Title: I don't remember you
Author: Jerico Cacaw
Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT. Really.
Summary: When the family suddenly grows in a member and no one seems to find it odd except Leo, it is up to him to straight things again. The problem? He is not sure of his own motives for doing so. This is a Fifth Turtle tale, with a twist. Or so I hope.
Author notes: While I was writing this, Jessiy Landroz published a fic named Stop, which has a conversation between turtle tot Mikey and turtle tot Leo that fits nicely here. Although I can swear this idea was born before said story arrived to I have to recognize some of the Part One was changed because of it.
It must be pointed I started writing this story in English, but somebody (hi, Medeah!) made me realize we should support Spanish TMNT section. Right now I have Parts One, Two and Three written in English and would be translating them to Spanish under the name No me acuerdo de ti. Next Parts would be written in Spanish and latter translated to English. This might be the hard part, as I'm used to think of our Turtles in Shakespeare's idiom. My access to the TV show is sporadic; all I know from the TMNT is thanks to the Internet.
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Part One
Leonardo's POV (1st person)
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It was a dark and stormy night.
It almost looked as if we were living one of Mikey's cheesy horror movies. A power shortage sinking in darkness this part of the city, the rain outside making the sewers' ambience even more humid than usual and the running water sounds as background not helping a bit to lift the spirits. Fortunately, even with Master Splinter's absence Raph agreed this was not a night to go out, so we ended piled up on the sofa. Four to six candles around us projected ghostly shadows, as Donnie decided to keep the generator only for fridge use, because he didn't knew how long it will take for electricity to come back. We were never ones to let the food get spoiled.
No one denied this were the perfect circumstances for one of Mikey's infamous nightmares, which was the reason we were currently humoring him, nestled in a puddle of covers and pillows, going on any light and insubstantial theme from the list. I smiled to myself, wondering what Master Splinter would say if he were to find us like this. He probably would make tea and talk with our baby bro until he relaxed enough to sleep.
But if Mikey were to wake up scared and screaming, it will be Donnie, Raph or me the one that went to comfort him; because it was an unspoken agreement the four of us were no little turtles anymore. Yes, we still turned toward our Sensei for guidance and advice; but soothe and comfort was another story. He accepted it without reproach although making clear that part of him will always be there for us. Nonetheless, we tried to act as young adults, each one within his limits. This turned into additional responsibilities yet entitling a few privileges, such as being left home alone for a week while our father went to meditate somewhere in the vicinity of NYC.
Now, my ideal to die a happy turtle currently was to stop worrying about our Master. But, truth to be told, distressing is second nature to me, and nothing could make the disturbing thoughts dispel. Still I tried, pushing them to some remote part of the mind while choosing to focus on our surrounds instead. I was on the left corner of the sofa, with Donnie slightly leaning on and Mikey shamelessly sprawled over both of us, happily chatting. Raph was on the opposite corner, as far a he could get on the over crowded piece of furniture, frequently dropping Mikey's feet from his lap.
Now, I can swear a minute ago we were talking about non probable pizza combinations, so it was a mystery how we ended on the current topic of choice.
"Mikey, that's practically impossible," Donnie was saying. "She would have to be mutated at the same time that the rest of us, as the properties of that ooze's batch were the most stable ones. And we should have known by now, don't you think? For once, Bishop wouldn't try so frequently to put his hands on us if there were other subjects available."
"Yeah, but what if they're not that much available anymore? What if they were poked and probed till they were of no use? Wouldn't you dump the, ahh, tatty subjects, and pick up new ones?" Obviously, Raph was trying to mess with Donnie, and the latter's disgusted face proved his success.
"Raph, that's gross! We are talking about us and creatures like us here, you could at least show some empathy!"
"Besides, what could we do with a tatty turtle girl?" Mikey added playfully, earning a disapproving glare and a smug smile from our brothers.
"And what would you do with a turtle girl, Mikey, tatty or not?" added Raph, his comment soaked in double meanings. I didn't liked were he was directing this conversation to. Sure, not being little kids anymore meant sex talks were fairly common, but this night's implicit idea was to nurse Mikey while we allowed ourselves to act a little childish again. Fortunately, my small brother didn't take the bait.
"Wouldn't that be great, a little sis? And I don't care what you say, Donnie, 'cause that's how I imagine it. We will take care of her, and she'll watch cartoons with me. You could teach her many things, Donnie, and I'm sure she will be able to convince Raph on doing anything with a wink of her pretty eyes."
"Let her try," Raph grunted. "But I agree with women being manipulative bitches, even little ones."
"And it is common knowledge girls are more mature," Donnie said, deliberately ignoring Raph's profanity. "Wouldn't you enjoy that, Leo?"
They turned to look at me, waiting for an answer I didn't wanted to share; because, unlike them, I appeared to be taking this matter seriously, which bugged me to no end.
"Well, I don't know. Having a mature sibling would be a welcomed blessing," I concurred, making them smile as they evidently expected me to say so. "But as for her being younger than us, that could become a problem."
No word was said in response because they knew what I was talking about. Our lives were dangerous, and having a little child in it will only raise the risk for our family. I still don't know how Master Splinter managed with the four of us, but it is also true the Foot Clan and the Purple Dragons were not around back then.
"So you say no 'cuz you don't want to carry another one of us on your shell."
Put it on Raph to find an attack on everything I say. But looking at Mikey and Donnie I noticed they seemed to agree with his statement, so I took some time to think my next words, trying to make them clear enough.
"Guys, you are not a burden, I've never thought of you that way," I started. "But think about what you are proposing, Mikey. We had each other while we were growing up; she will not have children her age around, not in the family and certainly not as friends."
They remained silent, so I continued with my little speech.
"And we are all ninjas; we can take care of ourselves and the same applies to Master Splinter. But she, being younger, will not be able to do it. One of us will have to remain with her all the time, especially as our Sensei is not getting younger; I don't think it would be fair to make him take care of a child again." I looked each of my brothers, wishing for them to understand. "And it would not be fair for her, either, to grow up in the middle of our current circumstances. We had a rather stable environment in our childhood, but she obviously can't have the same right now."
Mikey hummed for a while, thinking of something to say. Then his eyes shone and a smile returned to his face.
"But what if she were our own age?" he supplied. "As you said, Donnie; and if she mutated at the same time than us, she would be fifteen too."
"I said it was more probable to occur that way, Mikey; don't make it sound as if I implied it really happened," Donnie admonished.
"Besides, being fifteen doesn't mean she can defend herself," added Raph, weirdly voicing my own thoughts. "Look at Ape, she's older than us but still we have saved her ass a bunch of times."
"But she can be a ninja too, can't she?" Mikey said, bending on a weird position to look me at the eye.
"Wouldn't that be very unlikely, another mutated turtle Ninjitsu skilled?" I asked, and Donnie nodded at that. "Moreover, you don't know if the one to train her will be friend or foe, she could end being our enemy."
"Man, you love to complicate things, don't cha?" Mikey rolled his eyes while Raph snickered at his commentary. "Being our sister, there's no way she could avoid being a ninja and one of the good guys, like us."
"Are we talking of real possibilities or just insane theories?" was Donnie's contribution. "Because Leo seems to be referring to the first while you are fantasizing on the second."
"Geez, can't you two stop overanalyzing everything?" Raph grunted, pushing Mikey's legs down again with a little more force than necessary. It took both Donnie and me to prevent our little bro from falling to the floor.
"What's wrong with fantasies?" he said, once he stopped struggling. "I mean, we can imagine how would it be, and pretend she is real and has been part of the family all the time."
I found that pretty pointless, but Raph looked as if he decided to go along with it.
"Like this? Let say, she is green and fifteen," he teased.
"She is a ninja turtle," Donnie joked. "Oh, and our sister too. How could I forget it?"
"Yeah, yeah. We already agreed with all of that," Mikey interrupted. "She is just as funny and pretty as I am."
"Hell, no. Poor girl," Raph stopped a kick our not truly offended brother send him.
"She is curious and intelligent, and easily understands when I try to explain something," Donnie went on.
"But she knows when to keep her mouth shut," added our self appointed Scrooge. "And she's a damn good fighter, who can kick Leo's ass with ease."
Sure.
"What about you, Leo? What can you say about our sis?" Mikey asked and the three of them looked at me. Again.
"Uh …" I trailed.
"Yes?" questioned Mikey, urging me to go on.
"She is …" I stopped one more time, and sighed before continuing. "She is not real. I'm sorry, Mikey, I can't go along with this."
His disappointed pout made me regret my words immediately, but still I found nothing to say.
"And here I wondered when Mr. Fun will arrive," mumbled Raph. Donnie just shared a sad smile, which made me feel even worst. Why couldn't I be part of this stupid game, if only to pamper my baby brother? I couldn't resist the urge to explain myself, simply to make them stop thinking I was as pathetic as they already believed.
"It is just that I don't think we need a sister."
"Because it is a girl?" Donnie asked, and I couldn't believe what he was implying.
"Come on, Don! You know me better than that!" I defended myself. "I don't care if it is male or female; furthermore, I wouldn't care if any of you were a girl."
"That would have to be Raph …" Mikey taunted, changing his mind at Raph's reaction, "or Donnie."
Mikey ended at the floor, circumstance that I took advantage of by rousing from the sofa. I was getting tired of it; to be attacked this late by my own brothers would not help to improve our already strained relationship. Don and Raph will better be enough for Mikey, because I could not stand another moment by their side.
"Leo, please stay," Donatello grabbed my arm. Michelangelo was still at the floor, trying to emerge from the covers cocoon with Raphael's help. "I apologize, all right? It was not my intention to offend you."
"And why should I stay, Don? We evidently have different points of view on this, and anything I could add to the subject will turn into a discussion."
"You can keep your mouth closed and simply enjoy the company," Raphael grunted, pulling a blanket hard enough to make Mike roll and disentangle with a yelp.
"What do you think I've been trying to do the last ten minutes?" I freed myself from Donnie's grip and moved into Raphael personal space. "I've been doing exactly that and can't handle it anymore!"
"Well, then just say whatever you have to say," he moved closer to me, his voice full of displeasure.
"Guess what, Raphael, I already did it," I pointed, and my next words were clear and slow as if they could not get them otherwise. "I. Don't. Think. We. Need. A. Sister."
"Hey guys, it is okay; let's just talk about something else," Mikey said, but he still didn't step between us.
"Not yet, Mikes," Raph declared, not taking his gaze from me. "Our Fearless Leader still has to explain who named him God to decide about this."
"I need nobody to do so, Raphael; I'm part of this family and that gives me some right to say what I think, even if you are against it!" This was way beyond my old self, I knew it, but that didn't stop me. "Our family is perfect the way it already is, and I don't believe we need a sister or another brother or any other member you could think of, except …"
I silenced myself before the next words left my mouth, but the damage was already done. Anger finally abandoning me, to remain quiet was the only way to keep what little unwounded pride I still had.
"Except what?" asked Raphael, and he crossed the arms on truly Raph's fashion.
"A girlfriend?" Mikey provided.
"Mikey, please don't help," pleaded Donatello, burying his face in a pillow. He emerged seconds later, more composed. "Were you saying, Leo?"
"It was nothing," I shook my head and started to leave. "I'm going to bed."
"Ow com'on, Leee-o" Mikey whined, puppy eyes and all. "Puh-ease?"
Gosh. To believe Mikey is an innocent creature you really need to never have met him before, he is such a manipulative little imp. Usually I can defend myself from his scheming, but this night has proven to be too much for me. Therefore, I admitted defeat.
"I was going to say that maybe a mom would be okay." They remained quiet, shocked by my confession. Not the reaction I expected. "See? I knew you would not understand. Just forget it."
I left to my room, leaving them to deal with their own business, praying they will pay attention to my last request. Maybe I should forget the whole evening too, having enough to worry about and all. And sleep was now out of question, so I hoped meditation would be of any help.
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Hours later, I still couldn't believe what came out of my mouth, especially as it didn't go the way I expected. There was not as much embarrassment as anticipated, but that could only be due to the fact that I left before Raph and Mikey had enough time to recover from the blow. Nothing can be done to avoid the mocking I will be subjected at, but that's not what's nagging me right now.
It's something entirely different.
For first time in many days, there's more than anger boiling in me, whether contained or not. It's a sadness I have never felt with this intensity before, related to the last thing anyone could expected from me. Something I have craved for despite the fact that I will never get it. A mom.
I'm sure my brothers have thought of her at least once on their life, but the four of us have never sited to talk about it. Instead, I remember one day when the subject arise between Mikey and me, but it was mostly Mikey talking, wondering if our mother missed us. To him, she was out there, even if far-away. To him, she was real; his words showed it, with that dazzling innocence he still conserves traces of, among his traits the one I've always envied the most.
I am not like him. Even with us being the same age, back then I already understood the mother Mikey dreamed of have never existed and never will. She could not think of us the way he wanted her to, because even if she was still alive, there were in her no traces of the intelligence that made a difference between animals and human-like beings. As hard as it was to admit it, she had not a soul like those of us. She might be our blood related mother, but that meant nothing at all.
It makes me sick whenever I think like that. Racist is the first word that comes to my mind, and I can't help but compare my own feelings with those of the people that judge us less than humans. Chauvinistic, bigoted, xenophobic. Prejudiced, intolerant, narrow-minded. Biased. Many sleepless nights were prompted on my desire to find an excuse, anything, to make me feel less filthy about this. But all I have is this nagging egotistical feeling, knowing that my respect and love toward Master Splinter, my father, would simply not be the same if he were a non-mutated rat. Yes, we had a mother, but she was not the mother I needed. And to think of the mother I desired felt like a treachery toward the real one, so I refused doing so.
The same way I refused thinking of a sister that never existed.
We are the evidence that animals and humans are not that different, after all; because no matter how amazing the Ooze could be, it still was far from being god. We were mutated but it didn't make us be, didn't give us a soul. We already had one of those, the ooze just made it evolve into what we are now. And we were not that special; it could be any other creature in our place. To think of all those somebody that could have been just makes the guiltiness increase. I was given a chance many will never have; their number, millions of billions, is a weight that crushes me down.
There's no way I could be good enough to live up to it, but still I try.
To my brothers, Mikey's game was just that, a game. And all I can do is hope for them to remain that way, just as I yearn for somebody to come and make my worries go. I know we already have Master Splinter, but something tells me that's something only mothers are entitled to do. Then I think of my mother, a little creature that will never know we are its sons; and my soul mourns for the mom I'll never have.
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AN: I kindly invite you to read and review; I'll try to update this story as soon as possible and yes, I understand it might be slightly insane to try and publish it both in English and Spanish at once. Oh, and if you are waiting for an update on other of my stories, don't worry! I'm working on them.
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