27 Letting Go
"No! No, no, no, no. No!" The sound of a furiously angry raised voice, followed by the unmistakable clatter of plates, glass and cutlery crashing to the floor, split the air and then became heartbreaking sobs. Mark and Jesse, at different ends of the hallway, both reacted at the same time, turning and rushing towards the noise.
Mark paused only to ask a nurse to page Doctor Martin before entering the room, speaking as he reached out and gently touched the crying patient in the bed not wanting to distress her any more than she already was.
"Rae, Honey." There was no pause in the tears but he saw her dark eyes dart in his direction just the once, she knew he was there. "Whatever is it?" Taking in the scene before him, the ruined breakfast, the shocked and slightly scared nurse standing at the end of the bed, the uneven ragged breathing of his injured friend, Mark swallowed hard. Then, just for a second, he turned towards Jesse, who was now standing in the doorway, and nodded. "I've got it, go, I'll find you."
With a heavy heart the younger man returned the way he had come up the hallway, knowing that, of the two of them, Mark stood a far greater chance of reaching her right now.
The only place he could think of going was the doctors' lounge in the ER. It had been his sanctuary so often that sometimes he was both amazed and annoyed that other doctors would even enter it. Now though he hoped that it wouldn't be empty, because if it was he would have time to think, and thinking only caused pain. The room, however, shouted out that it was his and his alone and, as he sank down into the saggy sofa, the face of his wife was at the forefront of his mind and he began fitting this latest piece of the jigsaw into place.
Rae had begun showing signs of coming out of her coma after three weeks. It hadn't been sudden though, taking days before she was able to even begin to function independently and although he had hated it then, now he wished he were back during that time when she had welcomed him into her room and her life, the time before the extent of her injuries had become clear.
Although he knew it was a stupid and cowardly thing to do Jesse had pushed all thoughts about how Rae would be, mentally, out of his mind. He knew that a serious head injury could, and probably would, change her personality; he just hadn't wanted to face it.
Alex had kept Rae on the ventilator for another week after she was no longer classified as being comatose; increasing the nutrients she was receiving intravenously to help with the weaning that would be painful for all concerned. Finally, on the Saturday morning, with Jesse waiting outside the room on a chair in the hallway, he and Mark had begun to explain to Rae what they were going to do.
"Honey, we know that you are feeling a little stronger this morning, and we also know that you don't like the ventilator." It was Mark who spoke first, holding her left hand in his as he did so, and hiding Alex from her view.
"Because you've been on it for a long while this time, a little over the month, we need to wean you off of it rather than just remove it. Do you understand that?" Mark waited while Rae took in what he was saying and then Jesse knew that she had blinked once because he continued to speak.
"Do you want Jesse to come hold your hand? Like I said this will take longer, and I mean days longer, to do, we are gonna take it one tiny step at a time."
The blink had been repeated and Jesse found himself sitting holding on to his wife's left hand as, carefully, Alex began to alter the settings on the ventilator and again Mark spoke.
"Ok, what I want you to do is breathe for me. The machine will take over if you can't handle it, but try to concentrate and manage independently."
Again Rae had blinked, just the once, but there had been anxiety in her eyes and Jesse had felt increased pressure from her fingers around his hand.
"It's ok, look, everything's fine; Alex is right there by the machine, you are surrounded by doctors!" Jesse had smiled as he spoke, trying to assure her. "You can do this."
But she hadn't been able to, as soon as the machine wasn't helping her she had panicked and the short period before the ventilator took over had seemed like a lifetime to him as she gripped his hand, tears forming in her eyes.
Mark and Alex had both spoken quietly with Rae, explaining that they would let her rest for a little while and then try again. After three goes, she had finally inhaled two breaths on her own before the task was taken over again for her.
Although the start hadn't been all that auspicious Rae had stuck to it and by the end of her sixth week in the hospital she was breathing unaided all of the time, now though, on the Wednesday of the seventh week, Jesse was pretty sure that Mark would have given her the mask to help her through her latest tantrum.
Tantrum.His waking moments seemed to be filled with people who couldn't keep their tempers under control or others who had great pleasure in telling him all about it. Rae's recovery was definitely being hampered by the severe physical limitations caused by her injuries and she was finding it very difficult to remain relaxed and pleasant to be with. If she became agitated or upset while he wasn't with her it seemed to take no time at all for a message to get to him, filling him in on all the salient details. He knew that some of the comments had been out of concern, the member of staff asking him if Rae had recovered from her latest outburst, or glowering silence. The silences hadn't been restricted to his wife however, he was getting used to the feeling that people were talking about her, about him, behind his back, and he wished that he was better at ignoring it all.
He had known that Anneya would find her mother's absence hard, she always did, and the screaming fits that had accompanied Rae's stay in the hospital in Santa Barbara when she had been shot, were now doing the rounds again, and this time he was sure that the volume had increased. The fact that she was older as well meant that she understood more about the absence, and as he watched his little girl in her quiet, sometimes isolated, world Jesse's heart broke for her.
His eldest daughter, out of school for the summer and so away from her beloved Miss Amy, had taken refuge in her nanny, Miss Vicki, who was her teacher's sister although Jesse knew that as soon as Rae returned home, just as had happened before, everyone but Eliana's mother would be forgotten. In the meantime however, everywhere the young woman went Eliana wanted to go too. At five it was difficult to explain to her that when her nanny had a date she couldn't accompany her, although twice so far the explanation hadn't been needed because Vicki had kindly taken her with her. When she didn't get to go though doors were slammed, and tears shed making Jesse feel a total failure as his words weren't enough to calm and console her.
In the end a solution had been found purely by accident. Daniel had come by to speak with Jesse just as Eliana had stomped off into the playroom her curls bouncing along with her as hot tears fell down her cheeks.
Jesse had explained the situation to the young man and had been both astounded and delighted when he had offered to take her out once or twice a week, with their ever present security guard, maybe to a burger restaurant or a movie, something that was just for her. So far there had been four outings, all successful and all resulting in a happy and smiling little girl, at least for a short while.
He sighed, two of his three girls were happy most of the time; he guessed that wasn't too bad. Anneya just needed companionship, someone who could talk to her in her own language and a cuddle to keep her happy. At least now that Mrs Cameron had arrived Vicki had more time to spend with her. It was companionship that Eliana needed too, and she loved Daniel dearly, so their special times were working well too.
All he had to do now was work out how to provide his wife with a happy and secure future, and then to have her understand what it was and, hopefully, things could get back to some sort of normality.
ooo
Mark watched as Jesse, his shoulders slumped in silent defeat, disappeared from view and then turned back towards Rae. He was very concerned, but not surprised, at her behaviour. She was still completely bedridden, her right arm and shoulder causing her pain and although the movement was returning it was still of little actual use. He knew that she was due to have more tests on her spine later in the week, but so far there had been no feeling or sensation in her right leg, and he also knew that Alex and her orthopaedic surgeon didn't expect her to regain the use of that side of her lower body. Not surprisingly Rae's usually pleasant but strong personality hadn't been seen since she had regained consciousness and he was beginning to wonder whether it was lost for ever.
The ventilator was no longer needed, but he could hear Rae fighting for breath and so gently rested the mask over her face, holding it in place as she gasped and sucked in the air, before steaming up the plastic as she exhaled.
"Shhh, that's it, just breathe steadily; let the machine do the work for a minute."
Rae did as she was told, not really being able to do anything else, and gradually she felt herself relax a little and then she watched as Mark placed the mask in reach of her left hand before turning his head and speaking again.
"Do you want to tell me what that was all about?" The nurse hadn't moved from the end of the bed, and so Mark indicated that she could come closer but still she said nothing.
"I think that I can handle this, but when I'm done could you get a cleaning crew up here?"
"Yes, Doctor, and I'm really sorry if I upset Mrs Travis. I didn't mean to."
"No, I know that. Go get yourself a cup of coffee before you do anything else. You're not hurt are you?"
"No, I was this side of the bed, the breakfast flew that way."
Mark chuckled at the description, "Yes, from the distance covered, I would say it did fly. Thank you, nurse."
The young woman, obviously relieved to be dismissed, made her way from the room and Mark looked for a moment at the mess on the floor. There was cereal, milk, orange juice, as well as toast and coffee all mixed together with shards of glass, pieces of china, a knife, two spoons and a small, wet, mountain of sugar with a blob of jam on top of it.
"Did you eat anything?"
"No." It had become Rae's favourite word. Almost everything was 'no'. Her speech was extremely limited, although her comprehension was fine. Rae had made no effort yet to speak unless she was spoken to and her therapist could already tell that she would need to be taught again how to form words, put them together into sentences, she would, in essence, have to learn her own language again but, it seemed, only verbally. Jo had brought in a magazine, mainly for Rae to look at the pictures, but she had been found staring intently at it, and it was clear that she was, slowly, recognizing the letters, making words and then reading them. Once again Mark had been amazed by the powers of the mind and hoped that they would find many other things that Rae could still accomplish.
The injuries that Rae had received to the right hand side of her brain would mainly affect her balance and her spatial awareness. Already she was finding ordinary movements such as wiping her eyes when she cried, or reaching out to touch someone, difficult and unnerving. The same magazine that she had been concentrating on so hard had slipped from her fingers to the floor when she had tried to move it a little closer to her and turning the pages had been a task that she could no longer achieve.
"Would you like me to get you some more breakfast?" Mark had a feeling that he knew the answer before he asked the question.
"No." This time there was no eye contact. Rae knew that Mark wouldn't like her response.
"Honey, you have to eat. Otherwise you'll be back on a drip again. Let me get you some toast, we can cut that up into soldiers and they'll be gone in no time."
"NO!" Her ribs no longer hurt, the pain in her shoulder and arm was just about bearable and Rae didn't want to be treated like a child. She screamed at Mark, putting all her venom into the one word and then, whether by luck or judgement, her hand made contact with his chest and she pushed him away, causing him to stagger back into Alex.
"GOWAY! Goway, goway, goway." She was banging the bedcovers with her fist now, up and down, jerky movements, her hand clenched tightly and tears again starting in her eyes.
Alex took the entire scene in with a glance and, making sure that Mark was steady on his feet and uninjured, moved over and placed a hand on either arm of his patient, hoping that he wouldn't hurt her, but knowing he had no real choice in the matter.
"Rae!"
"Goway." The word was new to both men, but they had no doubt what it was she was trying to say.
"Rae, stop it! You'll hurt yourself." Alex kept a firm grip on her but he could see that he wasn't making any impression and he was worried about the damage she might be doing to her already bruised and abused body. With a deep sigh he began to speak quietly, requesting Mark's assistance, telling him what it was he needed and then watching as he left the room for a moment before turning his attention back to Rae hoping that he could calm her before his friend returned.
"Rae. Let me help you." He waited, but she didn't seem to take any notice of him, still trying to give vent to her fury. "Honey, you need to calm down." Rae's breathing was coming hard and fast now; she was almost in self-destruct mode, and so he lifted the mask to her face hoping that its presence would begin the process of returning her to a more relaxed state of mind.
At first she fought it, but turning her head from one side to the other caused her not only more pain but also made her vision blur and so finally she had to let Alex rest the black vinyl padded mouthpiece over her face and then gratefully she drank in the oxygen before again moving, or trying to move, away from him.
By the time Mark came back into the room the decision had been made and, knowing that he had no alternative, but still with a heavy heart, Alex carefully, gently, sedated his patient.
ooo
The waiting room to Lauren Yung's consulting rooms was obviously newly decorated. The walls, painted in colours that were muted and calming, had no marks or blemishes on them. The pictures which adorned them, one on each shorter wall and two on the longer ones were of lakes and mountains. The entire scheme, including the plants, soft chairs and low lighting, was intended to put patients at their ease, but Steve had a feeling that it would take more than clever interior design to accomplish that with him. He had been here before, but the sessions had been fact-finding, talking about family, friends, and their place in his life. Nothing threatening, nothing scary, but this time would be different, this time he had to do the talking, and that talking would cover what had brought him here in the first place.
He was very early for his appointment; almost thirty minutes, but had known that if he stayed in his office he would get sidetracked and then be late. He had also hoped to visit with Jayden first, but the nurse on the desk had told him that there was a crisis with another child so there was a request for no visitors that morning.
So now he had the option of sitting and looking at chic magazines, the sort his wife bought, or letting his mind go over some of the things that he wanted to discuss. Not having the energy to lean forward and pick up anything to read he instead tried to put his thoughts in order.
He knew that his ex-colleagues at North Hollywood considered him a good cop but a bit of an oddity. Very few men of his age not only worked with their father but lived with him too which, before he met Jo, was exactly what he had done. He also knew that without the reassurance of having Alex move in with his dad he would have been unable to live with Jo in Beverly Hills, and he would be forever grateful to the younger man for taking over his apartment from him.
Mark had given him the lease to the lower half of the beach house as a wedding present and so the rent that Alex paid had come to him. It was sitting very nicely in a high interest account and when the young doctor got married himself Steve planned to hand it all back to him.
He wasn't sure how his colleagues had seen him, apart from his ability and his love for his father, but he didn't think that they would imagine him as someone who brooded and pondered things far longer than was probably necessary.
The fact was though that his job did effect him, the things that he saw and heard about on a daily basis gradually lowered his resistance until it got to the point where he would take off on his own, maybe just for a day or two to recharge his batteries and try to put things back into perspective again. This time though he had a feeling that a day or two's solitude wasn't going to be enough.
The vacation in Palm Springs had been wonderful, the luxury unsurpassed, but instead of relaxing and recharging him it had done the opposite, making him feel more vulnerable, and in need of help, than ever.
So now, here he was, sitting in a comfortable chair, waiting to speak with a woman that he knew both Rae and Jesse trusted implicitly, and he was relieved to discover that he too had the chance to feel that way.
Trying to relax both his mind and body had been a very difficult thing lately, but now, stretching his long legs out in front of him, he cast his mind back, wanting to think through the positives that had been gained from his family vacation, and a small smile crossed his features as he closed his eyes and remembered.
"Steve, Honey, if you don't put all that filin' away right now I will come an' shred it!" His wife's voice was loud and insistent and he knew that he had pushed her as far as she was going to let him. He closed the thin manila folder and slid it into his briefcase along with his laptop and three other files. He then zipped it up, put the lock on it and twiddled the numbers so that it was fastened securely before making his way out into the hallway to see Jo talking quietly with Juan.
"My brother will be arrivin' on Monday, hopefully we will be back before he gets here, but if not can you put his things in the RoseRoom an' make sure that there is a crib available in case Damita is stayin' with us? The security guards will be patrollin' over the weekend an' so you are free to go off an' have a good time yourself." Jo had paused for a moment. "I know that things haven't been easy since you joined us, an' replacin' Michael was always gonna be a hard task. I hope you will accept this little bonus an' have yourself a real good time."
A small envelope had been handed to the tall Spanish butler and then Jo, blushing a little, had turned and smiled at her husband.
"Are you ready, Honey?" He had nodded and then the sound of their son's voice had broken into the one sided conversation.
"Mom, it's here." Daniel had been, at his mother's request, watching out of the window at the front of the house. He hadn't known what it was he was looking for, but there was no doubt that he thought he had it right.
"Good, what do you think?" Jo's smile was huge, and it was clear that she was enjoying herself enormously.
"That is just so cool!" He had told his dad that he hadn't been able to quite believe what he saw, but Steve had said that he should have guessed that his mom would do something to start the vacation off on a high note.
There had been a knock at the door then and Juan had moved to answer it. The man standing outside, in a black suit with a peaked cap in his left hand, had removed his dark shades before speaking.
"Good morning, is this the Sloan residence?"
Juan had answered in the affirmative and Daniel had pulled on his dad's hand.
"Come and see, Dad, come see!"
Moving across to the window Steve looked out to see a stretch, white Lincoln Towncar. It had tinted windows, and the rear doors were easily an ordinary car's length from the driver and passenger ones.
Juan picked up two of the suitcases resting just inside the small waiting room at the front of the house and the chauffeur took another two. Jo, looking like a cat who had found the cream, turned to her husband and son, not speaking but obviously waiting for a reaction.
"Do we get to drive all the way in that?" Daniel looked as excited as his mom.
"Oh yeah, an' then home again on Monday. The security guards will have to travel in their own car though."
Steve had moved across and gently taken his wife's hand into his own. He knew that this entire trip was for his benefit, and the opportunity not to have to drive was a welcome one.
With a small bow he began to speak. "Thank you. Shall we get ready to embark?" He couldn't think of another word, somehow climb in or get in, seemed far too ordinary.
Now, with a smile on his face, Steve let himself return to the present day. The journey had sped by; there had been a bar in the back of the limo, soft drinks for Daniel, champagne for Jo and himself. There had also been room, had they wanted to do so, for them all to lie outstretched, a set of leather seats to themselves, and sleep the entire way. They hadn't done that though, instead he had sat, his arm around Jo while she rested her head on his shoulder. Daniel, on the other hand, had been almost glued to the windows, watching the expressions on the faces of the drivers of other vehicles as they passed them, enjoying seeing without being seen himself.
"Captain Sloan, would you like to come through? I'm sorry to have kept you waiting." A soft voice broke into his thoughts and he looked round with a start.
"Oh, sorry, I … yes, thank you." Great, he was flustered, not a good start. He tried to remember what Jesse had said to him when he asked whether Lauren would see him too. That she was very nice, open, down to earth and not at all fazed by anything that you could possibly think of to say to her. Then, feeling just a little more confident, and less like a fly in a spider's parlour he followed her into her office.
ooo
With the crisis that had befallen one of the young babies in the unit now resolved successfully, Jo sat in the NICU stunned at what she had just heard about her own child. All her emotions were on overload, she wanted to cry, to scream, to run down the hallways, but she couldn't and so instead she carried on doing what she had been for the last ten minutes or so and looked into the eyes of her youngest son. Jayden looked back up at her, a type of wonder on his face, and slowly, almost fearfully, she reached out a finger and then watched as his little hand grabbed it and held on fast.
Wanting to get herself a little more relaxed than she was, knowing that any anxiety would be passed on to her child, Jo let her mind wander back to the vacation she had spent with her husband and other son.
The limousine that she had ordered had surprised both Steve and Daniel and she had been delighted with their reactions. The chance to sit in the large, luxurious seats in the rear of the vehicle, not in the passenger seat as her husband drove, concentrating on the road the entire time, had been wonderful. They had rested in each other's arms, enjoying the chance to be together, not needing to say very much and the miles had just sped by.
When the freeway was left behind and then a large courtyard entered, Daniel hadn't been the only one looking out of the window. She had been thrilled to see that the hotel and spa she had booked, from the outside anyway, seemed as beautiful as it had on the internet.
The chauffeur had left the car and made his way into the main reception area. Jo had placed a hand on her husband's arm as he began to lean towards the door.
"It's all taken care of, just stay where you are." She had smiled. It wasn't very often that she got to flaunt her position or money, but this weekend she intended to do it every chance she got if it meant that Steve had a relaxing and enjoyable stay.
The chauffeur returned after about five minutes and then drove a short distance further before alighting again, opening the rear doors, and touching his cap as they climbed out. The luggage was being taken into a white villa as they smoothed down their clothes and she had tipped the young man before sending him on his way, telling him that they would see him again on the Monday.
Daniel had already disappeared into their home for the next few days and taking Steve by the hand she followed him in.
The floor was white tile, changing to deep pile carpet as they moved into the sitting room. There were lemon coloured chairs and a love seat along with side tables and expensive looking ornaments all leading towards a beautiful white fireplace. There was also a fully equipped kitchen, although she had no intention of cooking, planning instead to eat in the restaurants in the main part of the resort.
The bedrooms, three of them in all, were also white, with brightly coloured artwork on the walls and even softer carpeting underfoot. Their king-sized bed was almost impossibly deep and when they had gone into the room that would be Daniel's he hadn't been able to resist flinging himself onto his.
They had walked through French doors out onto a private patio where a hot tub was already bubbling and waiting for them. There were only two villas with totally private facilities, and this was one of them. Half an hour after arriving the two of them were in the tub, and Daniel was chatting with Maddie on the internet, telling her all about where he was and what he was going to do while he was there.
Daniel had asked permission to go to the main swimming pool once he finished talking with Maddie and, with his guard following along behind him, had left his mom and dad alone. Steve had slipped his arms around her, kissing her deeply and moving his body closer to her own. Knowing that they were now totally by themselves, apart from their own guard who was in the villa, her husband had slowly removed her swim suit before making love to her in the water, gently and tenderly and Los Angeles and all their problems had finally seemed a long way away.
Belinda was sitting at her desk, watching carefully but not intruding. The file on her desk, not as thick as most when a baby was born as early as Jayden Daniel Michael Sloan had been, was almost complete and she had just told Jo that in a week she could take her son home. She could see that although Jo was nervous about what was to come she was also quite content sitting with her son, his little hand held tightly around her finger as she enjoyed the quiet atmosphere of the NICU.
As the memories of Palm Springs disappeared back into the past the uncertainty that Jo felt threatened her again and, swallowing down her fear, she looked over to where the friendly nurse sat and spoke hesitantly.
"You're sure? Absolutely sure."
Getting to her feet Belinda moved across and sat in the chair next to Jo. "Yes, I'm sure. You've been here when most of his tests have been done, heard how pleased with his progress Doctor Isherwood is. He really is ready to sample the delights of the outside world."
"I can't believe it. I can take him home, be a real mom to him. Thank you, thank you so much … I have … I have to go." Her eyes filled with tears, but realization also hit her, the plans that she had wanted to set in motion before Rae had been injured had lain dormant ever since. She needed to get on them.
"Oh, ok. Jo, are you alright?" Belinda was concerned that she would want to just up and leave the way she was, but even as she spoke the nurse knew that the question wasn't needed. There was an excitement in her friend's eyes, a spark, that hadn't been there since the British cop had been hurt and as Jo went to remove her gown she left the nurse feeling as happy and positive as she was.
ooo
The silence had seemed to grow around them, the prisoner one side of the table, the two law enforcers the other. It was a scene that had been repeated many times over the last two months, or almost two months, and Cheryl knew that it would be repeated again many times before Dominic, Matthew, Nicholas, whoever he was, had his day in court. The public defender that had been assigned to the case had been with his client at every meeting, but today, as every day since the very first time he had come, he was being ignored. Cheryl and Ron had actually felt badly for the young man, but if their killer didn't want to take his advice or confer with him then they had no intention of interfering.
Something, somehow, was different today, Cheryl wasn't sure what it was, but the silence was … different. There was no other word to describe it, it wasn't charged, or dangerous, it wasn't heavy or ponderous, it was just … different. Risking a glance over to where Ron sat she saw he was deep in thought, but she also knew that any movement from across the table and he would be right on it. They watched their prisoner as he shuddered for a moment and then Matthew, for it was his voice now that they heard, spoke.
"I need to go to the bathroom." They were the first words that had been uttered in over a half hour. They were also the same words that had been spoken then as well.
"You just went. What's the matter, you fancy the guard or something?" Ron's words, not spat out or shouted, cut to the quick however, and had an instant result.
"NO! I'm not that way." It was a reaction, but not one they had expected, and so the now experienced team worked from it.
"Oh, come on, Matty, I've seen the way you look at him, and he is kinda cute." Cheryl took over, she knew how to play Matthew, knew how to get under his skin, trouble was, until about two seconds ago, she had thought they were dealing with Dominic.
"Stop it! Don't call me that, I'm not gay, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!" The chair scraped on the concrete floor as the young man, his eyes darting left and right moved it back from the table. "I need to go to the bathroom."
"You just went and I just told you that. Surely you can wait a little longer." Now it was Ron's turn to speak.
Shaking his head, as if in sadness, and showing in his face that he knew neither of them understood, Matthew spoke again. "That wasn't me, that was Dominic, now I need to go."
Unwilling to lose the momentum which they felt was building Ron looked at his watch. "Half an hour. They're being cleaned right now, so half an hour."
Amazingly this seemed to appease Matthew and, lowering his eyes, he tried to relax and listen to what they had to say.
"So, talk to me, Matty, why does it worry you what people think? I thought that you were the Red Rose Killer, a guy like that hardly worries if people think he's gay."
Cheryl watched as once again the shortening of his name agitated their prisoner. She had found out, purely by accident, he hated being called anything other than his full name and so now she used the abbreviated form whenever she felt the situation called for it. She also made sure she called him Matthew as well, trying to show that she was on his side sometimes, because she hoped it would increase his uncertainty as to how she was going to treat him, and so far it seemed to be working.
"I'm not gay; I'm shy, but not gay." Matthew wished that he could retreat, could disappear back inside and let Dominic or Nicholas take over, but he could feel that if he did go neither of them would take his place, and he didn't want to wake up in the prison infirmary again.
"How about Dominic then, is he gay?" It wasn't an avenue she wanted to pursue, but Cheryl was trying to separate the three identities so that she could understand them all better. She had tried asking one persona to leave so that another could join them but that didn't seem to work. They would pop up when they felt that the conversation was geared to them. Dominic was charming, almost flirting with Cheryl but totally ignoring Ron, Nicholas was domineering and arrogant while Matthew just wanted to be left alone.
"He always gets the girl. No one would look twice at me. He's confident, good looking, that's why I was always so surprised when …" Matthew stopped talking and Cheryl held her breath. She had no idea what it was he was going to say but she had a feeling that it was very important and she willed the lawyer to keep quiet.
The silence returned, and Matthew tried to hide. He knew if he stayed that he would have to finish what he was going to say. Dominic and Nicholas might be able to lie to the cops but he couldn't.
The tall black man sitting opposite him, the Fed, put the fear of God into him; he would come striding down the hallway, nod at the guard, march into the room and then wait for his partner to come join him.
Matthew wasn't much more at ease with the female detective. Pretty and softly spoken, he tried to relax when she was with him but it wasn't easy. Now she was looking him in the eye and he just knew that she was waiting for him to complete his sentence. He wanted to look away, but he was like a moth drawn to a flame. For such a long time he had given nothing away, at least nothing that was of any use in the case, but now he was tired, tired of hiding, tired of being the one pushed forward to answer the personal stuff and finally, unable to resist any longer, he began to speak again.
"First of all, in New York, San Francisco, even here for a while, I swear I didn't know what he was doing. He would have a date with someone, and then they would never call, never be seen ever again. I … I would find blood soaked clothes; I knew I had to get rid of them, but I didn't know where they'd come from. I even burned some of them on the fire escape until I got told not to."
"Mr. Large, you really need to consider what you are saying." She had known that the public defender couldn't let that go but she also had a feeling that Matthew was on a one way street, unable to stop now until he had finished what he had to say.
"No, no, I'm ok, really." He had to carry on; maybe he would feel better if he let some of this slip out.
Cheryl knew that the fire escape and what had happened on it was one of the reasons that Rae had joined Matthew to Dominic through Albert and his diary. She also knew that Matthew had a problem even thinking about the fire escape and so she pressed ahead.
"Is that the same fire escape that you pushed Rae Yeager from?"
He looked away, eye contact, difficult at the best of times, was now impossible, he wanted to leave, to let his body slide to the floor, but he couldn't, and so very slowly, very quietly he stared at her and said just three words.
"We, and yes."