CHAPTER 4: The First Realization is Free, Baby

After dinner, Veronica and I had retired to the safety of my bedroom. She appeared more than happy to get away from my family, just as I was. I wasn't certain of what her reasons were, but I knew what mine were. It was partly about getting my mother to stop questioning her left and right, and partly about wanting more than anything to be alone with her.

Why do I want to be alone with her?

"Are you okay?" I asked softly, closing my door and locking it.

"Hm, yeah," she replied, "It just felt kind of uncomfortable."

"I know, I felt it too. I'm so sorry my mom kept asking you all of those questions."

"That's okay, it makes sense, really. I mean, I'm not like Miranda or Gordo. I'm someone… new… maybe uninteresting…"

She bowed her head and stared at her hands, which were resting in her lap.

"Whoa, Veronica, what is this?"

"It's nothing," she said without looking up.

"It sounds like something to me."

"It's just that I realize how close you and Miranda and Gordo are. I'm just some new girl who's breaking into the little circle you three have. I'm not even as fun or as interesting as they are, I bet."

I felt my heart drop.

Uninteresting! She thinks she's uninteresting! If she only knew.

"Veronica," I said, reaching down into her lap and taking her left hand into my right one. "You couldn't be anymore wrong. You are so beyond interesting to me. I love our little daily conversations. I love being around you. I love just waking up and seeing you."

Veronica finally lifted her head to meet mine, her face full of surprise and hope.

"Do you mean that?"

"Yes! Gordo and Miranda don't even really know me. The three of us have grown apart and they do the most boring things. But you Veronica, my god… you know so much about books and movies and everything. I would rather spend all of my time with you than with them."

"I don't want you to have to choose between them and me."

"Well, you win."

"Huh?"

"I choose you."

"Lizzie-"

"I. Choose. You."

I spoke the words in a gentle tone, but made sure that there was a bit of force behind them so that Veronica would know how serious I was.

She stared at me for a moment and then gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen. She looked as though I had given her everything that she ever wanted and needed.

We both looked down at our clasped hands. Veronica began to move her thumb over my palm, and then she interlocked our fingers. My eyes stayed focused on the image of our hands wound together. It stirred something inside of me that made my skin prickle. I looked up at Veronica who was watching me with nothing but adoration in her eyes. She smirked at me and I smirked at her.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!

I jerked my hand away and stood up. My knees were shaking and it felt like they would give out at any second.

What was that? What am I doing? What is happening?

I began walking to my television with my back turned to Veronica. I didn't have to look at her to see the hurt and disappointment on her face. I could feel her sad eyes, burning into my back.

"What movie do you want to watch?" I said, my words coming out unevenly.

"I-I don't care."

Her voice was low. I heard the pain in it. The pain caused by my rejection. She felt like I had pushed her away.

"How about 'Requiem for a Dream'? It's kind of dark and depressing, but I like it."

"That's, um, fine."

I put the DVD in, shut the lights off, and joined Veronica on my bed. She was leaning back, propped up on her elbows. Her shoulders were bunched up. I was unable to see her face. Her head was turned slightly to the right, her hair down in front of it like a shield.

She looks wonderful, especially in the light of the television

I laid down on my stomach, my head facing the television and my feet facing my pillows. And, as Veronica and I sat there the entire time without speaking one word, I paid no attention to the movie and stared at her in amazement.

-NEXT-

I saw a myriad of faces. They were the faces of people who I had known throughout my life. My grandfather, my grandmother, my father, my mother, uncles, aunts, my brother, Gordo, Miranda, Ethan Craft, Kate Sanders, Claire Miller, my ex-"boyfriend" Ronny, and even Larry Tudgeman. They were all standing outside, under the shade of a pine tree, staring at me. I was a few feet away, standing in a grassy area, the scorching sun beating down on me. The heat of it was burning my face, arms, and legs. I felt a presence at my side, taking my hand. I looked over to see who it was.

It was Veronica.

"Do you think they know about you?"

I stared at her in confusion.

"Do you think they know, Lizzie?"

"Know? Know what?"

"Your secret."

"I have a secret?"

Veronica shook her head.

"You don't even know yet. You don't know it right now, but you will figure it out."

She reached out and touched my face.

"You'll figure it out soon, Lizzie. You will."

I looked at Veronica and then over at the familiar faces watching me in the shade. And that was when a thought had entered my mind.

Here Veronica and I are, separated from them. They are in the darkness of the shade, and she and I are in the light of the sun. Just the two of us, together, as the people in my life look at us disapprovingly.

-NEXT-

I felt my eyelids fluttering open. There was a glowing light in the distance.

"What the hell?" I mumbled.

That was when I realized it was just a dream. The faces, the shade, the sun, what Veronica said – all just a dream.

I forced my eyes open all the way and saw that the glowing light was the television. I sat up feeling very groggy and a little out of it.

I looked over to my right. Veronica was curled up in a ball, her eyes squeezed shut, her lips slightly parted. I watched the steady rise and fall of her chest and listened closely to her gentle breathing.

I grinned at the sight.

I guessed that the both of us must've fallen asleep during the movie, but when I noticed that the DVD player was turned off and the television was on and muted, I knew that Veronica must've turned the movie off and switched over to the television.

I had it all figured out in my mind. She saw me sleeping. She got up and turned the DVD off and probably muted the television so she wouldn't disturb my sleep. And then she curled up beside me and fell asleep.

She's amazing.

I sat there, watching her sleeping form. She looked so peaceful and innocent. And then, without even thinking about it, I reached a hand out and ran it through a strand of her hair, tucking it behind her ear.

Why did I do that? Because she's my friend, that's all. I was just being friendly.

Veronica began to stir. I quickly hopped off of the bed and walked to my closet.

"Lizzie?" I heard her say in a sleepy voice.

It made me smile. Hearing her sleepy voice made me smile.

Why am I smiling like a fool?

"Hey," I said, rummaging through my closet.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for a pair of pajamas."

"Oh. Well, I guess we both fell asleep, huh?"

"I guess we did. Did you turn the movie off and put the TV on?"

"Yep. You dozed off in the middle of it so I just stayed up and watched the rest of it. When it was over, I shut it off and turned the television on but I muted it because I didn't want to wake you. Then I guess I fell asleep, too. Anyway, I loved that movie. I've never seen it before. I'm a huge fan of Ellen Burstyn, too."

"Mmm, really?" I said, still looking for something to wear.

"Oh yeah. She has a considerably large body of work and I have seen most of it. I loved her in 'The Last Picture Show' and 'Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore'. And, wow, 'How to Make an American Quilt' totally blew my mind. Now, she was good in 'The Exorcist', but I felt that her talents weren't being fully displayed in that movie."

I paused and turned to her, a dumbfounded expression taking over my face.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"Nothing, it's just… everything that you know about that kind of stuff – books, movies, actors – it's really cool. I never knew anyone like that. Well, maybe Gordo, but he's not really as into it as you are."

She smiled.

Her vast knowledge of these things never ceased to astound me. It was one of the things that I loved about her. I could've listened to her talk about novels and classic films all night long. I would've fought sleep and stayed up until sunrise to hear her gush over Robert Frost's incredible poetry and Judy Garland's undeniably magical presence in whatever movie she was in.

"I should go put my pajamas on," she said, getting up from my bed and grabbing her backpack.

"Yeah, you do that," I replied, grabbing a long black t-shirt and a pair of blue and gray flannel pants.

-NEXT-

"Uh, Lizzie, what are you doing?"

Veronica was on my bed and I was standing in front of it, lying a blanket out.

"I'm making a bed for myself."

"On the floor?"

"Yeah."

"I thought you said that you and I would be sharing your bed?"

"I did, but I think that would be kind of rude of me. You're the guest and you should have the bed all to yourself."

I grabbed a pillow and threw it down on my makeshift bed.

"I don't think so," Veronica said, crawling to the end of my bed.

"What?"

"You are not sleeping on that floor. You are sleeping up here on the bed."

"Veronica, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it just wouldn't be right!"

Veronica leaned back and patted the empty space beside her on the bed.

"I think this spot is for you, Miss McGuire."

I stared at her. She had a huge smile on her face and her eyes looked as though they were begging me to acquiesce.

I felt my heart pounding in my chest. I could hear the pounding in my ears.

Why does the idea of sleeping in the same bad as her make my heart pound like this?

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am! Besides, it's YOUR bed, remember?"

"Well, okay, if you don't mind."

"I really don't," she said in a slight whisper.

I grabbed my pillow from the floor and tossed the blanket to the side. Then I climbed into the bed next to Veronica, who was pulling my comforter up.

"Go on, snuggle under the comforter, Liz."

Liz.

The way she said it sounded so sweet.

I smiled as Veronica brought one side of the comforter up over my body and wrapped it around me.

"Is that good?"

I nodded.

She is tucking me in.

She covered her feet up with the other side of it and pushed the rest of it off the bed.

"Aren't you going to cover up?"

"Nope. I don't usually sleep with covers on."

"Oh, okay."

"Goodnight, Lizzie."

"Night, Veronica."

I was lying on my side, facing Veronica, who was stretched out on her back, her arms folded over her stomach. The moonlight was shining in through my bedroom window, cascading over her body. I studied her. Her satin white nightgown clung to her body, accentuating every one of her delicate curves. It hugged her breasts tightly, and I remember thinking how perfect they looked. The nightgown was sleeveless, thus leaving her bare shoulders and arms visible. Her skin was a milky color and I remember what it felt like to touch it, to touch her hand; smooth like silk. Her gorgeous hair spilled over the pillow that her head was resting on.

I had an intense desire to reach out and touch her.

I have never known anyone who wore a white satin nightgown. I thought that only sexy, seductive types of women wore them in movies. Sexy and seductive, hm. Maybe that is what Veronica is. She looks so beautiful.

Suddenly, I was hit with shock. It felt as though someone had dropped a ton of bricks on me.

What is wrong with me? What has been going on? What have I been thinking? The moment that I saw this girl, something happened to me. Something big. I have been looking at her and thinking about her in a way that is different from how I look or think about anyone else, including my friends. I always find myself staring at her and thinking that she is beautiful. When I talk to her, I get butterflies in my stomach. I always want to be with her. I want to keep her safe. I want to impress her. I want to know everything about her. And now, here I am, looking at every inch of her body, thinking about how perfect her breasts are and wanting to touch her!

At that, my eyes grew large and I gasped quietly. I looked at Veronica to see if she heard me, but she didn't budge. Her eyes remained tightly shut, and her long lashes fell over her cheeks.

She looks gorg-HEY WAIT!

I quickly rolled over so that I was no longer facing Veronica. Thoughts raced through my mind and images of times with Veronica played in my head.

Could it be? Could I have a crush on a girl?

I felt my stomach twist into a knot.

I can't have a crush on a girl, I can't. I'm straight! I'M STRAIGHT! Oh my god, this can't be real. How did I let this happen? Why is this happening? What am I feeling? No, I'm wrong, it's not a crush. She's just my friend.

I sighed deeply.

No, she isn't just my friend. I never felt this way about a friend before. This is something new that I have never felt before. But it isn't possible. How could I like a girl? I've never liked a girl before. Then again, I've never really liked a guy either, but I'm straight. I'm straight, goddamnit. I'm Lizzie McGuire. I get straight As and I make my parents proud and I'm a good girl and I am supposed to marry a man and have children and live a happy life. This isn't me. This isn't who I am.

A pause.

Or is it? Aren't these feelings part of who I am? But why do these feelings seem wrong? They are wrong. A girl being in love with another girl is wrong. People point and laugh. Your family and friends will hate you. Everyone will hate you.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

I can't like a girl. But it's okay because I probably don't even like Veronica. I'm sure this is nothing. I bet I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. We're just two really good friends, that's all.

The fact that we all lie to ourselves is unbelievable. How we betray who we are and what we feel inside. How we deny ourselves the things that make us happy, the things that we want, the things that we were always meant to have. And, if you had asked me at that time if I would ever be untrue to myself because I was worried of what the world would think, I would've said that that was something I'd never do.

But that's exactly what I was doing; Lying to myself.

-NEXT-

I awoke early the next morning. Veronica was still asleep when I got out of bed, dressed, and fixed myself some coffee in the kitchen. Everyone else was sleeping as well. I listened to the deafening silence of the house and thought of how the rest of the world was sleeping, but there I was, awake.

I padded into the living room and curled up on the couch. With my hand around the handle of the hot mug of coffee, I stared at the pale dawn sky through the window.

I had to get out of bed. I had to get away from Veronica. I had to get away from my feelings.

Why do I feel this way? And if I have convinced myself that it is nothing, why am I so hell bent on getting away from the girl who brings on these feelings?

I took a sip of the brew and swallowed it, feeling the warmth of it going through my entire body.

-NEXT-

"Lizzie," I heard a voice mumble.

I was standing in my bedroom in front of my dresser, looking through a drawer for a pair of socks.

"Uh, yeah Veronica, I'm right here," I said, keeping my back turned.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for a pair of socks."

"Oh. What time is it?"

"Nine."

"Wow. I see that you're up and dressed. How long have you been awake?"

"I don't know," I lied, "A while, I guess."

"Oh. Well, what are we going to do today?"

"Yeah, about that," I said, taking a deep breath and turning to face her. "You have to leave."

She looked confused.

"Huh?"

"You have to leave. My family and I have to go somewhere today, it's this thing – an emergency."

"Oh my god, an emergency? What is it? Is someone hurt?"

"No, no. Well, maybe, I don't know. Look, it just suddenly came up and now you have to go. I'm sorry."

She looked hurt.

"Well, when do I have to leave?"

"As soon as possible."

Her bottom lip began to quiver. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.

"Okay, I'll get dressed and then go."

Slowly, she got out of bed and picked up her backpack.

"I'm sorry," I said to her as she opened the door.

"It's fine," she said, "I'll just go to the bathroom, get dressed, and then go."

She walked out and I collapsed on the bed.

How could I do that?

It was all a lie. No emergency had come up. I just couldn't imagine spending the day with Veronica. I couldn't imagine having to deal with these feelings head-on. I couldn't be around her. I needed to be alone. I needed to figure things out. And it felt like shit. It felt like shit to lie to Veronica, to push her away, to make her leave. But I felt like I had to do it.

-NEXT-

"So…" Veronica trailed off.

"So…" I echoed her words.

We were standing at the front door, saying goodbye.

And it was very awkward.

"Like I said, I'm really sorry about this, but things happen."

"I understand, Lizzie. Really, I do."

I could tell that she knew there was some untruth to this family emergency claim of mine, but she didn't argue or ask questions.

"Well, I'm still sorry. I'll talk to you on Monday?"

She let out a simple, "Mmhm" and looked around, a huge frown on her face. Her eyes were full of sadness.

"I'll see you," I said.

She nodded, turned, and opened the door. Before shutting it behind her, she gave me one last glance and then was on her way.

And I felt my heart shattering.

It hurt to lie to her. It hurt to make her leave. It hurt to hurt her. It hurt to have her gone.

And in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to tear open the door, chase after her, drop to my knees, and beg her to come back inside.

I leaned against the door frame and shut my eyes.

"Lizzie, what's wrong?"

I opened them to see my mother standing there looking concerned.

"Nothing, mom."

"Well, where is Veronica?"

'She had to go home. Something came up."

"Oh well that's too bad. I was going to make you girls breakfast."

"Maybe some other time, mom."

"I hope so. She's a really nice girl, Lizzie."

My mother walked away.

'Nice' doesn't even cover it, mom. She is so much more.