A/N: Hi, I'm new here. This is my first fanfic, but I can't say it's mine since it was co-authored. But the co-author doesn't want her name told, so I'll just call her Harry. This was written in mid-2004, just so you know, and it was written by a couple of immature kids. So excuse the stupidity, even though it was really fun, and it was even more dumb before I revised it.
. arachnaphobe34d
Oh, yeah, the disclaimer: Julia is mine, and Casey is my friend Angela's, (I beg her forgiveness for mangling her character). Everyone else and Polyjuice Potion is J.K Rowling's. I dunno who the Hulk belongs to, not being a fan myself. He was completely random.
1/2-Polyjuice Potion
Gryffindor Common Room
"Harry?" asked Ron.
"Yes?" muttered Harry, who was scrawling out a letter at the time.
"Do you love me?" Instantly Harry knew it was a fan disguised. "I love you," continued Harry's-fan-dressed-as-Ron. Harry rolled his eyes.
"Okaaaay," he muttered, wondering why anyone would think he was that stupid. "You're cute," she said. She must have been smart enough to make Polyjuice Potion, but she was giving herself away.
"Are you Ron?" Harry asked casually.
"Um...yes," said the weird little fan. The Polyjuice Potion was wearing off. She was shrinking and her hair was lengthening and turning blue.
"No you're not," Harry told her bluntly, shutting the book.
"I'm Ron," the girl said even though she was herself again. "Ronaldo!" She didn't even know who she was masquerading as. "Ronaldo Weasel." It was sad.
"Okaaaay," Harry muttered again. The fan giggled. "That's not Ron's name," he pointed out, frowning.
"I mean Ren Weasel," said the girl confidently. Harry tried not to get annoyed.
"No," he huffed.
"What is it then?" she whined.
"You're that irritating Julia girl," Harry informed her.
"No, silly. I'm Ron!" she sounded bright and cheerful, like her pan was infallible. Was she so stupid she didn't even notice the potion had worn off?
"No, you're not," Harry said contemptuously. "And even if you were I wouldn't love you then, either." Ill, he thought to himself.
"Okay, okay!" Julia cried. "I'm Julia! Julia Jinglesnow!" As if this was supposed to be news... And so she left, trying to be dramatic and saying her heart was breaking. Ron came in a little while later.
"Hi Harry, it's me Crabbe!" Ron said. Harry choked on his lemonade. "I mean--." he said as Harry turned to stare. "It's me Ron!" Good lord, why did they all think he was so stupid? "Well, let's chat about our next plan against Malfoy!" Ron/Crabbe practically yelled.
"Er," said Harry.
"Well?"
"Er," said Harry.
"It'll be fun!" Crabbe/Ron squeaked.
"Er," said Harry.
"Who came up with it?" interrupted Crabbe-pretending-to-be-Ron-and-failing.
"Ask Hermione," said Harry. He didn't have time for this.
Out on the Grounds
"Ahem," coughed Ron-who-was-actually-Crabbe. "Hello," he smirked at Hermione. "You," he tried to catch her attention.
"Yeah?" Hermione arched an eyebrow. Crabbe-and-not-Ron arched an eyebrow, too.
"You're cute," he chirruped brightly. Hermione then fell off the bench.
"Are you OK?" Crabbe-unaware that-he'd-just-given-himself-away asked. "Wha--oh! Um, I mean--yes! Yes, it's me Weasley! I--I forgot-- --Um, umm, ummm, hi Minnie. Minnie, is it? No, wait..."
"No," grumbled Hermione, dusting herself off. Boy, was Crabbe stupid or what? "Crabbe," she added.
"No, Crabbe is a cool muscled body builder. I'm Weasley and I'm helpless and skinny. I'm so hot. I mean Crabbe is!" Ron-who-was-so-obviously-Crabbe-it's-pathetic-to-keep-saying-he-was Ron babbled.
"What do you want...?" Hermione hissed.
"Let's chat about our latest plan against Draco!"
"Draco?" Hermione asked. If it hadn't been before, it was now totally obvious who was standing in front of her.
"Malfoy!" Crabbe quickly tried to fix his mistake.
"Uh-huh, well--Crabbe--"
"No, no, I'm Weasley," Crabbe interrupted.
"Uh-huh..." Hermione made it clear that she wasn't buying it.
"I am!"
"Okay, well, the plan is..." Hermione started, wracking her brain for anything. The actual Ron walked by just then. Crabbe tried to obscure Hermione's view of him but Ron stopped upon seeing himself sitting next to Hermione on the bench.
"What the heck--?" he choked. Hermione yanked him to the side and whispered to him.
"Plan. What plan?" Crabbe heard Ron hiss and saw Hermione shrug.
"Okay, here's a plan!" Ron pushed up his sleeve, storming over to Crabbe. First that episode with the killer chickens, then the horrific detention with Snape, and then the poisonous tarantula popping out of his lunch. And now this. There was only so much a guy could take before he had to wreck something. "It's that I punch the first cretin I lay my eyes on and cause severe facial damage. That would be you."
THKWHAM!
Gryffindor Common Room
"Hey, you two," Harry greeted them. They sat down and Hermione took out her homework. "Did you see Crabbe?" Harry asked her in a low voice.
"He blew it at the 'You're cute,'" Hermione rolled her eyes. For some reason Ron hid his face behind a textbook when he heard this.
"'Kay," agreed Harry.
"He's not very subtle. It was so obvious it was him," Hermione continued.
"Duh," agreed Harry.
Out on the Grounds
When Crabbe woke up Draco and Goyle were standing over him.
"What happened to you?" Draco asked, more contemptuously than caringly. However, Crabbe could only seem to remember someone's irritated voice, a blur of freckles, and a fist. He told Draco as much. Draco looked like he was going to laugh.
"You're such an idiot, Crabbe," Draco drawled as he made Goyle pull Crabbe up. They followed him to the Slytherin Common Room, but Crabbe wanted to find Hermione. He ditched Draco and Goyle, then got lost. After running around the castle blindly for an hour, he found Hermione coming out of the girl's bathroom.
"You're so blonde," Crabbe said stupidly. Hermione's long lost evil twin named Casey stared. Crabbe didn't know the difference.
"What are you talking about?" Casey asked, annoyed.
"I mean, it's me Ron, and you were going to tell me the plan against Draco!" Crabbe sat on his knees and wailed. Casey had no idea who Ron was and why she would want to do anything to Draco since she didn't know who he was either. In fact, she wondered what she was even doing in this universe. She had been at a Harry Potter Convention with her obsessed sister and then she'd met those two weird girls who'd been looking for characters or something of the sort. They'd said, "Wow, you look just like Hermione!" Then the curvy-ish curly-haired one had taken out a notebook and the Asian tomboy one had given her a pen, and, suddenly, Casey had found herself in the girls' bathroom wearing the Hogwarts uniform. But whoever this weird guy in front of her was--the Polyjuice Potion had long since worn off--he was hot. Casey's shallow little mind hatched a devious plan.
"The plan, yes! The plan...I'll take my dear...you...on a date," she started. Hemini...wul...tayk...her...der...yu...un...ay...dayt...Crabbe was writing the plan down. His spelling sucked.
"Wait," Crabbe gasped. "Oh, cool!" Then he shut up as Casey continued, "Then, I will take him to a private place..." ...than...chee...wul...tayk...mee...tu...a...
prvit...pillays "...and maybe kiss him..." she batted her eyelashes and tried to look flirty. ...mebbe...kiss...me... Hot mama! he thought. Kiss me!
"But Hermione, I tried to kiss you before! You broke my heart!" He was thinking of the time when he'd tried to kiss Hermione and she'd held up a fish when he'd closed his eyes. Casey's eyes flashed as she realized the Hot Guy had not been after her but someone called Hermione who looked like her. Oh, well, what he didn't know couldn't hurt him.
"I know," Casey mildly stated. "But I won't this time, I promise." Crabbe bought it. "Meet you Saturday, my precious...er, you," the flirtatious Casey said softly, and walked away smiling. Crabbe didn't even notice when Draco whacked his head with a dictionary to bring him out of his happy daze.
2/2-The Disastrous Date
Saturday came.
"Hi Vinnie!" Casey had learned Crabbe's name.
"Hi Minnie!" The two had just met each other in a restaurant in Hogsmeade. "I love you Minnie," Crabbe sighed. "You're so hot."
"Thank you," said Casey even though Crabbe still thought she was Hermione. "That's nice of you."
Nearby, Harry and Ron were froze halfway through a conversation.
"Oh, my, God. Was that Hermione?" Harry whispered.
"Impossible. We left her at the bookstore. She couldn't have come in without us noticing!" Ron whispered back. They both looked behind Harry at where they'd just heard Hermione and Crabbe.
"When did she get makeup on?" Harry asked.
"When did she start going out with Crabbe?" Ron asked. He was pleased to note that Crabbe still had a black-eye from the punch. Hermione walked in to meet them.
Ron had a heart attack.
"What did I do?" she asked as Harry fanned Ron with a napkin.
"It wasn't your fault," Harry pointed towards Casey and Crabbe. Hermione sat down quickly.
"Who's that?" Hermione gasped.
"Your long lost twin?" Harry offered as he splashed water on Ron, who responded by saying, "Ackpft!" and spluttering awake. Suddenly Hermione knew.
"I know!" she gasped. "It must be my long lost twin!" Harry blinked.
"Oi..." he started. "I just said--"
"Casey!" Hermione explained. "Her name is Casey!"
"And how do you know this?" Harry asked. Hermione shrugged.
Then Crabbe got down on his knees and held out a ring. "Will you marry me, Minnie?" he asked.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared.
Hermione's mouth fell open in shock. Harry and Ron burst into laughter.
"Did you see--hear--see--Crabbe just proposed to you, Hermione!" Ron took out a boombox from under the table and had it play wedding music.
"What the heck?" Crabbe asked Casey. "Oh, well--you're marrying me!" Crabbe was ecstatic and Casey was elated.
"This is too funny," Harry exclaimed. Hermione continued staring in shock. Ron gasped, clutching a stitch in his side from laughing so hard, "Oh my God, I'm going to die laugh--" Crabbe ran up to them.
"Guess what?" He was so excited he didn't realize who he was talking to.
"Oops," Harry murmured as Ron forced himself to stop laughing, which only made him laugh harder. Hermione was still staring in shock.
"I'm marrying Minnie!" Crabbe said, then he looked at Hermione, who seemed to be stuck in the same openmouthed shock position.
"Oh, my goodness gracious!" Harry gasped, pretending to be surprised. "What a surprise! Ron, Hermione, look at the time we'd better go!" Hermione wasted no time. Harry grabbed Ron by his collar and dragged him
"Oh, come on," Ron whined.
"No," said Harry flatly, and that was that. They couldn't be caught again. Plus, they were going to watch from that cramped cupboard over there.
"My love, we must plan our wedding!" Crabbe kissed Casey's hand.
"Now?" Casey cooed.
"Yes, now! This is the greatest day of my fifteen years! Wait. Is it fifteen?" Crabbe muttered to himself, trying to count on his fingers. Casey scowled. Here he was, insanely happy because he thought he was marrying that--that--Hermione. Well, she'd cure him of liking Hermione. Somehow. Now, she'd rather enjoy her lovely Crabbe's lovely love. Hermione, Harry, and Ron were now watching from a less noticeable place. A tiny cupboard.
"Why are we doing this again?" asked Hermione.
"It's fun," grumbled Ron sarcastically, who was squished against the wall in an uncomfortable sitting position and bending his neck awkwardly with his head forced against ceiling of the cupboard. "In fact, it's so insanely fun Harry's the only one enjoying it."
"Maybe if Crabbe marries...uh...Casey, they'll move away forever," Harry mused hopefully, but nor seriously, from under a crate of tissues. He was lying flat and Ron was sitting on his feet. Hermione, who was stuck in an uncomfortable position with her foot on Harry's head and the rest of her under Ron's long legs, (that were shoved up against the opposite wall) was not enjoying this whatsoever.
"You are being so immature!" she screeched, clearly beyond annoyance.
"Come on," Harry laughed. "Please?"
"They'll probably live here anyw--" And then Hermione blinked. Oh my God, she thought. If Crabbe really does marry Casey, he'll probably leave me alone! "Okay," she grumbled. "Let's see how this turns out." Crabbe looked at Casey's shirt right then. It said Hi, I'm Casey, not Hermione, my stupid twin, but Casey, who rocks the house unlike Hermione, the stupid twin, because I am the cool twin, Casey, Casey, Casey not Hermione, Casey Not-Hermione Granger, Casey being my first and real name, Not-Hermione being my very true middle name, and Granger being my totally dorky last name, annoying because I have to share it with my stupid twin Hermione who is not me, because I am Casey and not my stupid twin Hermione, who is not me because I am Casey.
Somehow, they had all missed that.
"The only person," Crabbe gasped in shock, "who is cooler than Hermione," Casey's eyes widened, "is marrying me!" He smooched her, and Hermione fumed.
"Cooler? Who says Casey is cooler? I'm gonna get him..."
"I think my neck just gave out," Ron muttered.
"I wuv you pumpkin," Crabbe said, as Casey batted her eyelashes.
"Really?"
"Yes!" Crabbe did his best lovesick expression. Casey shrugged and walked to the door.
"Sorry, darling," she shrugged again. "I'm engaged. To this guy," she opened the door and revealed the Incredible Hulk.
"Who's he?" asked Ron. No one really wanted to explain so they ignored him.
"He's not so strong," Crabbe laughed. The Incredible Hulk ripped Crabbe to pieces. Ron started laughing and Harry stared; Hermione choked.
"Hey, Casey," Harry yelled to her. "Your guy is waiting for you!" The Incredible Hulk picked Casey up and hauled her away to eat her in peace.
"Crabbe," Harry said to the beat up pulp on the floor. "Do you want Casey to like you?"
"Nope," Crabbe's eyes welled with tears. "She has a...a...a...of course I have to admit--" he swallowed a sob. "I miss her! She ditched me for a hunk!" Harry stared at Crabbe, who sighed, and picked himself up. Then he said loudly, "I love all the little people in my life!" with a meaningful glance at Hermione. Then he scuttled away.
"Well," sighed Hermione. "Now that that total idiocy is over, we should get out of here."
They tried.
"Uh-oh," Harry murmured.
"I think I'm stuck," Ron whimpered.
"This is just great," moaned Hermione.
"Let's call for help," Harry suggested.
"And let them find us in this mess? Yeah, right! I, for one, want to keep my dignity!"
Ron informed Hermione of his current opinion on her dignity.
There was a long silence.
"I didn't know our cupboard even knew that word," said the chef..