33 The Hardest Step of All
It had been seven days since Steve had finally visited with her and Rae had spent the time dreading the consultation with her orthopaedic surgeon which, although postponed once, was due to happen that morning. There had been plenty of things going on to keep her mind off of it, but when she was in her room, and wasn't reading, didn't have visitors or could sleep no longer, then she would find herself returning to the undeniable fact that the treatment on her right leg wasn't working.
It had been a month after her accident before she had begun to really take in all the intricacies of her various injuries and she knew those to her lower back and legs had been the most severe.
Over the weeks the injury to her spine had been found to be far less serious than first thought. Her right hip had been pinned and had healed well, but her legs, or at least her right leg had gotten worse instead of better. The surgeon, Jeffery Somerville, had explained to her that there were certain procedures which could be used in cases like hers where part of the fibula from one leg could be removed and used to replace the disintegrated bone of the tibia in the other limb. However, because she had broken both bones in each leg this wasn't an option and the decision had been made to pin the breaks instead, one internally and the other externally, and keep a close eye on the situation.
Her left leg, the less injured of the two, was healing nicely. The pins were doing their job and she was already feeling some sensation and had been moving her foot; she knew that it was only a matter of time before she would be walking on it if it weren't for her right leg, which was, unfortunately, another matter entirely. Almost as soon as she had been taken off all her medication, a gradual process, which had ended when the antibiotics, the last ones she was taking, except for the pain relief for the endless agony she felt in that leg, had been stopped she had gotten an infection in it and had to go back onto an even stronger course. The infection had hit hard and fast, scaring the life out of not only her but Jesse and Alex as well. She didn't remember all of it, but from reading her own chart and listening to her husband and doctor she knew what had happened.
Jesse had been asked to work an extra shift in the ER and so Rae had been alone since lunchtime when he finally arrived at her bedside hoping to share his evening meal with his wife. There was a book on the floor and he had bent to pick it up, thinking that she had drifted off to sleep as she read, and it had slipped from her hand.
He had gently placed the book on the nightstand and then reached over to move a strand of hair which was resting across her face. The heat that he felt radiating from her caused him to press the buzzer and begin taking her vital signs himself.
His intervention had woken Rae up, and coming to she began to realise that she felt awful. Unsure of exactly where she was Rae had looked round, hoping to see a familiar face.
"Jess?" Her voice had been broken, and dry sounding so he had carefully given her a small drink of water.
"It's ok, Honey, we just need to check your leg. Alex'll be here in a minute."
"K." She remembered letting herself drift, until suddenly she cried out in agony.
"Shhh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." The voice, Alex's not Jesse's, seemed to come from a distance, she didn't want to concentrate on it, and instead she had held tightly to the hand that was suddenly resting inside her own as she wondered how long her doctor had been in the room.
The pain, as her right leg was checked over by Alex and then by her orthopaedic surgeon, increased so much that it had caused her to pass out. Not wanting to add to her obvious distress, Alex had sedated her so that a more detailed examination could take place.
By the morning the broad spectrum antibiotics had been reintroduced, just thirty-six hours after they had been stopped, to try to combat the serious infection that had resulted from their absence; with that had come the confirmation of news she had a feeling they had all be expecting but trying to ignore, her right leg just wasn't healing.
Rae wasn't a fool, she had read up on the various options open to her, as well as consulting with a cousin in England who had received a similar type of injury in a motor cycle accident. His advice to her had been unequivocal, if drastic, but she knew that even without his input she would have made the same decision alone.
Jesse had departed the previous evening angry, tearful and upset, having been unable to persuade her to change her mind, but he had called as soon as he arrived home to say that he was wrong to have been cross, that the choice, whether he agreed or not was, in the end, hers, and he would support whatever she decided to do as long as she didn't rush into it, and discussed it openly first.
Rae found now that she no longer feared the consultation because of what Doctor Somerville might say, but because she didn't want him to try and change her mind. While she was waiting Rae concentrated on her left foot, as it seemed to stare back at her from the end of the bed and then stuck her tongue out at it. The nail on her big toe had a smiley face on it thanks to Maddie, who had visited the previous afternoon with Daniel, and for a moment she looked at it and smiled too. The time they had spent together had been very pleasant, and her room had felt extremely empty once they left. Pushing the memory aside with regret Rae thought instead about how her left foot felt, trying to gauge whether the pain was really subsiding as much as she thought, before moving it in a small circle and then trying to write her name in the air with her decorated toe.
"Well, that looks very promising." There was a light tap on her doorframe, "Good morning, Mrs. Travis, may I come in?" The New York accent told her that it was her doctor before she turned her head to see the tall, black haired man standing with Alex in the doorway.
"Yes." She wasn't being rude; she just didn't want to use up her energy before the conversation began to get critical.
All the usual checks were done on both legs, and the scans and x-rays taken the previous day were looked at as a quiet discussion was held at the end of her bed. At last though all the preliminaries were over and Alex moved closer to her.
His eyes were tinged with pain, he would never have admitted it, but he had been dreading this meeting, as he knew Doctor Somerville had. This was a part of their job that neither man relished, and he was hoping that all the positiveness Rae had been exhibiting wouldn't be extinguished because of them. "I think you know some of what we are gonna say to you don't you?"
"My leg not good. Need more treatment or … or go. I want it go."
"Rae!" His voice came out far louder than he had planned and he lowered it quickly. "Rae, there are lots of things we can try before we get to that situation, how can you say that?"
"It come from here!" She pointed at her mouth and tried a smile, but knew that although her decision was the right one for her, she would have to convince not only Alex and Jeffery but also Lauren before getting them to agree and humour probably wasn't the way to go.
"Stop it! You know exactly what I mean." His voice was angry now; he couldn't believe they were even talking about this so soon. "Have you thought this through, what it would mean for you, your family? What does Jesse think? Lauren? Why didn't you ask me about it? How can you even think of doing something so irreversible?" Alex stopped as he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Doctor Martin, do you think you could go and see if Doctor Yung is available? I can stay with Mrs. Travis." Jeffery smiled, hoping that the young man in front of him would see his request for what it was, a chance to go and cool off a little.
"Um, yeah, sure." Without another word, but feeling embarrassed that he hadn't been able to keep his emotions inside and had been summarily dismissed, Alex left the room.
ooo
Jesse came out of Lauren Yung's office just as Alex arrived and he checked his watch. He was surprised to see his young friend, knowing that Rae's consultation would be happening right now.
"Alex?" He had arranged to see Lauren at this time because Rae had asked him not to be present while she and her doctors talked. Not because she didn't want him there, in many ways she did, but she knew he was upset about her decision, and that she would get upset too if he was there.
"I've come to get Lauren; Jeff wants her to speak with Rae."
"Is she alright, should I go to her do you think?" Jesse looked in the eyes of his friend, and could see that he was upset, maybe a little angry, but definitely upset.
"Oh yeah, she's just fine, it's the rest of us who are having the problems!" His voice was, once again, raised and he turned his face away as Jesse looked at him questioningly.
"I … I'm sorry, Jesse, I know it isn't my decision to make, and I should respect her wishes, but it's only been five months, there are still other things we could try."
Jesse sat down on one of the chairs in Lauren's thankfully empty waiting room and indicated for Alex to do the same.
"Yes, there are, and she knows that, she's looked into it all, but this is what she wants. Alex, Rae isn't a fool; she certainly isn't making a hasty or ill judged decision. I've been surfing the internet finding out as much current information as possible and then bringing it for her to read. You've known her a long time; you should realize that she doesn't make decisions, even unimportant ones, if she isn't well prepared. Trust me this time she definitely knows what she's talking about."
"It's just … I don't … she's been through so much, Jesse, not only this time, but over and over, for her career to end like this, it's just …" He couldn't continue, his feelings were too near the surface, and he didn't have them under control at all yet. Rae's announcement had shocked him, he hadn't considered her wanting to go for the last option so soon, but now he had to think about the fact that she wouldn't back down from that option either.
ooo
The legal papers had arrived from Debbie's lawyers two days previously. Gilbert Sholte had come to the house early on the Wednesday morning and he, Steve, Jo, David, who was on a visit with his daughter, and Michael had made themselves comfortable around the table in the library, to review everything.
The table was a beautiful oak, dark and shining with intricate patterns running through the wood and a lighter, golden wood inlaid to show off the talents of its creator. Spread out all over it now were small piles of papers. Each person, sitting in one of the matching oak chairs, had a copy of every page relevant to the matters at hand. Gilbert was sitting in one of the carver chairs, which were positioned at each end of the table, while Jo had made herself comfortable in the other.
Jayden was fast asleep in what Rae had described as a bouncy chair when she had used one for Eliana and Anneya. As far as Jo was concerned it had to be one of the best inventions on the planet. Jayden just loved it. He could be put in the material seat which was pulled tight over a metal frame, bent at the bottom to form the floor support. Once he was comfortable and strapped in then the gentle movement of his momma's foot underneath the metal just rocked him up and down enough to either keep him happy if he were awake, or send him off to the land of his dreams if he was getting sleepy. As it was the nanny's day off, Jo was enjoying being his primary carer and had no intention of taking him upstairs when he needed his nap.
"Now, I realise that it would be very tempting to keep all our information to ourselves, and let Mrs Walters proceed with her action to acquire the Walters millions, in the dark, shall we say, however, I think that we must pull ourselves together and act in a seemly manner."
Michael nodded his head in agreement with Mr Sholte, as his sister made her disapproval apparent. He wasn't used to being included in this type of meeting, it would have been his place to provide the refreshments that Juan had brought in just a few minutes earlier, not that he was complaining, he had been delighted to be invited.
"The amounts of money that Mrs Walters was hoping to obtain were quite substantial, and so I feel that we need to consolidate our position immediately, let her lawyers know the paperwork to dispute her claim is in our possession and we will have no hesitation to produce it in court should she continue."
"I'm guessin' that although she doesn't realise we have these papers she must be aware of their existence." Jo held the copies in her hand as she spoke. The letters, which had, first of all, been just an interesting visit into the past that she had hoped to include in a now defunct museum project, were instead turning into the vital documents which would keep her fortune where it belonged, with the Walters.
"She must know the adoption, which would have been needed because the woman wasn't the child's natural mother, was legally bindin'. All responsibility was passed with that document, an' if we were now a poor family strugglin' to make ends meet in Texas rather than ownin' most of it, well I doubt if she would be so anxious to be a part of it all!"
Jo had to admit that because of this case and the threat it posed to her family and their assets she had visited with her accountants at Mallard and Fox to find out just how much she was actually worth, which was something she had never known before, or not in quite as much detail as she did now. She also knew if she showed all the figures to her husband he would probably freak. What he didn't know, she had decided, wouldn't hurt him, the fact that they were extremely wealthy was enough right now.
Canny, as he insisted she call him, 'Canny, my dear, short for Canard, French for duck, you remember', had been extremely gracious, going over things personally to show her how she was involved in almost every type of legal business venture she could think of. Jo had seriously considered changing her accountants after Marmaduke Fox had been murdered, but in the end she had listened to Gilbert when he told her that as far as he and an independent accountant could see, Renny, 'short for Renard, you remember,' had, apart from the two accounts which had had their funds transferred and diverted without Jo's permission, but thanks, she was sure to Debbie's interference, done an excellent job and he had no doubt that Mr. Mallard would continue to do the same.
The thought of changing accountants again hadn't been a prospect she had viewed with delight and so she had been happy to accept her lawyer's viewpoint and stay where she was. The past few weeks had shown her the wisdom of that decision and everything they needed from a financial point of view was also on the table, the only thing missing was Mr. Mallard himself, who was in Seattle, visiting his mother.
"If we send copies of these papers to Austin will that be the end of this side of our problems with her?" Steve hadn't looked at the financial papers very closely, just the number of zeroes made his head swim, to have to take in all the different details of companies, properties, stocks, shares and equities, well, he preferred to leave that to the professionals. Jo was his wife, he loved her with all of his heart, her money didn't matter to him in any way apart from the fact that he knew it mattered to her.
"Yes, Sir, it should be, Mrs Walters isn't a stupid lady, and her lawyer is definitely not a stupid man, they won't want to fight something that is going to cost them a lot of money and ultimately get them nowhere, so I think we will hear no more about the legalities of who is entitled to the Walters' wealth." Gilbert smiled as he finished speaking; he was very fond of his two clients and was dismayed at the amount of misfortune which had befallen them lately.
"Good, Jo, Michael, Steve, I am so sorry that this is happenin'. I wish I could have handled it all myself, but it got too big for that." David looked suitably upset and Jo leant across and laid a hand on his arm.
"Honey, we are family, we've always been there for each other, that isn't gonna change, an' now there is one more of us too." She smiled at her half brother as she spoke and saw Michael nod his head slightly in acknowledgement of her words.
"She will be extradited, won't she, Steve?" Jo looked across at her husband, worry suddenly evident in her eyes.
"Oh yeah, murder, and conspiracy to murder. You know it never fails to amaze me, how stupid some people can be. She killed Marmaduke herself and then, apparently, gave the gun to Wayne. He shot Daniel with it, and the two crimes were linked by the lab boys who got a match on the slug. The box of bullets found at his apartment had six missing from it, one of which was the one found in Marmaduke. Two of the others in the gun had her fingerprints on them. There is no way, plausible way that is, for her to explain that, nor the fact that it proves she knew Wayne. Add to that the fact that Marmaduke's secretary has positively ID'd her as a potential client who visited two or three times prior to the killing, just before the money started being moved from account to account, and I think you get rid of any reasonable doubt."
The other people around the table had been nodding as Steve spoke, but Jo also felt her heart soar. Her husband, her beloved husband, was speaking about a case with the sort of enthusiasm she was used to hearing, and that was worth all the money she had and more.
ooo
Rae closed her eyes; she didn't want to talk about it any longer. She could understand Doctor Somerville trying to change her mind, he didn't know her as well as the others in the room, but Jesse and Lauren both knew that once her mind was made up she very rarely changed it.
"I get Jesse look on net. I read things he bring me. I sure." Her eyes had opened as she began to speak, but when she finished she closed them again, trying to indicate that she didn't want to discuss it further.
"I think maybe it would be a good idea if Rae and I had a little chat, would you gentlemen excuse us?" Lauren, who was in the chair furthest away from Rae, stood to indicate that she expected no arguments from her colleagues in the room.
There was murmured assent and, collecting up files and x-rays, the two doctors took their leave, Jesse stopping to kiss his wife gently on the cheek as he did so. For a moment or two the women, friends as well as patient and therapist, sat in silence and then Rae spoke.
"I not change mind."
"No, I don't expect you to." She saw the look of shock replaced with a smile and then she continued. "What I do expect is for you to realise that, however difficult this is for you, it will be ten times, a hundred times, harder for those who love you."
"I can't help that. This for me, for my life." Her eyes flashed, and some of the old Rae spirit flared. "I not want stay here. I want be with girls, with Jesse. But not this way."
"But this way could mean you have two legs; you could be as you were before."
"No." The one word was spoken so sadly that Lauren couldn't face her friend. "I never old Rae. She gone. I find new Rae, one who good mum, good wife. I not that now. This," she indicated the leg that was causing her so much pain, causing her friends so much grief, and then carried on talking, "this go. I get new leg, new life."
"What if you change your mind? Once it's gone, it's gone; you'll be left with a prosthetic limb for the rest of your life. What if you can't tolerate it? What if then you wish you never had the operation, how will you cope with just a stump?" Lauren knew she sounded harsh but she needed to understand how serious her friend was.
"I not know. But I face it. This, this leg, can't face. I strong, but not that strong. Want start living now, not wait."
Lauren knew the argument would be eloquent if her friend could speak more fluently. As it was, even though her words left room for misinterpretation and an opportunity for an attempt at persuasion, she also knew that to do so would be futile.
"I have in … inf … ation." The word didn't sound quite right to her own ears, but Rae hoped that Lauren would understand. Her therapist hadn't had many problems deciphering what she was trying to say. "Leg, in … f … ation. You see?"
Lauren watched as Rae opened the drawer to her nightstand and tried to take out a folder of papers. Her fingers didn't grasp things very well, and in the end she took over and removed them for her.
"This, you want me to look at this?" Rae nodded and so Lauren opened the file. Rae's laptop sat on a table that slid over the bed. For a little while each day she had been writing e-mails to her children in the U.K. and putting them onto a memory stick for Jesse to send in the evenings. He would then return the next day with any new information he had found on what having a lower limb amputated would entail as well as any mail she had received from family and friends in the last twenty-four hours. There was usually quite a large amount of both.
"These good … site … Jesse find."
"Ok, that's fine." Lauren leafed through the various sheets, reading some of it, looking at pictures which had also been printed out and wondering at the strength of someone who could have her husband find all the information, read it all and then talk about it objectively. There was also a long letter, presumably sent over the internet, from someone called Richard who lived north of London. He explained how he had suffered through treatment similar to the sort that Lauren knew Jeff and Alex would suggest, and how, in the end, the decision to amputate his leg, from just below the hip in his case, had been the best choice he had made, and wished it had happened immediately after his accident.
"You know you're different from Richard? Just because he feels this way doesn't mean you have to."
"I know. But do. Lauren, I fed up to hurt. I know this right."
There was a tap at the door just then and turning both women saw Alex standing uncertainly on the threshold. Rae felt tears flood her eyes unexpectedly and then he was there next to her, apologising for his absence from the meeting, as she quietly shushed him.
"Alex, good doctor, you keep me 'live. But this, this my decision. Please."
"I know it is. I also know that you have been to hell and back more than once over the last few years, but, Rae, I don't want your career to end this way …"
"Alex, career over … this for me … not be cop I know that. Help me?" There was sadness in her voice and her face as she interrupted quietly.
"Ok, I'll listen to your arguments, and look at the research you have, and if you can persuade me that you understand all it entails, I will do all I can to help you." He had to turn away then, the tears in his friends eyes were upsetting him more than he had thought possible. The fact that the admission he had to make to himself, that the course of treatment Rae wanted would happen, was almost the final straw and his own tears were too near the surface for him to look at anyone any longer.
ooo
The female guard standing in the hallway of Austin county jail shook her head; the meeting in the room behind her had been even more noisy and fractious than usual. She would hold court in the rec room later, that was for sure, and this time she had heard it all, served the woman right too, snobby bitch, and now there was crying, pathetic, there was no doubt about it, this one was gonna suffer if she was found guilty.
"How can I not be the heir?" Debbie sniffed, daintily, and took the proffered Kleenex with a small nod of her head.
"Mrs Walters, I have told you, explained to you, two, three times already, but I will try again. The baby was adopted into the Jardinero family, an' when that happened all rights, as far as the Winchester family were concerned, were willin'ly surrendered. There is nothin' you can do now, all these years, decades later, to change that."
"But Momma always told me that I was the rightful heir to the Walters' millions, I just had to provide my own heir an' everythin' would be fine."
"Well, I'm very sorry, Mrs Walters, but your momma was wrong."
For a moment or two there was no sound in the room but that of Debbie crying. Finally, after a very un-ladylike bout of nose blowing, she spoke again.
"An' the extradition, you can fight that, surely?" Although she worded it as a question, her voice was raised, and there was no doubt that she expected only a positive answer.
"I can try, but the charge of murder in California is gonna be hard to get around."
"Well, find a way!" The words were screeched out now, all pretence at genteelness forgotten in the heat of the moment. "I am payin' you big bucks to get me off on these trumped up charges. Don't expect me to write a cheque if you don't deliver."
The lawyer, Donald Feinstein, wasn't used to being screamed at; what he was used to was dealing with smaller crimes than the ones he was faced with. He knew however, that he was the most expensive lawyer that Debbie Walters could afford now that her blank chequebook had effectively been ripped up.
"If you are not happy with the service I am providin' then I'm sure there are other lawyers in this town who would be only too pleased to take on your case." There weren't, and both he and she knew it. Debbie Walters had become a pariah the moment it became clear she had defrauded one of the most powerful businesses and businessmen in the state of Texas. Donald had considered turning it down himself, but the prospect of fighting a case in the California courts had proved too tempting to resist and so he was, for the time being at least, prepared to represent her.
"I can't change again now, I would have to explain everythin' all over, an' besides, I like you." She smiled the smile that had brought her a thousand drinks and finally the biggest catch she could ever have hoped to make. Sure, she had set her sights on David Walters when she was about thirteen years of age, but she had played the game, kept out of sight, watching, learning, until she knew how to be his ideal woman. Getting pregnant had been a snap, she'd never had a problem getting pregnant the other two times either, of course they hadn't resulted in babies, just large hospital bills, but there had been no way she was gonna get rid of a Walters' baby and her little girl had been the sweetest thing.
"When are you gonna fix it for me to see my chil'? She must be missin' her momma so much. Damita has no say in the fact that that man has just taken her momma away from her. She shouldn't be a victim in all this." The comments might have been slightly more persuasive if Debbie hadn't remained hard faced and dry eyed.
"Your daughter is in California at the moment, an' you know that your visitation rights were lost when Mr. Walters gained full custody of the chil'." That had been another screaming and slanging match. Mr. Feinstein shuddered as he remembered his client, dressed beautifully in a dark cream Dior suit, he knew it was Dior; he had been given explicit instructions as to its make, size and colour before he fetched it from her up-town apartment, finally showing her true self to the judge.
The custody hearing had been heard quickly not only because of the social position of those involved, but also because David Walters had wanted to make sure that whatever the outcome of the trials to come Damita Walters would have no part to play in the closing arguments of either lawyer.
The state had agreed with him that Debbie had, by her behaviour and the charges against her, proved herself to be less than a fit mother. The fact that Debbie's new neighbours had testified to hearing the little girl cry continually with no one comforting her for extended periods of time had also worked against her. Receipts and sightings being used to prove that while Damita cried her mother hadn't even been in the apartment building.
Debbie though, so used to getting her own way, to being pampered within an inch of her life, still thought she would be able to change everything around so she was the victor, not realising everyone else knew, already, that she was preparing to fight a battle she could not win.
ooo
The decision to operate had finally been agreed by Rae's medical team almost two weeks later. All of them were persuaded by the document she had written to show she understood the ramifications of her decision, as well as the effects it would have on those around her.
It hadn't been easy for Rae to see things from another person's point of view, so to have to do so from the position of all the other people in her family, as well as her friends, had been an exercise which had involved a lot of searching within herself.
Although the decision she'd made hadn't been easy, once she had decided to go ahead, as far as she was concerned, the matter was closed. Now she had to face the fact that, as well as being worried about the actual operation, those who loved her really were concerned for her wellbeing afterwards, knowing the reduction in mobility and the psychological consequences couldn't be gauged by her until it was impossible to return to her previous situation.
In Rae's mind, as she imagined what would happen, she could see herself once the operation had taken place. Her life would fall back into some sort of routine, she would recover, slowly she knew, but she would recover, beginning the processes needed to walk with an artificial limb while those around her helped. She realised as she talked with them, wrote e-mails to them, read their replies, that they had thought about this just as carefully, if not more so, than she had and they all had worries which needed to be addressed.
The document, begun as she informed her close circle of loved ones of her decision, started out as quite one sided, she wanted it done, other people would get used to it, and it was a far better outlook for her than continuing treatment none of which was guaranteed to negate the possibility of amputation in the future.
Gradually though, other people's views were considered, discussed and evaluated. None of them were summarily dismissed, and all of them, Rae could see, had merit and needed to be treated seriously.
The e-mails were included in what could be called her report. The concerns were all genuine, as were the replies, and gradually, not only her medical team but also her support team, began to come round to her way of thinking. Those people most important to her, Jesse, Jo, Steve, Mark, Alex, who was in the unique position of being vital to her in both teams, Amanda, her three children in London, John, Patrick and Mara, as well as, to a certain extent, Eliana and Anneya, although they were really too young to understand what was going on, had all had a part to play in the shape of her future.
All of Rae's arguments were compelling; it had only been her short-sightedness with regard to her friends which had needed addressing closely together with her slightly rose coloured view of the future. More research had opened up a world of difficulties to her, but still she knew those difficulties, however hard they were, would be preferable to the life she was facing right now.
Rae was pleased she had been instructed to look more closely into what the amputation would entail, and she knew Jesse was too. They both felt that once the operation was over they would understand each others' positions more accurately and their friends would feel the same way. So, on a Monday morning, six months after her accident, the same day Daniel finally returned to school, Rae was wheeled down to the OR for what she hoped would be the last time, leaving those friends and family to wait, knowing they would, as they had always done, support each other through the waiting hours and beyond.