The lyrics below are from song 'Can't fight this feeling' from Reo Speedwagon. © 1984. I own nothing. So are these characters.
Chapter 12: Realization; Time for Action
After Gojyo disappeared to upstairs, Hakkai could see that Goku was bursting with questions and he was kind of surprise Goku was hesitating. When he asked, Goku shook his head and mumbled something about finding Sanzo. And he, too, was gone.
Hakkai sighed softly as he stared at the half-empty glass. As much as he wanted to accompany Gojyo now, he knew that Gojyo's pride suffered a heavy blow for showing too much emotion and weaknesses today and Hakkai didn't want to shatter the half-breed's pride more by fussing over small things. And so, here he was, sitting alone in the bar, with nothing to do but drinking and thinking.
"Mind if I sit here?" A familiar voice greeted him casually.
Hakkai almost jumped at the strange voice but he didn't. Instead, he looked up and saw Dokugakuji, waiting for his answer. The latter didn't look threatening but he did look like he something on his mind, other than to fight; Hakkai presumed. The green-eyed demon curved a small smile, almost reluctantly and nodded.
Dokugakuji sat and ordered a drink. For a moment they were both silence and even after, Dokugakuji's drink arrived, the latter still didn't say anything. Hakkai ignored him. He didn't need anymore trouble; what Kenshin gave him was more than enough for him to handle. But then, Hakkai could always tell when someone wanted to talk and right now, Dokugakuji's hesitation was radiating strongly. Still, Hakkai gave him a few minutes.
"You don't ask me why am I here," Dokugakuji remarked, silently marveled at Hakkai's patience and self-strain.
"I don't need to," Hakkai answered back politely. "I knew you will tell me eventually. Why else would you be here?"
Dokugakuji hid his grin at Hakkai's shrewdness. He wondered how Gojyo felt when he faced Hakkai's irritating reasonableness everyday. No, he wasn't blind. He knew something was going on between them both and it didn't take genius to realize the sexual attraction between them. Hell, they were practically radiating it with the unusual concern and unbelievable anger when either of them got hurt. "It's true. I have something to ask you."
"Well, whatever it is, I'm sure I cannot do it for you." Then, Hakkai gave Dokugakuji a glance. "We are both from different sides."
"Perhaps." The dark-haired demon answered back succinctly. "But we both have one thing in common, though."
"And that is…?" Hakkai countered back, trying to sound as if he wasn't curious. How couldn't he? Dokugakuji had never singled him out whenever both of the group was fighting; the demon always turned his attention to Gojyo, taunting him whenever he could. Now, out of the sudden, he was here, sitting beside him and talking like they knew each other. Almost civilly. It was strange and it was peculiar.
"We both care for Gojyo." Dokugakuji stated flatly.
Hakkai almost choked on his drink but again he didn't. Never in his wildest dream their supposedly subtle and secret relationship was made known to their enemy. Were they that blatant and obvious? Still, no matter how surprise Hakkai was, he would never show any expression to stranger. Even Gojyo took a few years of trying to gain his trust before he let him show his true self. "Care for Gojyo? Well, you've got funny way of showing it."
Dokugakuji looked at the brunette beside him and a twinge of anger slashed through him. "I don't need to kiss him and coax him to my bed to show him that I care for him," he answered back sarcastically.
"Well, I do, he knows and that's all that matter." Hakkai answered back coldly, trying to be not at least affected by the sudden knowledge that Dokugakuji knew about his relationship with his brother. Gojyo had once said that he could be such an icy bastard if he wanted to and he exercising the iciness he knew embedded within him.
"It's true. I've stopped showing him that I care when I left him years ago." Dokugakuji said. "But I've never stopped feeling it," he emphasized the particular word before finishing his drink in one gulp.
Hakkai refused to answer the dark-haired demon, though he was feeling slightly guilty for venting his frustration to someone who didn't deserved it. Maybe not entirely but still it was unlikely for him to do something like that. Furthermore, he had no mood in engaging a useless conversation, so he took another sip of his drink and looked straight.
Dokugakuji swallowed another frustration sigh. He never wanted to ignite any sort of argument with the only person that could help him for it would only make matter worse. So, he went back to his main objective of coming here. "I said earlier that I've got something to ask you."
Hakkai let out a resigned sigh and knew Dokugakuji would not leave him if he didn't hear out whatever it was he wanted from him. And Hakkai wanted solitude badly. "Yes?"
The older man produced another grin that almost like Gojyo whenever things were going on his way. "I've talked to Yaone earlier about how to cure Gojyo."
"Cure Gojyo?" Hakkai frowned but his attention now was fully onto Dokugakuji's words. "But, he isn't poisoned. He's…" Hakkai stopped, losing words to describe Gojyo's condition right now. "He's… change ."
"He's change into a full-blood demon when he shouldn't be," Dokugakuji reminded him. "I still consider that as poisonous."
Hakkai raised his eyebrows at Dokugakuji's logic and he said nothing. "And you intend to cure Gojyo's change. " He saw Dokugakuji nodded and he asked again. "How?"
Dokugakuji turned his body fully toward Hakkai, pleased now he had Hakkai's full attention. If he knew a mere mention of Gojyo's cure would capture Hakkai's attention, he would have done earlier, instead of provoking him. Hakkai wasn't Gojyo. Gojyo needed taunting and provocation to gauge any reaction. Hakkai didn't. Both of them were as different as day and night and Dokugakuji didn't know what was the main attraction between them. "Yaone asked me to bring her a sample of the potion, which was injected into Gojyo. But I told her it is almost impossible to get the potion since I don't know which alchemist brewed that potion."
"And we also couldn't catch Kenshin because he was too clever and too obsessed with Gojyo to be caught." Hakkai stated almost sourly another obvious problem. Although Hakkai had stated it calmly, inside he was bristling. Never had he been this possessive toward someone; a mere thought that someone else was also coveting something that was his to begin with, made Hakkai wanted to blow everything away.
"True, which brings us to another alternative that Yaone gave me." Dokugakuji said and Hakkai raised his eyebrows. "Yaone told me to bring Gojyo's blood sample so that she could study it. Maybe she can come up with something to counter the poison. However, I don't think I can go to Gojyo with him like that."
"So, you want me to take Gojyo's blood and give it to you," Hakkai finished it astutely.
"Yes. Can you?"
Hakkai turned his look back to his drink, thinking it thoroughly and silently. He wanted to throw Dokugakuji's asking back to his face and said that if Gojyo's own brother couldn't and wouldn't touch him, why would he? But Hakkai being Hakkai would never said anything that crossed his mind. Preferably, he would think carefully, weighing every possibility and test the logical outcomes from each alternative. And his logic said that this might be Gojyo's only hope to be normal again. Even though emotionally normal would be impossible, at least physically normal.
Again, Hakkai threw a subtle glance at Dokugakuji. The older man seemed slightly agitated about his answer but Hakkai knew no matter how long he thought about it or how reluctant he might appear to be, there was only one answer that Hakkai could give to Dokugakuji. And Hakkai was aware of the possibility Dokugakuji might have other plan than to help Gojyo. Gojyo might trust his brother almost implicitly but Hakkai never met the guy that Gojyo had love as his only family until a few months ago, when they first started this journey. He couldn't give his trust as easily as Gojyo could. His other logic warned him that Dokugakuji was his enemy and no matter how much Gojyo defended his brother, Hakkai just couldn't see the older man other than an enemy unless he proved him otherwise.
Hakkai bit his lips as another issue came up. Did Dokugakuji know Gojyo had been tortured? How could Hakkai confront Gojyo and ask him if he could insert another needle to his flesh, so he could take his blood? Gojyo never told him the detail of what had happened during his imprisonment but judging by Gojyo's numerous injuries, especially a pair of firm slits across the redhead's wrist, he didn't have to. The injuries were practically screaming to tell him what exactly happened. And the knowledge that Kenshin needed replenishment for taboo child's blood confirmed what he had suspected.
And Dokugakuji wanted him, Hakkai, to repeat what Kenshin had done to him.
With his all logics were against Dokugakuji, Hakkai would be crazy, if not stupid, if he still answer yes to Dokugakuji's request. But then, Hakkai's logics and rationality had lost their importance long time ago whenever it concerned Gojyo. He never did anything that was logic when it came to Gojyo, only impulsive and what his heart told him. And Hakkai loved and despised his new weakness. "Yes… yes, I can…" Hakkai sighed inaudibly, meaning for himself to hear. He had changed so much during his short relationship with Gojyo and he was both afraid and anticipated for what long future with Gojyo might bring.
Dokugakuji smiled with relief; again struck with bewilderment of the strange attraction between this green-eyed demon and his half-breed brother for their differences were too obvious. They were like fire and ice, lightning and water; both were each other's weaknesses and nothing could bring them together. And yet, here they were, having a relationship where people might think it was impossible. It was a rather strong relationship too, judging by Hakkai's lines of fatigue and worries. Dokugakuji wanted to know the reason behind all this but he knew he wouldn't get from Hakkai. Not when his piercing verdant eyes looked at him with subtle distrust.
"Good… I'm glad you could do it for me…" Dokugakuji said awkwardly. They were both silent for a while.
Hakkai could tell Dokugakuji wanted to ask him something but the dark-haired demon was either reluctant or embarrassed to ask. So, he decided to give the latter a little nudge. "Was there any other favor you wish to ask me?" His tone was once again calm and polite. He was hoping Dokugakuji would say no.
"Ah… well…" Dokugakuji flustered softly. "I just … um … well… how's Gojyo doing right now?"
Hakkai raised his dark eyebrows slightly. He could hear concern laced through the flustering words and Hakkai, being a natural softhearted he was, softened his hardened and glacial feature a bit. "He's doing much better now. His injuries healed nicely and he will be healed completely by next week." Hakkai spoke the truth. Gojyo was indeed healing physically better but Hakkai was worried about Gojyo's emotional deterioration.
Dokugakuji looked at the human-turned-demon. He could see that something was bothering the brunette, judging by the slight evasion he heard in Hakkai's tone. "Something is wrong, right?"
Hakkai frowned. Indeed something was wrong, but he hadn't expected Dokugakuji to detect it in his words. Had his skill in hiding something gone? "What do you mean?"
"I can hear it in your voice no matter how subtle it is. You said Gojyo is fine but the way you said it hinted the other way around." Dokugakuji said. "I'm guessing the something wrong was the way Gojyo take the whole situation, isn't it?"
At that moment, Hakkai looked at Dokugakuji in new light. He no longer looked like an irresponsible older brother who took off after killing his mother in front of his younger brother, but an older and wise man. Dokugakuji had this faraway look in his face as if he had experiences with Gojyo's emotional deterioration before and he was reminiscing them.
Hakkai had wanted to talk to someone about Gojyo. His lack of enthusiasm, his undeserved guiltiness, his constant fears for Kenshin and especially his way of driving the heavy burdens away; that was through sex. It wasn't that Hakkai didn't want to do it with Gojyo; he was relief to know that even Kenshin couldn't take the heat that was burning between them. But they had been lovers for quite some time now and Hakkai noticed the differences in the way Gojyo wanted him to made love to him. His demands were always asking for pain. They were too ferocious like he was angry at something and he wanted the pain Hakkai gave to him.
Hakkai wanted to help Gojyo deal with it, but whenever he tried to start it, Gojyo would evade and they would irrevocably end up on bed, naked and him, Hakkai, went straight to sleep after the ferocious sex. He knew Gojyo was using sex to forget the days he spent under Kenshin's imprisonment. Gojyo had been doing exactly like that before, when he tried to forget the memories of his abusive mother. It was not the matter of understanding the reasons Gojyo did that that made Hakkai thought something was wrong, it was the matter of Gojyo using him like he had used dozens of girls in the past. It hurt him beyond belief whenever he thought Gojyo had leveled him the same as those girls.
Still, he wanted to prove himself that he was wrong to think Gojyo like that. Now, looking at Dokugakuji, Hakkai knew the opportunity was opened widely for him. Here was the man who had spent his life with Gojyo, during Gojyo's childhood. Here was the man who perhaps understood Gojyo more than anyone else. Maybe… just maybe, Dokugakuji could listen to him and told him he was wrong.
He needed to be wrong…
"Well?" Dokugakuji spoke up, breaking the thinking cocoon that Hakkai built. "Are you going to tell me what is wrong with Gojyo?"
Hakkai looked at Dokugakuji. He had never actually talked to this man and now he was practically contemplating about blurting his worries and insecurity to him? Telling him about his relationship's problems? … … …Why not? Not like he had anyone else to talk to and Hakkai needed to let it out badly. Taking a deep breath, Hakkai started. "Gojyo had been acting strange ever since he was released and I don't blame him. I mean… anyone would act the same way if they went through what Gojyo did… and… Gojyo had been handling quite well… before… now, he just seemed to give up on everything…"
"Gojyo is giving up…?" Dokugakuji asked with faint disbelief. He had always known Gojyo was strong-headed. He had realized that ever since the half-breed was a little boy. His younger brother had never failed to bring their mother flowers or try to do something nice for her or tried to act brave and strong when he was hurting, even though Gojyo knew everything would ended the same. Their mother would always ruin the flowers and abused him. And Gojyo had never given up, not even once, as he tried futilely to gain their mother's affection.
"Yes, he did…" Hakkai tried futilely to keep his cool façade intact. "And he… he was lying to himself as well as to me… acting like everything is alright… and never once tell me what really happened between him and Kenshin… not that I force him to…" Hakkai hastily explained.
But Gojyo would never lie. Dokugakuji thought. He would say the injuries from their mother's handiworks didn't hurt and Dokugakuji knew it didn't hurt because Gojyo was accustomed to them. Gojyo would say, one day, mother would love him and Dokugakuji knew he didn't lie because Gojyo believe it. It just didn't sound like Gojyo to lie.
"And to make things worse… " The green-eyed demon continued as he ran his hand through the chocolate locks, hiding his pained expression from Dokugakuji. He hated to bare himself like that but he had no other choice. "He… he uses… uses… um…"
Dokugakuji raised his eyebrows slightly at Hakkai's reluctant to continue. "Uses what?"
At that time, Hakkai wished he had long hair like Gojyo so he could hide himself completely. He wanted to ask Dokugakuji about Gojyo's fixation when he was totally depressed but how could he ask without revealing their whole sex life? How was he supposed to ask? Does Gojyo have sexual obsession as his fixation when he was under too much pressure? Why do you ask? Well, Gojyo wouldn't let me come to him unless we are having sex…
Ridiculous. Unnecessary. Not to mention humiliating. Hakkai wasn't used to asking help about his personal sex life. Knowing Gojyo made him desperate enough to ask for advice! And he didn't think Gojyo would appreciate his effort for telling his brother about their relationship.
"Well?" Dokugakuji persuaded delicately.
"Nothing…" Hakkai said finally. "It's nothing…" There was no way he was going blabbered on about what was supposed to be him and Gojyo's issue. After all, the secret was supposed to shared between them and Hakkai knew it would be unfair to Gojyo if he made any decision without his consultation.
"Are you sure?" Dokugakuji asked. "Because to tell you the truth, I found it kind of surprising when I didn't found Gojyo down here."
Hakkai didn't know how many times he had frowned ever since Dokugakuji walked in here for again he was frowning. "What do you mean?"
"I know my brother. He had been such a depressing boy when our mother was still alive and after I left him…" Dokugakuji tried to ignore the familiar guilt that kept stabbing him every time he remembered his unjust doing. "…he had been even more depressing teenager…"
"How do you know?" Hakkai murmured, hoping to take any accusation in his voice. "You left him when he was still young, remember?"
"Ah…right," Dokugakuji flinched invisibly at Hakkai unexpected and subtle provocation. "At that time I still tried to come back and see what he had become… secretly… After that, I… stopped…"
Hakkai wanted to ask why but he didn't.
"And every time Gojyo was depressed, he used sex to get rid off it. He was then, and he is now, as far as I can see," Dokugakuji said; completely unaware of the importance of his words. "That's why I'm surprised he isn't down here… or rather… should I say… I'm surprised you are down here alone…"
Hakkai looked away, hiding the blushes he knew tinted on his white cheeks. "What do you mean?" He knew exactly what Dokugakuji means but out of habit, Hakkai tried to feign clueless.
"Gojyo is a complicated person. He didn't brood when he was depressed, instead he will try to look uncaring, unaffected and seek something pleasurable to forget all his miseries." Dokugakuji let out a small sigh as he reminiscing. "I've seen the way he handled mother's rejections… acting young and childish in front of me… bringing flowers to gain mother's affection… laughing through tears when everyone treated him harshly… and not once I saw him reduced to violence to against violence he received…"
"Yes…" Hakkai replied softly too. Now that Dokugakuji had said it, he realized the same things too. Like, Gojyo fought with Goku all the time, trying to match Goku's childishness… Gojyo teased unmercifully to Sanzo about every single thing… Gojyo laughed uncaringly when a human or a demon insulted his origin… Gojyo untiringly and persuasively seduced him to come out of the ice he built around him. Gojyo was under stress all this time and he was handling it when Sanzo kept complaining about the redhead's immaturity…
Gojyo had grown up to be a quite fine man considering the past he had…
"And…" Dokugakuji continued as he threw a glance to the brunette beside him. "He also use sexual releases to handle his depression…" That particular trait was so blatant that Dokugakuji knew he needed not to say that.
"I can see that…" Hakkai murmured, knowing that Dokugakuji had just confirming his suspicion. Gojyo had indeed leveled him the same as those girls he had used in the past…
Hurt… Hakkai had never been this hurt before even though Gojyo had slept with other women during their cold agreement but the fact that he had just admitted that he had actually broken the rules and went ahead to fall in love with the redhead, made everything worse and harder to bear. How could he be angry with Gojyo? He was the one who broke the rules… He was the one who had to be one to be too emotionally involved with Gojyo… He was the one who took the risk even though he knew Gojyo wasn't the kind to stick to one person that long…
He had made the decision and he was paying for it… He just didn't know whether he could afford the price or not…
Dokugakuji looked at the guy beside him, trying to read his expression. But the converted demon was too damned good in hiding his true expression and Dokugakuji couldn't gauge anything. After a moment of silence, Dokugakuji stood up and still, Hakkai gave him no reaction. "I'm off now. I'll come back a day after tomorrow to pick up Gojyo's blood sample."
Hakkai gave the older man a slight nod and Dokugakuji took it as a sign the healer heard and understood. Within a minute, the shadow of Dokugakuji disappeared.
After Dokugakuji's departure, the dark mood began to settle in, surrounding Hakkai like never before. Broken heart had never been this painful before and the pain worsened when he couldn't even blame the man who caused it. Hakkai considered ordering another round but he knew he couldn't get drunk. Somehow he was immune to alcohol as well as he was immune to something called bad luck. And the mere thought he couldn't get drunk made Hakkai dived deeper into blackness of depression. So, Hakkai sat there for the longest time until the numbness reduced and his rationality and logic began to take control.
So what if Gojyo treated him like those girls? Gojyo had indeed said that he wanted a commitment-free relationship, which mean no emotional attachment, no jealousy and thus, no heartbreak. Gojyo knew the consequences; that was why he had wanted that kind of relationship. And like a fool he was, Hakkai had gave in without stipulating his own rules. And now the rules had been broken… should he just let it past him by? Should he ignore his feelings now that he knew Gojyo would never return his feeling? Or… should he fight for it?
Hakkai straightened his back as the new thought appeared. He should… fight for it…? Fight for Gojyo's love? That was… something he had never done before… because it was usually Gojyo who initiated the first flirting, the first kiss, the first bold proposal, the first man for him and the first man to steal his heart… Hakkai had never been that bold, that arrogant and he simply enjoyed the ride Gojyo offered him… And now he was contemplating to… fight for it? Could he really do that? Did he actually have the courage to be the one in the lead instead of following? Did Gojyo worth the fight…?
During his inner battle, someone in the bar had turned on the jukebox and the singer's voice filled the noisy bar. Though Hakkai doubted anyone, except the one who chose the song, hear or paid any attention to the song. He didn't too at first but as his mind dwelled further into the thoughts, bits of the song interlaced…
I can't fight this feeling
anymore…
And yet I'm still afraid to let
it flow…
What had started out as a
friendship, has grown stronger…
I only
wish I had the strength to let it show…
True… he was afraid to tell Gojyo that he couldn't go on like this, playing some sort of charade and pretending he didn't care or didn't hurt when Gojyo flirted around. He didn't think that they would come to a level where he needed to be the one who lead the waltz they had been dancing…
I tell myself that can't hold out
forever…
I said there is no reason for my
fear…
Cause I feel so secure when we're
together…
You give my life
direction…
You make everything so
clear…
Another truth… His life as Cho Gonou had ended and he never even once entertaining to continue living… And yet Gojyo came, bursting in like the whirlwind he was, shook him from the long stupor and released him from the claws of nightmare of his bloodied past. It was soon he realized that if Sanzo was Goku's light, Gojyo was Hakkai's light, showing him how live again… showing him how to feel again…
And even as I
wander…
I'm keeping you in
sight…
You're a candle in the
window…
In cold dark winter's
night…
And I'm getting closer that I ever
thought I might…
Yes, Gojyo had always been there for him. He knew if he were to meet any other person rather than Gojyo, none of them would have the patience like Gojyo had. None of them would last a month of nursing him back to life, never asking anything from him; even his name and willing to jeopardized his own life to stall Sanzo, so he could get away even though he hadn't given the redhead the reason to. Gojyo's generosity was astounding and not once, had Gojyo made Hakkai felt indebted. The gratitude slowly ebbed into affectionate and affectionate irrevocably turned into love… Considering all those things, how could Hakkai think Gojyo wasn't worth his fight?
And I can't fight this feeling
anymore…
I've forgotten what I started
fighting for…
It's time to bring the
ship into the shore…
And throw away the
oars forever…
Cause I can't fight this
feeling anymore…
I've forgotten what I
stated fighting for…
And if I have to
crawl upon the floor…
Come crushing
through your door…
Baby, I can't fight
this feeling anymore…
Hakkai sobered up rapidly. Why was he sitting here, thinking about whether he should fight for Gojyo's love or not? Of course he should! Gojyo deserved everything Hakkai had got to offer and if Hakkai decided to hand Gojyo his heart on a golden platter, Gojyo should have it! Gojyo had been the one to start their friendship when he picked up to save his life and Hakkai wanted to be one to end this relationship and start another type relationship. A more meaningful, fulfilling and lasting relationship… Gojyo had never given up on him before and he sure wouldn't give up on Gojyo either. So, if Gojyo refused him, Hakkai would do anything to change Gojyo's mind and heart.
But first, before he pursued that goal, he would have to take Kenshin out of the way first. He would make sure that the obsessive demon would not touch his lover ever again. And he would also do anything to change Gojyo back, which included fulfilling his promise to Dokugakuji. Somehow the limiter around his neck didn't seem to suit him very well… So did the blue turtleneck sweater…
Finally making up his mind, Hakkai felt a lot lighter than he had felt ever since he admitted to himself that he was indeed in love with Gojyo. He stood up with a small but determined smile. Yes, when plans were all set, Hakkai felt his world was no longer upside down, tumbling in whirlwind. And for the first time, he was beginning to savor any joy of finally being in love…
"Sanzo!" Goku called as he slammed the door opened. The blonde monk frowned when his solitude was being disturbed. He looked up and saw Goku practically bounced in and at the same tried to balance the food trays in his hands. And the food on the tray was indeed high.
Idiot Sanzo thought and his violet eyes unconsciously softened when he saw Goku didn't care that bouncing and carrying at the same time didn't mix. And totally clueless too. "What the hell do you want, monkey?" Sanzo's mouth seemed to have a life of its own because what he thought and what he said clashed.
Goku pouted softly as he put down the trays, which miraculously still intact. "You don't have do that…"
Sanzo had to turn away the delicious pouting Goku made, fully aware that Goku had no idea whatsoever the effect he made to him. Instead, Sanzo deepened his frown, denying Goku and himself, and returned his attention back to the newspaper he was reading. "Do what?" Sanzo asked gruffly.
"Cursing at me," Goku said back lightly, the former dark mood lifted easily. Goku's smile widened when he heard Sanzo 'hn-ed' predictably. As he had thought before, Sanzo had lost his bitterness in his words. Somehow, that discoveries made Goku happy because he knew he had taken another step closer to the untouchable Sanzo. "I brought you food. Hakkai said you didn't want to come down to eat, so I bring the food up for you to eat!"
Sanzo eyed the mountain of food in front of him. "These are all mine?"
Goku grinned sheepishly. He raised his hand to scratch his head and Sanzo felt a shot of deep emptiness through him at the picture of Goku made now; or was it longing? He didn't want to know.
"Well, I thought we could eat together. Hakkai wants to be alone, so he told me to go upstairs and eat with you." Goku knew Sanzo would say no. Sanzo hated to have his privacy invaded and he hated to have him around, knowing how noisy he was. But, then, Goku had never ceased asking the same question even though he knew the answer would be the same.
If Goku made this request years ago, Sanzo would give him a flat no. And Sanzo would stand up and leave the room. But the Sanzo years ago wasn't the Sanzo now. Sanzo now had become so damn soft and so damn lusty whenever it came to Goku. Sanzo now had even contemplating to corrupt the innocent mind and body of Goku. Sanzo now had concerned about Goku's safety more than he had cared for his own. And Sanzo now couldn't say no to the pleading and huge golden eyes.
"Do whatever you want." Sanzo snapped and felt his icy heart gave a little squeezed of… what? … Ah, to hell with it… when he heard Goku 'yeah-ed' joyfully. Idiot, idiot monkey!
"Aaa … Sanzo…?" Goku said after a few minutes of blissful silence. Sanzo grunted softly in response and Goku seemed contented with that… for now.
"Hakkai seems very depressed when he got back with Gojyo, I wonder why."
Sanzo reached out for his tea, taking his own leisure time to answer Goku's question. He kind of knew the reason why Hakkai was depressed. With Gojyo acting weird after returning from Kenshin's hell, Hakkai had trouble sleeping. In fact, Sanzo no longer wondered whether two of his companions were lovers; he knew.
But how was he supposed to tell Goku what he knew? He doubted Goku would agree to his words without asking more about what exactly happened between two of his best friends. And Sanzo was extremely uncomfortable with that particular subject because he had little experience that matter and he certainly did not want to discuss it with Goku, of all people, since he had developed this strange yearning for the younger boy.
"Yes, I've noticed that." Sanzo said curtly.
Goku frowned a little bit as he reached out for another bun. "I've never seen Hakkai that depressed before." Then, Goku looked up to Sanzo. "Do you think there's something I can do for him? You know… so I can ease his feeling a bit…"
"Why the hell do you want to do that?" Sanzo asked; his words contrasted strikingly with his tone. Sanzo always knew this soft side of Goku would eventually emerge and he could no longer feel annoyed for it. Sometimes, he wondered if this particular trait of Goku that made him changed…
"Hakkai always be nice to me when I was depressed. I just want to return the favor," Goku replied through his mouthful of food.
Sanzo frowned at Goku's words. "You were depressed? Why?" Sanzo wasn't even realized the concern that laced through.
For a while, Goku couldn't believe what he had heard. Sanzo? Concerned? Worried? About him? Had the sky fallen into pieces? He resisted the wild urge to run to window and checked the sky himself. "Um…" He started to blush at the unfamiliar feeling of having Sanzo worried openly for him. "It happened so long ago…I…I don't even remember why I felt depressed at that time," he said dismissively.
Sanzo scrutinized the boy in front of him and his frown deepened when he saw the adorable blushes tinted on Goku's fair face. "Well, good! Depression doesn't suit you, idiot."
Goku was secretly relieved that Sanzo started to insult him again. He had waited for so long for this and he started to finally have a taste of his attainable wish, he became flustered and felt so unprepared. He wanted to change the topic; something that didn't have him and his depression in it. So, he said instead, "You know something, don't you, Sanzo?"
"Know what, monkey?" Sanzo retorted, slightly bewildered at Goku's rapid changes topics.
"Why Hakkai is depressed? Why Gojyo is afraid to Kenshin?" Goku pressed stubbornly. "And what really happen between them?" Goku asked again.
"I thought we've gone through this shit," Sanzo answered frostily.
"I cannot go to Hakkai and ask him with him like that! And I know something happens between them. It's getting so obvious now!" Goku pursued relentlessly. He hated to be one left in the dark.
"Shut up, monkey!" Sanzo snapped, wishing really bad for Goku to drop the subject. "Didn't I tell you to learn some patience? They will tell you when they're ready."
Goku frowned even more. "Ready for what? What have they done?" The food was now forgotten as Goku's curiosity started to claim most of his attention.
Suddenly, Sanzo felt something inside him snapped. And he knew it was his already thinning patience. "Look, monkey! Why don't you ask Hakkai, instead? He's your damned teacher anyway! I doubt very much he won't answer your question!"
"Why ask him when you know?" Goku persisted. "This is getting stupid, you know? I'm not a child that needs to be protected!"
That was something Sanzo was well aware of. Goku was definitely not a child. He was not the same wide-eyed, irritatingly innocent young idiot he had picked up. Goku still kept the innocent but he was now worldlier, more matured, stronger and hundreds times more desirable than Sanzo would never allowed himself to notice. More than ten years had passed since his master's death. Sanzo knew the ice he had built ever since the incident was melting and it was only the matter of time before he succumbed himself in the same vulnerability he had sworn not to touch again.
The realization that he had failed to uphold his oath angered and scared him beyond belief.
"Fine!" Sanzo exploded. "You want to know?! They're now fucking lover! Hakkai's depressed because Kenshin was fucking Gojyo and Gojyo was afraid Kenshin might come and fuck him again! Are you satisfied now?! I doubt you understand any of my damned words anyway!"
Goku just stared at his guardian, trying to absorb every harsh word from Sanzo. Sanzo knew he had succeeded to shut Goku up and he no longer felt the satisfaction he used to feel. He felt worse and headache started to pay its visit. He could no longer keep up with his crazy feelings anymore
So, he started to walk out the room. He felt suffocated with his already intense lust for Goku and when Goku started to ask about the very thing Sanzo wanted to do to him, he lost his control completely. And now, he wanted nothing more than to just go outside and had a drag. Or shot everyone passed in front of him.
"I understand…" Goku said softly but loud enough for Sanzo to catch them and stopped him from continuing his departure. His hand froze at the doorknob. The golden haired monk abruptly turned around to face Goku; a slight surprise graced on his usually stoic, unemotional face.
Goku looked up and Sanzo saw the usually bright golden eyes dimmed into regrets. "I understand what happened now… Kenshin hurts Gojyo in that way, right? Everyone knows but me, right? And Gojyo just let me believe what I want to believe…" Goku whispered those words, feeling guilt settled around him.
Sanzo saw Goku curled his hands into tight fists and he knew that was the sign of Goku's silent wrath at himself. He never thought Goku understood what he had being trying to say. And he knew why he had blinded himself. He wanted to protect himself from falling further inside and he used Goku's youth as an excuse. And all of the sudden, all these things happened; Sanzo knew he could no longer blind himself and thought Goku as an innocent, clueless and young boy.
Goku had grown. He had become more thoughtful, more sensitive and more…beautiful. And yet he was also still playful, cheerful and innocent. His personalities clashes and Sanzo knew that made his lust for him grew every second he spent with the golden-eyed boy.
Suddenly, Sanzo wanted to go to the younger boy and shook him from his guilt. He wanted to pull Goku to him and protect him. He wanted Goku to pull him and protect him. He wanted to shoot Goku for making him feeling this way. He wanted strangled Goku for daring to come this close. And most of all he wanted to take Goku to bed, spent his pent-up desire and never let him go.
Sanzo silent drew in a shaky breath at his rapid and swift desire as he leaned his back against the door. Too many feelings… He wasn't used to this… He knew he had gone to far to turn back. He knew he couldn't turn himself from Goku anymore. Without knowing why, Sanzo felt fear came upon him. Not just fear; excitement was also there. Emotions filled him in such way that he felt his legs couldn't support his weight.
"Sanzo…?" Goku called him softly when he saw his master looked down with his golden bangs hid his eyes.
"Shut up, Goku…" Sanzo breathed.
Goku frowned when he heard Sanzo's strange tone and he stood up. "What's wrong?"
"Stay the hell away, Goku!" The warning was clear.
Goku walked stubbornly towards Sanzo. When Sanzo spoke with that tone, no one dared to refuse. But this was Goku. Goku could never be burn too hot for him to handle. And he stopped right in front of Sanzo; he looked up and their faces were a few inches apart. Recklessly, Goku reached out both of his hands and tentatively touched Sanzo's jaws; he waltzed carefully into Sanzo personal space.
Their eyes met. Goku had never seen another pair of eyes that were so beautiful, so cold, so unreachable and yet so vulnerable. The startling violet eyes contrasted perfectly against his fair hair and even fairer face. Tender feelings aroused at a staggering pace inside him and Goku thought he might choke from the intense feeling. I had been in love with you for as long as I could remember… How can you be so blind…? Swallowing the emotions away, Goku said softly. "What's wrong?"
Sanzo was overwhelmed. He could almost feel Goku's emotions, burning him. They were so intense and very unsettling; Sanzo felt the fear consumed him once again. "I told you to stay away…" Sanzo tried to sound angry but failed miserably.
Goku's golden eyes darkened into hot molten gold as he softly caressed Sanzo's jaws. "You should know by now that I can't… I won't…" He saw Sanzo's eyes, too, darkened at his answer and Goku fall deeper in love. "Don't ask that of me again…"
Too much… Sanzo never felt this much in such a short time. And he didn't know what to think anymore when Goku drew himself closer to him carefully, minding the melting ice barrier around him but yet unwilling to give up. Goku's sensitivity towards his tense mood was obvious and even the ice-prince like Sanzo wasn't immune to it. "I…" It was useless for trying to say anything. Not when emotions clogged his throat and clouded his mind.
So, Sanzo, with his walls slowly crumbling around him, shut up when he felt Goku's hands wrapped around his waist…
Just this once… Sanzo thought dazedly, letting Goku shared his comforting warmth. Though he refused to return the gesture, the blonde couldn't deny how his heart filled blissfully. Next time, I shall blow his brain into pieces…
* * * * * *