The Stench of Discovery

This chapter is Dedicated to Sacre Bleu, who mostly thought up this idea...I wrote it though! So there! And I'm also dedicating it to her because if I don't then she'll maim and/or dismember me...

I first noticed it a few nights ago when we were all sitting down for dinner. Kyo came in and took a deep breath. I assumed he was merely inhaling the wonderful aroma of the equally wonderful dinner our flower prepared for us. It didn't even occur to me that to think he was sniffing our flower—even though she was right there.

And then Yuki came in and made some sort of insult to Kyo, who managed to hold his temper—barely. I was proud. Our little baby—all grown up!

Then Yuki took a deep breath and started making weird faces. He looked faintly sick all through dinner, and it seemed to me like he was trying all together too hard not to breathe in through his nose.

I thought nothing of it until a week later, when I just happened to pop into Tohru-kun's bathroom on a completely random stroll through the house while the boys and flower were conveniently at school. I do have a knack for coincidences like that, don't I?

But I happened to notice her bottle of scented body wash was almost empty, which was unusual because she had only bought it last week. And Tohru-kun isn't one to waste things. While I was leaving, I accidentally looked over into her trashcan—there were two empty deodorant sticks in there.

'How odd!' I thought to myself. I decided to check her medicine cabinet on a hunch. Sure enough—there was a half-empty bottle of perfume in there. It seemed our flower was suddenly concerned with her personal smell...suddenly I became very interested in her personal smell as well.

Telling myself I was only investigating, I sprayed it a few times into the air.

I nearly passed out, it was so strong! It was a foul, nasty, cloying odor that hung around in the air long after I had chucked the bottle back in the medicine cabinet and slammed the door shut.

My eyes watering, I pulled a corner of my kimono up to shield my delicate nose and cautiously opened the cabinet door again. I picked up the bottle and examined it.

'Fresh Hyacinth—the scent never fades!' it said. The bottle itself was plastic, cheap and tacky. I threw it in the wastebasket hastily and scurried from the room, lest I die from intoxication.

Soon I was safely ensconced in my office with a freshly lit cigarette and my books around me. I felt much calmer and was able to turn my mind to more important matters.

It occurred to me that the only reason Tohru-kun must have had that horrible mixture was because she couldn't afford anything better.

I decided to buy her some decent perfume for her next birthday. Something light and flowery and...alluring, perhaps?

A sudden vision of Yuki's and Kyo's murderous faces caused me to twitch involuntarily. I let the matter go.

But it didn't end there! Two days later, Kazuma-dono came round for dinner, and I swear, every time he passed Kyo his nostrils flared, as if he were unobtrusively trying to smell something that he couldn't quite get a fix on. Most unusual.

I said nothing, however, and retired to my study soon after.

Where I spent the next day-and-a-half thinking about these strange happenings, er, happening in my household.

I ended up pacing back and forth, frustrated that I could not figure out what was going on in the noses of my family and Tohru-kun.

Then a thought struck me.

"I wonder..." I said aloud. I rushed quickly from the room, eager to have my suspicion confirmed.

The first person I encountered was Kyo-kun.

"Kyo-chan!" I cried, running towards him. "Let me smell you!"

The look on Kyo's face was priceless, but in retrospect I suppose it wasn't one of my better ideas.

Next was Yuki-kun. He walked into the living room to see what Kyo was yelling about.

"What is Kyo yelling about now?" he asked, looking annoyed. I escaped Kyo and dashed over to him.

"Yuki-kun! I must smell you!"

This time the pain was worth it. Yuki went from white to red to purple in a matter of seconds. Shock, suspicion, and guilt played over his face, confirming my guess.

Tohru-kun pattered into the room, wiping her hands on a dish towel and looking worried.

"What's wrong!" she cried

"Tohru-kun!" I leapt towards her and grasped her hands.

"Tohru-kun! There is a very serious experiment I need your help in! Will you help me?"

"E-experiment? H-help you? Shigure-san, I don't...um...?" She is so cute when she's confused.

"Please help me! I can't do it without you!"

"O-okay, Shigure-san! I'll...um...try!"

"Tohru-kun," I said seriously, leaning towards her. "I need to smell you."

I didn't get to though, because at that moment Yuki and Kyo caught up (Really, they can be so slow...), and I had to run for my life.

It was worth it though.

I shut myself in my office, grinning like a fool.

I felt like I had accomplished a lot today. I had succeeded in annoying both Yuki AND Kyo; I had managed to get closer to Tohru-kun, that adorably delicious morsel, than I had been able to in ages, and I had figured out the big deal with noses and breathing was.

Kazuma-dono had been smelling Kyo! Yuki and Kyo were smelling Tohru-kun! It made so much sense! And...maybe not just her! Were they perhaps smelling each other? Oh, the possibilities!

I sat down in my chair, still smiling. I couldn't wait to tell everyone I knew about it.

I had picked up the phone to call Aaya when another thought struck me.

"What do I smell like?" I wondered aloud. I put the phone down and tentatively lifted an arm above my head.

I sniffed my armpit and nearly fell over.

"Whew! God, I smell like I need a shower!"

Fin

Author's notes: This is the funny chapter I promised. I felt we needed a comedic relief after the angst of the previous two chapters. Hmm...I get the feeling I've already mentioned that already.

Oh well! This—The Stench of Discovery—was another one thought up by me and my friend. The same friend who helped me think up Body Odor, in fact, and I feel I can now reveal that friend to be none other than...Sacre Bleu! Yes! It is she and no one else that I must dedicate this chapter to! See dedication at the top.

In reality, I said something like..."I wonder what Shigure would do if he found out everyone was smelling each other?" and she said something like "What if they tried to smell themselves?" and then I said, "Shigure would say... "Hm...I wonder what I smell like?' and then he would tentatively raise his arms above his head and smell his armpits and go 'Whew! I need a shower!' Or something like that."

Again, one of those things you had to be there for...and it was funnier the first time I said it. But anyway! Next chapter will be sweet and cute and fluffy, I solemnly swear! You'll see.

So...review if you liked it and review if you didn't! Or if you just have something to say. I like to review other people's stories because when you read a fic—whether you like it or not—I feel you have a duty to review it, let the person know what you thought or how to improve. That's what is all about right? Reading fics, yes, but also being able to post them and have other readers/writers give you their opinions on them.

Thus:

Read? Review!

Audley Also Needs a Shower...