"Wondering – 5"

Author: Stephjag aka Steph

Email: Stephrabbhotmail.com

Website: I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.

Classification: Vignette / Drama, romance Harm and Mac

Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)

Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines. Every shipper moment through season 2 and season 9.

Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.

Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.

Part Five

2332 ZULU Reflecting Pool Washington, D.C.

Mac stopped for a second, not really sure how to bring up the subject; what would happen if she told him what she was about to? What would his reaction be like? She'd known him for quite a long time now, but this...

She'd taken her chance with Clay. She had been sure she'd made the right choice, but today, Mac felt like she'd done the stupidest thing in her entire life. Webb was always away. God only knew where. Mac often asked herself why she had started all this with him. Was it really love that bonded the two of them? That's what she was convinced of in the beginning, but now...

They never had really talked about anything big like children or a wedding, though she knew that it would probably never happen with Webb, and even if he would have asked her, would she have answered "Yes"? And if she'd done so, what a life likes would she had had? Working at JAG headquarters during the day, and at night coming home and wondering what he was doing – hoping that he would come home in one piece.

Since last week when they went to that Chinese restaurant, she'd felt lost and empty, and the same sentence came into her head over and over again. It was written on a little white sheet of paper and imprisoned in a Chinese fortune cookie.

"Your unspoken desire is the road not taken. Take it!"

Mac was wondering now, was it faith that was trying to make something clear to her? Was it God's sigh that was telling her that she's on the wrong path?

Suddenly, Sarah Mackenzie was convinced that what she had to do was tell him what was on her mind, so she began:

"Harm..." she started tentatively.

"Yes, Mac," he answered, looking down at her with a soft gaze.

"I... I need to talk to you about something," Mac almost murmured.

Ham looked at her intently. Now he was starting to worry. What could she have to talk to him about that seemed so serious? He was hoping it was something he could help her with. And if he couldn't, he still would find a way to help her. "Mac, you can talk to me about anything. You know I'm there for you. I always will be. I promise."

"Don't make promises that you can't keep," she answered with a smile.

"I suddenly have an impression of déjà vu, here." Harm smiled back.

In front of the building, Falls Church, Virginia Five years earlier

Admiral A.J. Chegwidden just went back inside, leaving his two top lawyers outside. Harm and Mac were still staring at the ambulance where Bud, Harriet and the new little member of the family were.

Both were smiling at first, but then, Mac's face saddened. Harm hadn't noticed it 'cause he was still looking in front of him. A few seconds later, he gazed at her, and saw that she didn't look so happy anymore.

"You okay?" he asked her.

"Every time I think I've put the pieces of my life back together, somebody comes along and jumbles them back up. Everybody who has ever meant anything to me is leaving my life," she replied in a sullen tone.

"It'll be okay, Mac. You'll get to see Chloe again. One day you'll have kids of your own."

"Not at this rate. My biological clock is going off, and I keep hitting the snooze button."

Harm looked at her, and the look in his eyes slightly changed, a light grin appearing on his lips.

"Tell you what. Five years from this moment, if neither one of us is in a relationship, we'll go halves on a kid."

"You and me, have a baby together?" Mac asked, a little astonished, but smiling.

"With your looks and my brains, he'll be perfect."

"What if she has your looks and my brains?"

"That could work too," he replied, reaching out his hand.

"Don't make a promise that you can't keep."

"I haven't yet."

Reflecting Pool Washington, D.C.

Sarah Mackenzie moved a little closer to her friend. She needed to feel him as close as possible. Harm, who had felt her come closer, was a little uncomfortable at first, but didn't say anything, and then he just enjoyed having her so close.

"Harm?" she whispered.

"Hmmm?"

"Thank you... thanks for not judging me through all these years. Thank you for still taking care of me."

Harm was beginning to get really worried now; he had the feeling she was talking like someone who was about to lose everything in her life – and if he dared, he would say she was talking like a woman who was about to lose life itself. Harm was beginning to think that there was more to it than she was willing to tell him, and it made him feel slightly afraid.

"Mac, please tell me what's wrong?" he begged.

"Harm, don't worry, I'm fine."

"No, Mac you're not. I'm sure you're not! There's something more. I know you and we're friends. Yeah, okay, maybe things have changed, a lot has happened. I've done and said things I shouldn't have. But I can't go back and fix those things. I'm sorry for that. Really sorry for that. Today I can change – well, maybe not, but I can try, so please tell me what's wrong."

Mac smiled. She could see that Harm was really concerned and that it wasn't faked – with Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr, it never was. With him it was always real – loyalty, honor, honesty. His friend and his career and Mattie were the most important things in his life, though, Mattie at taken the first place in his heart, but who could blame him? She thought Mattie was a great kid.

"Harm, please stop this, I'm feeling great. I just want to tell you something and it's not quite easy, that's all."

"Okay, I'll let you talk and try to stop myself from worrying." He grinned sheepishly. "Great!" Mac smiled back.

She waited a few more seconds before she went on.

"Do you remember that Chinese restaurant, the lucky dream palace we went to?"

"Sure I do, why?" Harm replied, smiling a little at the remembrance of a couple of thoughts he had had about what if they were married.

"Why this smile, mister Rabb?"

"What? Oh, nothing. But weren't you about to tell me something, or did you suddenly change your mind, because you are afraid to talk to me about the fact that you are truly, madly, deeply in love with me?" he teased.

Mac first didn't how to answer to that, and normally she would have been in defensive mode but this time she didn't want to fight anymore. She had the feeling that if she didn't tell him it now it would be too late; if something were to happen to one of them, they would never know, and Sarah Mackenzie didn't want that to happen.

Sarah Mackenzie untangled herself a little from Harm's embrace, looked into his eyes – eyes that were still like an ocean to her, where she could drown herself without any hesitation. She leaned forward and brushed her lips with his before whispering, "As a matter of fact, yes I am."

To be continued...