The door behind him opened and Tetheus walked in. His mouth dropped open and he froze in place, still holding the open door. As a girl with a name-tag reading "Panda-chan" rushed forward, he stepped back and pulled the door behind him. Panda-chan stuck her foot in the door, reached through and grabbed him. "Hello, you're here! Do you like pie?" she gushed, before there was a loud popping noise and her face twisted into a scornful pout. "Do you like the souls of babies?" There was another pop and her eyes lit up and she smiled lightly and easily. "Would you like baby soul pie?"
Tetheus struggled with the door, but couldn't get it free of her and gave up. "I eat pie, but I prefer raw food where possible. Although I'm fairly powerful, I haven't discovered a way to consume souls, even the souls of children, although it is fun to torment them as they die." He coughed, quickly. "Not that I do that anymore..."
Panda-chan was pushed out of the way by another girl in an artist's smock - some of the paint on the edges was still damp and Tetheus was careful not to brush against it when she dragged him inside and locked Panda-chan out. "Sorry about that," she said. "Panda's a bit, well, she's a lot, that's the problem. We've formed a pool, but everyone's been knocked out already." She shook her head. "No one was even close and she's still going; new personality every five minutes."
"Where's Nicole?" Tetheus asked, scanning the room.
"She was last seen laughing maniacally and charging a monster in Misty Valley," answered the girl. She pushed Tetheus onto a chair and he blinked in the fierce light caused by the candles on the dresser. The chocolate bar was sweating. A brown drop dribbled down it and Teddy-chan whimpered, her arm shaking so hard that Ojos-san couldn't see himself clearly.
"Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
"Ah," said the girl, fumbling in her pockets, while Fish-chan wrestled with the make-up bag. "I'm Polor Bear and we've finally gotten permission from the Dragonlord to film in the castle."
"Why my room?" hissed Tetheus.
"Well, it's the perfect place, isn't it? Your home, your castle, your refuge. A look into the real Tetheus."
He lowered his head. This is exactly why I don't..."
There was a loud crash. Polor tried to stand between a furiously blushing Ojos-san and Tetheus. Tetheus glowered and thumped the dresser. The chocolate bar jumped and landed into an open drawer. Teddy-chan threw the mirror at Ojos-san and dived forward. She yanked the drawer further open and rescued the chocolate bar. Peering inside, she furrowed her brow.
"Do you dye your hair?" she asked.
"Just because my siblings both have blonde hair and there are suspicious stains on my towels do not mean that I also have blonde hair. Everyone knows that scary demons have dark hair. Everyone. And I'm a really scary demon."
Fish-chan grabbed Tetheus's chin and pulled it toward her while he spoke. She pulled out a hot pink lipstick and applied it carefully to his lips. "Maybe not," she said, before wiping it off and sweeping blusher across his cheeks.
Tetheus sighed. "Who's interviewing me then?" he asked.
Polor Bear smiled and pulled the smiling Ojos-san closer. "This is Ojos-san. He's your interviewer this time around."
"Hi," mumbled Tetheus, while various brushes poked his eyelids.
"Can we do the interview on the bed?" asked Ojos-san. "I think the black silk will look great on camera." Goldy-chan and Burbs-chan nodded madly. They each held a camcorder and raced around, searching for the best angle on the bed. Goldy-chan found it first, but Burbs-chan pushed her aside and they started kicking each other, carefully shielding their cameras from the battle.
"Leave it out!" shouted Fish-chan, releasing Tetheus and striding over to her sisters.
The Black Dragon Officer put his head in his hands and then rubbed the back of his neck. "No. You can't interview me on the bed. We can do it on the couch."
Polor Bear and Ojos-san griped, but eventually agreed and they moved to the sitting area of Tetheus's refuge. Ojos-san plopped himself onto the couch and lounged backwards. Tetheus seated himself stiffly, breathed deeply three times and then settled into a more comfortable position.
"Three, two, one, action!"
"This is Ojos-san, stepping into the breach and talking to Tetheus in his very own room," he gasped, rubbing his knees in excitement. "Thank you for letting us into your sanctuary, Tetheus."
"It's my pleasure," said Tetheus in return. "Thank you for letting yourselves in and looking through my stuff before ambushing me with the camera."
Ojos-san adjusted his glasses and laughed weakly. "Let's start off with the phones. Hello, caller. You're talking to Tetheus"
"Hello?" echoed the phone-caller. "Have I gotten through? It's Old Fiat again. You didn't answer my question last time."
"Your voice sounds different," Tetheus said, leaning forward and narrowing his eyes.
"No, no, this is Old Fiat and I want to ask Morpheus something." The line crackled. "Does Shyrendora have implants?"
"Look," said Tetheus. "The last time I saw the girl, I couldn't count. She was only a child and I have no idea if she's developed an interest in horticulture since then. Maybe you should find her and ask her." He sat up and lost the suspicious glare. "Get an address if you do. I'd like to catch up, find out how they've gotten on, that sort of thing."
"Sorry we couldn't help," said Ojos-san, with a fake grimace. "This is a Question and Answer series for Tetheus and he doesn't know everything. Remember the phone number if you do track Shyrendora down. It'd be great if we could arrange a reunion for these guys."
"Please do," muttered Tetheus.
"Next on the line should be Kawala-kun. Kawala-kun? Are you there?"
"I'm here. Hi Tetheus."
"Hello, Kawala," replied Tetheus with a wave.
"Tetheus-kun, what's your favourite movie?"
"Favourite movie?" asked Tetheus. "What's a movie?"
"It's a story that's filmed with cameras like these," replied Ojos-san, gesturing towards Burbs and Goldy Chan.
"Ah, well, my favourite story is Red Riding Hood; the original version, where they all die and the wolf goes home with a full belly."
"Can you read?" Kawala-kun asked.
"Of course," said Tetheus. "I've had a long time to learn and to be quite honest, I'd be really bored if I hadn't learned how." He turned to Ojos-san and nudged him. "I read some of the penny dreadfuls. They're the right size to fit neatly behind a report that I can pretend to consult while Alfeegi's waffling on. They're utter tripe, but entertaining."
"Thanks for your questions, Kawala-kun," yapped Ojos-san, waving her goodbye. "Next..."
There was an ear-splitting shriek as feedback filled the room. Polor Bear fussed around with the box she was standing beside and it cut out. She gestured to Ojos-san and he swallowed.
"There seems to be a problem with the phones," he said. "So I'll just ask you some of the questions that I've prepared." He shuffled a sheaf of papers. Reading them upside down, Tetheus noticed that the papers were blank. "So, what do you think about Kitchel?"
"Who's Kitchel? Oh, the other thief the lord hired. She seems a bit excitable and quite ready to take advantage of anyone that she comes across. I'd say that she's completely mercenary and I've no idea how the Dragonlord managed to tame her." He snorted then and pointed at himself. "Although, he does have a talent for reforming the unreformable."
"Do you think she likes you?"
He frowned. "How can you tell something like that? She's complimented me and tried to butter me up, but I'm fairly sure that she wanted a buff bodyguard. I don't think that she was looking for anything romantic."
Ojos-san pulled his leg up and across his thigh. He nodded. "Do you find her annoying?"
Tetheus sighed. "She has a lot of energy. She's like all humans - trying to fit a lot into a tiny life. It'd be more annoying if she suddenly had a life-span like Thatz. At least with Kitchel I know that she'll grow old and slow. Thatz and Rath have at least another thousand years before they slow down."
"Do you think that Thatz likes Kitchel and if so, do you feel awkward, cos I think that she fancies you?"
"The cosmic dance of human love is always entertaining, but unfortunately, if Thatz does like Kitchel, then it'll end in heartbreak. She'll die bitter and Thatz will only have ten or twenty years before she grows old and wrinkled and gets paranoid about him desiring younger women." He steepled his hands. "I don't know if she does have a crush on me, but I'm used to it and don't get embarrassed over these things." He ran his fingers through his hair and then rubbed them on the couch to clean the grease off.
His interviewer turned to the camera with a frozen grin and shuffled the papers again. A hand appeared over the shoulder and dropped an extra page onto his lap. Minutes later, Polor Bear crawled out from behind the sofa.
"Hey," Ojos-san said, while stealthily adding the new page to the pile in his hand. "How do you know that Alfeegi only has one testicle?"
"Oh," replied Tetheus, rubbing his nose. "If he gets drunk enough, then he shows it to everyone."
"Really? Ah um... What do you like in a girl?"
Tetheus perked up. "I do like Raseleane, but you shouldn't assume that she fits a type that I've plucked out of the air. It's the person inside that matters, that flicks the switches in my heart. Deciding on girls with long, brown, curly hair, just cuts out a whole bunch of amazing people that could make you feel really good about yourself." He smiled wistfully and stretched his arms across the back of the couch. "What's important to me is that a girl has a sense of herself. I don't want to validate her; she should be strong enough to live without me, or to kick my ass if I'm being unreasonable. Someone who's true to themselves and who thinks that they're a cool person is the sort of person that intrigues me and that I want to find out more about."
"So looks aren't important to you?"
He reached out his hand and wobbled it in the air. "There are plenty of pretty faces for me to look at and not too many of them look past my face to the bundle of contradictions and stupidities inside."
"Do you like science?" Ojos-san asked, reading from the paper in front of him.
"Alchemy is an unprecise art and I don't trust it too much," replied Tetheus. "Anyone who spends much time breathing mercury turns a little funny."
Ojos-san nodded. The door burst open and Muse-chan raced in.
"I've finished it! I've finished it!" she yelled. Fish-chan, Polor Bear and a giggling Panda-chan, who'd snuck in behind her, put their fingers to their lips and made frantic, cutting gestures, but Fish-chan ignored them until she'd almost reached the couch. She turned, just as she came into shot, gasped, then tripped and fell over Ojos-san's legs and into his lap. She waved a sheet of paper in his face. He grabbed it and introduced her.
"Say hello to Muse-chan, everyone."
"HELLO!" chorused the crew, as she ran off with her face red.
"Tetheus!" said Ojos-san, snapping back to his interviewee, who picked some fluff off his trousers. "What kind of demon are you?"
"They haven't classified us, I'm afraid. I'm a scary demon. Is that enough of a description for you?"
"Then how do you just appear behind people?"
"It takes a little stealth and a lot of of practice." He smiled. "Wearing black helps. It'd be much harder if I were bright red all the time."
"Do you have a surname?"
"No. I'm the only Tetheus in the castle, so I don't need a nickname. Naturally, I've no family name."
"There's a rumour that you like to wear women's clothing."
Tetheus said nothing and picked more fluff from his jacket. "I'm glad it's just a rumour then and that there's no substance to it."
"Do you like sports?"
"I enjoy fun like everyone does."
"Not sport, sports," Ojos-san pointed out. "Like em, running, or ball games, or martial arts."
"Practise with the blade is a necessity for someone of my position," Tetheus said, placing his hand on his chest. "There is a purity in the blade that frees the mind and eases the stress of life. I wouldn't be the calm and stable person that I am without the sudden bursts of violence that sports allow me."
"Do you sleep?"
"I have a bed," he replied, gesturing towards the four poster at the other end of the room. "What else would I do with it?"
From behind the cameras, Polor Bear started making circles with her index finger.
"It looks like we've run out of time," said Ojos-san, putting his notes aside. "Thank you very much for answering our questions, Tetheus."
"You're most welcome," he replied with a big smile. "Now get out."
"Tune in next time for more Tetheus: Questions and Answers."
Please if you review, describe yourself in two words. Tetheus might not answer every question you ask, so if there's something you really want to know, don't ask too many questions at the same time.