Lost Gone Clue (Sort of)
By Pidgeon and Katnip
(Voice from the forest) SCREAM AHHHHHHHH! (Silence. Crows fly out of jungle.)
Locke: There's been a…MURDER. (Thunder, lightning)
Claire: How do you…know?
Locke: Well Ms. Peacock, did you see the trees shake? Did you see the animals run? Goes into whisper did you see the crows fly? Now why would they be scared? Nothing seems to frighten them. But the only thing that scares everyone and everything, living and dead, is COLD HARD MURDER!
Kate: But who was it Colonel Mustard?
Locke: I wish I could tell you Ms. Scarlet but even I don't know this and I know ALL
Jack: What? No you don't! I bet you like fifty seashells that you've never performed a surgery!
Locke: Well you're right there Mr. White but if I did, I WOULDN'T HAVE KILLED ALL MY PATIENTS!
(Sawyer and Charlie Snicker)
Jack: Gasp! How did you know? My drunken Daddy was supposed to cover that up for me!
Locke: Well he didn't! (Thunder, lighting)
Hurley: Dude. He was drunk.
Jack: (Runs off into forest screaming like a little girl.)
Charlie: Is it just me, or does he scream like a little prat?
Everyone: (Nods and murmurs or agreement.)
Locke: Back to the murder! (Thunder and lighting…again)
(Everyone looks around shiftily.)
Steve: Err Colonel Mustard? Who did it?
Some guy: You're supposed to be dead! Authors note: I keep forgetting which one it is
Steve: That was Scott
Some guy: oh
Kate: Well who was around when the victim died? Hold on who died?
Locke: There's only one was to figure that out. ROLL CAL-
Claire: Hey! Don't you dare start creating meteorological disturbances again! Aaron is just falling asleep!
Locke: But Ms. Peacock, I only wanted to be a fatherly figure for you…
Charlie: Don't you dare do that either Custard! Err… Mustard
Hurley: I like custard!
Locke: Precisely why ill be doing a road call!
Sayid: What does that have to do with custard?
Locke: Just get in line everybody okay?
Hurley: Fine General Chow.
Everybody???
So everybody gets into line and gives their "roll call" number. A process made by the Colonel himself.
After everyone gives his or her number…
Locke: Righto. Well lemme meditate on this and I'll get back to you folks. Go man of Faith!
Five Hours Later...
Locke: After many hours meditating and talking to the island…
Sawyer: The Island doesn't talk Bucko.
Locke: Don't interrupt me boy. Anyways, I have concluded that it is…THAT WEIRD STUMPY WOMAN IN THE UGLY SUNDRESS!
Voice in back: I could have told you that hours ago!
Kate: is it true? Is she finally dead? (For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about, there's this extra in the show that is always in an ugly sundress everywhere. If you don't believe me, watch a few episodes in the first season.)
Jack: (finally returning) She is.
Jin: Go back to the jungle Daddy's boy!
Hurley: Dude. You really speak English this time?
Sun: No he isn't. I just taught him that to say to Mr. White.
Jack: Well. I have never been more insulted in my life!
Sawyer: How about this? You suck.
Jack runs off crying for the second time.
Charlie: Good one Professor Plum.
Shannon: Well anyways, how was she killed? Not like I care or anything…
Everyone: IMMEDIATE SUSPECT!
Shannon: What? God. Just how did she die?
Locke: Err… Lemme check.
Kate: I'll come knowing with just him it will take a few hours.
Sayid: Ooh! I'll come too! It will just be like CSI!
Everyone: …
Sayid: It's a good show! I especially like that Catherine girl. Grissom's so smart and Greg's such a cutie!
Everyone: …(cont'd)
Michael: Right… Well we best be off
At the Crime Scene
Locke: Now don't go touching anything. We don't want to get anything on the evidence… especially fingerprints.
Sawyer: Excuse me? Harold, we are in the middle of nowhere. Where do you think we can get our hands on a fingerprinting kit?
Locke: Why does everyone have a sudden fetish for calling me strange unrelated names?
Sayid: (little light bulb goes off in head. Staggers off doing the chicken dance. Comes back holding a suitcase.)
Charlie: What's in the carrier Mr Green? (Random British expression)
Sayid: (Shows Charlie label on suitcase reading "Fingerprinting kit. Property of Island. For Criminal Investigation only.")
Charlie: That settles it.
It was a gruesome sight. The Sundress lady was covered in dirt and a pool of blood by an unmistakable hole in her head. A random shotgun lay by her side.
Shannon: I wonder how she died?
Claire: It's clearly obvious git. She was shot in the head. How else could she have possibly died?
Aaron: Wahh!
Claire: Now look! Your stupidity has made Aaron cry!
Charlie: (Inside head) Stupid baby. What did I ever get myself into? (Fingers drugs inside his pocket) There you are lovely.
Claire: Charlie what's in your pocket?
Charlie: Nothing love. Nothing at all.
(Possible Charlie/Claire moment ruined by Charlie's habits)
Suddenly, the birds go quiet, the gentle breeze stops and everyone tenses up. They hear some movement in the bushes. What could it be? The others? The Monster? An old man? A head pops up out of the bushes…it's…it's…BOONE!
Shannon faints dead away.
Jack who has recently regathered his emotional strength and just rejoined the group has run and gone out screaming and blubbering back into the brush for a third time.
Aaron spits up all over Charlie's clean shirt. Not out of fear just because he had to.
Colonel Mustard breaks the silence.
Locke: I swear you just died a few episodes ago.
Boone: Well I got bored plus I couldn't stand being useless.
(Everyone smirks simultaneously making one big weird noise.)
Sawyer: Well make yourself useful Deaddles and fingerprint the scene.
As Boone faithfully fingerprints every rock, leaf, tree, and the murder weapon, Sayid goes down the hatch and returns with some artificially flavoured Pina Coladas and a bunch of lawn chairs.
Kate: Gee Mr. Green you really know how to make a good artificially flavoured Pina Colada.
Sayid: Why thank you Ms Scarlet. It's all in the way you shake them.
Charlie: Plus it mixes well with heroin. (All goes silent and everyone stares) Er… I mean the heat. Yes, it goes well with the heat. Heh heh.
Everyone goes back to their drinks. Michael hands Charlie "The most crap cover-up job ever" awards and pins it to his shirt.
Jin sniffs his drink unable to determine whether it is for consumption or for medicinal use. So he rubs it all over his body in hopes that it cures a green rash that has been ailing him ever since the crash. It does the trick.
Boone: I finally got a print! (Smudges it) Dammit.
Sawyer: Way to go Wunderbar. That was the only print we got.
But before anyone else could agree with Sawyer, another sounds came from the bushes. This time everyone was really afraid. So they all ran and made a big group hug all looking very stupid doing so. Suddenly you could hear a tune being whistled… It was Frére Jacques! Who could it be?
Everyone: Danielle! You've been missing since Season one finale part two!
Danielle: C'est moi! Imagine a French accent I am so sorry. I shot her. This strange woman was irritating me beaucoup that is French for a lot She was always standing around doing something when I visited. Fishing, sitting by the fire, walking around on the beach. I couldn't take it! So I shot her. You may punish me if necessary.
Instead of handcuffing Danielle, Hurley gave her a huge hug and knocked the wind out of her. And everyone sat her down and gave her a Pina Colada.
Jack once again ambled into the clearing after chasing some imaginary cousin of his. But when he saw the French nutter, he had the lemming like instinct to throw himself off a cliff. Which he did.
Finally everything was right on the island.
Author's note: Hello all thank you for pulling though in this story of mine. This was supposed to be more clue-ish but I had my own ideas. I need to give credit for the love of my life Katnip for starting the story and the other love of my life Pasta Noodles who showed me this site. So this story is dedicated to them. Yes guys you. Cheers.