Chapter 15

Ryan held onto Erin, the only person he had left in the world. Even though he had screwed up his relationship with her right out of the starting gate, she had forgiven him. In his wildest dreams could he hope that Greenlee would forgive him, too. He almost felt angry with Jonathan. Ryan's desire to save his brother was what lead to the avalanche of events that destroyed his marriage and life. Jonathan could have at least had the decency to live and fulfill his potential. But, of course, it was easy to heap all the blame and anger on a dead man. His dead brother. Erin lifted her head. "I wanted so much for him to be happy, to escape all the misery. Instead his life ended so horribly. In prison, all alone, unprotected – the victim of a vicious attack."

Ryan blinked as his brain conjured up an image of Greenlee. She would probably respond that Jonathan's victims had felt the same way. "Erin, I think that even if he had lived, he wouldn't be happy. Even if we had been able to get him out of jail, he would have been under constant scrutiny for the rest of his life. He wanted Greenlee to be a part of his family, and wanted her forgiveness, but it wouldn't have happened. And he would have had to live with the memories of the atrocities he committed. I truly believe he wouldn't have caused any more misery, but ultimately he wouldn't have been able to escape responsibility for his actions. Maybe…maybe its better that he can rest now, be at peace." She nodded, fresh tears falling from her cheeks.

There was a quiet knock at the door. Ryan looked over and saw Greenlee standing there. Erin saw her too and stiffened. "I…I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss." Erin sniffed. "I wish I could believe that." Greenlee looked down. "Let me be more clear. I'm sorry that you have to go through the pain of losing your brother. I know you both cared for him deeply." Erin grimaced. "I appreciate that." Ryan, didn't say anything, just gazed longingly at his wife. There was a long awkward silence. Greenlee turned and started to walk away. Ryan squeezed Erin's shoulder, then took off after Greenlee. He caught up to her and touched her arm. She turned around. "Thank you for your kind words. Let me be clear, too. I'm relieved that you don't have to be afraid anymore. I know that you never would have believed Jonathan was no longer harmful to you. I don't blame you, really. But its over now. He's gone. He can't ever hurt anybody or…or be hurt again."

He was unable to continue. Greenlee slipped her arms around Ryan's waist and held on tightly. "I'm so sorry you have to mourn his death twice. When we were in Thailand, I thought several times that I was going to have to mourn your death twice, and it was such a horrible prospect." Ryan held her tighter. "God, Greenlee. I still can't believe that I let you go through that even once. I was in such a bad place, and that seemed like the only way out. I should have trusted you. I should have gotten counseling." She pulled back and shook her head. "And I should have let you process through your grief and anger before I tried to shove a baby in your lap. I've always been too impatient for my own good. I know that with time you would have calmed down and wanted a child, like you did before." Ryan stroked her long, silky hair. "We've both made mistakes. Mine was worse, though. I don't want to hurt you again, Greenlee. Say the word, and I'll go back to Nova Scotia with Erin. I'll stay out of your life for good." She stared up at him with those beautifully large and sad eyes of hers.

Zach stared down at Kendall lying in his arms. He got one more night with her. After the ride in his office chair, they once again moved up to his suite. He didn't know why she made love with him when she was so close to getting Ryan, but he hadn't argued, questioned, complained, second-guessed, or even so much as lifted an eyebrow. Now he lay here waiting for her to wake up and blame her actions on jet lag or something. Her eyes fluttered open. She saw him gazing at her and smiled that self-satisfied, catlike smile of hers. She stretched and sighed contentedly. Okay, no regrets so far. After a few silent moments, her face started to grow pensive. There it was. He steeled himself for what was to follow.

Kendall woke up in the glorious cocoon of Zach's arms. She felt very triumphant over the previous night. He hadn't rejected her. He hadn't brought up divorce. She felt hopeful again. Until she thought about the baby. She had to finally tell him about the baby. But before she could do that, she had to tell him how she felt. Her spirits started to flag. Before she could do any of that, she needed to know exactly why he wanted a divorce. Kendall swung her legs over the side of the bed, grabbing the blanket and wrapping it under her arms. She looked at Zach, laying on the rumpled sheets, his face all stubbly. It would be so much simpler to just hop back into bed and wipe away the wariness that had crept into his eyes. She spoke softly. "Zach, why do you want a divorce?" His expression was grave. "I don't want to end our marriage, Kendall. I want you to stay with me." Hope leapt at his reply. "So what was that all about on the jet, then?" He took a deep breath. "I want you to be happy. It seemed like at that moment that you were happy with Lavery. I figured if he was what you wanted…" He shrugged. Her mouth gaped open. "You thought Ryan and I….you think I want to get back together with Ryan?" She shook her head and paced around the room. "What is with you and Greenlee? She thought I was after her husband too! About took my head off for it. I don't understand, there was nothing about our exchange that could be construed as romantic. We were just friends talking, comforting each other. I can understand Greenlee's reaction. She still loves Ryan, and was looking at the two of us through the eyes of jealousy…" She stopped short.

Kendall went over to the bed and sat down. "Were you jealous, Zach? Did it hurt you to think of Ryan and I together?" His expression was skeptical. "Are you telling me that you and he don't want to be together? I find that hard to believe. Your love for him was so intense. And on the jet he seemed pretty confident that you two would get married just as soon as the two divorces went through. He was being an asshole about it, and that was when I realized that I couldn't let him get his hands on you." Kendall closed her eyes. This was too much to process at once. "Wait a minute. He said that he would marry me?" Zach looked away. "He said he wants to make sure he's legally the father of his baby." Kendall stared at him. So that was the reason for the little smile when Ryan was getting off the jet. He had been jerking Zach around. Kendall didn't know whether she would strangle Ryan the next time she saw him, or hug him again. Pissing Zach off had effectively prevented him from getting on a plane to Haiti.

"I think I need to clear a few things up, Zach. I don't love Ryan anymore. He destroyed that love – not just because he chose another woman, but because he hurt me so badly. I can forgive him, but I can't love him again. He doesn't love me, either, and he doesn't want to marry me. He was just goading you so that you wouldn't divorce me." Zach contemplated all this. "What's the point? Why didn't he just come right out and tell the truth?" She laughed, in spite of herself. "Would you have believed him? He did us a favor. Bought us some time." He rolled his eyes. Then his gaze settled on her again. "So you no longer love Ryan?" She shook her head. "A lot of what I felt for him was based in my own insecurity, my desire for love and approval. I set him up the way I set up all the men in my life – to fail me completely."

Zach reached out and tentatively touched her hair. "You haven't set me up to fail." She looked at him. "That's because my emotions come from a completely different place this time. Instead of being based on insecurity, they're based on security. You've stayed right by my side through all of my craziness. Well, there was the extended absence in Thailand, but I guess that one is excusable. I don't think you'll ever walk away from me, and that's part of the problem. If you stay, I want you to stay for the right reasons. But I guess I can't have everything I want." Zach wound a strand of her hair around his finger. "You're not making any sense at all. Why don't we back up to the part about your feelings for me. What are your feelings for me?"

She took a deep breath, hoping she wouldn't see annoyance or pity in his eyes. "We married for business and for revenge. Then we became friends. Now lovers. And throughout it all I kept telling myself that I hated you, that you were my protection against love. Well, I screwed that up the way I screw up every crazy plan I conceive. I fell in love with you, Zach." He stared at her a moment. Then he took a deep breath. "With me?" She nodded. "Not because I'm desperate to be a part of a family, or to be noticed or to put on a performance as Good Kendall so that I'll get a pat on the head. You don't expect anything of me. You forgive me when I screw up. You try to make me see reason when I make foolish decisions, and stand by me anyway when I won't budge. You lied to me and hurt me in order to protect me, which is something that I would do, that I have done. When any other man would have taken me to bed the first chance he got, you were always a gentleman – much to my frustration. I love you, Zach, because of who you are and how special you've made me feel."

Zach looked off to the side, his breathing labored. "Because of who I am…are you sure that you really know who that is, Kendall? I mean, the man you're describing sounds like some sort of paragon." Kendall made a sweeping motion with her hands. "Stop it! It is you, Zach. I know you have this whole self-deprecating façade going on, but do you know how many months we've been in close proximity to each other? I know who you are, Zach, and everything I said is true." There was a long pause as he processed all of this. Kendall fidgeted with her blanket. Impatiently she let out a long gust of air. "So, are you going to tell me what you think about all this? The bomb that I just dropped on you? I know I just said that you would never walk away, but are you going to prove me wrong? Are you going to run in the opposite direction of the woman crazy enough to be in love with you?"

With a swiftness that startled her, Zach grasped her shoulders and pushed her down onto the pillow, hovering over her. "There is no way in hell I'm letting go of the one woman crazy enough to be in love with me. Especially when I'm so crazy for you that I need a straightjacket. I love you, Kendall. I've seen over and over how much you give to others and I've ached for you to turn that shining beacon of love onto me. I never thought it would happen. God, I still can't believe that it's happening. Tell me again, Kendall. Say it to me, again." Shaking, she put her hands on either side of his face. "I love you, Zach." He kissed her hard. For the next hour they released all the emotions that had been kept pent up until now.

Kendall snuggled up to Zach, thrilled that so far everything was going well. Now to really freak him out. "Zach?" With his eyes closed, he murmered, "Hmm?" She ran her finger up his arm. "I need your full attention, Zach. Telling you I love you was only one of the things I wanted to talk to you about." His eyes popped open and he smiled. "I can't imagine it can get any better than this." She smiled back. "Well, it depends on your perspective. You're either going to love it or hate it." He looked at her with a puzzled expression. "You have my attention." She took a deep breath. "You've asked several times why I came looking for you in Thailand. With so much going on, it was never the right time to tell you. I was going to tell you on the jet, till you blew me away with the offer of divorce." He looked rueful. "Well, the time can't get better than this. Tell me."

She took a deep breath and told him all about the supposedly routine visit with Dr. Madden. She finished by telling him Dr. Madden's conclusion that Greenlee's baby had miscarried, and that she was now carrying Zach's child. After a moment, Zach sat up in bed. He looked down at the sheets for a long while, and then said something totally unexpected. "Tad was right. I thought he had rocks in his head, but he was right." Kendall frowned. "What do you mean? Did he tell you about the baby, and you didn't believe him?" He shook his head. "When we were in jail, I was hallucinating a lot from the drugs, and having strange dreams. I told him that I kept seeing a little girl, dreaming about her, and I wanted to know if she was real. He told me a story about how he used to dream of his little girl when Dixie was pregnant. I told him it was completely irrelevant because you were carrying Ryan's child." Zach looked at her. "Kendall…he was right. The little girl I was dreaming about…she was ours." His voice was thick and his eyes bright. "Dreaming about her, and dreaming about you, was what kept my sanity." Kendall looked at him in amazement. "A little girl? So, does this mean you're okay with…being a father?" He laughed. "I'm going to be the father of a Kane woman. Heaven help me."