Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. Never did and never will. ( -_- )
A Curse of Taboo Child
Chapter 2: The Grief
Please…please let it all be nightmare. Hakkai prayed as he closed his eyes as tight as he could. His legs were frozen and his heart was as cold as ice. His mind couldn't accept the death in front of him and yet the truth was inevitable. My eyes are deceiving me! Hakkai furiously denied. Anybody can have red hair! 'Yes, but it is rare.' A part of his mind, which is still insane, argued. 'A hair of a taboo child is rare. Gojyo was dead!' No! Hakkai said vehemently. 'Open you eyes and look in front of you, then.' The voice was annoying! Hakkai clutched his temple tightly, shutting off the voice. 'It's undeniable!'
Hakkai opened his eyes once again as if he tried desperately to prove that it wasn't Gojyo. "Gojyo…" An anguish word came out of instead. It's true! Hakkai thought hysterically. His eyes were burning and he couldn't control his body movement anymore as he felt his feet had the life of their own and walked toward the frozen carcass.
How can this be? Hakkai mourned silently, wordlessly. The arms that had hold me, caressed me…pleasured me last night, was now full with blood. He kneeled beside Gojyo. The lips that I just kissed thoroughly was now cold. He buried his grievance face dejectedly in his hands. The smoldering eyes that had devoured all of me were empty and lifeless…
Grievance suddenly turned into rage. "What the hell had happened?!" Hakkai shouted at Gojyo. When he got no answer, he was angrier. "Damn you to the lowest hell!" Then he broke down, unable to stop the tears from spilling on his pale cheeks.
Goku wiped away his tears that seemed unstoppable. He didn't understand how Gojyo died but it was until this moment, when he saw Gojyo lay motionlessly, did he realized how deep his affection ran. Who would taunt him? Who else would make him so angry and laughed about it? Goku felt a part of him had lost…
Sanzo still couldn't believe it. What the hell?! Gojyo couldn't be dead! They shouldn't be dead! They were on mission of God, for heaven sake! He always threatened to kill Gojyo or Goku but never in his wildest imagination one of them would actually died! Slowly, he clenched his fist tightly, ignoring the ache. His face was grimmer than ever as the memories of his master came back and haunted him. He remembered he came to late and arrived only to witness the gruesome scene in front of him. He remembered the same feeling of helplessness when he realized he couldn't save his master. Now, looking at Gojyo's carcass, he was furious beyond belief when he realized that he had came late. Again.
"Damnation…" he whispered under his breath and his body was shaking in terrible anger.
The people around them slowly left the tragic scene with shaking heads and sympathetic whispers to each other. Hakkai could feel the place was deserted without even lifting his head. The whispers had gone…the footsteps had disappeared. But, then, he didn't really care… If only Gojyo would sat up and grinned, telling them that it had all been a terrible joke…
Wiping away his tears and sinking his grief into the very bottom of his heart, Hakkai slowly stood up and lifted Gojyo's body in his arms. Hakkai lifted his face and Sanzo swallowed hard when he saw the depth of Hakkai's pain.
"I don't know who did this…" Hakkai said in awful voice as he tried very hard to contain his wrath. "Nor what had happened last night…" Sanzo looked at Hakkai and said nothing. His expression was indescribable. Sanzo had never seen Hakkai's face so angry before and he knew what Hakkai was going to say next. "But I will not leave this town until I found that son of a bitch who gave the letter to Gojyo yesterday…" Hakkai narrowed his eyes. He lusted for some bloodshed, anyone with lavender eyes and raven hair, and damned to everyone who stood in his way!
As Hakkai walked past Sanzo, Sanzo silently made his mind. He had already lost one of his companions and the thought of losing another one shook his cool and sanity badly.
"Hakkai…" Sanzo said. Hakkai stopped. To Hakkai it sounded like a whisper but to Sanzo himself, it sounded like a scream. Where did his tranquility demeanor go? He hadn't felt this bloodlust vengeance for so long and why did he felt it now? Had his companions meant to him more than he allowed himself to feel? Sanzo glanced a long look at the crying Goku in front of him, then to Hakkai and with a sharp stab of regret to Gojyo. And the answer came out yes. Yes. Yes. And yes. As annoying and irritating three of them could be, Sanzo knew that there was no one else he would have for company throughout this bloody trip. And what shook Sanzo even more, Gojyo's death seemed to affect him very much. Damn you, Gojyo! Taking a deep breath, Sanzo muttered, "We'll hunt him together." After allowing himself to expose a little part of his feeling, Sanzo walked away. He didn't trust himself to stay cool in front of his companions.
Goku stood up too. He didn't know where to go or what to do. He felt so inadequate. Turning away from Hakkai, Goku ran deeper into the forest. Hakkai looked down at Gojyo and a very sad smile appeared. If only you knew the grief that you have brought upon us, Gojyo… He felt as if he had been stabbed countless times whenever he saw Gojyo's painful face when Death came to take him away. Hakkai looked away, tears fell to his pale cheeks. If only you knew the grief you've brought upon me…
Hakkai had spent the last hour cleaning up Gojyo's bloodied face and there were a time when he had this insanely urge to transfer his qi through Gojyo's body, hoping there would be a miracle. The grief had hardened into anger and hatred. If he ever encountered any man with raven hair and lavender eyes… nothing in this world could stop him killing him slowly and painfully. He had committed a massacre and another one wouldn't mind his blackened soul. So long Gojyo's death will be avenged, Hakkai was willing to go as far as he needed to.
Then, Hakkai reached out for an armless chair and sat, facing Gojyo. He didn't know where to start… and he couldn't think when he was still mourning over Gojyo's death. How the hell did he expect to avenge Gojyo? He couldn't stop this damned tears from falling. Why the hell did Gojyo go alone, anyway? What was written in that letter? Where is it? Hakkai buried his face in his hands. He felt so tense… so unbelievably low-spirited. He couldn't go on… Help me, Gojyo… I can't do this alone… I need you…
Come here, Hakkai… Hakkai's head snapped up for he could have sworn he heard Gojyo called him. But Gojyo was in the same position as before. Hakkai shook his head. Insanity had claimed him sooner than he thought and yet he succumbed himself to the imaginary voice that called him. He left the chair and kneeled beside the bed. Hakkai knew he was crazy but he couldn't resist asking. "What am I to do, Gojyo?" His hand reached out for the cold hand, wishing hard for the hand to grasp his hand back.
Somehow, Gojyo's hand felt wrong. Hakkai frowned and tightened his grip. It wasn't the usual smooth hand with long fingers but it slightly had fattened a little bit and coarsened. His green eyes reverted to the hand and stared at it for a while… Have you lost your mind, Hakkai? He asked himself and shook his head as if to clear the absurd imagination.
"Why did you leave me last night?" He turned his attention back to Gojyo's face.
"What could be so secret that you couldn't ask me to accompany you?"
"Why did you do all the thing you did last night to me, if you are dead the next morning?"
"Why didn't you ANSWER ME?!" Hakkai shouted to the lifeless figure in front of him. "Answer me, damn it!"
Silent. The silence was torturing Hakkai. Gojyo he knew would always have a teasing answer. Gojyo he knew would always have a way to make him blush. Gojyo he knew was dead! And Hakkai didn't even know why.
Goku silently opened the door and watched grievously at Hakkai as he brought Gojyo's hand to his cheek and his shoulders shook. Goku knew Hakkai was crying. He closed the door back and walked aimlessly along the dark corridor of the inn.
Goku didn't understand the whole situation. Yesterday, Gojyo was alive. Gojyo was there to taunt him mercilessly and was enjoying himself hugely. Gojyo was there to flirt with every woman that passed by. But why was he dead today? Who had killed him? There were many things he wanted to know and if only someone would tell him…
"Sanzo…" Goku whispered and immediately stopped when he caught a sight of his master in front of him, leaning his back to the wall. Sanzo turned his face slightly at Goku's direction, his front hair was shadowing part of his face. It hurt to see Hakkai so sad but it hurt more to see Sanzo painful face. Sanzo was trying his damnest not to show his grief but the memories of his past was too painful to be ignored. Goku knew that. He had been with Sanzo longer and he had reached to a place where no one had ever dare to reach.
Goku walked to his master and Sanzo remained motionless. "Sanzo…" Goku started hesitantly and his golden eyes were swimming with tears. "Can…can you hold me…?" Sanzo didn't look away from Goku but he didn't answer either. His face was so dark for Goku to see his reaction at his request. "Hakkai cou…couldn't comfort me right now and he always did. And…and…I was so lost that…I don't know what to do…"
Suddenly, Goku saw Sanzo held out his hand silently and he looked up, didn't know whether Sanzo mean it or not. Seeing Goku's hesitation, Sanzo spoke up, his voice was thick from the grief he had tried to hide. "Take it, Goku." He opened his mouth to say more but he realized that no sound would come out. Damn Gojyo for making him feel this way! "Take my hand…"
Goku started to reach out for Sanzo's hand, exactly like he did when Sanzo came to release him from his imprisonment, but stopped in midway. "Goku… why?" The words came out full of confusion, sadness and yes hurt because it was obvious to him that Goku had changed his mind about wanting his comfort.
"I… I don't want your hand…" Goku whispered and he flung himself into Sanzo's warm body, wrapping his arms tightly. For a while, Sanzo was so shock that he could barely move. Goku had never been this close to him before and the closeness had softly touched Sanzo's frozen heart. Goku buried his face in Sanzo's chest, wetting the robe with his tears and he tightened his embrace even more. Goku knew he was asking the impossible but if only Sanzo would put his arms around him too…
Goku's golden eyes widened with a rush of pleasure when he felt Sanzo's strong arms slowly slid around his body and pulled him closer to him. Goku felt comforted as always when Sanzo was around him. "Why… why did Gojyo have to die?" His muffled voice asked.
Sanzo closed his eyes, asking himself the very same question. Sanzo knew that Hakkai was the one who hurt the most, although he wasn't sure whether it was because their three years of close friendship or something deeper. But then, he was always minding his own business. As if he cared if Gojyo had slept with Hakkai or not. Slowly Sanzo sat down against the wall, bringing Goku with him, who still reluctant to let him go. Somehow, Goku 's gesture pleased him… "I don't know, Goku. I never expected it to happen."
Goku looked up at his master and Sanzo was lost inside Goku's huge and teary golden eyes. "It could have you…" Goku said fearfully.
Ignoring his absurd urge to wipe the tears from Goku's cheeks, Sanzo gave a soft snort. "Don't be stupid."
Goku rested his head in Sanzo's neck, savoring the fact that Sanzo was still here and alive. Sanzo knew he shouldn't be feeling anything right now. He was only comforting Goku, for heaven's sake! But the feel of Goku in his arms was perfect and somehow it felt right. Damn it! Sanzo thought and he was about to push Goku away when Goku's next words froze him. "I…I don't know what will I do if you left me, Sanzo." Goku whispered. "You are my light… my purpose of life… without you, I will be living in the dark."
Sanzo felt his heart accelerated. The hell?! He was to be the emotionless, in control of everything and hard. Sweet talks should not made his heart pounding like this! Especially when they came from a half-wit monkey! But it did. Goku had said those to him and Sanzo knew that no one could have said it sweeter and more innocent than Goku. Suddenly, all his intention to push Goku away vanished and without himself knowing it, Sanzo tightened his embrace and pulled him closer.
"You are my everything…" Goku whispered. "Don't leave me…"
"I won't."
The words were short but to Goku it was more than enough.
* * * * * *
Hakkai burst into the inn's restaurant, his blazing green eyes looked around. Followed closely behind him were Sanzo and Goku. They had agreed to come along, in case Hakkai got to angry to think clearly that instead of asking, he would end up burning the whole inn down. Marching threateningly towards the bar counter, Hakkai's eyes were still looking the waitress that had passed Gojyo the letter. And he found her.
"Wait," Hakkai ordered the waitress. Lost all his polite greeting and all-smiling face, Sanzo almost didn't recognize the man in front of him. I guess Gojyo had slept with Hakkai. Sanzo snorted at Hakkai's stupidity to be involved in that kind of attachment. Now he was hurting so deep that only a strong urge of vengeance kept Hakkai's sanity in place. Seeing the waitress looked nervously and Hakkai glared ominously, Sanzo concluded his thoughts. It is definitely a very deep relationship.
"Where can I find the man who gave Gojyo the letter?" Hakkai demanded. So I can pull his fucking hands and legs out of their sockets for daring to hurt Gojyo!
"I… I told you I don't know who he is. A traveler like you, I guess." The girl winced when Hakkai scattered his long-forgotten curses before he turned around. She ran away before Sanzo could ask her further.
"Damn it, Hakkai!" Sanzo glared at the man beside him. "We cannot get anywhere if you go crazy like this!"
Hakkai turned around to snap a scathing remark to Sanzo; a thing he would never do before, when a man bravely or stupidly came forward. "Are you the friend of the dead man yesterday?"
Dead man? Hakkai thought angrily. DEAD MAN?! What the hell is this fat man think of his lover? A whole set of beef? "The dead man has a bloody name," Hakkai fired his anger to the man instead of Sanzo, jabbing a very dangerous finger into the man's chest. "It's Gojyo! If I hear you said dead man again, I swear I'll blow you fucking guts into pieces!" The man blanched and Sanzo shook his head and scowled. If Gojyo saw Hakkai this mad, I wonder if he still wanted to sleep with him? Then Sanzo snorted softly at the irony of his thought. …Gojyo would never had the chance to see it…
"I ask you politely!" The man angered. "At least you can show me some respect!"
Sanzo backed away a few steps, dragging Goku with him and silently wished the man good luck. Hakkai narrowed his eyes, looking as intimidating as ever. This fat man dares to ask for respect?! His respect?!! He was the one who calls Gojyo dead man! "I'll show you my bloody respect!" Hakkai snarled as he swiftly swung his punch to the man's face.
The fight went on until Sanzo decided he had wasted enough time and Hakkai had wasted enough anger and frustration. Raising his gun, Sanzo fired off to the ceiling, causing the fight to cease immediately. He then pointed his gun to the direction of the fat and now bruised man and asked in an awful tone. "You were saying…?"
The fat man gulped noisily for he finally realized he was messing with wrong people. "I want…" He blanched again when Hakkai frowned at his choice of word. "I hope you could remove… I mean…um… bury your dead friend…" he stole a glance at Hakkai and saw him narrowed his eyes. "…Gojyo… so we could use his… his temporary resting place for another visitor."
If the whole situation wasn't so unbearably tensed and depressing, Hakkai would have smiled at the fat man's expression. And Gojyo would have laughed too… A sudden reminder crossed his mind. Suddenly Hakkai felt so emotionally and physically drained that he didn't have the strength to even stand up. He was fighting the grief off so damn hard, trying to feel the anger instead of anguish that he hadn't slept at all. The last time he slept was when Gojyo's arms held around him so possessively. The night Gojyo had lost his life. How I missed him…
Hakkai ran a defeated hand through his hair and exhaling softly. "Fine, I will." With that Hakkai left the restaurant, together with Goku and Sanzo behind him. As three of climbed the stairs to their room, Hakkai hesitantly spoke to Sanzo. "I'm sorry for losing my control just now."
Sanzo just snorted. "Never thought you knew so many curses."
"It just came out. I was so unbelievably angry at that time."
"For a very strong excuse." Sanzo agreed. That was why he didn't stop Hakkai when he swung the first punch. He could see that Hakkai was so strained with anger, grief and regrets that if he didn't find a way to release them he might burst.
They had finally arrived to room, where Gojyo had lain. Hakkai opened the door and instantly, all three of them stood at the doorway, gaping with unbelievable expression on their face. There, lay a dead man, still in the same position as Hakkai had left him. But that wasn't the thing that caught them by utter surprise. The dead man wore Gojyo's bloodied clothes and had the same injuries as Gojyo had but he didn't look like Gojyo at all. Laying in front of them was a demon with black hair.
"Where…Where's… Who's…" Hakkai was utterly speechless that he couldn't form his sentence properly.
"Waahhh…!!! Who stole Gojyo's body?!!!" Goku screeched loudly that surprised the still frozen monk, who was staring unblinkingly at the unknown demon. Automatically, Sanzo took out his paper fan and hit Goku's head. "Shut up!" What the hell?! Who is this?!
"Ouch!!" Goku cried. "I'm telling you, somebody stole Gojyo!"
"One more of your stupid statement, you're going to get it!" Sanzo glared. "Who the hell wants to steal a dead body and replaces it with another fucking body?!"
"So, Gojyo had somehow changed into this?" Goku frowned, trying to understand. Sanzo glowered at the monkey beside him with the paper fan readied in his hand. If this idiot is going to say what I think he's going to say… he's really going to get it… "Is that mean… this is Gojyo's real form?" Goku's dark brows drew in total confusion. That's it!!! Sanzo thought and he swung his paper fan for the second time.
"Ouch! What did you that for?"
"Think before you say, idiot!"
Hakkai's eyes were still enormous as mixture of emotions washed through his body. He was confused, like Goku, still unable to believe his eyes, that was what Sanzo felt, totally angry, which was completely understandable for a man who knew his lover's body had gone and strangely hopeful for this might a chance for him to believe Gojyo was still alive.
As the emotions collided, Hakkai suddenly remembered something that was happened yesterday, when he held Gojyo's hand. What was that…Hakkai furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to remember… yes! Of course! It had somehow changed fatter and coarser! He knew he wasn't imagining things! The dead body wasn't Gojyo, it was a shape shifter! Hakkai thought with a sudden rush of glee that he realized he had said it out loud.
"A shape shifter?" Sanzo repeated. The thought had never crossed his mind, although he had heard that there were demons, which had the ability to transform their body into somebody else. A shape shifter could retain its forged form a day or two after his death. It made sense. This could be a shape shifter.
"What's a shape shifter," Goku asked.
"A demon who can change into whatever person he wanted to be," Hakkai explained. Goku's heart lightened up a bit when he heard Hakkai's familiar tone again, kind and patient. He didn't care who or what a shape shifter was but Hakkai was started to feel happy and Goku was happy too.
"But why changed into Gojyo and died?" Goku relentlessly asked. How can this whole thing be so complicated? Goku groaned silently.
"Good question, Goku," Hakkai answered, keeping his eyes glued to the corpse. He was fat and ugly… I wonder how could I hold those hands? Hakkai shuddered. "Unfortunately, I don't have the answer… for now."
"I think," Sanzo spoke up. "Someone planted this body to deceive us."
"Deceive us?" Hakkai asked. "For what?" Then, Hakkai's expression changed. Of course! How could I do not know?! He stated with a fearful realization.
"He wants us to think Gojyo's dead so we would not to save Gojyo." Hakkai said quietly.
All right, all right. Maybe I made up about the fact a shape shifter can hold on their power after their death. But hey, I couldn't think of anything else. Please review. Tell me if it sucks or should I continue. ( ^_~ )
I hope I left the story suspense enough!