Chapter 4 – Sucking up where you peed

"Hi, there beautiful, got your knight in the shining armour back for you."

"Hermione."

"Harry."

"Now, guys, I know you're past kindergarten but least you could do is apologise to each other. This name-acknowledging reminds me too strongly of Percy and my father. Only words they exchange is a sour acid 'Percy' matched by an equally dry-as-a-bone arctic 'Father'."

"Look, to clear things out once and for all. I didn't come back here to fight over Snape. Hermione is free to believe that Snape is a misunderstood St. Francis of Assisi, a disorientated reincarnation of Maria Teresa or whatever she so chooses. As long as she doesn't try to convince me, I can wave it aside."

"Oh, Harry! Are you sure, you can grant me that much generosity of spirit? I wouldn't want to take advantage of your kindness."

"Guys! Knock it off already!"

"Why Ron? One-dimensional assessments are always the most reliable crutch for stranded wizards. Aren't they dear Harry?"

"Comparing to those refusing to let the scales fall from their eyes, Hermione darling?"

"Can I cut this witty retorts contest of yours short? We have work to do."

"Of course. We have Snape to hunt down. Malfoy to submit to medieval tortures. Revenge to seek. How did I ever forget?"

"Easily enough. You never lost anyone you loved. The only understanding you have of the word 'revenge' is how to properly spell it. Same goes to the majority of your vocabulary. Words like alliance, trust and betrayal seem to have the exact opposite meaning to you. Not to mention the meaning of the phrase cold blood murder."

"O.K. guys. No snappy comebacks for the next 10 minutes. Think you can manage? Harry?"

"Yeah."

"Hermione?"

"Fine."

"Nice. Now, Hermione here believes, there might be a chance Dumbledore asked Snape to kill him rather than blow his cover…"

"Did he also ask him to become a Death Eater and kill my parents?"

"She also believes Malfoy was about to give in."

"I'm about to give in to the temptation of killing you every morning you wake me up by throwing quaffles to my bedroom's door. But I don't."

"Harry, on the other hand believes that intentions don't count as evidence of innocence and that I should rather sing him a lullaby when he doesn't get his lazy arse out of bed at 10 in the morning."

"Try knocking on the door like a normal wizard."

"The wood will wear thin in a week and my fingers will grow calluses. Now back to where we were, Hermione also thinks that next time you come across Snape or Malfoy junior, you give them a descent chance of revealing themselves before throwing any curses their way."

"You got me lost on that last one."

"Kill first, ask questions later? Favourite practice of yours? Don't do it. There's a chance they're on our side."

"Hermione, don't help! I'll do the explaining. Your part is non-verbal during act number III."

"So sorry. Thought we were still rehearsing number II."

"Smartass. Now, Harry, I don't mean you risk your life. Just give them a head warning. It might not turn against us after all."

"It surely didn't in Dumbledore's case. He's just six feet under, warm and cosy with no worries puzzling his brain."

"He got lucky. He doesn't have to fight you-know-who any more. You on the other hand, do us a favour and just keep it at the back of your mind."

"I don't get it, Ron. How did she fast-talk you into this…balderdash? Were there any sexual favours involved? Because I am surely not equipped with the means for a countstrike."

"You still have a mouth Harry, but it's usually too busy vomiting insults to be occupied with anything more productive."

"Hermione don't forget yourself and swallow your saliva. You'll get yourself poisoned."

"Guys, you promised to keep it civilised. Harry, there were no sexual favours involved. Hermione, I wouldn't mind the least if there were, so keep it in mind if you ever run out of arguments. And once more, once again, both your theories are logical, well founded and stand equal chances to mirror the reality. To me they're totally absurd, but that's another story altogether."

"Oh, so you have a better one?"

"I wouldn't go as far as calling it better, but it's at least a more down-to-earth one."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Look. Snape doesn't strike me as the saint in disguise guy. And past experience has proven that he's not totally evil either. If I was to take a wild guess I'd say he plays both sides and waits for the winner to side up with. He's way too smart to take sides and arrogant enough to believe that even at the very last minute he'll be able to abandon ship and emerge victorious."

"That's pure wickedness."

"That's pure Snape."

"That's pure me finally managing to get both your attention…"