Author's Note: It's been a while since I updated this particular story. I'm at the stage where I hate everything I write, again. After a couple of rewrites, this chapter looks somewhat presentable. I'm posting it before I have a chance to read it over again and hate it. I know you all want me to update Enemy. :::grins evilly::: Patience, people, patience. I'm having second thoughts about the ending. Probably not what you wanted to hear...heh...
In response to individual reviews:
Violet Cleric: You know, I can't read the first 2 chapters of my own story without shuddering. It certainly was NOT my intention to suggest Yamato hated performing. He was just tired and not looking forward to dealing with all the screaming clawing fans. He loves music. It was also not my intention to make TK so cruel. I went overboard with the angsty vocabulary, I believe. You have to understand that in this story TK has been raised by a very resentful mother who blames Yamato for her failed marriage. He would, of course, share some of that resentment. What I'm telling you now will be developed further along the story, if you choose to read the rest of it. As for TK having a bigger part in the story. The sequel to My Inferno will give him a place as one of the major characters. I hope this answers your questions.
Melissa-T: Your constant reviewing has been greatly appreciated! I love The Soul of Yama as well. I'm glad you like this story. Please don't hesitate to inform me of anything I should improve on.
kalizuta: The Soul of Yama is like a very long and detailed character sketch of Yamato written by Taichi. I mentioned earlier in the story that Taichi wanted to be a writer and that he studied people. Well, he studied Yamato and wrote a book analyzing the blonde's character. I hope that clears it up.
My Inferno
Chapter Eight
His breathing was soft, his heart fluttering weakly.
Yamato pressed his knees closer against his chest. The floor was hard and cold.
He was so weak and so hurt and so alone. Yamato wished desperately he could be numb again. But Taichi had changed all that, had made him feel again.
Taichi had killed him.
Bravely Yamato swallowed the despair rising up from deep inside and made his way to the bathroom. He wouldn't look into the mirror, wouldn't see what he had become. Instead he washed the blood from his trembling, cut hands and splashed his face. The water was cold and unforgiving.
He'd passed out last night. Couldn't remember how long it took. Didn't know how long the darkness lasted. Couldn't stop feeling Father's cold strong fingers digging cruelly into his shoulders.
I'm late for school.
Clothes. He needed clean clothes. Hide his skin, his hands. Where were his gloves?
A dry sob escaped his closed throat and he half collapsed against the wall. This was the end of his strength, his reason.
He groped around, found his books, the homework he never started. He should probably eat something. Yamato stopped halfway to the kitchen, running a hand through his hair. His hair was a mess. He was shaking. Why was he shaking? Shoes, no shoes.
Yamato wrapped a coat tightly around himself, as if it could truly protect him. As if it mattered to him what happened now.
The streets were empty this late in the morning. Anyone looking would have seen a thin, frail boy walking slowly down the sidewalk. He held himself tall, delicate mouth set in a straight, commanding line. He was like a king who walked across the bloodstained battlefield and over the bodies of his fallen soldiers towards his enemy and certain death. Defeated in body only, exhausted to the point of no return, yet still proud, still determined to die with honor at all costs. Majestic. Beautiful beyond words.
The school yard was full by the time Yamato arrived. It was lunch break.
He strode automatically towards his clearing, where he had always found peace and comfort in the trees. He did not find that today. What he found was Taichi staring back at him with accusation, with sadness, with affection.
But not with pity.
Yamato smiled, and for the first time in years, it was without bitterness.
"How do I look?" He asked softly. Somehow, it wouldn't be ugly if he found out from Taichi. Somehow, the other boy was different from a mirror.
"Dull," Taichi answered. "You are tired."
He sighed and closed his eyes. "I am."
Yamato heard Taichi walk towards him and did not try to escape. He felt the other boy tug his gloves off, felt Taichi take his hands. He opened his eyes in time to see Taichi kiss gently the crimson lines curved into his skin.
He felt warm then, as arms wrapped tightly around him. Finally he was warm and safe again.
"I'm taking you away," said a voice.
"I'm supposed to be somewhere...school..."
Yamato tried to protest, tried to draw himself away from the nice darkness. But he didn't try very hard.
"Please, Yama. I need help with Math."
Yamato smiled. "You are always so good with your homework, TK. You hardly need me."
A seven year old TK smiled back. "But I miss you, Onii-chan. When are you coming home?"
"Do you really miss me, TK?"
"I love you, Yama."
"Then I'll go home now. With you."
He took TK's hand in his own, and walked into the blackness.
OOOOOO
"You don't believe in promises anymore. They can be broken. They are how people broke past that icy barrier of your fragile heart. They were used to stab you. They betrayed you. Therefore, Yama-chan, I don't promise. I show you."
- from The Soul of Yama, as was written by Yagami Taichi
OOOOOO
"You don't believe me."
Hikari bit her lip nervously. She had never seen her brother like this. She saw it, of course, just as their parents saw it. Taichi was in love with Yamato. He would realize it sooner or later, and they would be there to support it when he did.
But no one expected to come home and see him outraged, grieved, sitting on his bed cradling Yamato's sleeping body tightly to his chest.
Such an accusation.
Yamato was abused, he told them. The blonde had come to school late that day and fallen asleep in Taichi's arms. Taichi brought him home.
Hikari looked at Yamato's tortured body, at mom, then dad.
She raised her chin. "Yes, Tai. We believe you."
OOOOOO
He'd woken up in darkness without knowing the time, the day, in Taichi's bed, in Taichi's room, with the other boy's presence all around him.
Panic.
"What are you doing?"
The door had opened. A shadow in the light from the hall.
"I have to go home," Yamato swayed slightly on his feet, draping his coat over his shoulders.
He tried to leave, but Taichi stopped him with an arm around his waist.
"I won't let you go back to him," the other boy said fiercely. "I won't let you punish yourself for things you never did wrong."
Yamato looked at Taichi with tired eyes. It had been such a strain over the years to pretend nothing was wrong. How could the other boy understand?
He struggled uselessly, like a trapped animal.
"I know he hurts you, Yama." That voice again, so low and soft in his ear. Dangerous. "I know everything."
And rage rose up in Yamato's chest. It gave him a little of his strength back, so that Taichi looked suddenly shocked.
"You know nothing!" He screamed and tore out of Taichi's arms, out of his house. Far away from all those people trying to understand him, trying to control him and to gain his trust only to throw it back in his face. He'd had enough. No more, he thought over and over again.
No more.
He wasn't sure when he fell, only that suddenly he was staring up from the ground into the black sky, at the darker curls of clouds. There was no mercy. There never would be any. It would be better to end it now, while he still could.
But for this single moment, all he wanted was to cry. The tears were behind his eyelids, hanging over his eyelashes. Frozen. They'd been there for a long long time.
"Yama!"
Arms around him again. He hadn't realized how cold he was until he'd been enveloped in warmth.
"Don't run anymore, Yama, please. Don't hide from me."
Taichi held him so tightly, almost as if he cared. Yamato was still for a moment, listening to Taichi's wild heart beat. Then, almost quietly, a sob escaped his throat.
Why should kindness make him cry?
Yamato sealed his lips, screwed his eyes shut against the nameless sounds fighting to get out. He wouldn't let Taichi hear anything from him. He wouldn't show any more weakness before the other boy.
They came out anyway, only muffled: half screams, tiny cries, whimpering.
"Shh..." fingers in his hair, stroking so gently. "Let it out. You have to cry."
That's all it took for him to break. His body shook with the force of his sobs, until he couldn't stand it anymore, until his throat was raw from the misery.
"They hate me," he kept whispering, brokenly. "It hurts..."
Taichi rocked him gently. "I know..."
He could do nothing but cling to Taichi, the only solid thing in the mist.
"...I don't want to do this anymore...it's gone..."
"What's gone, Yama?"
The answer didn't come right away, but Taichi froze when it did.
"I wish I could be dead."
The blonde went on, his voice cracking from what could only be exhaustion. "It'll be easy. They wouldn't even care...maybe they'd be happy...TK..."
He looked up when Taichi gripped his shoulders suddenly, startled through his tears and dying sobs.
"I care. Have you ever thought about that, Yama?"
He shook his head a little, sadly. "How could you care?"
Was that a tear on Taichi's cheek? It couldn't be.
"I care more than you think, Yama." The other boy whispered, and Yamato was suddenly frightened, so frightened. He didn't want to hear Taichi's next sentence, but the other boy said it anyway.
"I love you."
OOOOOO
Idiot, moron, stupid, jerk.
There weren't enough names in the world for him to call himself. The moment the words left his mouth, he knew it was a mistake.
Yamato's pale, tear stained face stared back at him. The blue eyes were bright with denial.
"No," the blonde crawled away from him, along the cold, damp ground. "No. You can't do this to me. You can't. You can't."
He struggled weakly to his feet, wiping his cheeks and shaking his beautiful, golden head.
"I'm sorry," Taichi reached for him.
Yamato took several steps away from him. He was calm all of a sudden, too calm.
"I have to go home." The words were said so clearly, as if nothing had happened, as if Yamato had never cried. "Father's waiting for me."
He turned his back on Taichi and took a few more steps.
"Yama!"
Taichi ran forward, leapt off his feet. He held out his arms just in time to catch that delicate body as Yamato fainted.
"I'm sorry," he said again, his lips against Yamato's forehead.
He lifted the blonde carefully, tucking Yamato's head under his chin, and silently disappeared into the night.
OOOOOO
"He hated me for a long time after that night, as I knew he would. I had killed him all over again with three little words. In a flash everything he desired became selfish. For my sake and the sake of his honor he had to try to live. I proved him wrong when I was not cruel. To be loved by anyone for him was like the end of the world. And I loved him too much, for him to die."
- from The Soul of Yama, as was written by Yagami Taichi
OOOOOO
Rubisco. Is. An. Enzyme.