PROTECTIVE INSTINCTS part 10
And now...the conclusion.
Elizabeth Weir signed the last of the current reports on her desk, and made her way to the infirmary to check on Major Sheppard's team. She had called down earlier, But Dr. Beckett had been busy, and had only time to tell her that it looked like they had all been struck by Wraith stunner blasts. She had expressed surprise, the planet they had been visiting was supposed to have been uninhabited, but Carson told her he'd check in with her later, and had signed off.
Now she had a few minutes spare, she thought she'd wander down and find out how they all were. She found Carson at his desk, busy updating the medical records of SGA1, but no sign of any of the team.
"Aye, I sent them to their quarters on strict instructions to rest," said Beckett in response to her look of surprise. "It appears they were ambushed by the Wraith and had a hard time getting back to the gate, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait for a couple of hours for your mission de-brief."
"Very well, it can wait until the stunner effects have completely worn off. Were they all ok?"
Beckett knew as well as Elizabeth she was referring indirectly to Major Sheppard.
"As well as could be expected," was the non committal reply
Thoughtfully Elizabeth made her apologies, and left to return to the ever present paperwork. She was completely taken aback to see John Sheppard standing at ease in front of her desk.
"Major Sheppard," she said, "This is a pleasant surprise. I thought you were under instructions to rest?"
As soon as he was aware of her presence, Sheppard snapped to attention. Dr Weir felt a sense of foreboding, this wasn't going to be good. The man looked brittle enough to shatter where he stood. She made her way behind the desk, and sat down in the only comfortable chair she'd so far managed to find on Atlantis.
"At ease, Major," she said, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
Sheppard stayed rigidly in place. "Dr. Weir, ma'am," he began, "I'd like to tender my resignation, effective immediately."
For a moment, Elizabeth was stunned. This was the last thing she'd been prepared for, though in hindsight, maybe she should have seen it coming. She hesitated briefly, knowing this was going to take very careful handling.
"What will you do?" she asked eventually, stalling for time.
Still not making eye contact, still looking resolutely at a spot just above her left shoulder, Sheppard replied, "I thought I'd go to the mainland and offer my services to the Athosians, with your permission, of course." So carefully formal.
"You realise you'd be giving up flying?" she was desperately stalling, trying to buy time while she thought of what to do.
A shadow passed across John's features, but he merely replied, "Yes, ma'am."
"Sit down, John," she invited, softening her voice, "And we can talk about this."
"Thank you, I'd rather stand." The voice was icily controlled. She could see this was taking a huge effort.
"Have you really thought about this?"
"Yes, ma'am."
She paused, gathering her thoughts, making him sweat, then, "I am sorry Major Sheppard, but I cannot accept your resignation at this time. Perhaps if we survive the expected invasion from the Wraith, I will reconsider, but at this time there is no-one who could take your place." She too could be icily formal.
"Lieutenant Ford could-"
"Lieutenant Ford is an excellent junior officer, and I stress, junior. He needs the example of a good commanding officer to follow if he is to achieve his full potential."
"But he and Sergeant Bates-"
Again she cut him off sharply.
"Sergeant Bates has his hands full with base security. Now is not the time for him to be trying to fill someone else's position. One which, I might add, he has had no training for. I repeat. I cannot accept your resignation at this critical time for Atlantis," (or ever, she privately thought). "If at such time after we have defeated the Wraith we can contact Stargate command, then I will consider requesting a replacement. Until then, your duties will remain as they are now. You are dismissed."
Elizabeth sat at her own version of 'attention' until Major Sheppard, still rigidly straight, marched out of her office. Only then did she allow herself to relax. She tapped her earpiece. "Dr. Beckett?" she asked, "This is Dr. Weir, please come to my office, there is something we need to discuss."
oOo
John Sheppard strode from Elizabeth's office, mind whirling. Couldn't she see? Couldn't any of them understand? He wasn't fit to do this job, never had been. He hadn't asked for it, it had been thrust upon him, and he'd shown time and time again how unworthy he was. Look at the incident with the nanobots, he could have ended up infecting everyone. Look at the whole waking the Wraith thing, look at this last god-awful mess of a mission; look at- suddenly dizzy, he stumbled into a wall, heedless of the concerned glances of other staff members in the corridor. He simply wasn't aware of them.
He stayed there for a minute, the effects of the stunner blast having obviously not entirely gone, gathering his strength, but inside, his mind was still in turmoil. He just couldn't do this anymore. Swaying dizzily, he made his way back to his quarters. He needed peace, he needed a place to think.
But once in his room, it felt confining, the walls were pressing in. If only he could relax. He couldn't remember how long ago it was since the last time he'd had a decent nights sleep. All too often he'd wake up in a cold sweat, sheets tangled as memories of his nightmare, memories of Kolya taking over, faded slowly. Every night it was the same, sleep came easily enough, but it was filled with images of himself shooting Beckett in cold blood. Or Kolya doing to Elizabeth what he had always threatened to do while he stood by, and watched, helpless. Or Cowan slowly killing Rodney by radiation poisoning as he forced him to complete their 'super-weapon'. Yeah, the last time he'd had a good nights rest was when he'd been drugged to insensibility in the infirmary.
An idea began to germinate in his mind. Drugs. Drugs helped. Oh, not those piddling sedatives Dr. Biro had given him to begin with when he'd first started having nightmares, no, they only made it worse. Trapped him in his own mind so he couldn't wake from whatever evil deed he was doing at the time. Nope, he needed the really strong ones, but they were locked securely away, and he wasn't yet at the stage where he'd hold Beckett at gunpoint, but unbidden, images flashed into his mind as to when he had done just that. Shaken, he sat heavily on his bed, distractedly running a hand through his already dishevelled hair.
So, no drugs then. What else? Alcohol. He hadn't got blind stinking drunk since he couldn't remember when, though it had happened a fair few times after Afghanistan. He was aware enough to know he was standing at the top of a very slippery slope here, but God, something had to give and soon. If he couldn't get out of Atlantis, if he couldn't get away from doing a piss-poor job of ranking military officer, something had to give. So, alcohol it was then. And he knew just where to get it. Zelenka. The man had enough gut-rot stashed to poison half of Atlantis.
Now he had a plan, some of the steely determination returned. Find Zelenka, 'persuade' him to part with a generous amount of moonshine, find somewhere to hole up and get mind-numbingly pissed. And there was the hub of it. Mind-numbing. Just for a while. Just to stop it for a little while and get some peace. Without being exactly aware he was doing it, he strapped on his 9mm, and headed out the door.
oOo
Elizabeth and Beckett were in her office, discussing what, if anything could be done to help Major Sheppard get through this. It was obvious the man wasn't coping well with what he perceived as being his inability to protect Atlantis, though privately Elizabeth felt the Major's protective instincts were what had saved them all so far.
Carson sat back in the chair opposite Elizabeth, and absently rubbed at the recently healed wound in his chest, which still ached whenever he was stressed. Like now.
He was pondering where to go next with treating the Major; he had confessed to not being completely surprised that Sheppard had tried to resign.
"What can we do?" asked Elizabeth, obviously unsettled by the recent turn of events.
"I could try a course of anti-depressants," pondered Carson aloud, "But that's really only a short-term option. And I don't see Major Sheppard being happy about taking them."
They lapsed into silence, each trying to come up with a magical solution that would magically reverse the psychological damage done to the Major, when their earpieces crackled into life.
"Elizabeth? This is Rodney, I think you need to get down to Zelenka's lab straight away."
"Why? What has happened? Is Dr. Zelenka alright?"
"Just get down here, Elizabeth, and if Carson's still with you, bring him too."
"On my way." Both quickly exited Elizabeth's office and hurriedly made their way to Zelenka's lab.
When they arrived, Rodney was leaning against a wall, watching Zelenka pace. The scientist was muttering, "Hloupy…hloupy..az k brat tolik…proc ne spravedlivy ptatse?
"What happened?" asked Elizabeth.
"Is Dr. Zelenka alright?" Queried Beckett, watching the man pace.
Zelenka had caught sight of them. "Yes, yes, Zelenka is alright," he said tersely. "But Major Sheppard? I think not for long."
"Dr. Zelenka, please, what happened?" asked Elizabeth.
"Major Sheppard has taken some of my…er …private supply of vodka, too much, and has gone to the ground he says. If he drinks all that, then nemocny vule ba an ale jdete blizky…a hloupy proc JA pozadovat dotonce libit se… I mean, he will be very sick, and I will not be responsible.."
"Is that why you got me here, Rodney? For Major Sheppard?"
"Carson, the man is clearly not thinking straight. Of course, if you want him back in your infirmary with alcohol poisoning, then lets all leave him to it. On the other hand…"
"Ok, Ok, I get your point. We'd better find him, Elizabeth."
Dr.McKay produced a lifesigns detector. "Not that I think I'll need it," he said smugly, "I know where he usually goes if he wants to be left alone."
They found him exactly where Rodney said they would, outside on a balcony overlooking the sea, but not overlooked by anything else. As the door slid open, they could see him huddled in a corner, looking out to sea, absently swigging from the bottle held in his left hand. His right hand held his 9mm, loosely, but the fact that it was out of its holder was enough to fill Elizabeth with trepidation.
Carson evidently felt the same way as his sharply exclaimed "Major!" showed.
Major Sheppard languidly waved the hand holding the gun in their direction. Although from the looks of the empty containers beside him he'd drunk a fair amount, his voice was still clear. "Carson, Elizabeth, Rodney, come to join the party?" he held the half empty bottle up as if he was giving a toast, then took another drink.
"Major," said Carson calmly, "I think you've had enough, lad."
"No, I haven't," came the clear response. "Not nearly enough. Want some? Though you'll have to get your own, this is for me."
Elizabeth spoke up. "John, come inside. Put down the gun, and come on in. We're here to help, if you'll let us."
Sheppard gave a small, humourless laugh, then stood, swaying slightly. "Help?" he said, "How? What're you gonna do? Turn time back? Bring Sumner back from the dead?" He took another drink, watching them from the corner of his eye.
"Honestly," said Elizabeth, "I don't know. But drowning your woes in bad alcohol isn't going to help."
Sudden fury blazed in Sheppard's eyes, and Elizabeth took an involuntary step back. "How would you know?" he asked hissing out the question in alcohol fuelled rage. "Do you see Carson, Rodney, you, Hell, everybody dying every time you close your eyes because you weren't able to stop it? Do you? Do you know what it felt like to pull a gun on your friend and get ready to shoot him, and know you were going to do it, despite the fact you were screaming inside to stop? No? Then how do you know getting out of my mind drunk isn't going to help?" He turned, and looked out to sea, temporarily ignoring them.
Carson moved forwards to put a hand on Sheppard's shoulder in a gesture of support. Sheppard swung round faster than Beckett could have thought possible considering how much drink the man had in him, and brought the gun up, waving it in Beckett's general direction unsteadily. No-one said a thing, the silence heavy as Sheppard came to realise what he had just done. He dropped the gun as if it was red hot, and regarded Beckett with stricken eyes.
"God! Carson, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just- I just can't stop it. It plays over and over again, and most times I end up shooting you! I'm just-its just-" he wavered, and sank to the floor, pulling himself into a corner as tightly as he could, wrapping his arms around his legs, as if trying to hold himself together, which maybe he was. Carson knelt down beside him, kicking the gun towards Elizabeth and Rodney, out of harms way.
"Its alright, lad," he said gently, pulling the Major towards him in a comforting hug. "No-one here holds anything against you, you weren't in control of yourself at the time."
And then, as if a damn had burst, it all came out, all the fear and uncertainties, the indignity, the treatment he'd received at the hands of the Suventans, the feeling as if he was losing his mind, his self and not being able to do a thing to stop it, or control it, having everything that made him John Sheppard shredded, torn and taken away from him.
In a halting voice, under Carson's gentle prompting, he told them the story of what had gone on, what he'd been through. He told them of the cold water tank, the hot room, the beatings. He told them of how he'd thought they were going to operate on him while he was awake. He told them about fighting off the amorous attentions of a prison guard, and how afterwards all the guards 'friends' had come and taken their frustrations out on him with their fists. He ignored the horrified glances each was giving the other, took a fortifying drink, and carried on. He told them of how Kolya had 'visited' several times, and had spent a while listing everything he was going to have Sheppard do once he was under genii control. His voice wavered several times, but he carried on relentlessly, telling them of how Councillor Jaq'an had shown him off to visitors from other planets, as if he was a prize piece of beef, the sleep deprivation, lack of food, drugged water, and being denied the basics of daily living, the humiliation of having to perform his most basic functions in front of an audience, how they had tried to strip away his basic humanity, of having Kolya in his head all the fucking time. His voice, monotone through the whole appalling tale gradually faltered to a halt.
Rodney and Elizabeth stood well back, and let the words wash over them with a sense of horror. They had no idea it had been so bad. And finally when it was all out, and Sheppard, the strongest man they knew sat holding onto Beckett like a lost and lonely child, they finally understood.
oOo
A few hours later, Carson came to Ford, Teyla, Rodney and Elizabeth as they waited just outside the infirmary for news of the Major. His face was more relaxed than it had been for a while. He took in their questioning faces, and allowed himself a relieved smile.
"He's sleeping like a baby, though I've no doubt he's going to wish he'd never heard of Zelenka's brew when he wakes up."
"Will he be ok?" asked Rodney worriedly. It had shaken him to see the Major lose it like that.
"Well, it's not going to be an easy road, and he's going to need some space, and understanding from all of us, but yes, given time I think he'll be back to his old self."
"Then we must make him understand that he does not have to be alone," said Teyla pragmatically. "Are we allowed to visit?"
"Aye, for a few minutes, but mind, no waking him up. I suspect this is the first time he's slept this peacefully in a long time."
Sheppard's team quietly entered the infirmary, feeling more hopeful than they had for a while.
oOo
EPILOGUE
The warning klaxons sounded, and the wormhole whooshed into life. Elizabeth Weir stood at the balcony, her posture reflecting a calm she didn't feel. This was the first time Major Sheppard's team had gone through the gate since his…well since his breakdown. And now they were due back, and miracle of miracles, they were on time.
She watched, feeling a weight lift from her shoulders as they stepped through, Rodney and the Major arguing good-naturedly about something, while Teyla and Ford looked on in a long suffering manner. Sheppard caught sight of her, and smiled up at her, and she knew that things were just about back to normal.
THE END
And thats it. I hope I got the Czech right.