Chapter Two

The best thing about pretending to be a girl, Sirius quickly discovered, was that people automatically underestimated you.

For example, when Severus Snape decided to make a snide comment about Remus's potion making skills during class, he was quite shocked when Alex sent a boiling hex at his cauldron, causing the contents to overheat and explode promptly in his face.

The bad thing about pretending to be a girl, Sirius thought as he spent his Friday night in detention, was that his professors knew not to fall for his innocent doe-eyes and fluttery lashes.

Sirius didn't return to the Gryffindor Tower from his detention until late Friday evening. He had a separate room from everyone else, since obviously he could room with neither the girls nor the boys. Professor McGonagall had told the students that Alex had a severe muggle disease called diabetes, which required her room to be monitored at all times. Luckily for Sirius, this could also provide a convenient excuse to disappear once every twenty-four hours and refresh the glamours that effectively disguised him as a girl while leaving his body physically unaltered.

"You're back, finally!" James said as Sirius walked through the portrait hole. "Cor, we thought we'd be waiting up all bloody night!"

"Oh yes, so sorry for keeping you up," Sirius said sarcastically, though secretly he was really quite pleased.

Peter glared. "We didn't have to, you know." Ha! He's still smarting from those wrestling matches on the train, Sirius thought smugly. Puffed-up little git.

"You didn't have to do that for me," Remus said, the corners of his mouth turning up in the beginnings of a smile.

"Of course I did! Anything to defend your honor," Sirius replied brightly. James and Remus looked slightly amused, and Peter looked like he wanted to gag.

"Aren't you supposed to be defending her honor, Remus?" James asked, jabbing Remus in the ribs with a bony elbow and waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Somehow I doubt Alex needs anyone to come to her rescue," Remus said dryly. "She's not exactly a damsel in distress when she's the one starting the fights."

"Hey!" Sirius said indignantly, though he wasn't sure if it was for being mocked or for being called a girl. "I didn't start anything! Snape got what he deserved. That whole house is rotten."

"True enough," James agreed amiably. "Which is why we're on a mission tonight."

"A mission?" asked Sirius, intrigued. "What sort of mission?"

"A secret mission," said James expressively, a devious glint in his eyes.

Peter perked up and Remus glanced around the empty common room warily.

"Payback for you getting detention tonight," explained James. "We can't let Snape get away with it, or next thing you know the whole house will be out of control. We've got to keep the Gryffindor honor."

"Right," Sirius said. "I know my way around this school, but we'll still have to be extra careful not to get caught if we're going to sneak into the Slytherin dungeons. I haven't been down there except for potions."

James grinned. "No need to worry," he said, pulling out something from behind his back. "I've got this."

Three hours, two close calls, and one masterfully executed prank later, four boys returned to Gryffindor Tower declaring themselves the Marauders.

To no one's real surprise, the name stuck.

Sirius's first year at Hogwarts was over before it seemed to have really begun. Soon he was riding the train with his best friends James, Remus, and Peter home for the summer holidays.

Of course, none of them knew that for Sirius home was now Hogwarts, and he'd be portkeying back a few minutes after the train arrived at King's Cross.

"You'll write over the summer, yeah?" asked James before they pulled out their trunks.

"Course," replied Sirius, grinning around a mouthful of James's sweets. "You'll have to tell me about the Quidditch Cup."

"Don't worry, I'll bring you all back souvenirs."

"Thanks, James," said Remus. Something about Remus's voice caused Sirius to give him a second look; he was pale and looked feverish.

"Are you all right, Remus?" said Peter just as Sirius was opening his mouth to ask.

Remus grinned and gave a casual shrug. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll write you all over break. Don't get in too much trouble!"

"Ah, where's your Marauder instincts?" called out James as they walked off the train and onto the platform.

"I'm saving them for next year," Remus laughed. "You see, I'm actually planning on attending Hogwarts next year, unlike you three, so I have to maintain some modicum of control."

"Huh," said Peter, waving at a short blonde woman who appeared to be his mother. "And here I thought you were just boring! Well I'm off guys, see you later!"

"See you later Pete!" James yelled to his retreating back.

"Bye then," said Remus to Sirius and James, looking suddenly shy.

"See you later, mate," said James fondly. "Don't forget all our plans for next year!"

"He won't," said Sirius, grinning. "He's got them all written down on a list, I bet."

Remus blushed and waved as he hurried off and disappeared into the crowd, leaving only Sirius and James.

"Well Alex, I reckon next year'll be brilliant," said James. "Make sure you don't turn all girly on us over the summer, all right?"

Sirius scowled. "Don't worry," he said. "I'm sure it'll be quite the opposite."

That summer Sirius was allowed to quit using the glamours and spend time appearing male again.

He found that he didn't look too different from a year ago; he was a few inches taller, a bit bulkier, but other than that he looked much the same as he remembered.

He ate meals with Dumbledore and the staff who weren't on holiday, and spent his days flying on the Quidditch pitch and exploring the ever-shifting hallways of Hogwarts. Sirius even went for a dip in the lake a few times, though never at night—he wouldn't ever admit it, but the idea of being drowned by the giant squid was more than a little frightening.

Although he missed his friends, Sirius found that it was a relief to be himself again. Pretending to be Alex Rendall was hard work. Even if he could usually convince himself that it was as an especially challenging and brilliant prank, Sirius found he sorely needed the break.

James wrote him a few paragraphs every month, and sent a package containing a Quidditch poster and sweets along with an extra-long letter detailing every maneuver used at the Quidditch World Cup. James was disappointed that the Japanese team, the Toyohashi Tengu, had lost, but said that it was a brilliant game anyway.

Remus sent him very long and very interesting letters from various places around the globe. He sent Sirius sand from the shore of the Mediterranean Sea and a colorful silk shirt from India that was very nice despite its being very girlish. Remus always gave vivid descriptions of the places he visited, but to Sirius it seemed as if there was an underlying desperateness hidden between every grammatically-correct line. He figured he must be stressed from being in close proximity to his family for so long, though Remus had never said as much. It always surprised Sirius that James, Peter, and Remus got along so well with their parents. He didn't allow himself to be jealous, though, or else he'd never think about anything else.

Peter sent him a few letters at the beginning of summer and one rambling one at the end, amusing Sirius with stories that were amazingly commonplace yet utterly foreign to him at the same time—Peter's trip in Diagon Alley with his mother, shopping for a new owl with his father. Sirius was glad that Peter had finally warmed up to him, though he still suspected that Peter resented that a "girl" was stronger than he was.

Sirius missed his friends, but sending letters didn't help as much as he had hoped it would—he had to be careful about what he wrote, constructing a family that lived in Brighton and their long vacation in London. (Though the London vacation bit was easier, since he had lived there for eleven miserable years, before everything had come crashing down.) Remus asked if he had any siblings, and Sirius wrote in a shaky hand that no, I'm an only child like you, before he had to push the parchment away so his tears couldn't run the ink.

Sirius's second year at Hogwarts proved to be both easier and harder to begin than the last one had.

On one hand, he had his friends and his house all sorted out, and didn't have to worry about constructing his identity. On the other hand, it was hard to give up the freedom he'd had over the summer and become Alex Rendall again. Just as he'd been getting used to his real reflection (and spending inordinate amounts of time turning and twisting and examining it from every angle), a girl was once again staring back at him from his mirror every morning.

Sirius found that it was easier if he didn't look, and soon settled into a blind routine of getting ready each morning and meeting James, Peter, and Remus in the common room before breakfast.

One day, a few weeks into term, Remus pulled him aside unexpectedly.

"Alex, may I ask you a—a personal question?"

Sirius's heart began to beat faster and he took a shallow breath, trying to remind himself that panicking would only give him away faster. "Sure."

"Do you ever find it hard to live with your—condition?" Remus asked quietly, the dark circles under his eyes dark against his too-pale skin.

Sirius thought oh fuck, he knows, but couldn't stop himself from opening his mouth and answering truthfully, "Every day."

Remus nodded. "I don't know that much about your disease," he said finally, "but I think a part of me can—identify. I'm sorry I didn't ask you about it sooner, but I didn't know how to bring it up."

Sirius stood there utterly dumbfounded until Remus's words caught up with his brain. Oh! He means the cover story McGonagall told everyone, that muggle disease. Sirius, you idiot. Despite the disparaging voice in his head, Sirius could have laughed aloud with relief.

"It's okay, it's not really a big deal," he said, trying to make light of the conversation. "It hardly affects me at all, really. I mean other than having a separate room, and that's just in case. Really, having my own room is ace."

Remus's amber-brown eyes met Sirius's grey ones suddenly, and Sirius was surprised to see the emotion in his eyes, though he couldn't decipher what it was. Sadness? Pity?

Empathy?

But before Sirius could attempt to analyze it further Remus dropped his gaze, muttered his thanks, and drifted off towards the boys' dormitories.

Something, thought Sirius to himself, is definitely up.

"What is wrong with you?" James Potter demanded, glaring at Remus and practically quivering with righteous indignation.

Remus looked exhausted and vaguely panicked. "Nothing, I just don't want to join."

"Bollocks!" said James, cornering Remus in the hallway outside their charms classroom. "You love Quidditch, I know you do, you told me so yourself this summer! You're brilliant on a broom, you'd make a great seeker or even a chaser—why the bloody hell won't you try out?"

"You're not listening to me," Remus said, now getting angry himself. "I said I don't want to join, James. I'm not mad for it like you are."

"Liar," James accused. "You just can't give a straight answer, can you? Just like you make up stories about where you disappear off to every month. Well I'm sick of it."

"James," Sirius said, trying to end his best mate's diatribe, "Remus isn't an attention-seeking git like you are. Maybe he just doesn't want to play in front of the whole school. Leave it alone, for Merlin's sake."

"Shut up, Alex!" James yelled back, which worried Sirius much more than it angered him. Sirius had slowly put the pieces of the puzzle together a month ago, when Remus had been conspicuously absent from a Herbology class on lunar plants. It had hit him as he went to bed alone that night—Remus's sickly appearance every few weeks, his odd absences at seemingly random times, the way his eyes wouldn't meet any of theirs when he said he was visiting sick family—and after he'd checked the calendar, Sirius had been certain.

Sirius hadn't known how to react at first; he had been brought up to believe that Dark Creatures were worse than muggleborns, that they weren't even human. Even if Sirius hadn't been disinclined to believe anything his parents said, he'd still have had a hard time justifying any real negative emotions towards Remus Lupin. Sirius hadn't confronted Remus yet, and wasn't really planning to. Besides, he was busy doing everything he could to put James and Peter off the scent.

After all, he knew how important it could be to keep things hidden.

"Alex?" a voice behind them asked, effectively stopping James from making any further comments to Remus. Sirius, Remus, and James turned around to see Lily Evans standing outside the classroom, looking at them with a concerned expression on her freckled face.

"Hello Lily," Sirius said pleasantly, trying his best to grin casually. He still hadn't gotten over his fear that girls would be able to tell he wasn't one of them, and therefore avoided Lily and her friends as often as possible. He thought Lily was all right, though, and felt bad that it probably seemed like 'Alex' was always blowing her off.

"Is everything all right?" Lily asked, giving James a suspicious look.

"Yes, everything's all right, James has just got his knickers in a twist over nothing." Sirius rolled his eyes for emphasis.

Lily raised an eyebrow. "So I guess everything's normal then."

"Shove off, Evans," James scowled, stalking away from Remus and shooting a disgusted look over his shoulder before entering the charms classroom.

Remus slumped against the hallway wall, looking utterly drained. Sirius knew it was a full moon tomorrow night and winced.

"Look, Lily, thanks for everything, but Remus and I have got to…" Sirius racked his brain, trying to think of a plausible reason to skive off lessons.

"Look for Peter," Remus supplied, surprising Sirius with his ready lie. "Please tell Professor Flitwick we'll be late, okay?"

"Sure," Lily agreed, tucking a lock of her red hair behind one ear and giving Remus a concerned look. "Um, see you later then."

"Yeah, see you," Sirius echoed as she walked into the classroom.

"Come on then," Remus said, not looking at Sirius. "Let's go to Gryffindor Tower."

Sirius didn't say anything, but followed Remus in silence back to the common room and then up into the boy's dormitory. Sirius loved it up there—he'd only been a few times, since generally the other boys didn't appreciate having a girl up there with them, but he liked to imagine how different it would be when he would live here in 7th year, once he was of age and could testify against his parents.

Remus sat down on the edge of the bed and put his head into his hands. Sirius stood in the middle of the circular dormitory, unsure if he should break the silence or wait for Remus to speak.

"James will get over it," Sirius said finally, unwilling to bear the heavy quiet between them any longer. "He's just upset because I'm going out for Beater and he's trying for Chaser, and he wanted you to play too. It'll all blow over though, you know how he is."

Remus took his head out of his hands and looked up at Sirius with his amber-brown eyes. "How much do you know, Alex?"

Sirius gulped. The million galleon question, Sirius thought. "Um," he started, unsure of how to respond. He thought about how he would feel, if someone knew who he really was, and what he'd be feeling in that position. Ironically, Sirius decided that honesty was the best policy.

"You're a werewolf."

Remus nodded calmly, though his face grew a little paler and his eyes darkened. "Yes, I thought you might have figured it out. How long?"

"Since last full moon."

Remus didn't say anything; he just sat on his bed, eyes unfocused and looking utterly lost.

"I don't care, Remus," Sirius said, the words coming out in a rush as his chest twisted painfully. "I never did. It was a bit of a shock, of course, but I don't feel any differently about you."

Remus looked up then, eyes bright and mouth twisted in a nightmarish parody of a smile. "You don't care, Alex? You don't care that once a month I'd love nothing more than to eat you alive? You don't care that I'm not even human?"

Something inside Sirius suddenly snapped. Remus's words awoke haunting memories of his mother's cold hate, and the burden of two years of lies came crashing down on him. Sirius could not know what it was to be a dark creature, but he understood how it was to feel trapped in your own skin-- or rather, how it felt to be trapped in skin that is anything but your own.

"That's bollocks, Remus. You're more human than any of us. You're kind and smart and funny and it's not your fault that you're a werewolf, and I don't care!" Sirius was screaming now, his heartbeat loud in his ears and his girlish voice echoing through the dormitory. "You're one of my best friends and I don't fucking care what the bloody Ministry says about werewolves, it's not true, you're not a Dark Creature, you're one of the best friends I've ever had and I only wish that I could help—"

Remus stopped Sirius's outburst by clapping his hand over Sirius's mouth. "Alex," he said, very softly, "thank you, but please shut up before all of Hogwarts hears."

Sirius nodded his head, and Remus released his hand. They stood there, looking at each other, each taking heavy breaths. Sirius felt the weight of all his secrets—his biggest secret—ricocheting inside him like a thousand bludgers.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," Remus said finally, looking away from Sirius and out the nearest Gryffindor Tower window. "It's just I didn't want anyone to find out. I didn't trust myself with telling you—if you and James and Peter hated me, I wouldn't want to go on. I would want to leave Hogwarts, and never see another witch or wizard again. I wasn't brave enough to—to even give you the chance, to give me a chance."

Sirius didn't know what to do, so he stopped thinking and threw his arms around Remus's shoulders in a brotherly embrace. It wasn't until Remus hugged him back that he realized he'd never done this before with any of his friends. He also remembered that it wasn't Sirius who was hugging Remus; it was Alex.

Sirius gently let his arms fall.

"I have a confession to make, Remus," Sirius said slowly. Remus, who was still looking rather surprised from the impromptu hug, nodded silently. "There's something I can't tell you, and I've had to lie about it. I don't want to, but I have to. Please don't ask me what it is," Sirius rushed on, though Remus hadn't tried to speak. "I'm—I'm obligated not to say anything. I promise, though, that I'll tell you someday. I just don't want you to feel like you did something wrong, by not telling me and James and Peter, 'cos there's stuff about me you don't know yet."

Remus nodded his head. "All right. Just… make sure you tell me if you're in trouble, okay?"

Sirius nodded his agreement, though it felt like just another lie.

"I'm going to tell James and Peter tonight. It's not right to keep it from them any longer—they deserve the chance to know." Remus looked down at the frayed hem of his jumper, idly tugging at the loose threads. "Thanks for not saying anything to them, Alex."

"No problem. I guess you could say I know how it feels to keep secrets."

Remus rolled up his sleeves before facing Sirius again. "I know you have your own secrets to keep, but I trust you."

Sirius grinned before he could help himself; he and Remus were two really mushy blokes. Well, at least Sirius had a bit of an excuse—he's supposed to act like a girl, after all.

"At least James will stay off your back about Quidditch now," Sirius said jokingly, trying to turn the conversation into less heart-felt, soul-baring territory. "I assume that's why you don't want to try out, isn't it?"

"Well yes, I suppose that's part of it," Remus said, laughing. "But mostly I just don't like flying in front of a crowd."

Notes: Reviews are adored:)