Chapter Five: Weightlessness Is Passing Over Me

The wood was quiet beneath his feet as he walked. Every step he took felt like he was dragging the weight of a boulder behind him, and each step became harder to take; there were too many emotions assailing him at once. Remus wasn't used to it. It frightened him, and it terrified him. It was like being thrown into the middle of a whirlwind and flailing to grab ahold of something, but failing. He hadn't ever wanted to feel like that again. Remus had wanted control of his life; he'd wanted stability.

But Hermione wasn't going to allow that, was she?

Remus reached out for the balustrade as the wind picked up. He gripped it tightly, taking one step at a time both slowly and carefully. The end of the pier seemed almost so far away he wasn't sure that he wanted to walk any further, but his muscles defied his mind and kept on moving. A slight drizzle began to fall from the sky, and Remus felt it on his face, in his hair, on his hands, against his clothes. The softest rainfall of water droplets, cold and precise upon his nerves. He shivered.

The storm could've been moving in, or it could've been moving out. The truth was, Remus didn't really care, nor was he paying much attention. His silent footsteps halted behind Hermione's feet. Her hair was a tangled mess before him, and he almost reached out to touch it. Why, he wasn't sure. He probably wanted to make sure she was real; he'd been fooled before into expecting happy endings, and maybe this wasn't going to be a happy ending. He hadn't believed in them for so long….It was almost impossible for him not to doubt their existence in this world. And maybe they didn't really exist at all.

Remus wondered what he would say. He was sorry? He was wrong? He would really like for her to stay with him and keep him company? Tell him her secrets? Share with him her life? And could she please, please kiss him like that again?

Remus frowned. No, he couldn't say anything like that. It wasn't appropriate or–

Merlin, was he taking this train of thought again?

Remus almost wanted to scream to release all of the thoughts and emotions taking up residence in his head. The world had become nothing but a mix of grey and black and deep brown eyes, and he wanted to purge it from him mind and sort everything out like he could before–

Before this.

He opened his mouth, feeling the world ready to pour out of it, but all that came out was a single word….a single name.

"Hermione?" he said.

A sudden thought crossed Remus's mind – had his world suddenly become her? Perhaps it had and he hadn't realized it yet. What else did he have to live for now that everything else had been taken away from him? He had his home, his simple and plain Muggle job, and a bit of magic to show for. Nothing else. Remus hadn't had real friends in a long time, and a real family for even longer. Hermione was his turning point. Why didn't he reach out and embrace it?

And the name was already out there in the open, so there was no taking it back and turning around. Not now. Not when he could feel the sudden tension it ignited cut through the air and pierce straight into his heart, steeling him in place. The strain grew so thick around them that he could almost breath it in like musty humidity on a hot summer's day.

Hermione whirled around quickly. She probably thought speed was the best way to go about things, because if she went too slowly she might find the strength to stop. Remus knew the feeling.

But nothing prepared him for the look on her face.

It was like driving too fast down the road at night, and then suddenly taking a curb and finding himself staring into the fearful eyes of a deer caught in the headlights. He was caught by surprise, even if he knew it might happen sooner or later.

Only instead of swerving out of the way, Remus stumbled back a step.

He still wasn't used to this Hermione – this Hermione consumed by fear and dread, with her once cheerful and bright eyes now so hollow and dull. Remus wasn't used to seeing her hanging off the end of her rope. He wasn't used to her trying to touch him. He wasn't used to her grabbing at his belt buckle–

Remus blushed. Beneath a gentle rain of icy water, he blushed.

Hermione looked at him, clearly confused, but only for a moment. Lifting her head up and swallowing nervously, she fixed him with a pointed expression.

"What do you want?" she snapped.

Remus was surprised by her hasty anger and coldness towards him. He looked at her for a while, brows furrowed, and saw what he was searching for. She suddenly wavered under his gaze, and he knew then that she only said it because she had been hurt – he had humiliated her earlier, of course. Women tended to be wrathful about that sort of thing, especially in these types of situations. Remus had seen enough of Sirius's ex-girlfriends to know that.

"Hermione," he began quietly, "Hermione, don't be like that–"

"Don't be like that? Don't be like that?" she hissed at him. "Well, then, how am I supposed to be, Professor?"

The title struck him unexpectedly. It hurt. It hurt to hear her call him that.

"That's not fair, Hermione–" Remus began, but she cut him off.

"Life's not fair, Professor," she replied crisply. "I thought we discussed this already."

"Stop calling me that."

"What?" Hermione asked innocently. "Professor?"

"Stop calling me that, Hermione," he said a little more forcefully. "I haven't been your professor since–"

"Third year," she cut in fiercely, "I know. But since I'm still a student in your eyes, that rather fairly makes you my professor, doesn't it….Professor?"

There was that sting again, and Remus really didn't know what to say. She had a fair point, didn't she? But he wasn't here for petty arguments over what had previously happened between them. He was here to fix the damage he had unknowingly done to her. Hadn't he wanted to keep her from breaking, even if it meant breaking himself? Wasn't that what he had set out to do in the first place?

Wasn't it?

Remus felt his strength returning to him, and his boldness growing.

"Why are you making me out to be the big bad wolf, Hermione?" he asked suddenly asked. "You didn't even stop to view this from my side, did you?" He paused, waiting for her to defend herself, but when she opened her mouth, nothing came out. She closed it again, and Remus nodded in understanding. "You just rushed into this headfirst," he said, "not thinking about the possible consequences and outcomes of your actions. I've suffered as much as you have, Hermione, and yet somehow you think that I could do something so rash, so thoughtless, and believe it'll make everything better, at the risk that it could swallow me whole?" He looked at her for a long moment, even after she turned away from him. "Have you really learned nothing about me after all these years?" Remus asked her quietly.

Hermione didn't answer. She wrapped her arms around herself, and fro the first time since he found her here, she looked….defeated. Hermione didn't try to hide it, but she didn't seem to want to face him either. Turning her back on him, she looked at the ocean again.

"Bravo," she said, her voice quiet. "Now you can go home with a clear conscience, I presume."

Remus could hardly believe what he was hearing.

Hermione wouldn't say that.

"Hermione…" he tried.

"Go home."

This isn't happening, Remus thought. "Hermione–"

"Go home, Lupin."

"My name is Remus," he corrected her.

"Go home," she whispered.

Remus stared at the back of her head in disbelief, but he didn't move. "No," he finally said.

"Go home."

"No," he said more firmly.

Hermione whirled around, and thunder rumbled in the sky somewhere above. "GO HOME!" she screamed at him, but Remus hardly flinched. Then she did the most unexpected thing – she bolted right at him, raising her clenched fists to his chest and catching him off his guard as she suddenly hit him. He stumbled, and seeing an opportunity, Hermione slammed her fists against him again and again and again. Remus struggled to grab hold of her arms as she swung at him, and finally he did. Hermione fought and fought, but his grip on her arms just tightened painfully until she let out a hurt cry and stopped swinging.

"Hermione," he tried to reason, "you need help–"

"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP!" she screamed at him. "YOU JUST KNOW HOW TO ENDURE!"

Remus froze as her words struck home.

She was right, wasn't she? To at least some extent? Sure, he tried to help and often gave advice, but usually he just listened, just endured whatever they had to say, and sometimes he'd have something to say that sounded somewhat wise and helpful, but really, wasn't he just trying to make them go away? Maybe if they took what he had to say to heart, they'd spend forever trying to figure it all out and he wouldn't have to deal with them again.

In that moment of weakness, Hermione broke free from his grasp and stumbled away. She was on the edge of tears, fighting them back uselessly no more. Remus was still processing her words, listening to the gears grinding in his head, but he had nothing to say this time. He had no helpful advice, no wise words, and no hopeful expression to repeat aloud. All the things he said…didn't he just say them for his own benefit? That one day, if he repeated them long enough, he might hammer them into his own head, and he might actually believe them himself.

But he never did believe them, did he? And Hermione finally saw through his facade, finally saw through his act that he hadn't known he'd been acting, and she'd exposed him to himself – a weak and withered aging man with nothing left to hope for and nothing left to lose but himself.

The rain came pelting down as the thunder rolled in the darkening sky above. Hermione drew her coat around herself, looked at Remus one last time as the rain mixed with the tears on her face, and she walked away. He watched her go, watched her legs carry her down the pier towards the main land again, and did nothing. Hermione didn't say goodbye, Remus didn't try to, and the storm said all the silent things that lied left between them.

Remus was watching the end of another road and feeling the drowning weight of another sorrow bearing down upon him like he had a million times before. Just watching and never acting, never trying to change anything, and never thinking he ever could. He never believed he had the power or the strength or the right to. The world could tip upside down, and Remus would say that was the way it was supposed to be while everyone else would try to push upright again.

He never tried.

He never thought he could.

He never believed enough in himself.

But most of all, behind all the self-doubt and lack of faith, he just didn't think he was meant to be happy.

Was he?

As he walked away, the world began to darken and close in around him again, and Remus almost let it.

Almost.

He walked at first, steady and stable steps on after the other, until he found himself running and running and racing against the wind. Beneath the rumble of thunder in his ears, he could hear his shoes clanking against the planks. Hermione must have heard them, too, for she suddenly stopped and turned around. Remus ran until he reached her, the abruptly stopped. He was breathing in heavily, trying to catch his breath, as he watched her watching him. She was waiting for him. Waiting for him to say something.

"Stay with me," he suddenly said. "For God's sake, just stay with me. You can sleep in my bed, and I'll–"

"I can't," Hermione whispered.

"Of course you can. You're a grown woman–"

"I can't," Hermione repeated more firmly. Remus stared at her curiously, not comprehending. Then, as it dawned on him, his eyes grew wide and he let out a silent "Oh."

Remus quickly went to shake his head. "Hermione, don't worry about it. It was just a misunderstanding. You were lonely and I understand that–"

But the look on her face just seemed to twist into one of pure anguish.

"You are so blind," she uttered in disbelief. "You are just so bloody blind–"

And she was walking away from him again.

Remus was frozen in his place, and everything abruptly went silent except for the noise in his mind. He was blind? Blind? Blind to what? What in the world was Hermione talking about now–

And suddenly, as it hit him, Remus couldn't breathe.

He couldn't bloody breathe.

No.

Good Merlin in Heaven, no.

Things like this just didn't happen to him. The just didn't.

Loneliness he could understand. Comfort he could understand. Even substitution he could understand, but…

She couldn't have been.

She couldn't.

"Hermione!" Remus called aloud, "Hermione, wait!"

He ran to catch up with her once again, but this time she wasn't stopping. He could barely see her through the thick rain that fell around them, but he could see that she wasn't turning around.

"Hermione! Please! Wait!"

She wasn't listening to him. Hermione picked up her pace; she was running from him now.

But once she had made it to the steps, he had already caught up with her. Remus seized her arm from behind and tugged her back onto the pier. Hermione almost fell into him, but he grabbed her other shoulder and she had found her balance again. Hermione didn't even try to break free of his grasp, though; she just whirled around – maybe to attack him or smack him or yell at him – the truth was, he never found out.

Because he kissed her.

Their limbs were tangled together awkwardly, but Remus found a very locking position that allowed him to slip an arm around her waist. His lips were slanted against hers, wet with cool raindrops, and his tongue darted out to softly lick them away. She shivered underneath the touch, and he felt her lips parting beneath his. Remus slipped his other hand behind her head, pressing her mouth to his and deepening the kiss. She molded against him, all wet clothes and cold skin, but…positively lovely. He didn't want to let her go, he didn't want to face what she would do to him when this ended, so he clutched onto her desperately until he just couldn't breathe.

Remus pulled away reluctantly, him warm lips cooled off by the falling rain, but the heat from Hermione still lingered in his mouth. He closed it, wanting to keep the feeling fro as long as he could.

"Stay," he whispered, hoping she would understand all the different meanings held in that one single word.

Hermione looked away, and he could imagine what was going on in her head, but as least she didn't try to escape from his grasp. "I can't, Remus. You…you don't–"

"I could," he said anxiously, taking her chin carefully between his thumb and forefinger and tilting her face up, so he could look her in the eyes. "I could if you'd let me, Hermione. There's more than enough to build from–"

"But you don't," she answered softly, sadly. Her brown eyes gazed back at his, pained.

He didn't know what to say, but the thought of losing Hermione created a gap almost too wide to jump. He was afraid to see how big it would actually be if he did lose her.

"Maybe I do, but I haven't realized it yet," Remus supposed, his arm tightening around her almost desperately.

Hermione didn't answer.

"I won't say it until I know for sure," Remus went on, plunging into deeper territory inside of himself than he'd done in a long, long time, "but just because I can't say it yet doesn't mean I don't care about you. It doesn't mean I don't feel something for you. Because I do, and I'm really, really afraid of losing that feeling. Please…Hermione…" He felt as if he was stripped bare, and the feeling was unbelievably frightening. Any moment...any moment the whip would come down…

"What if you get tired–" Hermione began, but Remus cut her off.

"I'm not everyone else, Hermione," he assured her softly. "Haven't you understood at least that by now?"

She rested her head against his chest, and he could feel her fingers clutching his jacket. He just wanted to stay like that…just like that…

"I love you," she whispered so quietly he barely heard her.

Remus held her closer in assurance, but the words hurt…they hurt because he couldn't say them back. He couldn't say them back just yet. Not until he was sure…not until he really knew what he felt.

So he settled for, "I won't let you go, Hermione. I promise I won't."

She seemed happy enough with that.

For now.

A/N: Please read and review!