A/N: This is my first completed attempt at writing fan fiction. Even I know that it's bad. It doesn't seem to flow. It's almost like a "cut-and-paste" project. Beta-readers, yes? Help is appreciated. Unless if it's just a "You suck hard" kind of thing. In that case, screw you. And yes, I DO know that there's a lot of sentence fragments. Oh, well.

I Remember

I used to love you, you know.

In so many different ways, for so many different reasons, I loved you. Maybe, if I had realized this sooner, I wouldn't be rationalizing it all in my head.

You always had that look in your eyes. Whenever we were together, you gazed into my eyes, as if pronouncing your ability to read my mind; through my very soul and being. Complete devotion, shining clearly. What was it about me that you loved? I never found out- the ticking of your heart was far too loud; it blocked out everything except for the most euphoric of emotions.

And your body! It was ALWAYS warm. Delicious, inviting, exquisite... And so very hot, when you least expected it. I simply died when I looked on at your being. Sometimes, it was twisted up in such interesting ways... As was your face, with emotions flitting lightning-quick over it...

You were my angel. Mine, and no one else's. I loved it. I loved everything about it. The thought, the mutual agreement, and the cold, hard fact that we both wanted it.

I wonder when it all went wrong. I think I know what happened. I was horribly afraid, I guess. Anxiously thinking about what people would think about me, about what would become of me, I turned against you.

I suppose I was angry. Angry that you would do anything for me, while these kinds of thoughts stayed swirling in my mind. Wouldn't you? No, you aren't that kind of person. Ironic that you, purest of the pure, chose me as a lover. I bet we were more than that in your mind, right? Of course. Everything was dynamic for you. Perhaps, the only reason why you stayed with me was because I was your first friend, and, perhaps, the first of everything?

I really don't understand. You're such an enigma, you know that? Such a tease, too. Really, it makes one wonder what sort of upbringing you had…

Back to the point. I had you. In my clutches. Unfortunately for us both, my stupidity doomed us both. Me with my eternal suffering; wondering what we could've had. You, the betrayal marring your very own soul. Only now do I realize what you really were to me. Back then, you were nothing but a toy. At least, that's what I believed. I know better now. I know that 'with age comes wisdom' is a bunch of crap. I only know the fact now because I've just…well, learned. To the present me, you were not a toy. You were more than that- to me, you were everything that I wanted. EVERYTHING. Would you believe me if I told you that now? Psh.

I curse my folly. In a moment of weakness, a vital moment, I had abandoned you. I hate myself for it. Hate, HATE, HATE! I just can't believe that my conscience just let me do it! It should have chained me, made me realize your worth.

But it's all too late for that now, isn't it? Far too late…

"Honey, it's past twelve. You should sleep now."

…

That was commanding, wasn't it? Not even a hint of a question lurking in there. See what I have done? When I left you and chose her- that female, I condemned myself to this. With you, I was free. I was me. But now, I'm stuck in this god forsaken 'home'. Pleased everyone around me, pleased the damn family- just not myself. But you know what? I think I deserve this punishment- karma, you might call it.

"You have work tomorrow. Sleep NOW."

See what I mean? Nothing at all. Sooner or later, my soul will tip into insanity. Will you forgive me then, dear Kanau?

…

"Goodnight, my beloved…"

The End

Ending notes: Yeah, I know a bunch of people probably hate me for writing this and justifying Kanau's sempai. It's just that, you never know, you know?