CHAPTER 6: What Sharp Teeth You Have

So I feigned illness and was able to stay home that Tuesday morning. I figured that taking a day off would be fine, that it would help clear everything stored in my head.

Just today. I will stay home from school today and figure this shit out and then go back tomorrow and deal with it.

Oh, but one day wasn't enough.

After spending Tuesday lying in my bedroom and hoping that some sort of solution to my troubles would magically appear, I simply could not muster up enough courage to go back to school.

So the next morning, I managed to produce some Academy Award Winning waterworks in front of my mother.

"What's wrong, Lizzie?" she asked as the tears flowed freely from my eyes.

"It hurts so bad! My body still aches, mom. I don't think I can go to school today."

"Oh no," she gasped, running to me from across the kitchen. She placed her warm hand across my forehead and held it there for a moment or two.

"Well, it doesn't feel like you have a fever."

"I-I don't feel feverish," I stuttered, trying to think of a sickness to diagnose myself with.

Selfish Bitch Syndrome, that's what I have. I wonder what the anecdote is?

"I bet it's the flu, mom," I suggested.

She pursed her lips and nodded.

"You know, I think that's what it is, too. Alright, why don't you go back up to bed and sleep for a while? I'll bring you some soup later on. How about chicken and stars? I know how much you love it!"

My stomach churned. I loved chicken and stars when I was five years old, but now, at seventeen, I realized just how disgusting it truly was. The broth was as thick as paste and wasn't too kind to my digestive system. But I offered her a small smile and said okay. After all, she was an incredible mother and who was I to turn my back on someone who only wanted to care for me?

I did it to Veronica.

"Oh, by the way, Veronica called you last night. You were asleep, but I told you you'd call her back."

I felt myself get a bit excited at the sound of Veronica's name.

"Okay, I'll call her back later."

I didn't plan on calling her back, though.

-NEXT-

I hated my thoughts. All they did was contradict one another and leave me with an excruciatingly painful headache. Why was it so difficult to understand what I felt? I had a multitude of feelings running through me, ones that were foreign and confusing. Did I really have romantic feelings for Veronica? Was I attracted to her? Was it just a phase? Was it right? Was it wrong?

This was torture.

I wished so badly that I could speak to someone about what was going on with me, but who could I confide in? My parents were out of the question because they would go absolutely insane if I said to them, "Dad, mom, I think I like a girl." And my friends? Oh wait, what friends? The only friend I had left was Gordo and though I knew that he was a pretty open-minded guy, I wouldn't have felt right revealing such a thing to him.

So it was just me, all alone. I was walking through a new land in darkness with no compass and only my shadow to keep me company.

And what a scary place I was in.

-NEXT-

"Lizzie, dinner is ready."

"I'm not hungry, dad," I yelled from the hallway.

"Honey, you have to eat. All you had today was some chicken and stars!"

I thought of the bowl of soup that I had dumped in the garbage can after my mother brought it to my bedroom earlier that day.

I snickered.

"Well, do you want us to save a plate for you? It's lasagna."

Eww, cold lasagna.

"Sure, dad. That's fine."

"Okay, kiddo. And before I forget, Veronica called you twice. She asked if you could call her back."

I sighed.

Why does she have to call me? Why does she have to make me deal with this?

"Okay dad, thanks."

"No problem. Now rest up."

And rest up I did. As night fell outside my bedroom window, I curled up into a ball and felt something powerful rising up inside of me. Was it courage? Was it some kind of newfound confidence? Was it certainty?

No, it was sobs. Horrible, paralyzing sobs that wracked my entire body.

I buried my head in my pillow to muffle my cries. This had to end. It felt like two people were playing tug-of-war and I was the rope; Being pulled back and forth, from one side to the other. I was convinced that this torment would last forever and into eternity. Why couldn't I just know? What exactly did my feelings for Veronica mean? Why did I even have to have them? They only complicated things, and I didn't know what to make of them. I was well aware of how society perceived homosexuality. Gay bashings, laws prohibiting gay marriage and gay adoption, people staring at same-sex couples with grimaces and quiet whispers – the world was not a tolerant place.

And then there was me. I always thought that I would find myself a nice man to who would sweep me off my feet. He would ask for my hand in marriage and I would become the blushing bride, teary-eyed and donning a fancy white gown. We would settle down and have babies and all would be well in the world.

But, the more I thought of it, going down that particular road no longer appealed to me.

So what would my future hold then? Where would I go in life?

Who would I love?

Only time would give me the answers to those questions, but one thing I was sure of at that point was that I wanted Veronica in my life. Not being in her presence was killing me.

I just want her.

I found it funny that, up until the previous week, my life had been all about routine. It was simple and boring, but simple nonetheless. I would stumble into each brand new day constantly set on auto-pilot – just going through the motions. It was such a mechanical existence. I never looked forward to anything and struggled to make it through each hour. But then I met Veronica and suddenly, life was good. I wasn't wasting my time just doing things because that is what I had programmed myself to do. I was actually living and loving and having fun.

But she also threw my life into a tail-spin and left me asking myself question after question.

My sobbing had diminished into pathetic sniffles as I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. Shutting my eyes, I imagined that I was an orange being squeezed by a strong hand; the juice pouring out was all my troubles and worries leaving my being.

-NEXT-

I heard the birds chirping and opened up my eyes to see a band of sunlight filtering through my window and hitting the wall beside my closet.

It feels kind of late.

I noticed that it was ten o'clock and found myself rather confused. Surely my mother would've woken me up for school if she didn't see that I was up and ready.

Stepping out of bed, I made my way downstairs. The house was awfully quiet and lacked the usual ruckus of my mother washing breakfast dishes.

I walked into the kitchen to see a note lying on the table.

'Lizzie,

I know that you haven't been feeling well so I just decided to let you sleep and miss another day of school. I went out shopping with Kim and I should be back at around two or three. Call my cell phone or dad's work if you need anything. Get some rest.

Love,

Mom'

Yes! Another day off from school!

I smiled with relief.

-NEXT-

I listened closely to the sound my sneakers made when they hit the pavement. It was an odd sound, one that I never could quite describe.

I had decided to take a walk. It was a nice day, a bit cold, but still nice. I watched as the trees danced to a song carried by the wind, and I wanted to join them in their rhythm.

I didn't have any destination. I was just wandering down the road and giving the day license to take me wherever it wanted to. I didn't want to have any plans or any thoughts – I just wanted my mind to be clear, like a piece of fine crystal.

Spotting a square patch of grass by the sidewalk, I sat down and hugged my knees to my chest. I was in a local neighborhood where the houses and families occupying them were picturesque. There, husbands were faithful, wives baked cookies for the PTA, and you didn't have to lock your doors and windows at night.

It was a little too perfect in my eyes. Nothing in life was perfect. Maybe my burst of cynicism was because of my serious lack of luck in the past, maybe I was a little too jaded for a seventeen year old, or maybe I was trying to cover up the fact that some part of me actually believed life could be perfect.

I had no fucking clue.

-NEXT-

Reclined on the sofa, I was flipping through channels trying to find something to murder by horrible bout of boredom. It was one thirty and my mother would be home very soon.

What was on? Cheesy daytime soap operas, overly dramatic talk shows, and CNN.

I went the 'Overly Dramatic Talk Shows' route, ultimately settling on Montel Williams.

The show that day was about teenage sluts who wanted to get pregnant. A short, beastly girl with frizzy brown hair walked onstage wearing a red halter-top and a black leather mini skirt. Her massive stomach hanged out of her shirt and the fat of her underarms flapped like bat wings as she threw her hands in the air and declared to the booing audience, 'YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"

Her mother sat there crying, "Oh Montel, I don't know what happened to my baby girl! Rachel is only fourteen years old and she has already slept with twenty different men and now she wants to get pregnant!"

I rolled my eyes. How ridiculous were those people? Exposing their humiliation on national television? Did they have no shame?

I clicked the television off and went into the kitchen to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

-NEXT-

"Lizzie, I'm home!"

I ran downstairs when I heard the front door close to see my mother standing there juggling three shopping bags in one hand and two more in the other.

"Here, let me help you."

I ran to the bottom of the stairs and took three of them from her.

"Thank you dear," she said sighing, "But you're sick! You don't need to be doing this stuff."

I shook my head. "Mom! It's okay, really."

She smiled and I followed her into the living room.

"Look at what I got!" she said, grabbing handfuls of clothing from one of the bags.

For the next half hour, she showed me every outfit she had purchased. After holding each piece of clothing up to her body and modeling it for me, she would chirp, "See what bargain shopping can buy you!"

Just when I thought she was finished putting on her Bargain Barn fashion show, her eyes became wide and she pointed her finger at me.

"Oh, I forgot! There is one more thing."

As she leaned down to pull something out of a bag, I rolled my eyes.

Great, this will never end.

She took out a plaid skirt and looked at me.

"I bought this for you."

She handed it to me and, as I held it in my hands, I examined it. It was nice, definitely my style.

"Wow, thanks. I love it."

She was very pleased with my comment and gave me a grin.

"So, how are you feeling?"

"Fine," I replied, "I feel much better."

"Well, that's good. I was really worried about you! But at least you got three days off of school and then an extra day on top of that."

I looked at her, confused.

"An extra day? What are you talking about?"

"Tomorrow, silly. Don't you remember? It's one of those teacher in-service days. There's no school."

Oh yeah, I forgot.

I felt even more relief inside. Not going to school meant not having some kind of confrontation with Veronica, and not having some kind of confrontation with Veronica meant not having to deal with certain issues.

I was beginning to worry about how the lines between dealing with my problems and running away from them were becoming blurry.

-NEXT-

I was sitting Indian-style on my bedroom floor, flipping through pages of the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly when I heard a knock on my door.

My mood was slightly elevated thanks to my long hiatus from school, so I decided to get up and answer the door instead of asking the person knocking to identify themselves.

When I opened it, I felt every nuance drain from my body.

It was Veronica, and she looked miserable.

Her gorgeous auburn hair was carelessly pulled back. There wasn't a spot of makeup on her face and she was dressed in a baggy black hooded sweatshirt with a pair of blue jeans that had stains here and there and were frayed at the bottom. I noticed that her naturally fair skin looked even paler and there were dark bags under her eyes.

"May I please come in?" she asked in a shaky tone of voice.

"Uh, sure," I responded, moving to the side to allow her entrance.

She walked into my bedroom, her head bowed and her shoulders tensed up. I closed the door behind me and she turned to face me.

"What is going on, Lizzie?" she came right out and asked.

I decided to play stupid.

"What are you talking about?"

"You won't even talk to me. You haven't returned any of my calls. You've been absent from school for days and I've been really worried!"

Her voice was quivering and dripping with pain. I could see the tears forming in her chestnut eyes. She looked so hurt and broken.

"I'm sorry about that, but I've been sick. I really wasn't up for talking on the phone."

"Do you hate me?"

"What! No, of course not!"

"You must because the one day you were at school you totally avoided me!"

I felt so ashamed of myself.

"I'm sorry, Veronica. I really am."

She put her head in her hands and began to cry softly. I wanted to go to her, to wrestle with her sadness and come out the champion.

However, I couldn't. I tried to move, but my feet felt glued to the floor and even that felt as though it was disappearing from beneath me.

After a moment, her cries subsided and she raised her head and met my eyes.

"What did I do wrong, Lizzie? Please tell me what I did." I could hear the pleading in her voice.

"You didn't do anything wrong, I swear."

"Well then what is it? Please tell me!"

Her sincerity melted me, turning my body into a giant puddle.

"It's nothing, Veronica."

"YES IT IS GODDAMNIT!"

I was taken aback. I had never heard Veronica raise her voice like that. She was usually very soft-spoken and passive.

I was impressed.

"Do you really want to know?" I asked, walking to my bed and sitting down.

"Yes," she said gently, hovering over me and staring down at me intently.

I was sick of holding it all inside. I felt like a balloon being filled with air and expanding every second until I had reached my limit and was ready to pop. I had to be honest with Veronica and with myself. So, I took the deepest breath I ever took and finally set my unspoken words free.

"Veronica, I think I'm falling for you."