Title: Copper

Author: Lady Valmar

Genre: Reflection (Maybe Angst)

Rating: T

Archive: SGAHC, FF

Spoilers: Season 2 - Aurora

Summary: "He remains a civil occupant in my midst, even when he is angry. He seems to hold on to a certain sense of civility which makes me question my own feelings towards him."

Warnings: Teyla/Ronon reflection

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis or any of the characters, So any other stuff not owned by Stargate Atlantis in this fic, is mine and therefore please ask and do not infringe nor steal my original themes, concepts, ideas or characters please.

... .LV. ...

C o p p e r

By Lady Valmar

My contentment is that I have finally been able to sleep through the solace of the night for once without all the shouting, the screams, the gore pervading my thoughts. I still hear them sometimes, whispering inside my head. I know it's only memories from the last time I tried to connect but I can't help feel the anxiety well up inside.

Sometimes when I think no one is looking, I will whisper the words that my father taught me, to drown fears and silence dreams. Once Ronon caught me doing it, I passed it off as a prayer, something done for meditation. He took it without questioning me further, but he seems to know more than I tell him. I know he can relate to the pain I feel. He senses when my moods are off, even though I usually keep a tight constriction on what I let people see.

He knows me, even though he shouldn't really. He hasn't really had the time to know me to be able to do so. It frightens me to know that he may know more about me than most others will ever hope to know. But he too has felt losses, he is a Runner, how could he not relate. And that has bonded us together closer than with the others, still I feel uncomfortable when he finds me alone meditating or tries to strike a conversation with me.

He remains a civil occupant in my midst, even when he is angry, he seems to hold on to a certain sense of civility which makes me question my own feelings towards him.

When he shot his mentor Kell, I felt betrayed but I also knew of his reasoning behind his action. I couldn't grasp what to feel, my emotions were conflicting, I knew what he was feeling, at least some of it, and I could even understand why he did what he did, still my trust has wavered with him.

I have never blindly given out my trust or misplaced it in someone I should have known better than to do so. With Ronon this is different, because we both have had similar experiences with the Wraith while Dr. Weir and her people have not felt the full impact of what is to lose continually to the Wraith, as Ronon and I have. That is what made me bond closer with him than with Sheppard or Rodney and that is what makes the betrayal I feel burn deeper in me. I cannot lie and say if it had been Sheppard or even Rodney, I would feel the same, but with Ronon I feel a closeness that no one can share with me. And that closeness is what is making the sting of betrayal hurt so much.

I can forgive him over time. It is just these feelings that keep me acting the way I have been feeling since the incident. Since our first meeting I have become unbalanced.

So I've hidden it down, ignoring it to point of it not existing.

I have never really felt the need to pursue anything associated with love or as the earth humans call dating. Still, I feel myself sometimes welcoming his company more so than I do with most others. I find myself almost longing for his company sometimes. And then I have to remind myself, I am Teyla Emmagan. Leader of the Athosian people, team member on Col. Sheppard's team and I cannot afford to let my feelings, longing for companionship or love get in the way of my duty to Sheppard's team nor my duty to my people.

When I faced being suspected of being a spy, I took it with understanding.

When I faced the betrayal of the Genii, I accepted and moved on.

When I faced the storm in the puddle jumper with Lt. Ford and Dr. Beckett, I stayed strong for them.

I faced Sora and I did my best to not let the guilt shroud me and stood strong.

When Commander Koylaa forced Sheppard and McKay to find the ZPM for him, I stood by unnerved but I didn't flinch.

When I found out the Wraith were on their way to Atlantis, I took it with grace, standing strong.

But when the nightmares took over, I felt my strength fail me. I turned to confiding in Sheppard, who in the end betrayed that trust and sent me to Dr. Heightmeyer. But I can't hold it against him, he did what a friend would do and Dr. Heightmeyerhelped me overcome the plague of emotions that distracted me.

Then when the wraith took over my body, I felt a renewed strength to face my fears and concerns, return.

Then I met Ronon and thought I held my ground well.

When I faced Sheppard as he was transforming, I held strong refusing to let the fear or other feelings take over.

But then everything came crashing down around me.

The final straw was when Ronon had shot Kell, the anger I had kept down for so long overwhelmed me. I had only said a fraction of what I wanted to say to Ronon.

When I see him, I see him as beyond the normal means of friendship, beyond an ally, and beyond the eyes of being a leader. And that is what is making me unbalanced.

I realize, though it is frightening to say, that I think I am falling for him, this Runner, Ronon Dex.