"Wondering – 8"
Author: Stephjag aka Steph
Email: or http/ I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.
Classification: Vignette / Drama, romance Harm and Mac
Rating+13 (just to be on the safe side)
Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines. Every shipper moment through season 2 and season 9.
Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.
Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.
Part Eight
0057 ZULU
Harm's apartment
North of Union Station
Washington, D.C
Harm fumbled in his pocket for his keys. He couldn't get a grip on them. He felt suddenly nervous, as if it was the first time Mac had been to his apartment – though, in a way it was, since it was their first time as a couple.
"Calm down, you're not a teenage boy anymore," Harm thought to himself.
He felt Mac's hand sliding in his pocket, and murmured into his ear, "Here, let me help…" She slid the key into the keyhole, turned it, and opened the door. Mac was still standing behind him as they entered his apartment.
Closing the door, she threw the keys to Harm, who threw then on the table. He turned to look at Mac, who was sitting comfortably on the couch like she had done so many times before, as if nothing had changed between them.
"Want something to drink?" he asked.
"No, I'm fine, thanks," Mac replied.
Harm headed for his fridge anyway. He really needed something to drink, not because he was thirsty, but because his throat was feeling dry. Coming back to the living room, he sat next to Mac. She turned her head so she was looking in his eyes, and Harm felt his breath caught in his throat. There was no mistaking what he read in them: the love she felt for him for so many years.
"Harm? Why did you say that you had been a pretty big imbecile, too?"
Harm took a sip of water and really enjoyed the sensation of the liquid rolling down his throat. He closed his eyes and couldn't suppress a soft moan. After a few seconds, He opened his eyes again, and as he turned his head, he caught Mac staring at him dreamily.
A coy grin appeared on Harm's lips when he realized for the first time what effect he had on his best friend. He cleared his voice a little and stated his explanation:
"I called myself an imbecile because that's what I was back then on the Guadalcanal, when I came to see you to ask why you never called me back after your non-marriage with Brumby. You asked me if I would give up Renee, and by the time my answer came you were gone. And instead of running after you to tell you I would, I stayed there without reacting. So I was a pretty big imbecile…"
"Yeah, I guess you were," she said, laughing, leaning forward to kiss his lips.
"Well, thanks – now you are making fun of me," he replied against her lips, faintly annoyed.
"No, Harm – I'm just happy all this is behind us, that's all," she told him pensively.
"Mac, honey, it could all have been worse, you know. We could have lost each other a thousand times; I could have been killed by an anti-personnel mine, and you could have been killed too. Bud lost a leg and almost lost his career in the Navy, and that's not counting the fact that he was convinced he had become useless – which of course wasn't true at all."
Mac looked at him, a questioning look in her eyes. "Bud thought he'd become a nobody because of the loss of his leg?"
"Yep! And without him I would have been unable to understand a case you were prosecuting. Gunnery Sergeant Hankers, remember? He was accused of having killed his wife in a rage and some had said it was because he was drunk. And I couldn't quite understand why he would have first shot his wife in the neck and then in the shoulder… Then I went to see Bud, see how he was doing and if he could use a little brain storm." Harm grinned at the thought.
"I talked to him about the case and we thought about together. And suddenly, Bud was asking me if anyone else could have been involved in it, making it all appear in a new light. And I remember myself telling him, 'There is a God, Bud, you know how I know? Cause he only took a leg, he didn't take your head…'and it's then I understood that I was looking for answers in the wrong direction. "
"Yeah, sometimes we don't need much to understand things and sometimes we need a bunch of things. I keep wondering about a lot of stuff. I wonder how things would have been if Bud at been killed – what would we have done?" Her voice trailed off.
Harm came to sit closer to Mac and took her into his arms, and she cuddled immediately against him. He placed a kiss on the top of her head and stroked her hair gently.
"Honey, there's no need to keep wondering about what could have been. The past belongs to the past, and it can't be changed. What I'm sure of is you and me, here and now. I don't need more."
Mac looked up at him, a mischievous gaze playing on her face. "So I guess we can say that we both chose to take the road not taken … and with that we fulfilled our unspoken desire…"
Harm looked at her in disbelief, then smiled brightly and leaned down her to place a soft kiss on her lips.
"I guess we have to say thanks to the fortune cookies, then?"
"Yeah," Mac answered, smiling before adding, "It's because of them I'm here."
Harm kissed her again, but this time it was a passionate kiss that left them both breathless and dizzy when they parted for air.
Harm was looking at Mac, but suddenly she felt him slipping away in thoughts. She was concerned.
"Earth to Harm!" she said softly but firmly to make sure he'd hear her.
"Mmmm?" he mumbled absently.
"A penny for your thoughts." She smiled, caressing his cheek softly.
"Nothing…"
"Harm, please, tell me what's wrong. I know there's something. I can see it in your eyes."
"All right, then. You have to promise me something first."
"'Kay."
"Promise me you won't laugh."
"Why would I….?" She asked, a hint of apprehension in her voice.
"Just promise me."
"Okay, I promise."
"Mac, if we ever get married and things don't work out between us because I worked to much or any other circumstances life may put us in… promise me not to think that loving me was like stepping on a rusty nail and that being married to me would be like being married to a cactus…." His voice broke a little.
"Harm, I would never say such a thing. I swear!" she tried to soothe him.
"Don't say that. We both know full well that sometimes we say things that we don't necessarily mean, but we say them anyway. And promise me not to run to Colorado with Farrow if you ever had a mind to divorce me."
When she saw Harm's eyes brimming with tears, her own heart broke in a billion pieces.
"Harm, sweetheart, why do you think that our marriage would fail? I love you and you love me and I really believe from the bottom of my heart that we are meant to be other – otherwise we wouldn't have made it through all this. Trust me, honey, we are meant to be."
"But…"
Mac leaned forward and kissed him once, putting every emotion she felt into the kiss. She was determined to convince him, and as the kiss grew in intensity all Harm's fears and doubts faded away as he let himself be swept away by the kiss of the woman of his dreams, the woman he had loved for so long.
The End or is it the beginning?
5