&The problem with light is that it always must go out. The nature of romance is much the same.&
&My life is more unimaginable in this house than I can even begin to explain. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that love, true fairytale love, exists. Never before could I say that.
There is a warmth in this house that I am not at all familiar with, and a beauty, sweet and light, is in that warmth that I cannot at all understand. I can only assume that warmth, and the beauty within it, is love.
Of course, I cannot be quite sure of this. All I know is that a sense of happiness has settled in my bones. I cannot imagine I should ever be the same again.&
Lily ran her thumb along the center of the notebook, allowing the pages to rumple and then straighten beneath her touch. Half her denim journal had been filled now with her stories, comedic and tragic. She could see the passion, the red-hot emotion, in the pages, and so she wished to feel all that emotion, all of it, all at once within her heart. She imagined such a force would cause her whole body to burst. To Lily, this would be an honorable death.
The lights flickered around her, and she closed the book the book with a soft snap. James was all too heavy in the air to write out her soul. His cologne ensnared her senses, and his joy controlled her mind. All that existed to her was James. He was everywhere. She could not escape him; she really didn't want to.
She flung one of the bed's larger pillows over her head as if to hide herself from him. And then she sighed.
She wasn't really sure when it had come to pass, or how it had done so, but James had come to be the only constant in Lily's life. She wasn't used to such a presence, and in truth, it frustrated her in the depths of sleepless nights, but at the same time, she never wanted him to leave her. She couldn't explain the feeling. It was if her heart had splattered onto a dozen jagged rocks from high up in the heavens. If that were so, he would be the sun, ever calling her to wake up, his voice almost hoarse with silence. What it came down to was that James was hers and she was his. That fact was inescapable. He was her first love, and she had come to believe she was his as well. She believed herself unable to forget him.
"Lily, guests'll be arriving in an hour," he warned her from his slouching place in the doorway.
She nodded her head, hoping he would understand. &Yes,& a simple answer that she just couldn't allow herself to say. She could not speak. She felt entrapped in him. She felt cold and entrapped. It was all so simple, and yet so intensely complex. She couldn't walk away from James Potter, and yet it was all she could imagine herself doing.
"Are you gonna go?"
She nodded once again in reply.
James, himself, nodded as well. Smiling at her, the girl with long red hair and a beautiful face almost hidden beneath a lacy, white pillow, he said one more word. "Good,"
Once again, she did not reply. She only allowed him to lie down against her petite form, and smile in content. Lily curled up into his warmth.
"You really should get up."
Lily sighed, letting her mind overcome her pride. She pulled the pillow off of her head and gave him a more distinguishable nod. "Yeah," she said. "I know,"
He smiled, flattening himself more to be at her level. "Lily, do you want to go?"
She shrugged. "I guess. I fancy myself one for trying new things."
"Ahhh," he replied with a intoxicating grin. His eyes were lit up with a mischievous air and his face shone with a dulled joy. "You've never been to a Potter Ball. I had forgotten."
"Well, as you had forgotten, I believe now you have remembered, it is the time for you to clue me in on whatever ghastly rituals that are to take place this evening, and if we are to be allowed alcohol."
"You didn't tell me you were into the booze and snooze crowd. You'll find a few kindred spirits tonight."
Lily smiled. "Very funny,"
"And do any of these 'ghastly rituals' of yours include you, me, and your very pretty bed, 'cause if they do, I'm game." James' grin became evermore striking.
Lily tried did not answer for a moment. She had expected this topic to come up some day. However, she had expected more of a serious tone to the conversation, and she had most certainly planned it to be much further into the future. Although she knew that sex with James would be beautiful, she was tired of the pain one night with Alex had caused her, still was causing her. She wasn't ready to give that part of her to James Potter. She couldn't take anymore pain. She sighed and answered, "I believe they would then include a charge of rape, Potter." She tried to grin, as if she was joking, but he already knew that she wasn't.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
Lily nodded once more. "Don't you always?" she asked with an ironic smile. She inhaled, and exhaled, and then blinked twice. "James, I think you should go. I need to get dressed. Like Sirius said, I can't go to a Potter Ball in rags. It's unsuitable."
"Sirius?"
"Yeah, he and I talked a few days back. Now go."
"Yeah, alright,"
James left the room, and yet Lily couldn't help but feel a hesitance in his movements that was not normally there. He looked as if he wanted to say something that he couldn't put into words. At once, Lily's mind filled with glee. Love. James was in love with her. That was it. That was the only solution she could deduce.
With a light heart, Lily began to dress for the ball.
It was half past seven that evening that Lily made her way down the Potter's grand staircase into the ballroom. The room looked magnificent through her emerald eyes. Never before had she enter the ballroom, nor had she heard a single utterance of its beauty, but as the room more fully entered her vision she saw the room to be an ethereal wonder from a dream. The air seemed to sparkle in a blue haze, and fairies gave magic to the thoughts of strangers, sealing the ballroom with a sort of impish link of life. It was as if the whole room was tied into the joy and happiness of the Potters. Laughter rang heavenly within the very walls, and Lily felt as if no wrong could ever be done to her.
A tall wizard, possibly from Spain, bowed to her, announcing her name as she gracefully treaded onto the landing of a second staircase. Young witches, recognizing her name, turned to point at her as discretely as possible and whisper into the ears of friends and beaus. Wizards like James, albeit without his elegant perfection, looked on regally, smiling with a distant warmth of kind foreigners. Brenna Potter rushed over encircling Lily in a lady-like hug and squealed.
"Oh, Lil, I hoped you had returned from wherever my wretched son led you. There are so many people you must meet! Did James tell you that the Minister is here? The Minister! Of course, she comes every year, but with all the chaos these days, I figured she wouldn't have the time." Brenna's smile darkened. "But Lily, first I need to know where James is. He disappeared some time ago, and- oh, what am I telling you this for? You went with him!- I haven't seen him since breakfast. Lily, his absence could hurt his career. It is mandatory that he make an appearance."
Lily nodded, slightly put off by the magnitude of James' responsibility. His dreams were to be put off by that of his parents, she'd know that long enough to be able to accept his fate. However, his lack of even the least bit of freedom saddened her. She couldn't understand it; she didn't want to.
Brenna sighed, her perfectly cheerful façade slipping slightly as she laid two fingers to her apparently throbbing temple. A pensive look overcame her features, a look Lily recognized so well in James. Brenna no longer seemed herself. The woman's sparkling eyes, James' eyes, looked almost dull and not nearly as beautiful. Her posture was not quite as upright as usual, and Lily might have said she was slouching. She looked older, and much more wise.
And she looked hopeless.
Lily knew of hopelessness, perhaps better than any other of the children that resided in the Potter ballroom. It was like desperation that could not be quenched, a burning coldness, not quite apathy and not quite depression. In that moment, Lily no longer strived to be Brenna Potter because Brenna seemed all too much like herself. The muted eyes. The icy skin. The lonely figure. For that instant, and that instant alone, Lily wanted more than she could ever have, ever dream or having, because even perfection, Brenna Potter's perfection, didn't seem to be enough.
"I'll look for him," said Lily.
Brenna looked up at her with her sad, dreary eyes. "Oh, will you?"
"I promise, to my death, that he'll be here tonight." She shook a bit of ruby hair from her eyes. Ad-libbing a bit, she continued. "I promise he'll be here, and he will make a speech to the entire ball on his appreciation of their attendance and his of regret at his tardiness." She gave a little smile and a nod. Mrs. Potter's show of misery was too hard for Lily's eyes to take in. All she wished for was a smile. "Alright?"
Mrs. Potter slowly brought her hand away from her forehead, looking confused. She inhaled, and then exhaled, and then she blinked. Once more, she looked like personified precision.
"Alright," she smiled. "I must find that vile band. They were due to strike up an hour ago! Muri says they're popular, Newt's Eye that is, but no one seems to know a thing about them. But I'm sure they will be wonderful- if I ever find them." She gave Lily another smile, this one more resolute, and then swept off in the direction of the bandstand.
Lily didn't understand.
Shaking off her confusion in the best way possible, a butterbeer from the table behind her, Lily turned back towards the stairs. Slowly, she began her ascent.
Three minutes later, Lily stepped outside of the Potter mansion into the cold April night. The icy air hit her relentlessly, and while she could not feel the cold through her enchanted dress, the air felt just as harsh. She pressed her back into the warm, oak door.
Despite the chill, the night was magical as always, if not more so. Fairies, ones even lovelier than the ones residing in the ballroom, lit the night, the stars, though unnecessary to light the way, shone in all their brilliance, and Lily felt, for once, as if Easter really did bring miracles.
She wasn't sure where in the world she would ever find James. The night was his. However, it seemed only sensible to search the gardens. Besides, the night was much too beautiful for Lily to miss.
She wandered the gardens and into the bushes that formed a small maze. The magic of the flowers intrigued Lily. She had never before seen anything like it. It wasn't brutal or violent, nor was it sweet or welcoming. It was much deeper that that, much more complex: it was divine.
Within every bush lived a few dozen fairies, and upon every branch were a few dozen alabaster blossoms. Lily had never seen a gardener on the property of the Potter family, nor did she understand what sort of gardener would &work& under the freezing conditions of that particular winter. Such a garden could only have come from a dream, a beautiful, remarkable dream.
A loud, cruel rustling interrupted her thoughts.
"How much?" a voice demanded.
"Oh, I dunno. It's all quite valuable, you know. Some very rich people would pay some very big sums for these pictures."
Teeth seemed to audibly grind into Lily's ear. "I said," the first boy began. "&how bloody much?&"
The second male snorted his conceit. "I got to go, Potter; I have a ball to attend." There was more rustling and then a loud snap and a muffled curse word. "I wouldn't think it over too much. You wouldn't want your mommy to worry her pretty little head. Ta."
As the boy rounded the corner closets to her, Lily flung herself into the bushes. It was the last thing she wanted to be caught spying on Lucius Malfoy, for the second voice was, indeed, Lucius. His renowned snow-white hair had, for once, betrayed him.
"Sirius, how much is this going to cost me?" James Potter asked of his closest friend. He sounded, strangely, frantic, as if his world was crumbling beneath him and his life depended on his question's answer.
"Truthfully, mate?"
James gave no reply.
"Five hundred," Sirius told him, his voice as bold and honest as Lily had ever heard it.
"&Galleons?&" There was more rustling and then James continued. "Where the hell am I going to get five hundred galleons.?"
"He could get more."
"Fuck," said James.
"And the girl,"
"Lily? What about her?"
Lily could not help herself. Upon hearing her name, she crawled out of the bushes into the shadows of a large, open space in the maze that she subconsciously assumed was the heart. Her hands were scratched and she could feel cold blood coming to rest on them, yet she hardly noticed the scratches, nor that her hair had come undone in the wind. Her attention was entirely focused on the mysterious events taking place before her. And so her unkempt appearance was unseen to all eyes. Momentarily.
James sat on the large, ornate bench at the center of the conversation's meeting place. His head had fallen into his hands and his fingers seemed to move thoughtlessly though his raven hair.
Sirius looked down at James, pity in his eyes. "James, you've got to give her up. She's bad for you, mate."
"Bullshit! You've seen her; she's gorgeous. I'm ¬& giving her up."
Sirius straddled the bench in frustration. "Too gorgeous. And too smart. She's a prude, James. Get over her."
James didn't answer.
"Malfoy wants her. And Fudge wants you-"
James snorted and shook his head, looking up to meet his friend's eyes. A faint smile clung to his face. "Dead. He wants me dead."
"Don't be so dramatic. Your parents want you dead."
"My parents want me powerful."
"Same thing."
James raised an eyebrow and then let his melancholy eyes fall back down to his hands. His hair looked more rumpled than normal and he looked tired, dead tired. As if his soul was worn out. "I'll get rid of her."
Sirius nodded sadly. "Good,"
Lily let out a shaky breath, trying to block of the rest of the conversation, but the breath turned into a sob. And the sob turned into several sobs because she thought James Potter loved her.
Apparently not.
Everything was breaking, everything Lily kept dear. Her entire life felt like glass that had been shattered into water. Every moment reflected another moment and any other consistency disappeared. All the lies that had been quilted together into happiness over the past months seemed to fall away, only to reveal more lies.
So Lily fled, not knowing where. She ran onward until she night met her and the Potter mansion seemed far, far away. It was dark and she was alone, yet she didn't really mind. Even entrapped in the breath-taking winter wind, she felt warmer than she could ever remember feeling. She felt free and she felt as if she was on fire, as if every word and every memory of James was being burned with hatred. She felt good. And she felt lonely.
Letting out an intense sigh from somewhere deep inside her thoughts, she settled herself down upon the ground and she waited.
"I want it to be May," she told herself. "I want it to be always May."
A/N: That was the end of chapter ten as well as the end of the story's first half. Thank you's go out to everyone who reviewed.
I would especially like to thank
lOvEiNhEaVeN
Vicious Pixie
Jillee257
for putting me on their favorite authors lists. It really encouraged me.
I'd also like to those of you who added me to their authors alert list.
To MelissaMarie: you really changed this entire story for me. Deconstruct, A Memoir is probably my favorite Harry Potter fanfiction I have yet to read. It is completely entrancing. To have one's writing copared to that of their favorite author (fanfiction author in this case), well, it's very inspiring.
I am so entirely elated that I have recieved 20 reviews. It may not seem like much but that was all I wanted- 20 reviews for 20 chapters, and so far, I've only written the first ten.
For everyone that put this story on their favorites list, I find you either very stupid or very incredible people. I didn't expect anyone to put it on their favorites list.
Thank you to everyone else who is not among the people mentioned above but has read, or is reading, this story anyway, thank you so much.
You've all made me happy, really. So I'll stop rambling now and get to work on the next chapter.
Thank you and goodnight.