Title: Mental Anguish

Author: Lady Valmar

Genre: Angst

Rating: M

Archive: FF

Spoilers: None I can think of.

Summary: The gasp and quick escape, makes us both smile, through our lip lock. Tear stained faces against one another, hands entwined.

Warnings: Slash/Nonslash. Could go either way. Depends on your POV.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis or any of the characters, So stuff not owned by Stargate Atlantis is mine and therefore please ask and do not infringe nor steal my original themes, concepts, ideas or characters please.

... .LV. ...

Mental Anguish

By Lady Valmar

Song: I Love You Golden Blue by Sonic Youth

All day long I've had this tension it began as a dull ache and then it progressed into tightened muscles. Then it felt like I was being pulled down under the water. My limbs feel heavy. Weighted down.

My concentration keeps waning; I can't seem to get any work done.

So dull… I feel the pain inside, welling up in upper center of my chest, like someone has put a heavy bowl ball there, pushing me down.

I realize.

We had a fight.

Him and I.

Last evening…

The kind that leaves you weak before you go to sleep and the kind that slowly attacks you throughout the next day.

Liquid keeps leaking out of the corner of my eye, I feel the strain in my neck, and the tense muscles at my shoulders, the acid bubbling in my stomach.

I want desperately to let it out but I won't. Why do I do this to myself?

Hold it in. It's killing me. I know. No one seems to notice what's wrong. I like it that way. I just want everyone to go away. Why do they keep bothering me with greetings, and pestering me with their problems. Why? I just want it to end. All of it. But I can't…

The sky it's so mournful. It's pale purple making me feel the tears come again. I curse it as surely as I curse the situation I have tossed myself into.

I am trying not to think, not to act, not to breath.

There it is again. Just as it relents, the tightened circle in-between my ribs, it starts up again, like a flexing muscle. My head keeps throbbing just in the back above the hairline a few inches, right where my crown of skull meets back.

I feel like passing out, the tug of oblivion is just within my grasp. My eyelids keep drooping, I feel drugged. I want to release all of this emotion out.

But still I can't.

My mind keeps sending me conflicting statements. Telling me I should cry and then when I try, it stops me. Still the tears leak out and I sniffle my nose. Then the tension returns. It's an endless cycle.

I restrain, choke back with disgust, I refuse to give in. It is only weakness.

And it's only that!

'weakness'

My anguish, none will hear, I won't let them and they won't have to ask. If they do, I'll refute it and deny it until the bitter end.

No.

I'm Fine.

Even when I'm really not fine.

Nor will I be for a long time. This is the price I'm paying for saying things I should have never said.

He confronts me and I abate my pain, wanting only to suffer alone. He refuses to go, and stalls my hasty escape by blocking the entrance to my door with his frame.

I forgive him but I can't forgive myself. I tell him as much.

Then I try to push past him. He looks at me, I know he can tell I've been crying.

And he knows I don't lie well.

Still I front a lie, excusing my sniffles off as an allergy or a cold. He knows the lie but he doesn't offer any protest to it. Then he hears the heavy breathing and choking sounds. He asks me if it too is allergy or cold related.

I stifle the whimpering my mouth wants to let out and tell him I need some time.

To collect myself, to compose myself, to muffle my weakness back into the neat little box it should be in…

Like it always has…

His eyes are swollen, has he cried too?

He tells me he won't stop loving me, no matter what, and he doesn't care if I don't love him back.

I collapse in front of him, testament to the burden I've endured all day long. I tell him in a whisper, that I do love him.

Always will...

As I ride out the nausea and tension, I feel my sanity return. The color drained from my face returning too.

Throwing his arms around me, he holds me near, rocking me as I finally shudder. I don't say anything. Nothing comes out, except, slow breaths, then the the trickle of tears erupts. After a time, his head resting on mine, I feel the recedes of everything thrumming inside me ease out in a rush, bringing me the comfort that I need.

It's okay. I'm here. And I'm sorry. He tells me. And I feel his neck against my face. It's smooth crevice soaking with my salty tears.

I moan softly into his neck. I'm sorry.

It isn't your fault.

But it is.

He squeezes me tightly against his chest, Its not your fault. He won't let me go when I try to pull away, to see his face.

He's crying.

I freeze. I've never heard him cry. I don't think he even knows that he is. As his eyes finally meet mine, they're glazed.

We both said some things we didn't mean. He knows that and I know that. So we rest and finally he tells me, Let's never do this again to each other, it hurts too much. For you. For me.

I nod, unable to speak, and he stares deeply into my eyes.

I know were fine.

We both laugh lightly, then pull close to kiss. It's our way of making up. Or making out. Which ever works.

Then someone knocks at my door, we don't move except to taste each other's tongues. We don't even move when the door slides open.

The gasp and quick escape, makes us both smile, through our lip lock. Tear stained faces against one another, hands entwined.

As we pull from the embrace, I smile back at him, his hazel eyes meeting mine.

Then rather unlike me, shamelessly I say...

I have three words I need to ask you, "Let's have sex, Sheppard."

That's four.

Yeah I know.

A/N: I tried to make this POV based, for slashers and non-slashers alike. Hope you liked.