Author's Note: This is a bit of a joke that I wrote with the help of a friend. We thought that Faramir was skilled at different languages, and wondered just what languages he could speak.
Trying to think of as many as possible, and writing a story on each. Some languages will be from Lord of the Ring, some will not, but we will name them and where they come from. So Have no fear
Portuguese here, and we are counting on the fact that many strange things cross the ocean. The create with the Portuguese things was brought by ship, from a foreign land, and brought to the king. Thus a Portuguese crate wounds up in Minas Tirith, and King Aragorn and King Eomer is very confused because of it. I hope you shall enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Ring, I only borrow parts of it and shall return them as soon as I am done. Completely undamaged, as I am certain it will be impossible to see where we glued the pieces back together.
Portuguese Surprise
Aragorn and Eomer stood watching the crate. They had been doing that for some time now. Ever since the crate had been delivered to be precise. Eomer was dropping by for a visit as he did ever so often. This particularly time Aragorn appreciated the company as his Steward was away in Ithilien for a few days. He would return shortly, but no one knew exactly which day.
Eomer looked over the crate again. "The label clearly states that it is a gift to the King of Gondor." He stated. "It is definately for you Aragorn."
"But the label does not say who it is from." Aragorn pointed out.
"Part of the label is missing." Eomer shrugged. "It's probably written there."
"Which means I do not know who sent it no matter if it was written on the label or not. We do not know what's inside." Aragorn eyed it spuriously.
"That is why you open it." Eomer declared. "To find out what is inside. Look at it this way. There should be a letter inside."
"You have a point my friend, a rather good point." Aragorn nodded and moved to open it. "If it is something nasty we can always shut the lid again."
"A wise decision." Eomer agreed and moved closer the better to see. "I knew you would come to it even if it took time."
Aragorn pried of the lid and peeked inside. "It's a lot of straw in here." He noted. "I'm guessing that whatever it is has been packed in the straw, so that rules out a few of the nastier things it could be."
"Let's take it inside so we can go though it and see what it is." Eomer suggested.
It was not a very big crate and thus Eomer hefted it easily and carried it to Aragorn's study. They put it on a corner of the desk.
Eomer lifted out two bottles with a golden brown liquid in them. "I think that we've found some alcohol." He declared cheerfully.
Aragorn fished out a basket of some golden yellow fruit that was round, and yet pointy at the ends. There were also some well wrapped sausages and what looked to be even more well wrapped cheese.
"Ah, here we are." Eomer handed Aragorn a folded paper. "That should tell you who it is from."
Aragorn unfolded it and studied it briefly. "I think it does, a shame that I have no idea of what it says." He frowned. "I have never seen this language before Eomer."
"Let me see." Eomer took the paper. He had never seen anything like it before either.
"T'is a shame that Faramir is not here." Aragorn sighed. "He should at least be able to tell us what kind of language it is."
"It's annoying with all those weird tongues he can speak." Eomer shrugged uneasily. "Should not be possible to know so many."
"He has a talent for it." Aragorn laughed. "And he claims that Ithilien was rather boring. Still, it would have been good to have him here now. Hopefully he would be able to read that letter."
"We don't need the letter." Eomer grinned confidently. "At least not for now. This is a fruit right." He hefted one of the yellow fruits in his hand. "We both know what one does with fruits. What do we need the letter for. We don't even know if it says anything more than who sent it."
"It is a fruit, aye. But I would like to know more about it than that it is a fruit. You are more than welcome to it though." He gestured at the yellow fruit. "We don't even know if it's supposed to be yellow or if it's not ripe yet." He pointed out.
Eomer probed it gently with his finger. "Feels ripe enough. What do you say we try it?" He grinned at Aragorn and there was a twinkle in his eyes.
"You go ahead." Aragorn allowed and watched as Eomer cut the fruit with his knife. He held up a generous slice.
"Are you sure that you don't want any?" He asked and Aragorn shook his head.
Eomer took a big bite and his expression was priceless as he spat it out again. Aragorn was laughing so hard he was grasping his sides because Eomer still looked so funny.
"That's inedible." Eomer complained. "I have never tasted anything so sour, not even healers concoctions."
"We rule out the fruit from the food list then." Aragorn grinned. "What more is there." He eyed the rest of the items. "Are you brave enough to try any of these?" He asked winking at his friend.
"Ha, a warrior of Rohan fears nothing." Eomer declared as he took a warrior stance. He picked up one of the sausages. "Sausages should be safe to eat, right?" He turned to look at Aragorn.
"You are the brave warrior who fears nothing." Aragorn chuckled. "You try it." He rather thought that this was amusing. Eomer still glared at the yellow fruit whenever he laid eyes on it.
Eomer carefully unwrapped one of the sausages and sniffed it carefully. "Smells like there is some garlic in it." He declared. Aragorn gestured for him to try it.
Eomer cut a small slice of it and nibbled it. "It's definitively garlic." He declared whit his eyes watering. He ate the rest of the slice. "Strong, but it's rather good." He turned to look around. "Have you got anything to drink here?" He asked as the heavily spiced sausage burned in his mouth.
Aragorn went to pour him a goblet of water from the pitcher. Laughing the whole time. Yet he actually tried a little of the sausages. He too had to drink some large amounts of water afterwards, and there was a strong taste of garlic, but it was not all that bad. Between them they finished of the sausage.
"What think you of the cheese?" Eomer eyed it curiously.
"I think that we shall not find out whatever it is good or not by looking at it." Now Aragorn was getting curious. Standing close together they unwrapped it and Eomer stuck his knife in the cheese. Both men simultaneously bolted for the door.
When they stood panting with their backs pressed to the door planks they turned to look at each other.
"That can not have been cheese." Eomer declared.
"I think that it was a cheese." Aragorn said. "Mayhap it has turned foul."
"I have never seen a cheese turn that foul. And I have seen some really bad cheese." Eomer declared. "Aragorn I can smell it through the door."
"We have to get rid if it." Aragorn sighed.
"How?" Eomer turned to Aragorn for a solution.
There was no avoiding it. "Go and fetch a spade and meet me in the garden and I shall have found some way to get close enough to it."
While Eomer went in search of a spade Aragorn tied a handkerchief over his mouth and nose and collected all his courage before ducking inside his study again. He regarded the cheese that lay on the desk. He poked it gingerly with his sword, it did not move. Well, if the smell was anything to go by it should have been dead for a couple of centuries. He managed to hook the wrapping on the edge of his sword point and lifted it out thusly.
Eomer came into the Kings garden with a spade over his shoulder, caught whiff of the cheese and stopped to tie his handkerchief over his face. It was decidedly less clean than Aragorn's but it was better than nothing.
As soon as it was in place he began digging. He did not stop until he stood in a waist deep hole. By the tips of two swords the cheese was poked close to the edge and into the hole. Eomer immediately began to shovel the earth back into the hole.
As soon as it was filled the two men congratulated each other on having diverted a disaster and went back into the study. Aragorn threw open all the windows to air it out.
"That was close." He heaved a sigh of relief.
Eomer nodded and eyed the bottle suspiciously. "I'm not sure that I dare try that. It looks to be alcohol, but that thing we buried looked to be cheese."
"Were you not a brave warrior who feared naught just a moment earlier." Aragorn teased. "What happened to make you change your mind about that."
"You feared it as much as I did." Eomer pointed out. "Do you think that there is a way to make alcohol bad Aragorn?"
The sausage had been edible so there should be a good chance it was perfectly safe to drink.
"We have both survived Eowyn's cooking." Aragorn stated. "We should be able to handle it." He picked up the bottle. "Come, if we go to the garden the worst that can happen is that we need to dig another hole."
It was a sound reasoning so Eomer picked up two goblets and followed him. Aragorn uncorked the bottle and poured a little in both goblets. He noted the fact that there was no stench, and the rich golden brown of the liquid.
"Shouldn't be a problem." Aragorn noted with a grin, they raised their goblets and touched their rims together and both men drank at the same time.
Both med went down on their knees choking and coughing at the same time.
"Alcohol, but what have they done with it?" Eomer coughed with tears streaming down his cheeks.
Aragorn had not yet regained enough breath to respond.
"Is this a private gathering for Kings only." An amused voice sounded from the entrance.
Both looked up to see the Steward of Gondor standing there, regarding them with amused curiosity.
Eomer uttered a string of Rohirric curses that burned hotter than the alcohol had.
"We can't allow there to be any witnesses to this." Aragorn uttered silently.
Eomer nodded, he would make the man pay for that smug smile.
"No offence Faramir, but you are a witness and we'd rather there were not any." Aragorn said softly as he approached his Steward and friend.
"Have you had a garlic gathering here?" The intense smell of garlic distracted Faramir from their menacing approach.
"It's nothing personal." Eomer shrugged as he clasped a hand over the other mans mouth. He would make him pay for having witnessed the spectacle of the two Kings on their knees. He
also was not about to allow the Steward to make a claim that the King of Rohan could not facedown a drink.
Faramir's eyes was large and a slight bit fearful as the hand was clasped securely over his mouth.
"Shall I dig a hole we can dump him in?" Aragorn asked thoughtfully as he gestured toward the spade.
"No." Eomer shook his head. "T'would take to long to dig." He jerked his head towards the fountain, and grinned as he winked at Aragorn."
"Excellent." Aragorn rubbed his hands together eagerly.
"You pick him up and I'll make sure he does not scream." Eomer commanded.
Faramir tried to back away, he defiantly tried, but Eomer had a secure hold and Aragorn soon had him off the ground. As they approached the fountain Faramir tried to beg for mercy. Something that is rather hard when someone has a hand over one's mouth.
Eomer counted of to three and Faramir suddenly found that there was no hold restraining him any longer. Unfortunately there was nothing but air and eventually the water in a fountain beneath him.
One dip in a fountain later the two Kings were explaining things to a very soaked Steward.
Aragorn retrieved the letter and allowed Faramir to look at it.
"Its Portuguese." He said after reading the first line.
"I told you its bloody creepy the way he knows all those accursed languages." Eomer stated forcefully.
"Do you wish to know what it says?" Faramir grinned. "I can read it easily, but if you do not want me to…" He did not finish the sentence.
"Do you want another bath?" Eomer threatened. "Read it."
Faramir read it out loud. "So you see." He said after he had read all of it. "You can squeeze the juice out of the lemons and mix it with water and sugar to get a pleasant drink. They warn of eating them like they are since they are rather sour."
Aragorn chuckled and Eomer glared at him while Faramir looked at them confused.
"The sausages are best devoured with ale as they are rather strongly spiced." Faramir went on. "They also have a strong taste of garlic, so that explains that."
"May I drench him Aragorn." Eomer pleaded. "He's getting to cheeky."
"I want to hear the rest." Aragorn objected. "If he gets to cheeky we can always give him another bath later."
Faramir glared at them and wrung out his still soaked tunic. "The bottle contains an alcohol that is called rum." He said as he eyed them carefully. "It's best drunken chilled as it is also is rather strong. So that explains that as well." He ducked as Eomer swung his fist at him. "Then there is a cheese that they claim to be something really special, as it has an extremely well savoured as well as potent smell and favoured taste. They claim that those who can not understand the fine points of it often mistakenly thinks that it stinks." He gave the two men curious glances. "I have seen evidence of all the rest. What happened to the cheese."
Aragorn gave a guilty grin and motioned to a patch of grass that looked as if someone had been digging in it recently, and where a spade was stuck in the ground.
"You buried it?" Faramir looked at them in disbelief.
"T'was your fault." Eomer shrugged. "If you had been here to translate earlier we would never have been forced to such drastic measures."
"You buried a gift from the Portuguese." Faramir stated. He was not really surprised. It would never occur to Eomer to wait until he knew what he were doing.
Both men nodded guiltily.
"If you tell we throw you into a well instead of just a fountain." Eomer promised.
Faramir swallowed as he had not doubt that Eomer meant it.
Since further writing at this point might have the result that our favourite Stewards gets to take a bath in a deep well I find it safest to end the tale here.
For those of you familiar with the temporary endings, no further explanation is needed. For those of you who are not familiar with them it means that this is a temporary ending until I can post the next chapter.
Which will be next week.
Pronounciation Guide by Celebrion:
Is she lazy or does she simply not have the words for it?
Soon I might aswell rename this part of the chapters "Random Rabblings by Celebrion"...
At least temporarily...
Temporary termination until I get something to do again.
Silver Sniper: Once again your review was one of the best things that happened this week. We can never know if every separate chapter is good, and to see that you liked it is great. It appears that quite many found the desk frightening, if only you all knew how much more frightening the desk can become. I doubt Aragorn will dare being in the same room as it, that will be fun to see. Aragorn refusing to go near his desk.
Legolas's Girl 9: Again as always, thank you. It is wonderful to have your encouragement and support.
Horsiegurl: I am glad to hear that you thought it was funny, as we are still trying to make all of our readers fall to the floor laughing as they read.
Lindahoyland: I think that Faramir could be involved in worse pranks and Aragorn still taking them in good turn. It would however be hard to get Faramir to agree to it, I had to send Arwen to him because he refused the two Hobbits I sent first.
I loved your new tale, I loved it as much as I ever loved the other one. It is just great beyond my vocabulary.
Seadragon68: I am glad that I could satisfy your knowledge and about the fact that it actually does reproduce. It is a very unusual desk that one, as Aragorn shall find out over time.
Forever Faramir: Celebríon: Ummm, I don't where he's from... He's keepnig rather silent about it, but that could just be him teaching Scots-Gaelic at the moment...
But, jeezes, FOUTEEN years? How are you still alive! But then again, you probably went a bit slower than we do... And then we have an examination coming up Thursday... Meeep! I'm going to be a wreck by then...
Elenhín: Would I allow Aragorn to do any kind of lasting damage to Faramir. I specify lasting as I realised what Aragorn did to him above, oh well, no living human has ever died from a bath.
As for the desk scaring you, what do you think that it is supposed to do, Aragorn will be terrified before it is done, and it rather sounds like you will be that as well. Do not worry though, I can control the desk. You shall however have to wait just a little to find out what it is up to.
Here I would like to thank everyone who reads my works, thank you.
Here it must also be said that in the tale "A Two Colour Chain Mail," we started the vote based on the fact that Sean Bean and David Wenham made the perfect image of two brothers. We also got plenty of agreement on that.
So here it is, if you agree with us and think that they should be real brothers. Say so in your review. It shall be your vote. On my authors page, in the bio I shall keep score. When the score reaches 100, they shall be declared official brothers. Then on my authors page shall be an official declaration written by Elenhin and Celebrion.
Then the truth can not be denied, they shall be brothers.