A Cloudy Day
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to FF7 or anything related to said game. I don't own the rights to the Frisbee either. Or any copyrighted material, for that matter.
Summary: Cloud sets out to do something, forgets, remembers and sets off again! Where will his quest take him?
One day, there was a cloud. And this cloud was white and fluffy, and it…EXPLODED AND THEN LOTS OF LITTLE CLOUDS RAINED DOWN AND-
Wait a minute. Oh yeah…
In a little boring yellow place where people went for their holidays because THEY WERE UNORIGINAL AND BORING, there was a cosy little villa by the name of whatever its' name was. In this villa, resided some guy.
But you know what? There was a cloud outside! It was white,fluffy and dumb looking, which actually isn't a bad description of our hero, really.
"Tifa! The author made fun of me!" cried an obviously oversensitive little prick- I mean, courageous talented hero by the name of Cloud Strife.
And then he realised his full name could be found in a dictionary. So he cried. In a different way. Yeah.
"Don't listen to them, Cloudie!" Tifa tried to reassure the dense twit Cloud.
So Cloud made a face.
On a piece of paper.
Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
And then he made another face, and the author realised they were going nowhere with this fic so far.
"Get on with it" Cloud shouted at what seemed to be no-one in particular.
Then some clouds passed by, illustrating how vague and flimsy the 'plot' really is.
And a tree rustled.
And the wind blew a pair of underpants off someones clothes line.
And it hit a would-be villain in the face.
And that pair of underpants saved the world from total devastation by the hands of ANOTHER evil villain who was malevolent and wicked and evil and more adverbs the author couldn't be bothered to type. Which basically just proves how lazy todays youth is.
MOVING ON…
So there was Cloud, sitting on his pink flowery bed, watching the world pass by. And then it came to him; he thought about doing something!
So revolutionary was this thought that he congratulated himself out loud. And convinced yet another person how little precious sanity he had left in his tiny head.
Cloud got up and walked confidently out the room, pausing briefly to duck under the top of the door frame because of his spiky hair. Darn architects; they had no sympathy for today's overly spiked hair gelled youths!
Meanwhile, Tifa was busy doing something vague and probably stupid in the kitchen. Like cooking. She kept on doing this until she saw Cloud, at which point she ceased all form of cooking and stared open-mouthed at the former SOLDIER, except that he actually wasn't and he-
Never mind.
She continued this sport of staring open-mouthed at the guy until he noticed her after all of 10.00 seconds.
"What are you staring at?"
"You…"
"You what?"
"What?"
"What?"
"You…uh…"
"You what with the who now?"
"What is that on your head?" Tifa said exasperatedly.
Cloud tried to look up to see what exactly it was the woman was on about, but his hair just wouldn't reveal this secret to him! Mystified, and confused all the same, he continued in his endeavours to uncover the secret his hair seemed to contain.
Then Tifa took it off.
So Cloud looked at it.
Tifa studied it nervously.
Cloud eyed her confusedly.
Tifa wondered amazedly.
He glanced at it wondrously.
She looked at him boredly.
"Better say something or the author is going to run out of describing words"
"Oh. This thing…" she held it close to her face, eying its' amazing structure.
"So that's where my Frisbee got to…" he said.
Just then, as if to break this awkward moment so the author wouldn't have to type Cloud and Tifas way out of this scene, came Nanaki.
"Tifa. Cloud." He greeted them in a polite manner, nodding his head at them.
"Oh yeah. Red, your shows' on" Cloud told the red furry cat dog like thing that we don't actually know the species of.
"BOOYA!" Nanaki squealed and bounded off in delight to the living-room.
"Is it just me or is he unusually out of character today?"
"Just you"
"Oh…"
"Yeah…" Cloud scratched his butt as he said this.
And then he SUDDENLY remembered he was going to do something! Thinking quick, which wouldn't be very quick at all even to the thickest never-schooled kid around, he set off for the door.
Then he remembered he had to open it.
"Cloud, where are you going…" asked a left-behind Tifa of ceased cooking activities and frisbee collecting.
"I'm going to-" and just then the blonde dude forgot where he wanted to go. But being the brave warrior he was, he tried to think of his proposed destination.
But this made his brain hurt, so he concentrated on his efforts to make the door actually open.
All of 5 seconds later, the spiked crusader of dumbness opened the door and set off.
"Cloud?" an ignored Tifa of ceased cooking activities, frisbee collecting duties and question asking called.
But to no avail, as Clouds' concentration was on where he actually wanted to go. This my friends, takes up a considerable amount of the poor guys thinking skills.
After some delay, his mind was made up. His destination? Only he knew. Will time tell? We will have to wait. Where's the bathroom? To the left.
It was going to be long and arduous; so his first stop would be the Costa Del Sol bar.
And Cloud walked into the bar. Then he said,
"Ouch"
So he walked into the building called a bar, instead.
Inside the lively and colourful seaside bar were many sorts. Surfers, swimmers, tourists, Cloud fan-girls, Hojo, a tramp, visitors from an alternate dimension, and a talking apple.
"Hi" said the talking apple, whose only purpose in the whole fic was to introduce our hero and who then promptly vanished into the land of apple-pickin'.
Weird, wondered Cloud.
I hope there's some good waves…but what did the forecast say again…wondered a surfer.
I wonder what to see today, wondered a tourist.
I wonder what all this wondering is about, thought a certain supposed-to-be-dead scientist.
"I AM THE CHAAAMPION MY FRIEEENDSSS!" cried a drunken Reno.
Cloud looked for a place to sit that was at least ten seats away from Hojo, and glancing around, he took a seat.
Then it dawned on him.
HIS ENEMIES WERE IN THE SAME BAR AS HIM!
And…
ONE OF THEM WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!
But…
I DIDN'T HAVE BREAKFAST TODAY!
So…
THE ANNOYING CAPITAL LETTERING CONTINUES!
Cloud shot up, his eyes full of rage, his hair full of gel, and his pink bunny slippers full of polyester.
"You!" his acidic glare melting several beer glasses nearby.
"Cloud!" Hojo gasped.
"Reno!" shouted a certain red-haired Turk.
Cloud unsheathed his sword, ignoring the gasps and "oohs" and "aaahs" and "lemme take a picture!" of the crowd forming around him.
"You…how are you still alive?"
"A…an evil weirdo made me come back to life!" which wasn't far from the truth.
"Who?"
At that moment the oh-so-stereotypically-mad scientist pointed towards the all-knowing and all plotless one that is the author. Who just appeared as thin air to everyone else, so that's all good.
"Oh yeah. I think you were needed to keep the plot moving" Cloud explained.
"So…eh…Cloud, you wouldn't hurt me, eh?"
"Well no…"
At this Hojo silently thanked whatever benign force spared him.
"Until at least chapter two, at which point I'm allowed to brutally slaughter you" Cloud smiled.
Then he saw his sentence rhymed.
So he smiled again.
"I LOOOVE YOUUUU!" Reno sobbed pitifully, trying to hug the rather transient-like dude in the corner who sold things he probably picked off the street.
Then, due to some hilariously bad plot constructing, Cloud sat down again at his seat, completely ignoring the current fact of two of his enemies being in the same bar as him.
This left Hojo to think about exactly how unpopular he was, and how practically everyone on the earth wished he'd die. Oh yes.
Cloud thought about how he was going to get to his destination. Obviously he would need some help, as this going to be no easy task.
He leaned back on his bar stool, and then quickly fell off onto the floor which smelt of sick and beer and some other interesting smell he couldn't work out the origin of.
Unfazed by his falling off his bar stool because of his rock hard defense i.e- his spiky hair, he got up again and continued the act of pondering. This was rather rare to see him do these days.
Just then a big-busted angry one burst into the bar.
And no folks, I'm not talking about Tifa!
"CLOUD!" Barret screamed at the dumb spiked one.
The one of being shouted at spun around, not unlike a ballerina on um…steroids.
"WHAT?" he screeched back, shattering several windows in the process.
"What're yeh doin' mopin' about in here? Yer supposed to be helpin' us!"
"Nothing Mr.T- I mean Barret! And wha…what am I supposed to be helping you with again?" Cloud scratched one of the hard spikes that he liked to call his hair. This didn't look half odd.
"Get yer butt over here an' I'll tell ya then!" Barret softly commanded in a sweet tone.
Obediently the yellow wonder made his way across, dodging Reno who seemed to want to invite everyone in the immediate vicinity to hug him.
Barret pulled Cloud to the side. "It's well…THAT thing…" he tried to illustrate his point through a hand gesture.
Cloud blinked.
Barret sighed. "Playtime with Marlene, of course!"
Cloud unblinked.
To further illustrate his point, Barret whacked Cloud on the head.
And then Cloud realised what Barret was trying to say!
"YES! YES! YESSSS!" and without further ado, Cloud ran home to perform this exciting duty!
The fact that a grown man was jumping up and down screaming "YES!" did not faze the customers of the bar one bit. Not even one in pink bunny slippers.
Elsewhere, Tifa was still doing random vague uninteresting things too trivial to mention. Like building a nuclear reactor. Just then Cloud burst into the villa, pausing briefly to survey the structural damage his 'do had caused thus far.
He then bolted into little Marlenes' bedroom with a grin not unlike that of a deranged serial killer. Pausing for a second to take his favourite toy off a shelf, he sat down next to the little girl.
"'Ello, lil' Marly!" he propped the toy up on its' spindly legs.
"…" the kid blinked.
"Aren't ya gonna say anything, Marly Warly?" he continued, practically shoving the doll in the girls' face.
"…"
Cloud tried a different tactic. "Oooh…Marly, dollies comin' to get ya!" he said while moving the toy even closer to her.
Marlene blinked, then threw her head back and screamed.
"What tha' heck is goin' on in here?" Barret questioned Cloud as Marlene screamed past him.
"MARLY WARLY! DON'T LEAVE MR CLOUDIE!" the twenty one year old of insane grins swept past a bewildered Barret after the little girl.
And it was that which helped our hero to be cast out of the villa.
"You'll be sorry!" he shouted at them, as a slamming of doors and clinking of wine-glasses was heard. And…DOORS WERE LOCKED!
But they weren't sorry.
Undeterred as he was, Cloud used his best tactic of gaining entry into the locked villa.
"BARREEEET! TIIIIFAAA!" whined Cloud, as pathetically as was possible, causing several flying pigs to fall to the ground in the unbearable agony of it all.
"Squeal!" cried the pigs.
"Squeal!" cried the Cloud.
Ironically, Cloud just gave up all hope of getting into the villa there and then.
Understandably, he stood there.
Confidently, he farted.
Hopefully, he set off.
Horribly, he tripped over a large, weird mass on the ground.
Painfully, he looked at this thing.
Gaspingly, he almost fainted.
Adverbly, he continued to look.
"This chapter is getting too long"
So the chapter ended there.
Oh no! A cliffhanger! What amazing revelations will we uncover in the next chapter? Who knows? Who cares?
TUNE IN NEXT TIME, FOLKS!