say anything. You're right, I can't be spontaneous." Trying to avoid any eye contact, he tried to walk by her, heading for the roof exit.

But when he was shoulder to shoulder with her, Miranda quickly reached out, grabbed his elbow, and forcefully spun him and her around so they were facing. "Don't be a coward, especially not now."

Anger flashing in him, "Damn it Miranda. This is what I'm talking about."

Instead of fighting back, Miranda looked away for a moment and mumbled, "I'm sorry." Then slowly bring her face back, "But…But what did you say?" She cringed as she heard her own voice, she wanted to be stronger but there was something about Gordo that brought out a vulnerability in her.

Gordo closed his eyes as he let out a long breath and ran a shaky hand through his hair in frustration. In his wildest dreams, he had never imagined telling a girl that he loved her quite this way, much less his ex-girlfriend. Slowly reopening his eyes, he felt whatever resistant left in him quickly crumble as Miranda's doe like, black eyes seemed to bore into his. "I…I said," pausing for a moment to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat, "thatIloveyou," he finished so quickly that it sounded like gibberish.

Even though it had come out as a jumbled mess, Miranda had clearly understood him. Saying the first thing that popped into her head, "Why?" she flinched as it flew out of her mouth and tried to quickly recover, "I mean…after…Well, after everything, how could you still…you know. Ah hell…Why?" Then titling her head a little down to the side, "It doesn't matter anymore I guess, you prolly don't really feel that way any more anyway."

Again, the words just seemed to come out of his mouth without prompt, "I still do," Gordo said softly and Miranda's eyes snapped up at him and looked at him in surprise once again. Before she could say anything else, "As much as you frustrate and irritate the hell out of me, especially lately, I still feel…," he looked up for a moment, searching for the right words, "well, whatever it is."

"Than why have you been such a jackass?"

"Cause I wanted to hurt you," Gordo answered, "As much as you hurt me when you broke up with me." Shuffling his feet, "I knew we were having some problems but I never thought you'd break up with me. I felt hurt, betrayed, and felt like…," he paused for a moment, trying to make himself finish. Trying to talk about his emotions wasn't his strong suit but he felt the need to tell her how he felt, "Like the one person who was closest to me, threw me away."

Miranda felt like a sucker punch had just slammed into her stomach. Walking away from him and to the stone edge of the rooftop, she sat down and placed her chin in her hands. "What am I doing? Aren't I supposed to be mad at him? Am I still mad?" Hearing him come to a stop in front of her, she slowly looked up, "I'm still upset with him but I do miss him. How can he be in love with me? Especially after everything?"

Surprised at how small her voice made her sound, "How do you know you're still in love with me? Or even in love with me in the first place?"

Gordo shrugged as he sat down next to her, "Cause no matter how mad, angry, upset, whatever…there's still this small piece of me, that wants to be with you. At first, I thought I was just sore from the breakup but it just won't go away and the longer it stays, the more frustrated I get. I think that's why I started being a jackass with you."

Nodding slightly, Miranda had another question, "What is…I mean…how do you know," she then snapped her mouth shut and snarled a little in frustration at not being able to ask her question. It wasn't because she was completely afraid to, "Not completely, just slightly," but it was because she couldn't figure out how to ask what she wanted to know.

Looking at her for a moment, "How do I know I'm in love with you to begin with?" he asked. When she nodded almost shyly, he grinned a little. "I don't know. I mean, I don't have much to compare it with. Its just that I've never really felt this way before, so I'm not completely sure what it is. I'm not even sure how to explain it." Looking over his shoulder at the night skyline, Gordo sighed softly, "I miss you when you're not around." When Miranda smiled a little, Gordo cringed a little, "Ok, I know that sounded corny but it's just…When you're around, I feel…normal. Like I'm not some freak with a high IQ. I feel like a normal teenager who's not so alone. Also, even though you tease me about stuff, I know you're always there for me and it's kinda of…I don't know…comforting." Looking at his hands as he rung them together, "I like how no matter how much of a tough exterior you try to put up, deep down, you're as confused and scared of stuff as I am."

Then a sly smile crept on his face and Miranda watched him in fascination. Gordo glanced at her, "I will deny this later but….the pda was a nice bonus." As Miranda snickered, Gordo smile widened as he looked down at the ground, a little embarrassed.

After a moment or two, Gordo continued to gaze at the floor as he spoke again, "I hate seeing you upset, especially cause I'm the reason."

"Good," Miranda said suddenly and then grinned sheepishly at him as he chuckled softly.

"I just want to make you feel how I felt."

"I get it," she told him, "that's really why I came up here tonight." Miranda watched Gordo nod slowly as he understood.

"Can I ask you something?"

"I guess."

Taking a deep breath, Gordo asked what he had been wanting to know for a few months now, "Why did you break up with me?"

After listening to Gordo talk, it was like all the pieces of her puzzle came into place. Twirling a lock of her hair around her index finger, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering. "Cause I was scared." Before he could ask what she was scared of, "I've never let anyone in this close to me, not even Lizzie, and it scared me. I've never felt this way either. I don't even know what this was. Its just, when you were around, I was…happy."

This time it was Gordo's turn to snicker. "Shut up," Miranda said sarcastically.

"You know how to handle my," she paused for a moment to pick the right word.

Taking the moment to finish her sentence, Gordo said, "Mood swings," and Miranda punched him lightly in the arm.

"I started getting a little scared about how dependent my happiness was on you. Than one of my aunts, got into my mom's head about how I shouldn't be dating one boy so seriously at my age and that I was missing out in life. I didn't really believe it but it kept rattling around in my head. I started to wonder what I was missing or what else was out there. I knew I really cared for you and that I really liked being your girlfriend…but, I still wondered. Than I started thinking that you might have been thinking the same thing and somehow in my warped mind, it made me angry that you could possibly thinking about some other girl…and…that's what started the implosion. It was stupid but…I don't know. I feel vulnerable with you. You know the weak points and that I'm not always the cocky, out there rebel that I want everyone to think I am. You know the truth."

Gordo looked at her for a few moments before he spoke, "So what now?"

"Right now?" she asked, though it was more of a statement, "I need to tell you something." Briefly pausing, "If what you just said, means that you love me," Gordo opened his mouth to say something but Miranda knew he was going to say he didn't know what it was, so she held up her hand to stop him, "let me finish. If, if, what you said, means that you love me…than…." She looked away shyly for a moment but quickly returned to stare into his clear blue eyes, "I love you too."

The two looked at each other for a moment, a small smile on both their faces.

"We have a lot of shit to work through just to save our friendship but eventually…I like to be together again," Miranda said, "I mean if you do."

Gordo slid across the stone banister, so that he was closer, "I'd like that."

Miranda slowly reached up and tugged at one of the curls in his hair. "You know you're going for a haircut when we get back," she teased. Since the breakup, Gordo had let his hair grow back to the way it had been at the end of eighth grade.

"Why?" he asked sarcastically, "Lizzie likes my hair like this."

Not missing a beat, "My point exactly." Miranda laughed softly for a moment but then sobered a little, "Gordo?"

"Hmm?"

"What happened with Lizzie?" Miranda flinched as a look of intense hurt pulsed through Gordo's eyes. When he didn't answering right away, Miranda grew nervous, "Gordo, what?"

"She asked me to stay with her here in Rome."

"Oh," was all Miranda could say. Lizzie coming out of the elevator made sense now, "And you turned her down." Gordo slowly nodded as he looked away. "I'm sorry," Miranda said softly.

"For what?" Gordo asked her in surprise.

Trying to stay mature and ignore the little voice that was howling in triumph that he had picked her over Lizzie, "I know how much Lizzie means to you and it couldn't have been easy to turn her down like that."

"I hurt her, I just," before he could finish, Miranda interrupted him.

"You hurt her but if you take the full blame for it, I'll kick your ass," Miranda threatened. "Lizzie knew what she was doing and what she was asking you to do. All you did was say no, she has to lie in the bed she's made now."

"What's worse," Gordo said softly, "I screwed up your guys' friendship."

Miranda shook her head no, "We did a nice job screwing that up on our own. I guess…me and Liz…are just drifting. We don't really talk that much anymore and we're literally miles apart. We'll always be friends, I just don't think we'll be as good of ones again." Taking a deep breath, she tried again to be the bigger woman, "You and Lizzie will work this out, you always do. You have this connection with each other that I don't really understand but I know that I can't stop. Me on the other hand, I don't really care. Maybe we'll eventually get past this but as long as I have you, I don't really care."

"Rand."

Miranda stood up and held her hand out to Gordo, "Come on, we better get back." Sighing softly, Gordo took her hand and standing up, they walked together towards the roof exit and back downstairs into the hotel.

Reaching their rooms, Miranda and Gordo grinned at each other awkwardly, not sure how to say goodnight to each other. Settling for a hug, Miranda hugged him and whispered, "Goodnight."

"Night Rand."

Miranda stayed in the hall and watched Gordo walking into his room and shut the door behind him. Turning around, Miranda entered her room and sighed as she looked around. Lizzie's stuff had been removed from the room and more than likely, was brought into Mrs. McGuire's room next door. Looking down at what had been Lizzie's perfectly made bed, what she had said to Gordo came back to her, "She's made her bed and now she as to lie in it."