The Night They Raided Sesame Street
By
David Whitley
Author's Note: Believe it or not, this disturbing little vignette began innocently enough. I was babysitting my two year old nephew. He was watching Shrek and playing with some of his Sesame Street toys, tossing them into the back of a large plastic dump truck. Just as the knight on the tv says "designated resettlement facility" I drew a brief parallel in my mind between what I was seeing now and what happened in the concentration camps. Now, before anyone gets all pissed off or snooty, let me say that I am not a Nazi, nor do I believe the fine people at PBS or Dreamworks pictures to support Nazism. I had just watched a documentary on WWII, so the two ideas just sort of congealed into this little literary farce. Enjoy it if you can, and if you can't then go find something you can enjoy.
Hooper's Store was burning. Ernie could see that much through the slats that covered the back of the truck. He quickly looked over the sea of sad faces with him, around to Big Bird. He really hoped Big Bird hadn't seen the flames. It nearly killed Big Bird when Mr. Hooper died, and to see the store on fire would surely finish him off now. He was kneeling next to Snuffy, knocked out by enough drugs to kill an elephant. Some of the darts still stood out on his shaggy hide. Ernie felt anger at the situation as a whole, but this sight brought on new anger. The darts had been totally unnecessary. With a few rare exceptions, the Muppets were a peaceful people. All of a sudden, almost overnight, the humans had turned on them. Called them freaks, abominations. Once they were loved, but all of a sudden they were hated.
No, not all of a sudden. Not overnight. Now that it was happening, Ernie could look back and see all the signs that bad things were about to happen. The mysterious fire at the Muppet Theatre. They lost Clifford and Rizzo in the blaze, but the Muppet community took solace in the fact that it could have been much worse. Then there was the cave-in down in Fraggle Rock. Poor Red, she was the only Fraggle to escape; and the Doozers, whose enthusiastic construction was blamed for the tragedy, were completely wiped out. What should have been the surest sign, however, was when Yoda defected. He became more powerful of course, but he was no longer a Muppet. He was one of them, a CGI.
Many Muppets went into hiding after that. Bear opened up his big blue house to the refugees, as did the Sinclairs of Pangea. Many others wanted to help, but couldn't. Mickey Mouse was too busy reigning over his vast Magic Kingdom to pay the Muppets any attention. Barney wanted to help, but his magic was only imaginary. The Teletubbies and the Boobah, who are simpler than even the dullest Muppet, couldn't even understand the situation, let alone help. None of this touched the residents of Sesame Street. They were secure in their own little world. They had friends and family. They were safe.
Ernie can't help chuckling now at the very thought of "safe." Not after this morning, not while looking at all the faces in the truck around him. Big Bird stroked Snuffy's trunk, tiny bird tears rolling down his big beak. Snuffy was sleeping soundly, drugged, but soundly, his massive breathes rumbling inside the truck. Poor little Elmo had fallen asleep curled up next to Snuffy. He was holding an empty fish bowl and muttering "Dorothy" in his troubled dreams. Zoe, Rosita, and Telly sat huddled together not far away. They might not have realized it, but Ernie could hear them all singing "Wubba wubba wubba" under their breath, like a mantra. Baby Bear sat holding his little sister Curley. She had fallen asleep in his arms, one hand clamped firmly on her big brother's ear. Baby Bear sat all but motionless, his little face an unreadable mask. Like a slate wiped clean of any and all emotional trace. No doubt wondering what might have become of the rest of the Three (Four) Bears family.
Ernie looked back out the slats as the familiar neighborhood quickly disappeared, to be replaced with the meaner streets of greater New York. Of all the sad, tired faces huddled around him, Ernie found himself thinking about those who weren't there. He tried to remember who and what he saw in the confusion of the early morning attack. He remembered Grover being dumped unceremoniously into the back of another truck, unconscious, his Super Grover cape ripped and helmet dented. He must have tried, in his own meek and Muppet fashion, to be a real superhero. He remembered seeing Cookie Monster being heavily bound, his toothless mouth being fitted with an unnecessary muzzle. He heard rather than saw Oscar in his can, sealed shut with heavy chains and locks, pounding and begging to be let out. Nothing unnerved Ernie so much as hearing his grouchy friend utter that most un-Grouch-like of words: please. Burt. Ernie and Burt were separated when the commandos kicked in their bedroom door. The last thing Ernie did before being dragged into this truck was to give Burt Rubber Duckie. Ernie hoped that his two best buddies were looking after each other.
The humans! What had become of the humans on Sesame Street? Gordon and Susan and Miles. Bob. Alan. Luis and Maria…and…Gabby. Would he ever see her again? Ever get the chance to tell her how he really feels about her. Deep in the back of his mind Ernie knew he wouldn't. The humans who lived and worked on Sesame Street loved the Muppets. They would have fought to protect them. Ernie briefly thought of Alan hitting one of the commandos over the head with a pot, of Bob breaking his Ukeleilei across another one's face, of Luis and Maria and his dear Gabby throwing boxes marked "fragile" through the door of the Mail It Shop at every one of the camouflaged thugs. Then it was gone. Most Muppets just didn't think that way. No doubt they had been arrested too. Questioned. They would be sent to a place to learn to hate Muppets like everyone else does, and if they didn't learn they would stay locked in jail forever. They couldn't help them. No one could help them, except…
Kermit. Yes, surely Kermit the Frog was still free. No one ever catches Kermit unaware. He rarely visited Sesame Street anymore so Ernie knew he wasn't caught in the raid. He was off somewhere, maybe hiding out in his swamp. He would come for them. He would rally those who were still free and lead them on another madcap adventure to free the others. Why, he'd even persuade the Skeces if he had to. Kermit would save the day. Kermit always saved the day. Always…