Mutant Enemy Television, Inc. owns pretty much everything within the Angel/Buffy universe. My use is in no way meant to challenge any established copyrights. This piece is not intended for any profit on the part of the writer, nor is it meant to detract from the commercial viability of the aforementioned or any other copyright. Any similarity to any events or persons, either real or fictional, is unintended.

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X – The Truth Can Hurt

"If I ask you something, will you be honest with me?" Janna asked. Xander looked at his Slayer and knew that something was wrong. Not that he needed his eye to tell him that – her voice clearly conveyed that message all by itself.

"Yes," Xander said, trying not to betray how uneasy he felt. Being a Watcher was one of the most demanding vocations one could undertake, and in no small way was the difficulty tied into the issue of honesty. There would be times when holding back a small piece of information might keep a Slayer alive, and who was to say that omitting the truth was necessarily a lie? There would also be times when he would have to be brutally forthright, knowing even as he spoke that he was tearing out his charge's heart; was such a display of honesty a virtue? He had addressed this very issue with Giles, remembering the betrayal Buffy had felt when her own Watcher had participated in the Council's traditional test when she turned eighteen. At the time, Xander had felt the betrayal almost as strongly as Buffy had, but as years brought more experience and wisdom, he had to admit that he might have done just as Giles did. In so many ways the easiest part of this job is jumping into the fray with the Slayer, just like I always did with Buffy. Just like Giles did when he had to, whether the Council approved of his direct involvement or not. The tough part is living what happens between the pages of the journals detailing a Slayer's battles.

"This is never gonna end, is it?" Janna asked. The heartbroken tone of her voice was almost enough to bring tears to Xander's eyes. He had been surprised that Janna had taken up her calling so easily, showing far less resistance than many others had. There were a few confused questions, but then she dove headlong into her new life. But now she's had a little time to think. It's starting to occur to her that the future she's been planning for her entire life will never come… and how the hell do I even begin to sugarcoat this?

"What do you mean?" Xander asked, hoping that his suspicions were wrong, that maybe she was asking about studying for a test or agonizing over her latest crush. Those are the kind of things she should be thinking about. I never realized how unfair this all was to Buffy… and to me, too, I guess. We all gave up a lot to do this, and now Janna has to, too. At least Willow and I had a choice; the Slayers have no say in the matter.

"I'm a Slayer until I die, aren't I?"

"Yes," Xander replied evenly, hoping he would somehow feel better once the truth was out there. But now he felt even worse.

"So I don't have a life of my own anymore, and everything I've ever done means nothing now, doesn't it?"

"It means everything," Xander said quickly, suddenly realizing just how despondent his charge had become. "Everything you've ever done has made you the person you are."

"No, everything I've ever done made me the person I was up until that spell," she shot back, the last two words spoken like a curse. "Get a good night's sleep, Janna. Do your homework, Janna. Eat your vitamins and say your prayers, Janna. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Don't let your boyfriend take advantage of you… as if I'm ever gonna have a boyfriend again, anyway. Don't speed. Don't daydream. Don't do a goddamn thing that could ever jeopardize your future. And you know what, Xander?" He shook his head, not risking saying the wrong thing. Years of friendship with Buffy and Willow had taught him when he was supposed to just shut up and listen, and this was one of those times. "I'll tell you what," she continued. "It doesn't mean anything now. I'm never gonna go to college. Hell, the way things are going I'd be surprised if I lived until I got out of high school."

Xander almost interrupted with the canned, well-rehearsed assurances he had always heard from Giles whenever Buffy got down on life, but he reminded himself that this was not the time. Let her vent, he told himself.

"I've lost all but one or two friends, the guys in the school think I'm a nut, and my grades keep slipping because I'm up half the night hunting vampires and werewolves. I guess it's actually not as bad as it was before you got here," she admitted, bringing a momentary smile to Xander's face. "My grades were really tanking then, and I was so confused about everything that I felt like the entire world was spinning out of control. Oh, and now one guy seems interested, but he's about as popular as a cop at a high-school kegger. So at least I have a bit of a handle on things, but it's not like I can change any of it. I'm gonna keep learning about vampires, and werewolves, and assorted demons, and apocalypses… is that a real world? I mean, what is the plural of apocalypse, anyway?"

"Life," Xander replied, only half-jokingly. "You want me to be honest?"

"Yes," she answered. Xander hoped that she had finished her tirade, that she was ready to hear the wisdom of someone all of six or seven years older than she was.

"Truth is that life sucks in lots of ways, Janna. It doesn't matter if you're the… sorry, a Slayer, the class valedictorian, the captain of the football team, or whether you're the sub-par child of a disinterested, mousy mother and an abusive, alcoholic father. You're a teenager, and you're in high school. Ergo, life sucks. Sure, you probably won't get to go to college, get married, have 2.3 kids, a dog, and a minivan. And you know what, there are plenty of other kids in your school who'll never have that, either. Maybe they weren't gifted with your intelligence, so they'll never have the chances you had. Or maybe someone's parents will die prematurely, and he'll have to give up college to take care of a younger brother or sister. Life hardly ever works out the way we planned it when we were sixteen, and you know what?"

"What?" Janna asked, almost challengingly.

"You wouldn't want it to." Janna gave him a puzzled stare, so he continued. "When I was sixteen, I thought I had a firm handle on things. I knew my lot in life wasn't what some others had, but I was amazed at how much I'd grown up between the ages of thirteen and sixteen. I was ready to take on the world, never realizing that between sixteen and eighteen I would change even more than I had between thirteen and sixteen. Or that by the time I was twenty-one I would be a completely different person than I'd ever dreamt of being.

"So yes, Janna, everything you've ever dreamed may be lost, but the good news is that you likely would have given up on all that stuff eventually, anyway. The shame of it all is that you never got the chance to make that decision for yourself, and for that I'm sorry."

"I know."

"There are only two things I can do now. I hope you know I'll do everything I can to keep you alive." She nodded. "Good, then let's get back to training."

"What's the other thing?" she asked.

"Huh?"

"You said there were two things you could do," she explained, "and one of them is that you'll do what you can to keep me alive. What's the other thing?"

"I can get you some ice cream if you have a good session," he said with a smile. Janna grinned; it was a somewhat empty grin, devoid of true happiness, but it demonstrated that Janna was at least trying to feel better. Xander knew that he had helped lift her mood a little bit for the time being, but she was in the throes of full-blown teen angst. Only time could make that better. And it's my job to make sure she gets all the time in the world to feel as good about life as possible. Although… "So what was that you said about a guy being interested?"

To be continued………………………………………