35 Plans for the Future and Memories of the Past

The directors' boardroom at Community General Hospital was buzzing, and Jo looked around, a little embarrassed at all the fuss that was being made. She had waited a long time for her moment though, and so swallowing down her feelings and putting a smile on her face wasn't as hard as she had thought it would be.

Daniel was sitting one side of her, so smart in his black pants, white polo and black leather jacket. He was almost seventeen, and had become a young man before her eyes over the last few months. He sensed that his mom was looking at him and squeezed her hand. "You ok?"

"Oh, yeah, Darlin' I'm just fine, I love you, you do know that, don't you?"

"Yes," the smile was instant, "and you know I love you too." It wasn't a question, just a statement of fact uttered with the confidence of youth and the warm feeling it left her with was delightful.

Steve was sitting in the seat next to her on the other side, looking, she had to admit, devastatingly handsome in his new grey suit. His whole demeanour was one of a man at peace with himself, and she was overjoyed that he was able to feel that way.

When she had suggested he had a few yoga lessons and massages she had never dreamed that six months later he would still be doing both things, although the yoga was now done either with her or occasionally alone, Lorraine coming in once a week to give him a massage. Neither activity was something that Steve would want made common knowledge, but she for one would shout the news from the rooftops if it meant that he stayed the way he was now forever.

Just a little further across the room Rae was standing alongside Jesse talking quietly with Alex and Shannon, no doubt discussing the wedding they would all be attending the following week. Eliana and Anneya were both being bridesmaids and to say they were excited was putting it mildly. Eliana still remembered being a bridesmaid at her Aunty Amanda's wedding, but for Anneya that was, if anything, a fleeting memory, this time though she was definitely going to take it all in and have lots of fun as well. It was clear to everyone concerned that both Alex and Shannon were enjoying their moments all the more because of the enthusiasm of their two little helpers.

Seeing Rae, Jo began to think back, remembering how she and Steve had sat with her in the courtroom as the verdict on Nicholas Large was announced.

The trial hadn't been as long as it would have been had Large not pleaded guilty to most of the charges. The only things to be debated were whether he was guilty of attempting to murder Rae, and whether, when he committed his killings, he was, at that moment in time, insane and unable to recognize the illegality of his actions.

Two weeks after Rae had given evidence, and a week after her relaxing vacation with Jesse, she had been back in the courtroom, sitting between her husband on one side and her best friend the other. She held hands with both of them, and Jo had been able to feel the slight trembling that Rae was unable to keep under control.

"Are you ok, Honey?"

"What? Oh, yes … I fine." She had smiled, seeming a little calmer just from being able to speak. "A little … con … he go jail anyway, but …" the smile had dimmed, and Jo had understood immediately what she meant.

"But, you want him to be convicted on all counts, because that means he'll be payin' for what he did to you."

"Yes … is wrong?" Rae, who, Jo knew, didn't carry a grudge, looked guilty herself as she finished speaking.

"No, of course not, it's only natural. Oh, shhh!" Steve had touched her arm gently as the judge and the jury, as well as the defendant, in Dominic mode, according to her husband who had mentioned it to her later, had entered the courtroom as she and Rae were speaking quietly together. There was a chain around his waist and his hands were joined to it by manacles. He had glared around the courthouse, as if knowing that it would be one of his last chances to threaten or scare anyone. Pulling at his restraints and trying, unsuccessfully, to make eye contact with someone, he scanned the room until he got to Rae, she had stared back at him, not at all intimidated, and in the end it had been he who had looked away.

Once the formalities had been dispensed with the court became hushed as the foreman stood and all eyes were focussed on him.

"The Superior Court of the State of California for the county of Los Angeles, North Hollywood division, the people of California plaintiff vs., Nicholas Large, defendant. Count one, attempted murder of a police officer, Detective Sergeant Reagan Yeager; we the jury in the above entitled case find the defendant guilty …"

None of them heard the rest of the words spoken. Rae had slumped back in her seat, relief written all over her face, Jesse let out a sigh, which seemed to come from the depths of his soul, while Steve just held his wife's hand a little tighter than usual.

Although the foreman also announced that the jury had decided Nicholas was quite aware of his actions, and the affects they would have, in a way it was secondary to the first statement made by the jurors. The Red Rose Killer would go to jail, not to a secure unit where he stood the chance of being released one day, but to a prison, where he would await sentencing, and once that had been done he would be transferred to San Francisco for trial there, and possibly even extradited to other states where he had committed what had now been agreed was premeditated murder.

The verdict had been a welcome one, but there had been no celebration, it was instead treated as the closing of one of the final doors on a period in all their lives which had caused trauma, stress and unnecessary strain on health, futures and relationships, with a fervent hope that none of them would have to go through anything like it ever again.

Now, with the sentence passed as well, the jury deciding that Nicholas Large should be executed for his crimes, they could turn their attention to more pleasant things, and today was the first of what would hopefully be many relaxed and enjoyable occasions for them all to share together.

There was a banging of a gavel on its rest beside her and Jo turned, suddenly scared and excited at the same time, and she felt tears threaten her before she resolutely pushed them away.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to welcome you all here today," and it was obvious from Mark's voice and demeanour that he meant every word, "to announce a very special new scheme, which should make the lives of one group of our extraordinary patients and their relatives a little easier.

"As you know, my son, Steve, and his wife, Jo, have had more chances than many lately to be grateful for the services we offer."

There had been a small ripple of laughter from the assembled audience of both friends and members of the press, and he had paused for a moment, before continuing.

"My eldest grandson, Daniel," again there was a pause, this time as a very proud grandpa looked into the eyes of the young man seated a little further along the table from where he was standing, "had cause to thank the excellent doctors in our ER and OR when he was injured recently, and I know his family, myself included, will be forever indebted to them for all they did."

Daniel, although looking a little uncomfortable and definitely a little flushed, nodded his head in agreement as a barrage of cameras clicked and flashed in his direction.

"Also this year, the staff and facilities of our NICU played a pivotal role in all our lives when my youngest grandson was born almost an entire trimester early. He too is here today, a living testament to the treatment, love and expertise that the members of our staff who work in all areas of maternity and post natal care provide so willingly."

Jo, watching the audience as she listened, saw Belinda standing with Diane, and smiled. The two women had helped keep her son alive, and she would never ever forget that, or them.

"Jayden is now twelve months old, a happy bouncing baby boy who is not only the apple of his father's eye, but his mom's pride and joy, and already has the ability to wind his grandpa around his little finger, although I expect he learnt that trick from his elder brother."

Again there was laughter; this was, after all a relaxed and joyful occasion, there was no need for solemnity, at least not yet.

"We know that Jayden's life hung in the balance for a long while, and though we were luckier than some in that his progress almost followed the textbooks exactly, as you would expect from a doctor's grandchild of course, he still wouldn't be here if it weren't for the treatment he received. So today we are announcing a special scheme, or at least one of us is, and now I have to stop talking, because that one isn't me." The laughter travelled around the room once more, as Mark made a face that was supposed to represent his distress at sitting down, but only served to remind everyone just how much he was enjoying himself. "So please, welcome, along with me, my daughter-in-law, Jo Sloan."

The applause, although not going to remove the roof was loud and long as it travelled around the room, from those who knew of her right through to those who loved her dearly and, standing up and waiting for the microphone to be moved in front of her, Jo found it difficult not to beam in all directions.

"Thank you, Mark, an' thank you everyone for comin' here today to help me launch a programme which is very dear to me, an', I must admit has given me great pleasure to work out an' oversee to this stage in its life.

"As Mark said, our son Jayden was born way too early, the fact that he is here today, an' he is here, fast asleep, but here, had nothin' at all to do with me an' that was very hard to take, very hard indeed." She looked over to where Jayden was seated, blissfully unaware of the world around him, peacefully snoozing in his stroller, and smiled lovingly.

"When he was born I thought my world would end, I couldn't do anythin' for him, machines were keepin' him alive, an' I felt helpless an' alone, even with the love an' encouragement of my family an' friends.

"I was lucky in that I had a friend who had given birth early herself, an' her little girl is my god-daughter, so I knew there was a good chance of a positive outcome for my son. Others aren't as lucky as I am, some young mothers, some not so young mothers, have to go through this experience alone.

"That isn't to say the hospital doesn't provide pastoral care, it does, but at the end of your visit, when you have arrived home, when the front door closes behind you, some people are totally alone.

"When I got the chance to go home, when my need for hospital care was over, Jayden couldn't come with me, an' even with a husband by my side, another chil' who means the world to us waitin' for me, that loneliness was almost overwhelmin'.

"I was helped by a lady called Kathy." Jo looked over to where the young woman was sitting and smiled. It had been her gift that had turned vague wishes into concrete ideas, and she was very grateful to her. "Kathy gave me a bear, a teddy bear, somethin' to cuddle as I went home, accompanied by my family but, for all intents an' purposes, alone. I still have my bear, in fact he is here, right here with me today as well." Jo held up the now slightly battered teddy and smiled, "He doesn't say much, he's a little shy.

"I want to help those women, an' sometimes men, who are left alone, or who, for whatever reason, be it language limitations, financial restrictions, or just plain nervousness, don't get the support an' information they need. To that end, we are announcin' today the formation of the Jayden Club. Any mom-to-be, or father-to-be, can join, because no one knows who will have a premature baby. If your baby is born after the full nine months then the main focus of the club for these families will be a place to talk about problems such as post partum depression, gettin' the help you need to raise your chil' if your financial situation is such that you are havin' trouble makin' ends meet, that type of thin'. If your chil' is born early, then that is where we will really be able to help.

"There will be a full time counsellor on staff at Community General, experienced in the problems that havin' a baby early can bring. A library will be set up containin' all the latest literature on research into early births an' the technology needed to keep them alive. This library will have the finances behind it to keep its shelves stocked with the latest books, but it will also produce pamphlets an' brochures that can be taken away, as well as havin' computers that can access the internet to bring all the sites an' their information to your fingertips in an environment where you can ask, an' have answered, any questions you can't find the solutions to.

"There will also be a fund set aside to pay for two NICU nurses on a full time basis so there is never a situation where cuts in public spendin' means that these children don't get the care they need, the moment they need it. And finally, the scheme that Kathy set up, givin' teddy bears to moms of preemies as well as a listenin' ear will, with her blessin', be made available to everyone in that situation, an' a fund to train women an' men willin' to help counsel an' support these new parents will ensure that no one is ever alone if they don't want to be.

"I know I am extremely fortunate, because my story has a happy endin', that isn't always the case, an' the counsellor I mentioned earlier will also be a bereavement specialist, so that those parents who never get to take their chil' home, will be helped to understand what happened an' why, as well as bein' shown ways to try to carry on with their lives.

"The Jayden Club will have a board of trustees; some givin' their services for free, the others paid only a small stipend so as not to divert any of the money that has more important work to do. My father-in-law, Doctor Mark Sloan, has generously agreed to be the first chairman; the other board members will be myself an' my husband, Police Captain Steve Sloan, as well as Doctor Tabitha Isherwood, an' NICU nurse Belinda Kelly. There will also be two extra places, available to moms or dads who have had a premature child, held for a year each, that way we will continue to be confident we are addressin' the problems or difficulties that we should be. An independent accountant, who has no connection to either this hospital or my family, will also be appointed, but that is still bein' arranged.

"My son is alive today because of the treatment he received here. In many ways all the money I have made no difference to that, but my time as a nervous, worried, grievin', mother, an' you do grieve, for the baby you have, an' the one you didn't have, has made me realise my money can help in ways other money can't because it is always diverted to somethin' more urgent, somethin' more pressin', but that isn't gonna happen here.

"When you are in the position that Steve an' I found ourselves, your worries are the most urgent, the most pressin' thin's in the world, I hope what we are startin' today will help to lessen those worries, relieve the stress a little, an' keep families more informed an' less removed from their situation. Thank you."

The applause as she sat down was sweet to her ears, and the feeling of Steve's hand as he grasped hers made her feel warm and complete. Looking around, nodding her head a little in acknowledgement of those doing the clapping, she could see that some had tears in their eyes, while others, Rae included, were smiling brightly and encouraging her all the way to her goal.

ooo

He had made sure that his bedroom door was securely fastened before sitting down on his bed and looking at the book in his hands. His grandfather had come over for dinner, so had Michael and even Maddie. Jayden had been there too, fast asleep, a pacifier moving occasionally between his lips as he stirred slightly. Rae and Jesse had called by later, as had Alex and Shannon, only three days away from their wedding. It was only a couple of days since they had all gathered together at Community General, but tonight his friends and family had come together again for him, special people all of them, special people to help him celebrate his own special occasion.

M had cooked the meal, meatloaf, salad and fries with apple pie for dessert. Juan had smiled when he had tried to apologise, saying that everyone had their favourite meals cooked by certain people, and not to tell anyone, but his own father made far better burritos than his mother.

Daniel hadn't known why there was a special dinner but he wasn't going to turn down the chance to eat M's food in his own home once again and he had tucked in along with everyone else until there was nothing left and they were all sitting around feeling very satisfied with themselves, each other and life in general. His grandpa had stood up and looked down at him. He had asked him to stand as well and then, the atmosphere suddenly full of a pleasant tension, had handed him a large package. The paper had been gold, a neutral wrapping he realised later, one to show that it wasn't a birthday, Christmas or any other usual celebration, but one that was unique to him.

"Daniel," his grandpa had said, "a lot has happened lately, but a while ago you mentioned to your dad that you didn't have any pictures of your past, that there were so many things you didn't know but wished you did.

"Well, you shouldn't say something like that to a cop, especially a cop who is a Sloan! You remember the note that you left on my desk?"

"Yes, Sir, I do. Well, I do now, I guess with everything else that has gone on I sort of forgot it. Is this what this is? My past?" He had looked at the older man before him, and then at the faces of those he loved as they sat around the table. His mom and dad, two people who hadn't had a say in most of his past, but most definitely had a say in his future, Maddie, his best friend, maybe more, who knew what would happen when school was over and he could look forwards? M, the man who had always been there for him, had been a quiet but solid force in the background of his life since the first day he had arrived in Beverly Hills, and was now his uncle. If they were all here then they must have had a hand in what was in the gift and looking once more at his grandfather he placed the box on the table and began to rip at the wrapping.

The book, covered in a sort of Hessian had been a deep cream colour. On the front, in a small square in the middle, was a picture of him, but it was a picture he had never seen before. He must have been about five when it was taken, smiling a gappy smile to a school photographer, a glimpse of an alphabet frieze behind his head giving away the location.

"There are pictures of you younger than that, but we thought you might not recognize yourself." Grandpa Mark had spoken and then, unable to contain himself, had leant across and opened the book to the first page but pointed, just for a moment, at the original note that had started everything, which was attached to the inside of the cover.

Dragging his eyes from that Daniel found, right there in front of him, a copy of his original birth certificate, his mom and dad's names, their old address, date of arrival, weight, everything, and then, underneath that was another copy, this time of his adoption certificate, the piece of paper that told the world he was a Sloan. Together though, the two pieces of paper told another story, they told the story of a young man for whom life had begun with high hopes, had faded, become a struggle, and then, out of that struggle had turned into the most wonderful thing anyone could ever imagine. Looking up and finding his voice he spoke.

"I don't need to see the rest, that is enough, right there is who I am, who I was and who I have become." There were tears in his eyes, boys his age didn't cry, but right now he felt that he could cry forever.

Daniel stopped thinking. The memories were wonderful, but he still felt emotional and, deciding that he would feel far better in the morning, he put the book to one side. It was his now, a record of his past that no one could take from him, and he could look at it in the morning because, just as every morning from now on, it would still be here as a part of his future.

ooo

Mark had retired to the morning room for a few minutes alone. He had spoken quietly to Steve and knew he wouldn't be interrupted. The evening had gone so well, far better than he thought it would. While he had been compiling the book he had been so excited, anticipating with each new page what Daniel would think about his gift, but then, as the day to hand it over had got closer and closer he had become a little scared. Supposing the boy didn't want to see his past any longer. The time since he had mentioned it had been so traumatic for all of them, so fraught with danger and disaster that he wouldn't be at all surprised if looking back was something that none of them did for a while.

The look on Daniel's face when he had realised what was being handed to him though dispersed all his fears, instead his heart had beat loudly in his chest and he had watched, enthralled as the young man looked at the picture on the front and then at the certificates on the first page.

Mark knew there would be many special moments over the next few days as Daniel read through all the book contained; found the messages from people in his past he hadn't been in touch with for a very long time. Saw pictures which gave a sense of identity to the boy who had only begun to see a record of himself kept when he raided a small store with his cousin.

Cheryl had found some of the information, had been in touch with various record keeping organizations and obtained photos of his mom that Mark knew Daniel didn't have. His dad, no longer in LA from what he could ascertain, was also mentioned, with photos from a family gathering kept by an old aunt as well as a letter asking Daniel to contact her.

Being a doctor he had been able to look back in the records and find out where his grandson had been born. Record keeping had been a little different seventeen years earlier but he had still been able to obtain the address of a company who took pictures of babies before they went home. As luck would have it the photographer was a man after Mark's own heart and never threw anything away. In the back of a filing cabinet, which was itself in the back of a storage room, they had found what they were looking for. Mark and Joseph, the photographer, looked at a set of photos, taken but never claimed, of baby 129496 Daniel Upton. They weren't in very good condition, but the computer age had come into its own and now you would never know that Daniel's baby photos were any older than Jayden's. Jo had framed one of the resulting pictures and Mark knew that by the morning both boys would be on display in this very room, because she had been desperate to put Daniel's photo out since the day she got it.

Also in the book were letters from old school friends. When Mark had begun calling Daniel's previous schools two of the principals he had spoken to had been delighted to hear from him. Both had explained that when Daniel had been shot ex-students who recognized his picture had been in contact, asking if there was any way that they could give out a home address for him. It had later transpired that three cards had been sent to Community General but, as they were addressed to Daniel Upton, had never reached their intended recipient.

Knowing the book would become a treasured possession, or hoping it would, Mark had also asked Daniel's present family and friends to write letters to put inside it, and one of his favourites was from Eliana.

The little girl, now almost six years old and most definitely besotted by his grandson, had sat down with her mommy and Rae had asked her questions about Daniel. In the end a short page of notes had been produced which said,

'Daniel is my friend. He takes me for burgers when Miss Vicki is with her boyfriend.'

Rae had written underneath that her daughter had shaken her curls and looked quite disgusted at the thought that her nanny had a boyfriend.

'Daniel has a poorly shoulder and we aren't allowed to touch it.

He plays twister with me and Maddie and I win a lot.

Daniel can drink milkshake through a straw and make it come out of his nose!'

Here Rae had written 'ewww', and then 'please don't teach Ana how to do this.'

At the bottom of the page had been a picture of Eliana with Daniel and row after row of kisses. With a chuckle Mark wondered how Daniel would feel if that was read out at his wedding.

There was a tap at the door and Mark, still enjoying the moment, looked round to see his son coming into the room.

"Hi."

"Hi, Dad, is it ok if I come in? I know you said you wanted a few minutes to yourself, but, well, I could use your company if you don't mind." Steve looked a little uncertain, but relaxed as he saw his father was smiling.

"Of course I don't mind, I was just going over the way Daniel seemed so pleased with his book."

"He did, didn't he? Thank you for doing that, you and Cheryl, I know she helped out too."

"She did, and enjoyed it I might add. He's a good kid, Steve, and he has a great dad. I hope you know that."

Steve looked a little embarrassed for a moment but Mark could see the delight in his son's eyes. "I'm just trying to remember what you did and adapt it to the situations I find myself in. Somehow though I think I was a bit more of a worry than Daniel has been."

"Oh yeah, I would say so. Has your son climbed out of his bedroom window and headed into town yet?" He saw Steve shake his head, "No? Well then, he is way behind you on that one!"

"You always knew, didn't you? It took me years to figure that I wasn't lucky when you checked on me a couple of minutes after I was in bed; I was being given just enough time to get myself comfy. I guess you knew when I left and when I got back."

"If I didn't your mother always did. Sometimes we even knew where you went. We trusted you, Son, you were sensible, had no intention of drinking and then driving home, and it didn't happen that often but yes, I always knew when you got in, and yes, I let you get into bed and then I would come check on you. Your mother slept better that way, and to be honest so did I."

"Thanks, Dad." Steve moved a little closer. One thing the past year had taught him was there may not be a tomorrow to tell someone how much they meant to you, or to say sorry, or just give them a hug and so, to his dad's delighted surprise, he pulled Mark towards him and held him tight.

"I love you, Dad; you gave me the best start in life, you and Mom, that any child could ask for. If I am half as successful with my own children I will consider myself an unqualified success. Thank you."

"You are very welcome." His voice was gruff, and Mark moved across to the window, looking out at the city below him but thinking about what had just happened. He felt and then saw his son behind him, the reflection showing both of them just how alike they were, as well as how different, and, neither of them wanting to end the moment, the two men looked at the lights and enjoyed the bond they shared.