09 Tiny Steps
"If you would like to take a seat, Ma'am, Lieutenant Burlington will be down to get you in a few minutes." The female officer behind the main desk smiled at Susan, and she wondered whether the reason why she was here was known to anyone. She had no idea herself, the journey from the hospital had been undertaken in total silence, and Susan hadn't liked to ask questions of the officer who had accompanied her.
The station was very busy, and as she watched the comings and goings Susan tried not to worry about the fact that she was one of the comings. She had sat quietly for about ten minutes before anything significant happened and then her eye was caught by a tall, dark haired woman, very smart and obviously efficient, walking towards her and she waited, her palms suddenly sweating, and her breathing rapid.
"Miss Hilliard?"
The trip to the detective's office hadn't taken long and she found herself sitting in a very comfortable chair, the room was relaxed in atmosphere and well furnished and, despite herself, she began to calm down just a little.
The very first sentence out of the detective's mouth however, reversed those feelings and she was instantly on the defensive, tense and nervous.
"I will be recording this conversation; I hope you have no objection to that."
"No, no, none at all." Did she? Should she have? Susan had no idea, but if she cooperated with whatever it was that was happening then she could leave. Good grief, could she leave, she hadn't been arrested had she? "Am, am I under arrest?"
"No, Ma'am, I just need to speak with you." There was a moment's silence while the two women sat, one feeling the increased pressure all around her, while the other provided it.
"Now, do you recognise this letter?" The voice was suddenly formal and severe, and the plastic bag that was held up, containing the note she had sent to Jesse, caused an ice-cold shiver to run down her spine.
"I'm not sure." She was sure, but she didn't know what to do about it. "Can I touch this?"
"I am keeping this as evidence, but I have a copy, you can look at that." A piece of paper was slid across to her and Susan looked at it, mutely, before raising her head and nodding slightly.
"Could you please speak your answer for the recording, Miss Hilliard?"
Susan jerked her head up, and Jan saw fear written all over her face. "I … I'm sorry. Yes, I recognise it."
"Do you want to tell me why you sent it?"
There had been no point in denying that she had indeed sent it, although if she did so it might give her time to frame an answer, instead she sat there, in silence, until the Lieutenant spoke again.
"Miss Hilliard, do you deny that you sent this to Doctor Jesse Travis?"
"No, Ma'am, I don't deny it." Susan looked down; suddenly she had a feeling her good intentions were being misconstrued.
"So why did you send it, can you tell me that?"
Again she was silent, and this time so was the woman the other side of the desk. The only noise to be heard clearly was the ticking of the clock in the office, but Susan could also hear the muffled noises of a police station running itself. There were phones ringing, the buzz of conversations, laughter, the hum of fans rotating and for a moment she let her eyes wander and looked into the squad room behind her.
The sound of a throat being cleared made her turn again, and she knew that she had to give an answer.
"I … I was concerned, I knew he wouldn't listen to me, talk to me face to face, I'd already tried that, so I wrote this instead."
"I see, and you didn't think that sending this type of letter, kissing him in public, calling him over and over on his cell phone, sometimes talking sometimes not, would concern him?"
"No, no, why should it? He knows me, knows that I love him."
"No, Miss Hilliard, what he knows is that you are stalking him …"
"What?" She tried to cut in, stalking, she had never stalked anyone in her life, but she wasn't given a chance to defend herself before the detective continued talking.
"If you would please let me finish. Sending someone unwanted gifts, threatening letters, dead calls, those are the actions of a stalker, Miss Hilliard, which is a very serious offence."
"I … I swear, I wasn't stalking him … at least I didn't think I was. I just wanted things to be back like they were before … before I went away."
"I see, and how long ago was it that you went away?"
The detective was making notes now, her pen flying across the page and Susan swallowed deeply before continuing.
"About um eight years." Had it really been that long?
"Eight years is a long time, things change in far shorter periods, as I am sure you are aware."
Again notes were taken and then, laying the pen down first, Jan Burlington looked up and began to talk once more, her voice taking on an even more serious tone than before.
"Your actions are causing the Travis family great concern, and they have asked us to intervene on their behalf." Jan paused; she hoped that what she was saying would have a serious effect on the woman in front of her. So far she seemed both horrified and scared and the police officer wondered whether Jesse had been right, she really hadn't realised how her actions would be viewed.
"I would suggest that you keep you distance from Doctor Travis, his wife and their children. I don't wish to threaten you, Miss Hilliard, but if you don't do so, then the doctor will take out a restraining order against you." Again she paused, this time for effect.
"My God, a restraining order? Why would he do that? It's that woman, his wife, she suggested it!"
"No, Miss Hilliard, it has nothing to do with Mrs Travis, he would do that because he feels intimidated by your actions. In fact, I suggested that he take one out immediately, but he wanted me to speak with you first, wanted you to have the chance to back off on your own. So, if you love him as much as you say, I would suggest that you do as Doctor Travis wishes and back off before you find that I am arresting you."
ooo
"Jo, can you hear me, Jo?" Mark's voice was anxious and that did nothing to help Steve relax. He'd stepped back as his father had seen Jo close her eyes, and now, although he wanted nothing more than to look at his child, he couldn't move from the spot and position he held.
"Mmmm, what?" the sound, the most wonderful he had heard in a long time, spurred him into action, and looking around he searched, in vain, for his baby.
"Doctor?"
"Yes, Lieutenant?" Tabitha smiled, but it was forced, and Steve's heart, which had just begun to beat normally again, almost stopped.
"What happened to …" he couldn't say it, couldn't finish the sentence, "Dad?"
"Son, you know your baby is very small, but right now we just need to cut the cord, then you can have your cuddle. You can go to the NICU too y'know."
"No, Mark … Steve." Jo's voice, although faint was suddenly insistent, and concerned her father-in-law looked down at her.
"Honey, shhh, you'll see your baby too, in a minute."
"Lieutenant, would you like to cut the cord?" Doctor Isherwood's voice although soft was urgent and he looked up and shook his head.
"No, thank you. Dad, we decided, we want you to do that, please."
Mark had no words and so, nodding instead, he gave Jo's hand another squeeze and then moved off to do the task entrusted to him and, with tears in his eyes, he welcomed his first baby grandchild into the world.
ooo
"Well, Detective, we haven't seen each other for a little while, how are you getting on with this case? It appears to me that you are finally making some progress." Rae was sitting across the desk from her boss, she had waited a little over ten minutes and now, after he had apologised for the delay, he was getting down to business.
"Yes, Sir, I wish I had made this kind of progress after the first killing, but at last we have a picture we can use, we have a witness who saw him with the last victim and can place him at the murder scene. I have an idea as to motive, but he is such a screwy guy that I could be way off."
"Oh I doubt that, Detective, I doubt that very much." The Chief smiled his sardonic smile and Rae felt, to her horror, a blush spread up her face.
"Um, thank you, Sir." She looked down at the folder in her hands, and suddenly feeling awkward held it out to her boss. "Did you want to see any of the current information?"
"Yes, Detective, thank you." John Masters took the file and laid it on the desk in front of him. He opened it and for the next few minutes looked through the neatly typed and filed details.
"Very interesting, and very well documented, thank you, Rae." The folder was closed and passed back across the desk, and then after a moment's pause he spoke again. "I … I have a week's vacation booked for the end of next month." Again he paused, and this time Rae had to fill the void.
"I see, Sir, I hope you have a pleasant time. Are you going somewhere nice?"
"I am taking my son and grandson to Florida to the theme parks." He looked up, feeling a little embarrassed, and more than a bit surprised at his openness, to see his officer smiling broadly at him.
"Oh, Sir, that's wonderful, I'm sure you will have a great trip." Standing up Rae watched the chief do the same and then saw the two photo frames on the desk in front of her, one of his wife, and another of his two oldest children. He had lost all three of them in tragic circumstances, but now, finally, he had a chance at happiness again, and Rae was delighted that he seemed to be grasping it with both hands.
With one final smile Rae made her way to the door of the office and, as she left, turned slightly to see her boss, now sitting back down again, relaxed, not as totally as anyone else, but far more than she had ever seen him before, and the smile stayed with her all the way back to the squad room.
ooo
Steve had watched as his baby was measured and weighed before being wrapped in a blanket and placed inside a wheeled incubator unit. Now he was torn, did he go with his child, or stay with his wife? Looking around he realised that if he stayed he would be in the way. Jo would need medical attention, so would his child, but suddenly he realised that there was no way he could let the baby go without him.
Baby, they hadn't told him and with a deep breath for courage he spoke. "Dad, the baby, is it a boy or a girl?"
Mark had smiled, and moved his son closer to the tiny form lying in the enclosed incubator and for a second his gaze just rested on the small face framed with dark hair. "Steve, Son, this is your son."
"Jo, Honey, did you hear, we have a son, two sons now." He stopped speaking, watching as the nurse nearest to the door began to wheel the unit out into the hallway.
"Sir, are you coming with us?"
"Yeah, in a minute, I … I know where to go." The doors closed on his words and then he turned back to his dad.
"If the baby had been a girl, we would have called her Catherine Anne, they were my choices. Jo, well Jo wanted a neutral name, for a boy, something that didn't have memories attached for his first name, no familial ties, and … and well the second and third names, they are for people she needed to show how much she loved. I hope you understand." He felt awkward all of a sudden; he had wanted Mark, but could appreciate his wife's reasoning, and had accepted her suggestions.
"Son, this is your child, if you wanted to call it Caractacus Potts I would go along with it. Not enthusiastically, I'll admit, but I would respect your decision. So, what are you two going to call your son?"
Mark had moved Steve back across the room, guiding him as he seemed unable to move unaided right now, and they were back at the blunt end, and Jo, although groggy and having trouble focussing, reached up and took her husband's hand in her own.
Steve looked to her for confirmation that it was ok to carry on speaking and then began again. "We are gonna call him Jayden, Jayden Daniel Michael Sloan."
Jo smiled as she heard the names, the first one, a name she had always loved, and the other two, one her first son, someone who would be, she hoped, an example as well as a loving brother to their child, and the other her brother, a man she had always loved, but now knew was her kin as well. Those three names together seemed right to her, and as the darkness beckoned her again she felt the loneliness and devastation of David's death finally leave her.
ooo
Rae figured that she had been back at her desk no longer than ten minutes when she answered her phone and was on the move again.
Amanda had left a message with Cheryl that had been passed over, but hidden and if her friend hadn't called again Rae knew that she would have spent the remainder of the afternoon in the squad room.
As it was, she was now driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, unfortunately not towards the beach, and turning into a depressingly dark and dingy part of the city.
The parking lot was directly behind a social club for World War Two veterans and there were, she guessed, about thirty cars parked in it. There was also a coroner's wagon, two black and whites and Amanda's family SUV. Bringing her own vehicle to a halt as close to the action as she could Rae climbed out and was amazed at the ferocity of the mid afternoon heat.
"Hey, sorry. I didn't mean to rush you, but you normally respond so quickly, I had a feeling maybe the message didn't get passed on." Amanda looked up apologetically and then smiled at her friend. "Did you hear from the hospital yet?"
"No, nothing. Jesse called while I was in with the Chief, so I know she is having a caesarean, probably right now. I just hope everything goes ok for them."
"Yeah, me too. You know no more than I do. So, I guess we'd better concentrate on this instead."
"Gee, thanks. What've you got?"
"White male, mid sixties was my original guess, but I think he must be late seventies, look at this." Amanda pointed to the arm of her victim and Rae could see a set of numbers tattooed there with a triangle preceding them.
"Oh my, I've never seen one up close before. He was at Auschwitz right?"
"I don't know which camp he was at, but he was a prisoner of war, no doubt about it."
"No, it would be Auschwitz, he would have been sent there for his religion, or maybe because he was a gypsy. He would be described as a concentration camp survivor, and Auschwitz was the only place which did those tattoos, and they carried it on right up until the camp was liberated." Rae shivered. "He survived so much horror, only to die in a dismal parking lot, life sucks."
"Yeah, I guess it does." Amanda paused, watching as her friend composed herself before speaking again.
"So, white male, late seventies, because I don't think they tattooed children but I'll need to check that. Taken from behind and killed by a single knife wound across the throat."
"Doesn't anyone kill any other way any more?" Rae shook her head, all the murders she was investigating right now were deaths caused when their throats were cut.
"Do we have any identification? Any money, wallet, car keys?"
"Nope, nothing. I wouldn't have thought robbery was a motive myself, but I guess it could have been. I'm about to go back with the body; do you want to get a picture before I do? Maybe try the club over there for ID?"
"If you can get it without the blood, yes please." Rae nodded her head as she spoke and then waited as one of the photographers took a picture with a Polaroid camera.
"There you go, Detective, that do you?"
Rae waited a moment or two as the image came up before her. "Yeah, great, thanks." Rae looked at the face, it was lined, and weather beaten, but she had to admit that, in death at least, he didn't look his age. Then with a shake of the head, and feeling every day of her own age and more, Rae slid the picture into her pocket, forced herself into police mode, and began to take crime scene notes of her own.
ooo
The water was hot, hotter than, as a nurse, she would recommend anyone bathing in, but it suited her needs right now and so, with a slight intake of breath, Susan slid into the foaming depths.
Easing the soft inflatable pillow behind her head Susan let her mind float back and she was in the main entranceway to the station once more.
The conversation at the police station earlier in the day had been a nightmare and the fact that Jesse thought she was stalking him had shocked her deeply. The realization that he had involved the police though had frightened her into analysing herself and she hadn't liked what she found. She knew now that not only had he been correct but also if nothing had been said she would have carried on sending little notes, small gifts, maybe even big gifts, and it could have escalated, and that, more than anything else, scared her to death.
Jan Burlington had suggested that she see a therapist, and Susan had, at the time just nodded her head, too numb to really take in the suggestion and act upon it. The officer though had given her the name and address of a woman who had no connection whatsoever with Community General Hospital, she had also offered the use of her phone to arrange an initial appointment and again, numbly, Susan had acquiesced.
The appointment had been another revelation, but this time in a more positive way. The fact that the doctor had been free that afternoon had been the first surprise; the second had been that she had actually relaxed a little. As they had talked the atmosphere had changed, Susan had felt able to confide in the doctor, whose name was Marion Schweitzer, and by the end of the session had been relieved to hear that the prognosis was extremely good.
"I think that this is more a case of you being unable to move on than a serious stalking situation. Expand your horizons; take big steps instead of baby ones. You need to look for new challenges and contacts, not rely on the old ones."
"I … I don't know what you mean." She had been confused and must have shown it because the doctor, a tall, athletic looking woman with dark brown wavy hair had leant forward a little over her desk, placed her elbows down in front of her, and rested her chin on her hands
"Look at your life now and then compare it to before you went away. From what you have told me very little has changed. You are living very close to where you lived the last time you were here, working at the exact same hospital as before, and trying to get back with the man you left behind. In your mind nothing has changed, but that isn't the case is it?"
"No." The word had been a whisper, "But why can't I just take up where I left off?"
Marion had smiled then, but Susan could see that it was a sad smile, "Because life isn't like that. You need to grow, to get on with your life the best way you can, but going backwards isn't the way to achieve it. These people …" The doctor had looked down then to double check the names, "Jesse, Steve, Mark." They aren't the same friends you had when you were here last. Jesse, especially, his life has changed and, for him, it is for the better."
"No, that's not true. He has suffered, been hurt, I checked the papers, went to the library, and looked in the archives, that… that woman almost got him killed." She had stopped talking as she had seen something; she wasn't sure what, in her therapist's eyes.
"Susan, he is still with that woman as you call her, she is his wife, and I too know what has happened, from the papers, from the TV news, their names are familiar to me. You cannot split apart a couple that don't want to be separated. They have been to hell and back and they are still together. Nothing that you do is gonna change that, all it will do is damage the memories he has of you, and by carrying on the way you are, you will become a serious stalker. You aren't one yet, let's keep it that way."
"I … I never saw it as stalking, I just wanted to help out, to change things which were wrong or dangerous couldn't he see that?"
"I realise that you think you were only warning Doctor Travis, but I have to say that if I received notes like the ones you sent I would be seriously alarmed. It sounds like the groundwork is set to snatch the children that this is the last chance he has to protect his daughters before you intervene."
"I would never hurt anyone, least of all a child; I can't believe that he would think that of me."
"He would think that of you because eight years have passed, you disappeared out of his life, then just arrived back in it, no forewarning, you were gone, and then you were back. In that time, as I know you realise, he has had a traumatic life, I don't know all the details, but I read the papers, I have seen that he has been injured, feared dead, his wife has been jailed, as well as kidnapped, and his daughter was also taken, if that had all happened to you, how do you think you would react to your warnings?"
Her shame and humiliation had been complete at that moment. She had truly never intended to appear a risk to any of the Travis family, least of all the two small girls and their father.
The image of Jesse came up in her mind and Susan smiled. He had always had the ability to make her tingle from head to foot, his cute smile, those eyes, and his cheerful demeanour improved her mood and outlook on life however bad she was feeling. Gradually though she began to realise that the image she saw was the Jesse of their time together, not the Jesse of today and that he, like Marion said, had changed.
The eyes, the humour, the smile, they were still the same, although maybe not, he was careworn, it was apparent that he wasn't as free and easy as he had been. He was older too, probably wiser, and he wasn't the same man she had loved. By the same token she was no longer the same woman either and she had to begin to accept both things, life had scarred them, and it had been her who had walked away in the first place.
Pushing the images those thoughts evoked away Susan allowed herself the luxury of imagining what life would be like if she hadn't left. She had no doubt that she and Jesse would have married, she would have given up work to raise their children, a mom should be at home for her family. Four, she always wanted four children, and she would have given Jesse a son, no doubt about that. Beverly Hills wouldn't have been an option, but he was a doctor, and had the potential to be very successful in private practice, they might even have lived by the beach at Malibu.
Their life would have been that of a young up and coming couple, golden in appearance and prospects. The children, Susannah, Jesse, Stephanie and Mark would all be blue-eyed blondes and as cute as their dad. They would have a cabin in the hills, she would be on the PTA, do the school run in a deep blue BMW, keeping the top down all the way home to their immaculate house, with a beautifully kept front yard. There would be a dog too, a Labrador, golden of course, a golden dog for a golden couple, with golden children.
"Stop it! You cannot do this, you have got to get a life, a real life!" Susan shook the thoughts away; they could have no place anywhere but in her heart now. A tear surprised her as it made its way down her cheek, and she realised that these thoughts, the ones she could no longer allow herself to have, were the very ones which had kept her going, helped her keep sane, when she had been in the Middle East, and when she had first arrived back in LA, lonely and afraid.
The shock she had felt when the female detective confronted her with the letters was coming out now, and Susan climbed out of the bath, dried quickly and shrugged herself into a comfy pair of pyjamas before climbing into bed to keep herself warm.
For a few moments she closed her eyes and tried to gain control of herself. Jesse had been her strength, her rock, even though he never knew it and now she had to start again without him and fear gripped her heart as she realised that she wasn't sure if she could do it.
ooo
The NICU was quiet and very warm. The sounds of monitors bleeping reassuringly and whispered conversations seemed to blend together to make a peaceful almost contradictory backdrop to the sight of small babies fighting for their very lives.
Steve had told the nurse on duty his son's names and now Jayden had a little blue card on the front of his crib along with a blue band around left ankle. He couldn't believe how small the child was, and how big Jo had seemed. Although he would never have said anything, valuing his life far too much, she had been a waddling mountain the past few weeks and he had thought she had a good few weeks to go. This little mite though, so tiny, so dependent on technology to survive, looked like he could fit in a shoe box.
As he stood there he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked round to see his father smiling at him.
"Hi, Dad."
"Hi, Dad, yourself. He's beautiful, Steve." Mark could see the different lines leaving his grandson's little form and looking at his own son began to explain some of them.
"He has been given some surfactant to help his lungs develop; they need a bit more help before he can breathe totally unaided."
"Is that what that little nasal canular is for then?" Steve pointed as he spoke and was amazed at how big his hands had suddenly become.
"Oh very good, I'm impressed, we'll make a doctor's son out of you yet! Yes, that's what it's for. It isn't breathing for Jayden, but it is helping him some." Mark smiled as he said his grandson's name for the first time. "The official diagnosis would be RDS, respiratory distress syndrome, but it is totally treatable, and he is being given that treatment right now."
"Isn't that what Eliana had? But she was older, well, older than Jayden, when she was born, and it was after that when that woman took her."
"It's similar, I won't lie to you, it could mean your son will have asthma, but that's not a given." Mark smiled and then continued. "Steve, he's small, he shouldn't be here yet, but he will get the best of care, and for his age I am very pleased with his condition."
"Look." Steve's word was a whisper and, as father and son stood together, the small child in front of them moved his hand, flexed his fingers and then was still again, and in that split second although they both already loved him unconditionally he captured both their hearts totally.