14 A Mother's Love
By the time Rae got back to her desk she was disheartened and discouraged. The Hardy family had seemed so close, so in tune with each other, that she had been sure something would come from meeting with them. In the end though all she was left with was an uncomfortable realisation that, in her opinion, no matter how quickly she solved the case, she would never be able to do enough to get rid of the feeling that someone who had suffered, as Albert had, in his early days, ultimately had been let down by his, and her, adopted country and definitely deserved more than to find freedom only to die in a parking lot. Rae also felt though that these sentiments had their origins in her upbringing, she wasn't sure that her colleagues would feel the same way.
The squad room was humming as she made herself a coffee and then began to go through her messages, again there were newspaper journalists wanting interviews, magazines as well now, including one which wanted to do a double page spread on how she spent her leisure time to get away from the case. Rae piled them all up together, wrote a very large 'NO' on a post it note for the top and put them into an envelope for public relations to deal with.
Once the external messages were out of the way her desk looked something like she was used to and she saw a piece of paper, with her partner's name on it, written in Cheryl's handwriting, talking about a letter in one of the daily papers.
The newspaper that he mentioned was one of a small, but ever-growing, pile underneath her desk. Rae had decided to keep them there so that she wouldn't get totally overloaded. Now though she flattened out the edition in question and began looking through for the editorial page. The actual letter was easy to find and Rae read it through a couple of times before picking up the phone and putting a call through to the editor of the newspaper requesting an appointment with him.
The autopsy report from Amanda on Albert Hardy was also on her desk, but she was so disgusted with the case that she flicked through it quickly before putting it in her filing tray, not taking a great deal of notice of what her friend had to say. Looking at her watch Rae saw that it was coming up to half past one in the afternoon and, realising that she was extremely hungry, she got up and left the squad room, hoping to cheer herself up before returning.
ooo
"Ok, what I thought we would do today is try some kangaroo care." Belinda smiled at the two nervous parents before her and saw their expressions change to one of excitement and one of confusion.
"So, Mommy knows what I'm talking about, but Daddy doesn't have a clue. Someone hasn't been doing their research." She wagged a finger and then felt a little guilty as Steve blushed and looked away. "Don't worry, Mr. Sloan, it really is painless."
Steve and Jo had been in the NICU for a little over an hour. Jayden had been fast asleep when they arrived and so they'd sat, Steve's hand resting over that of his wife, and watched their son's chest rise and fall underneath his swaddling, heartened by the fact that he seemed so peaceful. Steve had listened intently as Jo told him how, finally, she had been able to hold her baby, had looked at him, seen into his eyes and felt a connection, not just one of a mother's love for her child, but her, Jo, and him, Jayden, and Steve had loved her all the more because of it.
He had decided that he would return to work the following morning, and although it hadn't been an easy decision to make Steve knew that he would be needed far more when Jayden came home, and he planned to take leave, paid or unpaid, when that time came.
"Let Steve have the first go, I can take my turn tomorrow, or even a little later today, but he is going back to work in the mornin'." Jo smiled, first at her husband and then at Belinda, and there was, Steve was sure, a conspiratorial link between them.
"Ok, Steve, what I need is for you to unfasten your shirt." Belinda knew that she was being cruel, but the look on both parents' faces were just pictures, and she was so pleased to see Jo stifle a laugh, and Steve look like he was going to pass out at her feet, that it was worth it. "You don't need to pull it out of your jeans, but undo all the buttons."
"What! … I'm sorry, what did you say?" Steve's voice, initially loud dropped as he saw his son jump, heard an alarm scream and felt his own anxiety levels rise as Belinda looked with concern at the monitors.
Jo watched as their nurse checked her son. The sound of Steve's voice, although not loud in a normal environment, had startled their child, and the guilt on her husband's face almost broke her heart. She knew that Belinda would monitor Jayden and so with a deep breath she tried to tune out what was happening, turned and smiled at Steve and began talking about the kangaroo care instead. "Honey, we are bein' so mean to you, an' I am real sorry, but your face was just wonderful, an' when you are over the shock you are gonna enjoy this so much."
Steve nodded his head, he wasn't sure he would enjoy anything ever again if slightly raising his voice had this effect on his son. He hadn't shouted, he knew that, but not only had the monitors beeped, but other parents had glared at him, just as he knew he would have done had the positions been reversed.
For over thirty minutes Steve and Jo sat in silence, keeping their eyes on the monitors as the figures Jayden was recording were noted, watched and analysed, but finally with a smile Belinda told them that everything was back to normal, and they could continue with the plan for kangaroo care. As she moved away for a moment to speak quietly with another nurse, who neither Steve nor Jo had seen before, Jo began talking again hoping to put Steve's mind at rest.
"Steve, kangaroo care is when the baby is laid on your chest an' you can just relax an' hold them there. Some of the studies that have been done in Bogotá, Columbia showed a decrease in the mortality rate from seventy percent to thirty." Jo had taken her husband's hand into her own, and now she was looking deep into his eyes.
"I want you to be the first one of us to do this, I was gonna suggest it myself this mornin' especially after Tabitha was so pleased with him last night. What do you say?" She searched his face, trying to see what he was thinking, how he was feeling, but she could see so many mixed emotions there that Jo had no idea whether Steve would even be able to try to hold his son.
Steve didn't know how to respond, his heart was suddenly thumping and his mouth was dry. He would be able to hold his son again, and he had wanted nothing more than to do that since he'd put him back in the incubator two days before. But now, now that the opportunity was being presented to him again, he was scared, his throat was constricted with unshed tears and he was unable to speak.
"Steve?" Jo's voice startled him and he just nodded his head.
"Well, I guess that's a yes then. Ok, you really do need to unbutton your shirt, and then we'll take over." Belinda, who had enlisted the help of another nurse for the procedure, watched as carefully Jo undid the hospital gown her husband was wearing and turned it round before doing it back up under his throat. Then, with shaking fingers, Steve began to undo the fastenings on his denim shirt, carefully pulling it apart so that his chest was exposed.
It took a little under ten minutes before Jayden, who, Steve had noticed from the chart, was now weighing in at 2lbs exactly, which was 4oz less than when he had been born, was ready for his trip into the outside world. Carefully his diaper had been changed, the old one being put to one side to be weighed. The information it contained being vital to his continuing care. With a new, dry one and his egg cosy hat on Jayden was placed onto his daddy's chest and then covered with a blanket.
Not daring to move Steve watched as the lines to the monitors and the ventilator were carefully stuck to the hospital gown and he was thankful for the mask he wore, which covered his trembling lips. Slowly, as Belinda indicated she was done and stepped away, he did move, but only his arm so that gently he could place his hand over Jayden's back, and as he did so all his anxiety fell away and he began to just enjoy the moment.
Looking up, with tears in his eyes Steve smiled first at his wife and then at Belinda. "Thank you … I … thank you."
ooo
The grandfather clock that Jesse had bought off e.bay was chiming eight as Rae came in through the main door to her home. She glared at it as she moved past. It was beautiful, there was no doubt about that, but in the three days since it had arrived she had woken up every hour on the hour throughout the night, and she was getting very fed up with it. Jesse assured her that she would get used to it, and she knew he was right. At one time in her youth she had rented a flat in a street underneath Waterloo Station. The railway line had gone over the road on a bridge, and the little house her two rooms were in was almost directly underneath it. After a fortnight she no longer noticed the noise of the trains, so she was sure she could cope with a clock, not that she had any intention of telling her husband that.
"Mommy, I'm going to bed now, I wuf yew." Eliana came skipping out into the hallway, her face flushed and shining from a recent bath and her hair fastened back in two braids which Rae knew had been done by Miss Vicki.
The little girl hugged Rae around her legs, and then smiled as Rae crouched down in front of her. Eliana spoke well now, her words and vocabulary were very good for her age, but Rae missed the baby talk, and so when she said 'I wuf yew' it made her insides melt.
"Ok, Sweetie, how was Sally today?" Pre-school was out for the summer and Eliana was spending three days a week with Vicki and the other two with her original carer who she loved dearly.
"She was fine, fank yew, and I helped her look after a new baby she has." Eliana wriggled a little in her mother's grasp and Rae released her. Sally had mentioned to Rae that she was now caring for a boy of six months, and both of them had wondered how Eliana would cope with the change. Anneya only went to Sally in an emergency, staying with Vicki so that she could learn sign language and attend a reasonably local nursery school three mornings a week, where there were both Deaf and hearing children.
"Would you like me to read to you before you go to bed?" Rae suddenly hoped against hope that her daughter would say yes, she wanted nothing more right now than to cuddle up on the sofa with her little girl and work her way through a Doctor Seuss story.
Nodding her head Eliana waited for Rae to stand up and then the two of them made their way into the breakfast room, where Vicki was tidying up some of the toys that had been played with during the evening. As Rae entered though she carefully put a handful of building blocks into a box and then spoke.
"Hi, Mrs Travis, Anneya is fast asleep and there are some phone messages for you. Doctor Travis has been delayed at the hospital and Mrs Sloan called to say that if you had time tomorrow would you like to go and see her baby."
"Really? Oh wonderful, whether I have time or not, I'm going." Rae was delighted with the news, Texas had been such a support to her when Eliana had been born early and the family only rule applied to Jayden had meant that so far she had been unable to reciprocate.
Vicki didn't usually work on Mondays, but had asked if she could and take the Friday instead so that she had a long weekend to go to the mountains with her boyfriend. They had only been together a short while and wanted to get to know each other a little better. Rae was rota'd off on the Friday herself and so had readily agreed. It had been worth Vicki working today for Texas's message alone and Rae tried to push the visions of tiny babies and her friend's face away so that she could concentrate on her own child instead. She picked up the book she wanted from a pile on the shelf by the door and watched as Vicki kissed Eliana on the cheek before leaving the room. Once they were alone together Rae made herself comfortable on the sofa and enjoyed the feeling of her eldest daughter snuggling up against her and again relished the second family she had been given the chance to experience.
ooo
Even though it was only eight thirty at night Jo lay in bed ready for sleep but thinking hard. She had been chatting with a mother whose baby was almost ready to leave the hospital and go home. The woman, whose name was Kathy, had come over and spoken with Jo when she had been sitting in the quiet area of the NICU as Jayden had his diaper changed and his vital signs monitored, she had been holding him and he had begun to get sleepy.
"Hi, you're Jo Sloan aren't you?" The young woman suddenly in front of her looked far too glamorous to be the mother of a child in special care. Her hair was beautifully styled, she wore clean, crumple-free clothes, and her nails were done. Jo realised that, until a week ago, she would have looked that way too, now it didn't seem to matter that much.
"Yeah, that's me, is there somethin' I can do for you?" She ran her hand through her own hair, dragging the strands back from her face as she tried to smile and look interested.
"I understand that you're going home tomorrow."
"Yes, that's right, how did you know? Jo was startled, that type of information was, she was sure, confidential and she had only found out herself two hours earlier when she had her check up with Tabitha.
"I usually have a little chat with moms before they go; it's kind of my unofficial job, so I get told who is leaving. Scarlet, that's my baby, she's our third child who has come through the NICU at Community General, so I sort of know what I'm talking about."
"Oh." Jo had no idea what else to say, she didn't really know what it was that this woman wanted to say to her, or what she needed to say herself in reply.
"I won't take up your time now, because I think your little angel is ready for his momma to visit with him again, but tomorrow, please look for me, I will have a parting gift for you, and a pamphlet which I hope will help you." Kathy had risen to her feet then and smiled before heading back towards the door to the NICU where she began talking with one of the nurses.
Jo wondered, not for the first time, what the gift was going to be, and also what the pamphlet would say. She had to admit she was terrified of leaving the safe confines of the hospital, and the thought of being separated from her baby by miles instead of just a few feet of hallway filled her eyes with tears each time it crossed her mind.
At least Rae would be able to come and see Jayden with her before she left for home. She had missed her friend so much, and envied her husband the contact he had with her at work, or would have from the following morning. It had taken her over half an hour on the phone to persuade Steve that with David arriving from Texas by lunchtime tomorrow she would be fine at home while he worked as planned. She still felt as if a truck had hit her so she had no intention of doing anything more than resting on the sofa in the morning room and reading through the letters from her ancestors once again.
Steve had told her that the designer had called about the nursery, so she would get in contact with him too, show him the pictures of the furniture she had bought and then the pleasant task of choosing wall coverings, drapes, and carpets could be undertaken. In her mind Jo saw pastel blues and yellows, with a trompe l'oeil painting on one wall and on a piece of furniture. She had found details on the Internet of an artist who did wild west scenes and Jo could see a street, boardwalks either side and the dust and dirt in the middle on one wall of the nursery, and then, on one of the wardrobes she had bought, a picture of what might be inside, so it looked as if you could see in through a glass front when, in fact, it was solid wood.
Gradually her eyes began to close, and Jo snuggled down in the bed, trying to ignore the pain that simple movement caused. She wanted her son with her every minute of every day, but right now that wasn't possible, so she would go and get the house ready for him, so that when he did come home, everything would be perfect.
ooo
Dominic-Matthew had been out for a drive around, he had visited the vacant lot where he'd gone with Jenna, the grassy park where Sam had fallen to his hand and finally, once he'd filled up on gas, the golf course at Toluca Lake where he had sat happily in the grass reliving Nadine's last moments. On the way back he stopped off at the bus station on the next block to his apartment and put his suitcase of treasures in a locker. At first he had felt reassured when it was by the door, knowing that if he needed to flee he would be able to just pick it up and take it with him, but lately it had worried him. What if someone came in? They might take it thinking it was full of valuables, or worse that it was full of rubbish. In the end he had become so concerned about losing it that he had decided to leave it in a place where he could easily get it on his way out of town, whether to work or when he moved on. The decision had put his mind at rest and now he was sitting in the front room of his apartment looking at photos, reliving his evening's journey and feeling at peace with himself once more.
ooo
Mark had a late shift, Alex had known that, and speaking to him over the weekend had received his permission to use the deck to entertain that night.
He wasn't the greatest cook in the world, but he worked in a barbeque restaurant, and had lived by himself since he'd entered medical school. He could make pasta dishes, roasts and if he concentrated he could rustle up a better than average curry too. Tonight though he had decided to make an Italian meal. The seafood salad that he had as antipasti was calamari, shrimp, scallops, muscles and black olives in a lemon dressing. You could eat it warm straight from a barbeque or leave it to marinade overnight. Alex had worried himself silly about making a fool of himself cooking in front of Shannon and so they were having it cold served on a bed of lettuce and he had made a little menu with the first item 'Antipasti di Mare' written on it with a small description underneath.
That had been the easy part, after than he had struggled for hours to choose the right main course. Finally he had found a recipe for individual asparagus lasagne realising that he could make the two dishes the day before, just as he could the starter, and serve them in separate dishes with breadsticks and a panzella salad which had ingredients in that he recognized as salad, as well as bread and olives. Alex thought that if the lasagne was a disaster they could fill up on that instead.
Now though, as the sun made its way towards the horizon, there was very little food left on the table, and it was clear that all his efforts had been appreciated.
"Honey, that was just wonderful, thank you so much." Shannon looked beautiful, her jet-black hair falling in curls over her shoulders, the pearl clips glinting from the candles he had placed on the table and there was something on her dress that caught the light and sparkled every time she moved.
"I am glad you enjoyed it. It was kinda fun to make, work it all out first of all and then see it actually turn out like it was supposed to."
"You made it? All of it?" Shannon had to admit she was amazed. "I thought Mark must have had a hand in it."
"No, I wanted it to be something that I did for you by myself, something special for a special night." He blushed as he spoke, and then, before his courage failed him, he got to his feet and moved around the table.
"Well, you succeeded, it was definitely special, and absolutely delicious too … Alex?" Shannon watched as her boyfriend came closer to her, and suddenly she knew why she was there, why the meal, the candles, the time by themselves, had all been arranged and, as she watched, her heart beating loudly in her chest, Alex got down on one knee.
"Shannon, I love you with all my heart, I don't want to be without you, not ever. Please, will you accept this ring and agree to marry me?" Carefully he opened the black velvet case and Shannon gasped.
"Oh, Alex, that's beautiful." The ring, in white gold had a large square cut diamond in the centre and then, running halfway around the band, there were five smaller diamonds either side of the main stone. The candles now caught the different surfaces, and the ring looked as it if was burning its way into her heart. Carefully, almost not daring to breathe, Alex looked up.
"Will you marry me?"
"Oh yes, yes I will, I love you so much too … thank you for asking me." She giggled, not really knowing what to say, but the laughter was lost in a moment as slowly, gently, Alex placed the ring on her finger and then stood up, pulling her into his arms as he did so and, as the sun finally disappeared over the horizon, they kissed passionately, before drinking a toast to all the new tomorrows they would share, together.
ooo
"Oh, Texas, he is just perfect, so beautiful." Rae sat down in the chair next to Jayden's isolette and tried to blink back the tears that filled her eyes. For a moment she had moved back in time five years to when Eliana was in this very room, tiny, but already a fighter, and then a picture of her that morning, dressed in blue jeans and a t-shirt which said 'I may be cute, but don't push me' on it, with her little bag of treasures to take to Sally's with her.
"Thank you." The voice of her friend, now a proud, but worried, mom reached her ears and Rae came back to the present. She reached out and took her friend's hand into her own.
"So, how's he doing?"
"He's doin' ok. At least that's what they keep tellin' us. He's set his alarms off at least once every day so far, which worries me an' Steve far more than it seems to worry Belinda, who is his nurse. But we've done kangaroo care, an' yesterday, yesterday he … he looked at me, when I had him in my arms, I smiled at him, an' he seemed to relax against me," Jo realised she couldn't really adequately describe how she had felt at that moment, "it was wonderful."
"I remember it well, and it was wonderful, but its more than that, it's the fact that finally you are doing what mums do, you are holding your baby, you are changing its nappy, and even if you have to give him, or her, back at the end of your session, you were still the one doing the caring." Rae's face lit up as she spoke, remembering the feelings she had shared with her own daughter and the pleasure she had gained from her ever since.
Jo's eyes were bright as she realised that her best friend understood how she was feeling, better than Steve, or Belinda, or anyone else she was close to, because she had been there, and the bond between them tightened.
An hour later Rae was making her way to the parking lot a set of four pictures in her wallet of Jayden with his mum, with her and with the two of them together as well as one picture of him alone. She was going into the station so that Steve could leave and take his wife home. Newman had been in a foul mood the previous evening when she had left and so she and her partner had decided that they would be very careful what they did, and how much time they spent away from the precinct, planning it so that at least one of them was there at all times during their shifts unless they were on official business.
The funeral of Albert Hardy was taking place that afternoon, and Rae planned to attend. The family had found it difficult to come to terms with the fact that not only had their father been murdered, but also his burial rights had not been carried out according to their faith. The body had been released by the coroner's office though, and now, finally, the funeral could be conducted and then the close relatives would sit Shivah and continue with their customs as if everything had taken place within the usual timeframe. As Albert had requested that he be buried next to his wife the Shivah would be held in his apartment before his children returned to San Diego a week later.
Before that though Rae was going to meet with the newspaper editor to see if he could provide some more information on the author of the letter complaining about the way the LAPD was handling the Red Rose Killer case. If she was honest Rae didn't think she would find out anything useful but with the lack of any new information lately, any lead was better than none.
ooo
Jo had packed a small suitcase with her belongings once breakfast was out of the way. By the time Rae had arrived she was ready to go home, at least as far as the materialistic side of her stay was concerned. The visit of her friend had lightened her morning, and the time had passed almost too quickly. Once Rae had left to go to work Jo had sat, watching as her son slept, comparing the photos she had just taken with those from the previous four days of his life. His weight wasn't back to what it had been when he was born, but he hadn't lost any more and so Jo was trying to see that in a positive light. Belinda wasn't on duty and so, for the first time, she had to deal with a nurse who didn't, as of yet, know her son.
After she had been sitting quietly for just over an hour the woman who had spoken to her the previous day and whose name Jo remembered in time was Kathy came and sat next to her.
"Hi." The word was whispered and Jayden slept on as Jo turned her head and smiled. "Shall we move away just for a moment?"
Jo nodded her head; she still wasn't sure what to say to this lady and so instead she stood up and followed her back to the quiet corner they had chatted in the day before.
"Here is my book, my e-mail and phone number is inside, please, if you want to talk to someone, meet up, ask a question, anything, contact me. There are some very active preemie groups in LA, I'm sure there will be one near you, where do you live?"
Kathy was animated and chatty, but her voice never rose above a whisper.
"Beverly Hills."
"Oh." Kathy said just the one word, realising that to live there you had to be reasonably well off to say the least. "I guess they have one near there."
"Well I shall definitely be lookin' out for it. Thank you, Kathy; I will read this once I am home an' able to relax a little bit. I … I just wish I was taking Jayden with me."
"That reminds me, this is for you. Keep it until you get back to your room to pick up your belongings and then open it. It is just for you, it may seem a strange gift, but it sure helped me and I hope it does the same for you."
A parcel about fifteen inches long and squidgy was handed to her and then Kathy stood up. As she did so Jo could see Steve washing and gowning up at the front of the NICU and she rose to her feet also.
"Jo, you just have to keep the faith, and then your baby will come home to you. Take care." Kathy hugged Jo lightly and then moved back over to her own baby lying in one of the isolettes nearest the wall.
They stayed as long as they could in the NICU but it became apparent after an hour that Jayden was fast asleep and had no intention of waking up any time soon. Steve had told Jo that David was already in Beverly Hills and so with a heavy heart and tears in her eyes Jo bade goodbye to her little boy and made her way back to her room.
Once she was there she pushed the door too and sobbed on Steve's shoulder until she didn't have the strength to continue any longer and then she felt her husband carefully direct her to the bed and sit her on the side of it.
"Honey, we have to go, but you can come back every day, you know that. Juan will drive you, or David, and I don't work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, even if it feels like I do. We will be coming back in together, probably Friday as I am off then.
She just nodded her head, words were beyond her, and Steve kissed her gently on the cheek. "Open your present from that lady, then I'll take you home."
Carefully, in case the squishy present was fragile Jo removed the paper to reveal a very soft light blue teddy bear. There was a small bib around its neck which said 'for mom' on it and with a strangled sob Jo held it to her and began again to get herself under control.
"There's a little note, look." Steve picked up a small card, which had a picture of a teddy on it and began to read.
Dear mommy and daddy,
This teddy is from a family who know what you are going through. You can't cuddle me at home right now, but you can hug this bear instead. The bib says 'for mom' on one side, and 'for dad' on the other, when you need to hold me, pick him up instead and enjoy his softness.
Our time will come, and we will have a lifetime of hugs to share.
Love from your baby boy.
By the time he had finished reading Steve's voice was breaking and he sat down next to his wife and they held onto each other tightly for a long time before finally collecting up the bags and the bear and beginning one of the hardest journeys of their lives.