Family chapter 5

Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen, it's five AM, and thank's to my good friend Ivan Insomnia, I am very sleep deprived, yet cannot sleep. So, I'm putting my Riddick saturated mind to use (I've just finished watching PB, DF and CoR without a break. I'm on Riddick high...drool)...lets see if I can't get this right!

Disclaimer - I'm not that sleep deprived.

"Enjoy your boyfriend?"

Heeheehee.

Guess my evasion techniques worked. He couldn't spy on us and it's grating.

"Very much so, yes." I tell him with the voice and smile and eyes that leave nothing to the imagination as to what we've been doing. Of course, we haven't been doing it, but hey, I'm a good lier. I know that a normal parent would be livid at the tought of their little girl doin' 'that', but Riddick's reaction is hillarious.

Nothing.

He doesn't move he doesn't say anything, he doesn't do anything.

But even though I can't see his face, I know that look.

He wants to go gut something.

I turn to face him and I catch something in his eyes as he slides his mask back on.

"What's the matter, Riddick? Spyin' didn't go too well for you?"

"It only counts as spyin' if you can actually see somethin'." He grumbles.

He turns into the kitchen and starts running the water to do the washing up. Yes, the old fashioned way. We have the riches and resources of the universe at our fingertips, but we're living in one of the most run-down homes in one of the most run down cities in one of the most run-down planets in the known universe.

After a moment I take pity on him.

"We didn't do anything." I tell him honestly.

"I know."

Of course he knows, he would have been able to smell it on me if we had been.

"But you didn't know when you couldn't see me, and that's what bugs you."

Shit, busted.

"What do you want me to say, Jack?" I demand. "You and I have been living together for the last three and a half years, you know I worry about you."

It's true and I will admit it. I care about her, and I worry about her, because honestly, I don't want to be without her. I realise that in the last four seconds worth of thought I've broken almost every rule I ever created before Jack, but I also realise I don't care.

"How did it go with Koli?"

"How do you expect?" I tell her. "She's five, Jack. She did five-year-old things and I tried to keep tabs on you."

She pauses a second, just in that moment, she reminds me a little of Koli, just the way she holds herself while she gets ready to ask something important.

"Are you gonna carry on going round?"

I know what she means. Her evasive manuvers have told me quite plainly that I'm not gonna be able to spy anymore and I'll just have to trust her, and she's askin' if I'm gonna keep on goin to see Koli. If I don't, I'm an ass, if I do, then I've broken my old AND new rules. Hearts are like parachutes, I once got told, they work best when they're open. I learned otherwise. But hearts need using, or they die, and like any other part of my body, it doesn't want to die. It wants to live and thrive, and always has. So it did what was in its' nature to do...it trusted and loved and landed me in shit. But I had no choice but to let it do it's thing. So I took the safest option and went for kids. Hence Brenna, hence Jack, hence Koli. I love kids cause they don't see me the way normal people do. I'm not a psychotic killer to be hated, I'm either cool or I'm a saviour or I'm just a guy. It's safer to trust kids then anyone else.

But once you open the door to one kid, you may as well be a fuckin' space port. They all wanna come in.

"Yeah, well," I tell her after a moment, "Gotta keep an eye on you, haven't I?"

I deem him worth of a snort, but don't say anything else. When he carries on arguing one point, even though he knows I know he's lost, it's like some sort of code for us. "Gotta keep an eye on you" loosely translates to "Koli's wormed her way into my heart the way you did but if I admit it I may as well dig a six foot hole in the garden and bury my pride and damned mans ego, so please for the love of all things holy leave me alone and do not make me drop the tough guy act".

That's what I love most about Riddick...his simplisity.

"You still worried about Damian?" I ask after a moment and I see him tense a little at the name.

"You're a big girl, Jack." He tells me. "You can take care of yourself."

I roll my eyes. Loose translation: "It bugs the hell out of me, I want to keep you as a kid forever."

"Doesn't answer my question." I point out.

He drops the plate he was cleaning back into the bowl and storms off, leaving a trail of soapy water behind him.

"Wash your own fuckin' dishes!" He shouts, slamming his way into his room.

Wow. Loose translation; "You hit a nerve, bitch."

How did that happen?

Any normal...or at least non-suicidal person would have left Riddick to sulk in peace, but not me.

"Riddick?"

Fuck sake, kid. "What?"

"I'm sorry." She tells me, and all anger, hatred and fear melts instantly. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't," I tell her gruffly, but I know she doesn't beleive me.

I see her shilloetted in the doorway of light from the next room, and I know she doesn't know whether to cut her losses and leave, or stand there and try to stirke up a more successful conversation.

"I lost it, kid." I tell her. "That's all."

There, kid. That's my explanation, take it or leave it.

"Why?"

Or pick it to death.

"Come in here." I tell her, gesturing to the place on the bed beside me. "Close the door."

She does as I say, and I know that she won't move to turn the lights on. She knows me that well. I feel the weight of her settle on the bed beside me, and I can feel her body heat against my arm. A waft of her smell hits me, then her taste on the air.

This is what the world feels and smells and sounds and tastes like to me.

Like Jack.

"M'sorry," I tell her after a while. I know she won't understand it, but it's the best explanation I can offer.

"For what?"

I don't answer her...I can't. I don't know what the fuck to say. I told her about Brenna, and I told her all the fucked up shit in my past, and I know the fucked up shit in her past, and we both worry about the other and we both know we worry about each other, and we both care about each other and want to keep each other safe and for the first time in my life I am truely sorry because I know I can't. I can't protect her, I can't keep her safe in any sense of the word, and I can't be what she needs. I can't 'talk' about it, and I can't be allright with her not allowing me to keep tabs on her 24/7.

"I'm sorry," I tell her again, before I fall back onto my bed, suddenly exhausted.

'Could you have said any more, Riddick?' I think to myself for a moment. I know he only said two words, but...

"I'm sorry."

Loose translation: "Something's wrong, and I can't explain it or understand it or solve it and I'm sorry cause I'm fucking it up for you."

I know that I am the only thing he would ever be sorry for...he's sorry if he thinks he's failed me because he has failed Fry and he's failed Brenna and he's failed everyone else he loves, and it kills him. Every time he fail, it kills him.

Unsure of what else to do, I lay down beside him, feeling a sort of sad exhaustion. I curl up beside him like I used to on the way to New Mecca, or on UV6, and a small comfort is that he's laying on his back, one arm behind his head. I found I can tell his moods by his position...arms behind his head, he's thinking deep thoughts. One arm, he's thinking and hurting. If he's on his side, he's seriously hurting and needs a hug, but won't accept one. Baby.

I curl against his side and the arm comes down around be like it always used to. Apparently, he's tired too. His breath is leveling out into hazy half-sleep as he pulls me again him and turns onto his side to he's facing me. Shifting again, we finally find ourselves curled in a familiar hug, and we sleep.

How was that chapter? Good? Shizen? LATE? Yeah, I know, I'm really sorry. Writers block hit me over the head...in all fairness, it's exam time. I have my first exam (4 minutes of speaking German about my school and alkahol, fun) on Tuesday, and I have some serious revising to do! AAAHHH!

Btw, any "way it could have gone..." readers, watch this space...update expected any day now...honest.