26 No Light at the end of the Tunnel
Rae lay in a coma for another three weeks; the various doctors responsible for her visiting with her regularly, carrying out their tests and suggesting further treatments. Jesse and Alex, working together to ensure that she received the best of care, discussed each and every idea and included Mark as well, needing his experience and expertise.
Her neurosurgeon was cautiously pleased with her progress, the blood flow and oxygen levels had levelled out and remained steady within her brain, and the shunt that he had decided against inserting during her initial surgery hadn't been needed. The swelling had been addressed with extremely strong medications. Some drew fluid out of her brain and into the blood vessels, while others decreased its metabolic requirements and a third one was used to increase the blood flow into the brain diminishing the spiral effect caused by the swelling. These treatments seemed to be working; the intracranial pressure monitor had showed acceptable readings since the fourth day of her care.
Because of the reduction in pressure her eyesight was improving. Gradually it became clear that, although unable to vocalize it, she was seeing movements and then faces before her. The subsequent CAT scans showed that the swelling caused by the broken bones in her face had reduced as well and as that happened in conjunction with the improvements in brain function her vision returned. Her levels of consciousness were also increasing, but she was still classed as being in a coma and critically ill.
ooo
Jesse had got into a routine of working a mid-morning to mid-afternoon shift, slightly shorter than his usual hours, to enable him to fit in all his other responsibilities. He would visit with his wife for a little while before his shift started, talking with her about what the children had done the previous day, and any other information that he thought she might find interesting.
After his shift was over he would, every other day, return and stay for three or four hours, helping with the limited physiotherapy she was receiving and watching for any small movement or change that might be taking place. He would then drive home to Beverly Hills and spend a short while with his daughters before they went to bed.
On the days that he didn't remain at Community General, when one of their friends would be with Rae, he would arrive home in time to listen to Eliana's lively chatter about school and also talk with his youngest daughter about what she had done, eating dinner with them and enjoying their company. The sign language was getting easier to both perform and understand and Jesse tried not to think about whether it would be needed for him to converse with his wife.
He had received a telephone call at the hospital on the Monday after Rae's accident from Miss Vicki, who had returned the previous evening from her weekend away. She had heard about what had happened, calling the hospital while on vacation to leave her best wishes and promising to take care of the children for as long as necessary. This time though she had been calling to tell Jesse that their new housekeeper had arrived and to ask what she should do with her.
In the end Jo, who had been at home getting ready to visit with Jayden and Rae, had gone round to Oak Place and explained the situation before settling the woman in and answering any questions that she could. The housekeeper's name was Janette Cameron and she and her spouse had immigrated to Los Angeles at the age of twenty-three after living in Edinburgh before that. She had been married to a fire-fighter and had only begun looking for work again after her husband of twenty years died. She was now fifty-three and made her way through the Travis household like a strong breeze.
Jesse hadn't thought that their house was particularly untidy and he knew that Rae didn't either. His wife was a tidy person, needing to know where things were, and being able to put her hand right on them, in the rush that was her life. When he had arrived home on the Tuesday evening though, having only visited for a very short time on Mrs Cameron's first day, he had been amazed at the difference he could already see. Nothing had been removed from its place; it was just that somehow it was neater, more organized, than it had been before. Since then Vicki's workload had diminished so that she could spend time doing what she had been hired for, which was to care for Anneya and Eliana, and the house was running efficiently enough for Jesse to be able to cross two of his main concerns off his list.
He was very aware that the situation he found himself in, that of once again watching over his wife as she fought for life, was one that he needed to keep a close eye on. The torment that both he and his family had gone through after the Werner kidnapping was still fresh in his mind and for that reason, on the Friday, one week after Rae's accident; he had found himself sitting in his therapist Lauren Yung's office.
"I'm glad that you made an appointment to come and see me, but I am so sorry about the reasons behind it." Lauren did look genuinely sorry. She had been Rae's therapist, was still Rae's therapist, but also considered both the Travises friends as well as patients.
"Yeah, me too. She knew he was dangerous, but I don't think she saw herself as in any of that danger. You know in two weeks she'll have been a cop for twenty years. I was gonna throw her a party. Or I thought I was, I'd only just begun to think about it."
Lauren didn't say anything, she knew that, initially, just having someone to talk to would do Jesse good. He was lucky in that he had a strong group of family and friends around him, but there were times when that type of support network was too close and someone a little removed could be just what a grieving person needed. As she made one or two quick notes on her tablet of paper Jesse carried on talking.
"Did you know that she has to have a guard on her door? That guy, Dominic or whatever his real name is has fans! Can you believe that? She was going about her business, trying to catch someone who had murdered innocent women in at least four states and he had admirers! They've been threatening Steve and Rae. There's a guard at home, when the children go anywhere a cop goes with them, there is even a pair of officers outside the NICU!" Jesse had paused and shaken his head, when Captain Newman had told him threats had been made and he was sure that marriage proposals would follow he had been astounded. Just the day before though, Steve had told him that, so far, the fan mail had topped two hundred and fifty letters and sixteen of them had included a proposal of marriage.
"How are your children coping without their mom?" The horror in Jesse's eyes had caused Lauren to intervene. She didn't want him dwelling on any one point right now, if he could open up to her then she could plan their future sessions knowing some of the things he needed to address whilst also knowing that the unexpected could still get in their way.
"First of all, when she looked real bad, I just told them that she had gone away for a few days and would be back soon. But once the … the … once her face wasn't getting any worse then I sat Eliana down and told her that mommy had had an accident and would be in the hospital for a while. She was upset, but I took her to visit with Rae, and she sat and chattered away to her, held her hand and kissed her before she left."
"And afterwards?" Lauren wasn't experienced with counselling children but her unit did have a very good male therapist who was and she would recommend him if Jesse thought it necessary.
"She cried when we had to go home, and was very clingy all evening. Not wanting to leave me for a minute. But I guess that's better than seeming to be unaffected by it."
"Yes it is. Did she talk about it?"
"Vicki bought a book about a little girl whose mommy has to go into the hospital regularly. She read it to both of them and said that Eliana talked about all the pictures and told her how Rae looked in her bed, and who came in while she was there, where she could sit, that type of thing."
"Good, but I would suggest that you read it with her and Anneya and show both of them that you and they can talk about mommy even though she isn't there. Has Anneya been to see Rae?" The tape was running but again she made a note of Jesse's expression, this time slightly guilty as he realised what he should have done.
Jesse had nodded. "They've both been. We have it marked up on the calendar in the kitchen, and we count down the days until it is time for them to come. I bring them separately, not just because I think it's easier for Rae that way, but also because then they can tell each other what happened, and talk about how their mommy was." This time Lauren just nodded, it was clear that however much his life was on overdrive right now Jesse was still thinking things through and planning them out.
"And you, Jesse? How are you doing?" She had changed tack slightly now. The rambling sentences of the start of the session had been replaced by deliberate observations and comments and Lauren knew that direct questions would be more suited to the time they had left.
"Ok. I'm worried about her, so worried sometimes that there is room for nothing else in my life, but it's been a week and she's still here, still fighting. I don't know what her life will hold when she recovers as much as is possible but I do know that together we'll deal with it the best we can." Again Lauren jotted down observations about Jesse's manner, the way he looked as he spoke and then she smiled.
"When you worry what is it about? Do you worry that she'll die? Or are your concerns more concentrated on her recovery now?"
For a moment he had been silent, he wasn't sure how to answer. The worries, a constant companion now for eight days, were difficult to analyse and explain. Then taking a deep breath he began to speak, admitting his innermost thoughts and hoping that she wouldn't hate him for them.
"First of all, when I was told what had happened, I just wanted her to live, to survive the surgery. Then, when I … when I saw her … I …" His voice trailed off, the picture rose up in his mind of his wife, lying so still, so deadly still, and for a moment he was overwhelmed once again by the hopelessness that he'd seen in the situation.
"Jesse?" Lauren had risen to her feet, although he hadn't seen her do it, and now was sitting in the chair next to his. "Take your time, I can wait."
Unable to do anything else he'd just nodded. For a while actual speech had been beyond him as he battled with himself and the, now totally alien, thoughts he'd had.
"You came and saw her didn't you? The cops on the door said you came the Saturday when I was getting something to eat."
"Yes that's right. Mrs Sloan was with her; I didn't stay but a minute." The visit had been made in her own time, because she'd wanted to come and let Rae know she was in her thoughts. She had counselled patients after serious accidents had left them unconscious or in comas before and knew that the conversations of visitors could sometimes be heard and retained. All she had said was 'hi' and that she was thinking of her, then she had gently taken her hand into her own for a moment before apologising to the woman sitting by the bed for intruding and leaving again.
"So you know how she looked. How … how badly she was hurt." There was a longing in his eyes now, a longing for understanding and it had been Lauren's turn to nod, not yet sure what it was she was committing herself too.
"I … I knew that she could die, that the first twenty-four hours would be crucial, and then the next and the next over and over until she stabilized." He looked down at his hands and found them twisting around each other in his lap as his voice ran away from him and he clasped them together to try to stop the movement.
"I told Alex and Steve, all of them, that if she couldn't fight this time we would have to let her go." As soon as the words were out his eyes filled with tears. He had cried that first day, but not since, and the pressure had been building and building. He felt Lauren gently touch his shoulder with her hand and before she could remove it he began to sob, deep heartfelt sobs that seemed to reach right inside him and pull out every ounce of stored up energy and he hugged himself as he rocked in his seat, unable to do anything but pour out all the hurt and anguish that had soaked into him over the last week.
ooo
Steve had returned to his normal shift pattern on the Monday morning, knowing that he only had three weeks to finish up a mountain of paperwork and get all his current cases up to date so that they could be passed over to other detectives. Cheryl had helped him with the general filing and organization, needing the distraction of something mundane to help her cope with interviewing and understanding Nicholas Large.
Ron had been officially assigned to the case by the FBI, not only because Cheryl had requested him but also because, as the profiler who had already assisted the LAPD during the case, he was regarded as the expert in this situation.
Rae's notes from home had been retrieved and pored over. She had attached a great deal of importance to the first known murder victim in New York, Sara Ann Miller and Steve had remembered how she had spoken of her in the apartment and then wished that he hadn't. The memories from that day were weighing heavily on him, when he closed his eyes at night he could see her disappear from view over the fire escape, being kicked out at by Dominic and then he would relive the split second of silence before she screamed and he heard her hit the ground.
By the Tuesday of the first week he had been sleeping in the private room attached to his study, unable to share his bed with Jo, knowing that the way he woke, suddenly sitting up in the middle of the night, bathed in sweat and crying out someone else's name, would cause her more distress than sleeping alone. What he didn't know was that each time she heard him tossing and turning, calling out in his sleep and would come to stand outside in the hallway waiting for him to wake so she could be there if he decided he needed her. So far that hadn't happened, and he also seemed unable to speak of it with her during the day. Jo's visits to sit with Rae had all been done alone; the only time they seemed to spend together was an hour each evening with Jayden. It was clear to all who knew them that the situation was pulling them apart, and they were still, almost three weeks later, unable to do anything to stop it.
Daniel seemed to have the opposite reaction to his dad. He had attached himself to his mother, inviting friends to come to him rather than leave her. When she went to sit with Jayden he went too, the police guard both comforting and alarming him at the same time. If Steve was home though he transferred his allegiance, working out in the gym with his father, or sitting with his music playing on headphones while Steve worked on cases brought home from the station, and generally spending most of his time in a subdued and serious mood.
Finally, on the Wednesday of the third week after Rae's accident, Jo called her first family meeting. David had returned to Texas, but was expected the following week so that he and Steve could try and get some of the papers and information he had gathered into a fit state to present to his lawyers. Debbie was, as far as anyone knew, still staying at the hotel at the end of the street. All communication was being handled through various law firms and although she had, albeit reluctantly, let Damita return home with her daddy, she was still planning to fight for custody in the very near future.
Wayne seemed to have disappeared from sight. Martin's statement to the police had been dealt with seriously and immediately and Jo and her family had been well protected by both the police and then a private security firm. The letters and calls from him however, hadn't stopped. Jo had changed her cell phone number twice to prevent him from ringing her, and the home number had also been changed. Short of moving house though there was very little that they could do to prevent him from sending letters varying in their degree of seriousness but all threatening and abusive. The mail wasn't getting to its intended victims but they knew it was still arriving. Jo had refused to go and see a therapist, even when Jesse had told her how much help he got from seeing Lauren Yung. She had spoken with her father-in-law though, visiting with her son and then spending the rest of the day with Mark, walking along the sand, sipping ice-cold soda on the deck and gradually opening her heart and letting all her worries and fears pour out.
She wished that Steve would do the same, or even just talk to Belinda again. He had seemed more relaxed after the chat he'd had with the NICU nurse, but the stresses and strains had begun to overwhelm him again almost immediately and she knew that not only was she worried about him but his dad was, and, as she had found out the previous day, Cheryl too.
The only bright spot on their horizon was the fact that Jayden was doing so well. He was a month old now, seeming more and more like she had imagined a child of hers to be. The nurses were very pleased with his progress and had even hinted at the possibility of him coming home a little earlier than originally planned. The very thought filled her with a euphoria she hadn't experienced before while filling her with an equal amount of dread at the same time. But on the Wednesday evening that hadn't been uppermost in her mind as she looked at the two most important men in her life at that moment and begun to speak.
"I have made reservations for us to go away for the weekend to a resort in Palm Springs. We leave Friday afternoon an' get back Monday afternoon. No, neither of you say a word!" She had seen the looks of horror on both her husband and son's faces. "We need this. Jayden will be just fine, your daddy has said he will go sit with him every day, while we are away. Michael will go in as well. He won't be alone any more than he is when we are home. An' Rae will be just fine too. She has a whole army of people comin' in to sit with her." She stopped talking, knowing that she needed to let both Steve and Daniel have their say and also knowing that, even though the thought of leaving her son still tore at her, still made her want to cancel everything, she'd had two days to at least come to terms with it, and they hadn't.
"How can I go away? I move to Wilshire in a week, I still have so much to do. And we can't not visit with Jayden and Rae for four days."
"Yes we can. Honey, I know you are havin' a hard time right now. I also know that there is no way I'm gonna get you to just stay home so we have to go away. Besides," she added her final words with a slight smile, "it's all booked."
"What about Jayden? Maybe something will go wrong and we won't be here, it takes almost three hours to get to Palm Springs." Daniel looked at his dad before speaking again and realised that he seemed really tired. Immediately he changed his view. If his mom was worried enough to leave Jayden then it needed to be done. "I guess if it was an emergency though we could fly home."
"Of course we could, Darlin'. I would love to be able to take Jayden with us, but right now I think we need to get away, just the three of us for a few days." She reached over and placed her hand on top of her husband's. The pain from her operation was lessening now, and she was able to put the feelings the movements made resolutely to the back of her mind. "Steve, Honey, I'm worried about you, please, you are gonna be so busy at Wilshire, I know that for a while you'll be workin' all the hours the Good Lord sends us. Please." She didn't know what else to say. In her mind they were going away, but she realised that if Steve really put his foot down there was no way she could make him accompany her, and without him there was no point in them going.
Steve tried to swallow down his fears. He knew that Jo was right, he needed to take a break, but if he was just home then he would work and worry the entire time. His new job was very important to him though, as was making a good first impression. But more than that, he needed to make a dignified exit from North Hollywood. If he took a weekend off he wasn't sure that he would accomplish everything he had to. Going over the different tasks he still had to do in his mind he began to speak again.
"I could always take the laptop with me, no, Honey, listen, if I promise, an hour, two tops each day, then I'm yours, what would you say?" He held his breath, wanting her to agree, but knowing that if she didn't that he would give into her, he loved her too much not to.
"You can take it with you, but if I think you aren't relaxin' enough then I reserve the right to remove the battery pack." She smiled, it was a small concession, and if it meant he came willingly then it was one she was happy to make.
Gently he slid his hand out from under Jo's and took her small and delicate one into his own before lifting it up and kissing the back of it.
"Ok. Friday to Monday, just the three of us. Thank you." He saw the grin which appeared on his wife's face and that of his son. Suddenly he was looking forward to going, knowing instinctively that wherever it was that Jo had booked it would be well worth the visit.
ooo
Cheryl ran her hand through her short hair, thinking immediately of Rae as she did so. The interview with Nicholas Large was scheduled to start in thirty minutes and walking a beat seemed preferable to her right now.
Ron had suggested using a totally different approach to the interrogation process and for the last two visits they had been concentrating on his childhood, slowly but surely getting underneath the guard he had put up, but at the same time trying to understand what had made him gradually become the monster he now was.
Already the transcripts were filling three folders, and Cheryl knew that as the man was in his early thirties and they were concentrating on the period from about ten to twelve years of age at the moment they had a long way to go.
The tall, slightly friendlier than he had been, FBI Agent had also suggested that Nicholas wasn't one person but at least three, maybe more. That had totally floored Cheryl, the interview that had caused him to come to that conclusion being one that he and Steve had undertaken together over a week earlier, hoping to throw the man off guard when he saw one of his interrogators being replaced. To her surprise, both Ron and Steve had opened up when they discussed things individually with her later, helping her to understand just how personal this case was for all of them.
"Good morning, Mr. Large. I think that you know Lieutenant Sloan." Ron made the question into a statement and Steve had stood there, staring at the man he would gladly kill with his bare hands.
"Yes, yes, I know him." The voice had been different, the posture, body language, everything had changed and Ron was confronted by someone who could easily be a complete stranger to him.
"Mr. Large, are you alright?" He had looked around, making sure that there were two guards on the door in case he had to send one for a prison medic.
"I … I am, but … but my name isn't Large, it's Little, Matthew Little." The darting eyes, the nervous wringing of his hands had both increased as he spoke and neither interviewee nor interviewers seemed anxious to continue the conversation.
Finally Steve had pulled out the chair opposite his prisoner and sat heavily into it glowering menacingly across the table and relishing the look of fear that crossed the other man's face. Matthew Little had been the name on the lease of the apartment, the apartment with the fire escape, he had pushed the thought away, just as Little had pushed Rae, again Steve fought the memory, more successfully this time. This man's prints though belonged to Nicholas Large. Something was screwy, but the entire case had been slightly off. Swallowing down his anger and hatred he had begun to speak, his tone level and measured.
"Maybe you would like to explain that to us. Your prints don't come back as Matthew anyone."
Again there was silence, but this time both men could see that Matthew, if that was who he thought he was, with a look of total concentration on his face, had a decision to make. It had taken over five minutes before the slightly timid voice spoke again.
"It's hard, I don't really know how to put it into words, but there has always been more than one of me. I thought that everyone was that way until … It was … I was nine, I told my sister, Melissa …" He had closed his eyes, and a tear escaped.
Steve had looked across at Ron, who was now sitting at the large rectangular table as well, why hadn't the fact that he had a sister come up before? Now wasn't the time to cut in though, and the expression on the FBI Agent's face had been one of rapt attention; he clearly wasn't at all thrown by the revelations even if Steve was.
Gradually, interrupted only by the occasional silence, Matthew had told his story.
The school yard had been full of children playing games with their He Man figures but he was a foster child and owned none of the things needed to be accepted. Instead he would sit under a large Oak Tree with his foster sister and together they would watch and wish they would be asked to join in.
Melissa had a rag doll; she loved it more than anything else in her life and called her Issa, because that way she was a part of her. He hadn't understood why she would need a doll for that.
"I said to her 'what about the other people inside you?' and she just stared at me. She didn't understand." His voice was more confident now, but also a little dreamy, almost as if he was back in the past, sitting under that same tree as he talked with his sister and again the silence took over, but this time both men could see that he was enjoying the memories. After a minute, not wanting him to lose himself, Ron had coughed quietly and the narrative began again, for just a short while.
"When she told me that she didn't have people inside of her it was me who didn't understand. There was Nicholas, Matthew, sometimes … sometimes Dominic was there too, but he didn't like school, well except to skip." The silence descended again, until finally Matthew looked up.
"You don't have other people inside you either, do you?" There was desperation in his eyes now which disappeared the instant that he saw his two companions shake their heads to be replaced with disappointment.
"No one else does. Not that I've ever met, I … I thought I was the only one, you know. I figured maybe I was special, that I should tell my mom and dad but Melissa told me not to. Said they would send me away … I should have listened." He had retreated inside himself then, the tears had started up again and Ron had signalled for Steve to leave the room with him.
For almost a week no one had seen Matthew, Dominic, Nicholas, or whoever he chose to be, except his psychologist. When the report came through it was clear that, although she had been sceptical initially, she was now of the opinion that Nicholas, which, as his legal name, she called him throughout, clearly felt under the influence of at least three separate personalities. She also said that although her patient was not slipping from one to another as often as some she had seen, he definitely used each of the three they had mentioned so far for specific situations and was unable to cope if the right one didn't appear.
Cheryl had watched Steve fume quietly in the squad room after that eventful meeting, his stress levels so high she was worried he would either shut down himself or have a heart attack. Not only did he now have his son and his partner to worry about but he had also almost convinced himself that their Red Rose Killer would be certified as unfit to face trial.
When he had been stopped for running a red light Cheryl had feared for his own sanity and the safety of the officer concerned. She knew that he wasn't likely to pull strings to get himself off, and so she had lied for him, explaining that they were on their way to a crime scene and hadn't had time to put the light on the roof. The motorcycle cop worked North Hollywood and if he had realised who had been in the car he would have ignored them, instead he just smiled and sent them on their way, and finally Steve's dam had burst and she had taken the brunt of his wrath.
"So what gives? Can't I fight my own battles any more? What the hell makes you think you have to do it for me?" He had turned on her, his voice loud and harsh, as soon as he'd found a safe place to pull over.
"Of course I don't, but do you really want to have that on your record, Captain?" He had yelled at her, and she found herself answering at the same volume.
"So you tell him what? That we're off to a crime scene that doesn't exist, that was real smart."
"Oh, come on, Steve, he's not gonna check, if you had been in your car instead of Jo's I'll bet we wouldn't even have been stopped. Let it go."
"Let it go!" His eyes told her not to say anything more, but then his next words had stopped her in her tracks anyway, and she wanted to do nothing other than comfort him. "I can't stop you from lying for me, can't stop my partner …" his voice had faded and he had turned from her.
"Steve?"
"Leave it, Cheryl, unless you want to walk, just leave it!" He had started the car, slammed it into drive and when a slightly smaller gap than he would normally take had appeared in traffic he had shot into it and they had returned to the station in silence.
Knowing that he would probably never forgive her if he ever found out, Cheryl had called Jo, inviting her to come to the guest house at Oak Place, and then she had told her of her worries, and been surprised to see her new friend smile.
"Thank you so much for tellin' me, I knew he was sufferin', but not that he was takin' it out on you though, an' for that I apologize. I have a little vacation booked, tomorrow we are havin' us a family meetin'," Jo had smiled then, "we've never had one before, an' I plan on tellin' him an' Daniel that we are goin' away next weekend, just the three of us."
She presumed that the plan was still in place, she hadn't asked and nothing had been mentioned since, but she knew he was still on edge, still wound so tightly that he could uncoil at any moment, if only because he had yet to apologize to her for his behaviour. No one should have to put up with all he had on his shoulders right now, and she just hoped that he could hold it all together and deal with it because the alternative didn't bear thinking about.