Curse of a Taboo Child

Chapter 16: I Love You

The rumor was traveling fast and it didn't take much time before the news hit the two demons, who started the whole thing. Their reaction was acceptable for someone who had lost the very huge sum of money that they staked. Shock, disbelief and finally rage. But Zean wasn't as extreme as Kenshin when it came to losing everything. And Kenshin did lose everything. The potion, the money, the opportunity and especially certain redhead half-breed that made him lost the first three.

"Why the fuck was the rumor even started!" Kenshin all but shouted. His voice echoed throughout Zean's lab.

Zean just glared at the fiery raven-haired demon with his icy blue eyes. "Don't you even dare blame me. May I remind you that it was your fine, dumb idea to let Gojyo fought that lover of his?"

"So? If you didn't get yourself being kicked fucking dumbly by a chained Gojyo and gave Hakkai the damned opportunity to steal Gojyo from me, my fine, brilliant idea would have succeeded!" Kenshin snarled back.

The argument had started long before this. And it did not look like it was going to end soon. Voices rose to shouts and both of them waited before angry words became physical.

They were both no longer acting partners. They were like predators, circling each other, looking for any opportunity to stab or hurt one another. Something happened between them and suddenly their original plan was forgotten. Because that was all demons did. When lust and rage involved, nothing else matter but to assuage the feelings. Kenshin lusted for Gojyo, Zean lusted for Kenshin and Kenshin was angry for losing Gojyo, for Zean making the whole thing so damn so complicated and Zean was angry for Kenshin lusting for a filthy half-breed that should not be allowed even to live, for letting himself being so affected that caused their plan to ruin.

"Succeeded?" Zean repeated in disbelief. His long black hair crackled with the fury he felt. "Your plan wasn't even in our original plan, you dumb head!" Fists tightened painfully, warningly.

"Fuck you!" Kenshin roared, taking a step closer to his aggravating partner. He was sick of Zean's know-it-all attitude, thinking that he had all the brain while, he, Kenshin, was nothing. "Admit it yourself! You don't even remember what the original plan is!"

Zean threw his head back and laughed cruelly. Anger was radiated in the laughter, not humor. "Our plan is to get a half-breed, make a potion, sell the bloody thing to demons and make ourselves so filthy rich!" He, too, took a step forward challengingly. "But somehow, along the way, you got your lust in our way and ruined it!"

Kenshin had enough. He grabbed Zean's front cloth and yanked the smaller demon toward him. He had his face so close to the alchemist, lips taunting against Zean's. "My lust?" Kenshin hissed. Zean almost shuddered when he felt light brushes of Kenshin's lips against his dry ones. "What about yours, huh? Tell me that you don't want this?"

Zean heard the challenge and before he could say anything that was equally scathing, he felt Kenshin's lips crushed against his, robbing any words he nearly spilled. Zean's icy blue eyes went wide in surprise and for a while, he couldn't think but feel the way Kenshin's lips moved on his lips. Smugness, challenge and vengeance were in the raven-haired demon's kiss and Zean knew that. It made him so angry when he felt himself responded to the kiss.

Of course he was attracted, no, lusted for Kenshin. Kenshin knew that and being a bastard that Zean knew he was, the lavender eyed demon flaunted it shamelessly. Zean had wanted this for as long as he could remember. How could he deny what his body carved when Kenshin gave what it desired? But that didn't mean it made him less angry.

Triumphant was all over Kenshin's face when the demon lifted his head. "It is your lust…" Kenshin sneered softly; his hand released the shirt and raised up to cup the alchemist's jaw. "It is my lust… Why do we blame each other?"

Narrowing his eyes, Zean licked his lower lips and he brought his hand to run through Kenshin short hair. Then, he grasped a good deal of the dark hair, pulling it painfully toward him. Not once Kenshin acknowledged the pain in his scalp. Arrogant bastard! He was too arrogant; god damned him for being so sexy and aggravating! "Kiss me again like that…" Zean hissed angrily. His eyes shone warningly. "I'll kill you with poison!"

Smirk curved up on Kenshin's handsome face. "Poison is all you ever brewed, Zean. Just like the one you brewed for Gojyo." He brought his own hand up and gripped Zean's wrist tightly, loosening the alchemist's cruel hold over his hair. "Do think I wouldn't find out? About the potion you brewed for Gojyo's cure?"

Zean didn't know how Kenshin know about the potion he had brewed with Yaone. And he knew Kenshin knew he was equally responsible for their failing plan. But like hell he was going to let Kenshin put all the blame on his shoulders. So what of they both let their lust, anger and jealousy ruining the perfect opportunity? They were demons after all. "Like you said," Zean drew his hand from Kenshin's grasp, retreating a few steps with indifferent expression on his face. "My lust… your lust… why do we even bother to blame each other?"

Kenshin snorted. Zean was a master in twisting words around. There was no way he was going to admit it out loud but Zean did have the brain. He didn't have any words to slam back. "I'm tired of being so damn angry the whole time." Kenshin sighed as he slumped on the chair nearby. "Lately, nothing we did is right…"

Zean raised his dark eyebrows at Kenshin's words. It was like all the fire between them just snuffed out and was completely forgotten. He was still angry of course and his body arousal was protesting for not finishing what Kenshin started. But then, since when Kenshin did not annoy him? Try never. Perhaps that was why he was attracted at the impossible demon at the first place. "Just like that? What makes you think I don't want to poison you anymore?"

Quirking up an eyebrow, Kenshin smirked. "You want me too much to kill me."

Zean really wished he could convince his body and heart otherwise. But who was he to lie to himself? "Yet." Zean reminded Kenshin coldly. "It is only a matter of time before my anger for you surpasses the lust."

"Yeah, yeah," Kenshin waved away. "So? What's next?"

Zean turned around to look at his experiment equipment on the table. "Why are you asking me? I thought you have all the ideas and plans?"

"Oh, stop that!" Kenshin said irritably. "Don't start the fucking argument. I told you I'm tired!"

"So am I!" Zean retorted back. He pushed aside the scattered papers on the table to make some space. He slid up and sat on the table, facing the slouching demon with intense pale lavender eyes watching him back. "I couldn't just kill my anger like you did!"

Kenshin grinned. "Who said I wasn't angry anymore? I'm just tired but I'm still angry."

Sighing loudly, Zean rubbed the bridge of his nose. "What do you want to do next?"

Kenshin looked out at the window; his eyebrows drew together, frowning deeply. "Personally, I would very much want to slice open Hakkai's stomach and pull his gut out. Then, I want to take Sanzo's gun and shoot him at his arms and knees before blow off his fucking head!" And he wanted to do countless more things to the half-breed that he didn't bother to voice them out. Yes, among the four, he would to torture the redhead longer and break him.

Zean sighed at the violent wish. "You know we are no match of the group if you wish to fight them. Even when you were fighting Goku alone, you told me how strong the boy is; it is more than you can handle. How do expect us to win them, hmm?"

"I don't know…" Kenshin shrugged.

"With the rumor about our potion, we would probably scare off the stupid demons rather than selling off any of our potion." Zean continued.

"What do you expect?" Kenshin leaned back, looking tiredly at the ceiling. "Even Prince Kougaiji is against us… helping Sanzo's group even when they are his enemy." Then a crooked smirk appeared. "It proves we are much more enemies to him than Sanzo."

"We did kill many taboo children in our experience. Prince Kougaiji is against killing anyone, if it not necessary. I'm sure sooner or later he will come for us." Zean sighed and looked at Kenshin at the corner of his eyes, silently reproving. "And I here thought our identities are going to remain unknown."

Kenshin glared at the maddening alchemist. Any deaf demon could hear the underlying accusation. He, was after all, did insist on letting Gojyo fighting his lover under the influence of Minus Wave. The act was the beginning of their undoing. Both of them were beginning to lose whatever little rationality they had and started to act on their lust, jealousy and anger. Kenshin knew that and that bastard have to rub it in. "I have an idea." Kenshin said stiffly.

Zean had to hide his smirk. So passionate, so easy to rile. All one had to know was where to attack. He did say he was still angry, right? "Well, let's hear them then."

Kenshin snorted. He wanted to say something rude but then, since when he ever had the pleasure of having the last word? "If your cure still didn't manage to kill Gojyo, it should still make him unable to fight, right?"

"It didn't kill that half-breed." Zean said succinctly. "I heard it from the bar."

"Then, that lover of his is certainly an incredible healer for countering your poison." Kenshin said sarcastically, taking great pleasure in verbally attacking his partner. "I've never heard your poison unable to kill anybody."

Zean narrowed his eyes. "Who are you to talk? I thought you've never been defeated by anybody before. How come a small boy who looks a lot like a monkey managed to deter you?"

See what he meant? Kenshin thought angrily. Ever single time they engaged in this kind of twisted game, he would lose. And for some stupid reasons, he would keep on playing every single fucking time "Whatever. Want to know the rest of my plan or what?" Kenshin leaned back against the chair, crossing his arms.

Zean shrugged.

"Hakkai, too, will not be able to fight properly. I heard from the rumor, he used a lot of his ki that day. So, all that's left is Goku."

A black eye brow rose. "What about the monk? I heard he is quite fearsome even on his own. He has the gun and the sutra; both, I might add, lethal to demons like us."

"I've fought the monk and the monkey. I seemed to me that Sanzo has some kind of attachment toward Goku. He could have shot me right on the heart that day but instead, he took some kind of revenge and shot other places just to hurt me back." Kenshin rubbed the back of his neck at the remembrance.

"And?"

"Though Goku is strong, the monkey is still stupid." Kenshin sneered. "We could use that to somehow defeat Goku and Sanzo at the same time."

"Somehow?" Zean repeated. "That's your brilliant plan?"

Kenshin raised his leg and slammed it on the table, beside the provoking alchemist's hip. The equipments and papers on the table jumped with such noise; some were scattering on the floor. If Zean was surprised, he certainly didn't show it. "At least I give us something to start on. What are you suggesting then?" Kenshin asked silkily, challengingly.

Zean watched the fire of madness in Kenshin's lavender eyes. He knew he was too close. Kenshin could only take so much before the violence in him broke loose. Gojyo was the only one who had breached that line and he had received the violence. So, Zean silently retreated. They were after all just playing the dangerous game of words. There was no need for the game to end in blood.

"Do you want to capture them or kill them on the spot?" Zean asked, wisely mellowing down his sarcasm.

"What are your suggestion?" Kenshin stressed.

"If we can't meet them upfront, we should use another way, right?"

"I hate cryptic words! Just say what you want to say."

Zean rolled his eyes in apparent exasperation. Passionate, aggravating, crazy and now impatient to boot. He wondered for the countless times how he ever put up with Kenshin. "What I'm trying to say, we should use subtler way. Obviously your barging and slashing techniques that you love to use are not going to work."

"Subtler way?" Kenshin frowned. "You mean we are going to do it your way?"

Zean just nodded.

"Poison?" Kenshin said the word in such distaste. Poison was for coward and weak. He certain was not either one. But he did have a hard time fighting Goku alone. Did that make him weak? Kenshin remembered the pain of Goku's hits and Sanzo's bullets penetrated him. No, he was not weak; but he was willing to admit dealing four of them at the same time was impossible.

"That's why I ask you, whether you want to capture or just to kill them?" Zean's voice interrupted Kenshin's thought. "I could use non-lethal one for them. Just enough to knock them out."

"Where's the fun in watching them drop dead just liked that?" Kenshin asked.

"We could capture them and put them at our mercy." Zean said, raising both of his eyebrows and Kenshin could almost see the gleam in those blue eyes. The raven-haired didn't bother to hide his amusement.

"Now it sounds like fun." Kenshin smirked.

"No," Zean corrected. "It sounds like a plan."

Hakkai walked in slowly, quietly to Gojyo's room. They had left Kougaiji's small fortress and checked in one of the local motels. As Hakkai carried Gojyo, the redhead remained asleep and cared not about his surrounding. Even as when Hakkai further cleaned up Gojyo and rebound the bandages that were not quite right, Gojyo did not awake even once. Hakkai, however, still remained reassured due to Gojyo's even, heavy breathings.

He still couldn't use his ki yet. Not to the extent of using it to blast any enemy. Perhaps the new technique that he used on Gojyo used more ki than he would normally use. And it had three days. Usually he would only need one day or two the most to recuperate. If this was the side-effect of using his ki that way, he had to be careful.

Goku had found the limiter. It was beside the bed on the floor. Hakkai had been contemplating to whether or not put the silver choker back around Gojyo's neck. When Gojyo was conscious for a while, the half-breed seemed normal and did not act like a full-blooded demon. Hakkai wondered whether what they thought as poison was miraculously curing Gojyo. But he didn't want to take any chance; he had taken once and he had almost lost Gojyo, and so, he fastened the choker back around Gojyo's neck, wishing for the countless times he didn't have to.

That was three days ago. Gojyo had been sleeping all the time. So heavy were his injuries and Hakkai knew Gojyo needed the reprieve.

Hakkai's eyes softened at the sight of the still sleeping, naked half-breed on the bed; flaming hair spread all over the snowy pillow and blanket draped possessively on his torso. It never ceased in Hakkai's mind how impossibly lucky he was. Gojyo's heart had stopped for more than ten minutes. By right, Gojyo should not be alive. By right, he could not revive Gojyo. By right, he could not be smiling like he did now. It was a miracle. And Hakkai still couldn't believe he had received one.

He sat on the chair beside the bed and leaned forward to softly touched the red strands, pushing them from Gojyo's forehead. The used-to-be pale face had regained a little of its lost color. The twin scars didn't look so prominent now and the hair tresses were no longer looked so contrasted to the skin. Hakkai's verdant eyes trailed down from Gojyo's face to the half-breed's hand. Silently, Hakkai slipped his hand into Gojyo's, treasuring the warmth.

Every now and then, Hakkai became more attentive to simple, insignificant things that he used to take for granted, that proved Gojyo was alive. Like Gojyo's breathings, the warmth when he held Gojyo's hand, the steady rises and falls of Gojyo's chest, the way sometimes the blanket messed up when Gojyo moved… Therefore, it was no wonder Hakkai could feel the slight change in Gojyo's breathingsand the way Gojyo's fingers twitched in his grasp.

Hakkai's eyes snapped back to Gojyo's face, just waiting, expecting… anticipating. Gojyo was finally waking up and Hakkai felt his heart skipped a beat. He rose from the chair and gently perched his hips on the edge of the bed, before leaning forward to look closely at Gojyo's face. "…Gojyo…?" All but whisper, as if he was afraid he was wrong.

Eyes were still closing. No motions to be seen yet. But a smile broke out on Hakkai's eyes when he heard word coming out of the lips. "…Hakkai…?" Gojyo rasped.

"Yes, it's me," Hakkai answered, still in the low tone. "How are you feeling, Gojyo?"

It took several moments for Gojyo to force his eyes to open and when they adjusted to light, Gojyo could make out Hakkai's face, hanging over his face. Somehow, Gojyo remembered the first he brought Hakkai into his house; injured and dying. When Hakkai awoke, he was hanging his face above the brunet's; just like Hakkai was doing right now. It was achingly familiar. It seemed such a long way both of them had walked through to get where they were right now. From a simple stranger's compassion, to deep friendship, to lovers and now Gojyo wanted more. He was greedy, he knew that.

Gojyo slowly moved his hand to touch Hakkai's face, but only managed to grasp the brunet's white sash on the chest. He could feel his hand trembled slightly. His body was still recuperating from the hellish ordeal and his muscles were protesting from the sudden use. "I feel like shit…" And then Gojyo said hoarsely as he grinned weakly. "But much better than the last time I was conscious. I don't feel like fucking screaming anymore."

Hakkai smiled at the lighthearted curses Gojyo said and then, inevitably, laughed. The laughter broke the silence that had been in that room for three days. And Hakkai laughed again. He felt as if everything was falling back to where it should be. He felt that the normality that he had asked so fervently before was being granted. That everything was going to be alright again.

Gojyo smiled too because he had never heard Hakkai laughed like that; he found out that he liked that sound so damn much. Not just the sound, but also the way Hakkai's eyes crinkled beautifully and the way faint flushes appeared across his nose, highlighting the genuine happiness Gojyo knew Hakkai felt. Much to Gojyo's delight, he watched Hakkai leaned closer to him and dropped barely felt kisses on his forehead, down to nose and finally to his dried, cracked lips. Gojyo had wanted the closeness, the touches; bloody hell, he fought through the death for this! The lips grazed slightly, giving a ghostly feeling on his already tingling skin. He felt his breaths quickened, hot and heavy, in anticipation. And the tongue that swept on his lips after that was real and very, very tangible.

Before Gojyo could open his own mouth to pull the tongue inside, Hakkai lifted his face and let his lips hung not more than an inch from Gojyo's. Gojyo wanted to protest for the withdrawal but Hakkai's soft words stopped him. "…The last time you joked around seemed like so long ago…" he whispered and felt Gojyo's slight shudders as his hot breath hit on the redhead's now-wet lips. "…I can't believe how long three days were… how I thought they would never pass…"

Gojyo's eyelashes brushed against Hakkai's cheekbone as the former tried to look down to Hakkai, so close their faces were. "I was asleep for three days?" Gojyo asked with quiet disbelief. "It didn't feel that long…"

"Uh…huh…" Hakkai answered, murmuring as he nodded slightly. He went silent for a few moments, savoring the closeness. "Three, long days…" He, then, raised one hand to bury it into Gojyo's luxurious flaming lock, holding Gojyo's face up towards him.

Gojyo could barely hear the inaudible I-miss-you, so he couldn't be certain Hakkai ever said that. He doubted it. Saying something like that was so not like Hakkai he knew. But the thought vanished abruptly and became so insignificant when Hakkai closed his mouth with his own lips. This kiss was different from any other kisses they had shared before. Gojyo could feel almost everything in this kiss. Desperation, hunger, fear, lust, affection, and much more that he couldn't identify were in the kiss… Gojyo felt so full… so completed… so needed… so smothered… he wanted it all…

Hakkai urged Gojyo's mouth to open further for him… his tongue delved further inside… he wanted Gojyo to feel what he had felt for the past three days; he wanted Gojyo to know how far he would go for him; he wanted Gojyo to feel the desperation, fear and most of all the love that he couldn't speak of… and when it all added up, he wanted Gojyo… as simple as that… as complicated as that…

And Gojyo wanted it all… He released his grasp on Hakkai's sash, slid up to the brunet's neck and used all his strength to wrap his one arm around the neck, pulling Hakkai closer… making the kiss deeper… the feelings overpowered as Hakkai's hand in his hair lifted his head from the pillow… he could almost feel the love among the lusts in the kiss… he wanted to believe it was love… because, help him… he loved the man above him…

He was so afraid before. Afraid to admit the growing love he felt for his best friend. And then, Kenshin came along, pulling him further inside the shadow he created long before he met Kenshin. But Hakkai was so being persistent; he knew the brunet did not have to do anything because he kept falling further and deeper. It couldn't be helped. He was being a coward and so damned stubborn that it took a brief death to make him realized the chance he stupidly let slipped away.

It took a complete black and frightening death to force him to admit that he loved Hakkai.

Gojyo loved Hakkai so much that he couldn't breathe… he loved Hakkai for so long that he couldn't remember when it started… he loved Hakkai for everything the man was, right from the fact he was a murderer, a damn perfectionist that sometimes annoyed him, a constant nag that never stopped irritated him to the most kindest person he had ever met. He searched high and low for love when what he was looking was in front of him… when the love he was looking for was in the man who knew his darkest secrets, his flaws, his greatest mistakes and yet still be there for him… when the love he was looking for was in the man who understood he was the cursed one…

So, if what he felt in the kiss was wrong… that if it was not love… god, helped him…

If he had to face another fucking rejection…

Hakkai was the first to break the kiss. But it was because he felt something warm and wet fall onto his hand that was in Gojyo's hair. At first he thought blood. He thought wrong. Dark green eyes went wide when he saw thin lines of tear streamed out from the tightly closed eyes, hiding the ruby orbs. Gojyo's face was faintly flushed, lips slightly parted, breathless from the kiss and eyes closed; tears still managed to escape. He looked so sexy and heartbreakingly beautiful.

"Gojyo…" Hakkai breathed.

The said half-breed seemed reluctant to open his eyes, silently cursing for the tears that escaped, for the heart that was feeling too damned much. The torture under Kenshin and the abnormal change in him couldn't make him cry. It was a mere thought of losing what he had with Hakkai drove the tears to slip. That was all it took to make him cry. He was fucking pathetic.

But, then, he was Sha Gojyo. He was known for being so damn passionate that he would always be the one who was hurting. He couldn't change the way he was, the way he felt. The sole arm that was around Hakkai's neck remained motionless; his body was tense. He couldn't even stop the damn tears! And Hakkai, feeling the tense in Gojyo's body, slowly let Gojyo's head back on the pillow, waiting Gojyo to open his eyes.

When Gojyo found the courage to open his eyes, he found Hakkai's intense eyes were watching him. Just watching; expecting nothing. His breath was caught behind his throat, he wanted to do something, to say anything. He was feeling so much, emotions rolled inside him; he wanted to share it with Hakkai. He wanted to tell the man who was his best friend that he loved him. Gojyo knew he could lose what he had with Hakkai; he could risk hurting himself like before, but then since when his heart ever learned?

He had always be the one who put his heart on the ground and begged anyone to trample it, begging for a love that had been always unattainable.

"Why are you…" Hakkai's soft murmur stopped and his eyes looked at the tears that still streaming out. He raised his hand and wiped the tears slowly, deliberately; he was silently fascinated. He had never seen Gojyo shed any tears before. The vulnerability he saw in his lover was stunning… arresting… He brought his damped thumb to his lips, tasting for the first time his lover's tears and heard the way Gojyo gasped softly at his act.

The look Hakkai gave him, gave Gojyo courage. And so, the half-breed looked up and met his eyes to Hakkai's. His lips moved slowly, as if giving himself time to reconsider his reckless decision.

"Hakkai… I…"

It is worth it…? Are the three words you want to say worthy of what you shared… of what you have with him now? You are about to break the agreement you have with him, you know?

I know damn it! But I am feeling fucking too much… I can no longer pretend to go back the way we were… not when I have already fallen like this…

At least you will still have him in your cold bed at nights… at least the nightmares will not haunt you when you feel his arms around you… you don't have to tell him what he don't want to know… at least you can pretend that he loves you back…

I can't! I'm not him! I can't live the days, pretending we are still friends and make love to him at nights, pretending he loves me back!

What would you do then when he rejected you…? He may have let go the ghost of his dead lover… What makes you think he ready for love… for someone like you…? Can you go on this journey, having him so close and yet so far? To never be able to feel his kiss again, to hear him laugh just for you anymore, to see him looks at you as if he loves you back… just because you are too greedy to want more.

I would probably die… He is the one who brought me to life when I am supposed to be dead… I don't think I could stay alive if he… rejected me…

Then why? You can still have it all… you don't have to tell him that you love him.

Because I feel too much. Don't hear me? Because I want to be able to tell him that I love him every time he makes love to me, every time he makes me happy, every time I make him laugh, every single second… every single day… without fear, without restrain, without hesitation…

… … Perhaps you are right…

…what…?

Your heart will never learn… You will never learn…

Gojyo laughed bitterly silently. I am what I am… I am stupid, after all…

"Gojyo…?" Hakkai's eyes never stopped scrutinizing the face below him. He could see the hesitation across Gojyo's face.

"Hakkai…" Gojyo slowly withdrew his arm around the healer's neck and stopped when his palm grasped Hakkai's jaw. He brought his other hand and cupped the other side of Hakkai's jaws. A heartbeat and a brief hesitation passed before Gojyo pulled Hakkai down and kissed the lips. He would return Hakkai's earlier kiss with equal fervor and desperation he felt, if his strength was back to normal. But instead, he could only open his mouth and let Hakkai's tongue inside him.

Tears threatened to spill again when he thought of losing all these. But he loved Hakkai and he wanted to tell him…

Without breaking the kiss, Hakkai shifted his position, lying wholly on top on Gojyo. He braced his legs to both sides of Gojyo's legs, trapping the latter possessively. Much better and much more comfortable… Hakkai could kiss deeper like this; he wanted to rob Gojyo's breaths and made him as one with him. Despite the fact it was Gojyo who initiated the kiss, Hakkai could feel hesitation and chaos in the redhead's kiss.

He knew something was bothering Gojyo so deeply and considering all that he had gone through, Hakkai didn't know which one. He could also see Gojyo was bursting with something, as if wanting to tell him but utterly afraid. Hakkai almost found that absurd because since when Gojyo ever afraid to say anything? Gojyo could never hide anything he felt. Gojyo was not the masquerader; he was. That was one of Gojyo's traits that attracted him the most. He knew where he stood when he was with Gojyo.

Gojyo couldn't take this anymore. The words were choking him, clogging his throat. His heart was bursting. He wasn't fooling Hakkai, he fucking knew that. So he pushed Hakkai slightly away from him, breaking the kiss; breathless and all. Looking deep inside Hakkai's startled eyes for being pushed away so abruptly, Gojyo took a deep breath. It was now or never.

"I love you."

A whisper.

Nothing more than just a soft, frightened whisper.

To Gojyo, it could have been a shout.

But Gojyo had never felt this sure before even when he could lose it all.

Gojyo watched Hakkai's eyes went wide in utter shock and disbelief. Gojyo couldn't breathe. His insecurity made him expecting a rejection and the fact that Hakkai was stunned didn't help the matter.

"…What…?" Hakkai breathed, struggling to make his mind functioning again. He had heard it. He just couldn't believe it.

"I love you…" The admission went softer. Gojyo was waiting the rejection he knew he deserved. He could almost hear his mother's scream in utter hatred; he could almost feel his mother's beatings when he tried to tell her how much he loved her. You are the cursed one! What makes you think I would love a dirty creature like you! Go away! Don't touch me!

"I… I fucking love you… damn it to hell."

Then silence.

There was nothing but Hakkai's heavy breaths at such admission.

Disbelief. Shock.

All these time, he had wondered how long he could keep his feeling a secret as he tried to win Gojyo's heart. All these time, all those chances arose, all those chances they had lost… Gojyo loved him…Good heaven… would life stop throwing ironies and surprises at him…?

Now he had said it, Gojyo couldn't stop.

"Fuck the agreement we made before… I put up the rules and I broke them, I know that." Gojyo's voice was low and tight, his body went so tense, his face was hard and he fisted Hakkai's white sash with both hands tightly; his knuckles went white. "Hell, I should be the old player in this kind of game; who would guess I would be the damn loser…?"

Hakkai still didn't say anything and Gojyo couldn't stop talking. His tone dropped even lower to mere whisper and he couldn't look at Hakkai's eyes anymore. So, he closed them again. "I'm a fool but what I feel is too much… so damn much… you'd probably never know…"

Shock and disbelief slowly passed like they should be. There were nothing left but feelings of happiness and infinite gratitude to whomever concern. Hakkai was elated, he was rejoiced and that was understatement! He had wanted to hear that from Gojyo's mouth ever since he had realized his feeling. Typical, him! Always let Gojyo be the one to speak up first. Always let Gojyo do anything first. Always remained as a coward. And Gojyo thought he was the fool one.

In fact, they both were, tiptoeing around the words, keep on wasting time and chances…

But Gojyo loved him! Gojyo had stopped playing the cautious game they were playing and said them with such frankness that was Gojyo. The words swirled around Hakkai like shouts and he couldn't think any other words to match up Gojyo's words. Except these. Those kinds of words could only be replied with these words.

"God, Gojyo… I love you, too…" Hakkai murmured; his grip on Gojyo's hair tightened with the intense emotion he felt inside. The words rolled out from his lips naturally, as if this was what supposed to be.There was a catch in his voice that made Gojyo's heart pounded crazily. "…so much… too much… and I know exactly how you feel…"

I love you too… I love you too…

The words echoed. He couldn't believe it. Gojyo closed his eyes, letting the words sank in blissfully. The knuckles slowly loosening the death grips on the rumpling sash. He had taken the chances… and now Hakkai loved him back. Hakkai loved him, even though he knew he was the cursed one, the one who should not be allowed to even to exist.

And he did something he never thought possible. Gojyo curved his lips into smile and then, tears fall without control. He was crying happily. "I've been hated for the color I bear," Gojyo said softly. "I keep on falling down and struggling to stand up again. But I hold on like some stubborn idiot because somehow I knew…"

"Knew…?"

"That I was waiting for something to happen." Gojyo smiled.

Hakkai swallowed hard at the new, alien contented expression on his best friend's best. "…Did that 'something' have already happened…?"

Then, Gojyo opened his eyes; previous tears made his eyes like molten fire; vibrant and alive. Hakkai felt as if he was watching two suns; instead of setting, both of them were rising. Hopeful, harmonious… beautiful. He couldn't breathe. He had never seen Gojyo so peaceful. To think that it was him who brought that kind of feeling to Gojyo…

And Gojyo said softly, forming one word. "Yes."

They exchanged smiles. No other words were needed. The feeling was mutual and no one would understand them better than one another. They understood each scar, sin, dark past they bore. They built some kind of bond for overthree years that made them learned, understood, accepted and finally let go of their pasts. Three years of friendship made them saw the best of each other and of course, love would inevitably touch them in such way they had never imagined.

Love taught Hakkai to rest Kana's ghost and allowed him to live for himself without guilt. Love taught Hakkai to learn to live again and to feel again after three years of numbness. Love taught Hakkai to live as Hakkai without Gonou pulled him apart.

Love taught Gojyo to give life another chance. Love taught Gojyo that love did not always have to hurt. Love taught Gojyo to accept and love himself as a half-breed; that it didn't matter he had red hair and eyes because he was what he was. Nothing could chance that,

Love changed them. And for once they were no longer afraid.

"Food!" Goku was practically bounced in the chair. "Yeah! I'm so hungry! I feel like I haven't eaten in days!" Right now, it was only two of them on the table, which suited Goku just fine. Hakkai was upstairs and he didn't say anything about joining them. So, he could have all the food for himself.

Sanzo eyebrows twitched in annoyance. He just couldn't understand how Goku could be so mature, practical and perceptive at one time and then, became nothing but just and annoying kid the next. "Shut up, monkey! You're giving me headache!"

And the unavoidable came. Goku pouted and whined. "But I'm really, really hungry! There are many things happen in the past few days and I think my heart had enough!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever…" Sanzo muttered, silently agreeing with the brunet. He was aggravated and angry and frustrated to the point he wanted to puke. And he still hadn't been able to shoot any of the two demons, who are responsible for all these. "Just sit still and keep quiet."

Goku grinned. He might be mistaken but he could feel Sanzo had softened a little bit towards him. Resting his chin on his crossed arm on the table, Goku surreptitiously watched Sanzo under his chocolate bang. The monk was wearing a pair of glasses; eyebrows drew together in concentration when he read the paper. Goku didn't know why, but watching Sanzo read newspaper while waiting for food to arrive always made Goku felt like home.

Hakkai had once said the home was where the people he cared were. Goku had agreed to those words immediately. But then, Hakkai had always been the smart one; he taught him so many things. To him, Sanzo was his home no matter where they went. And every grumpy order, paper fan hitting and gruff remarks completed the home-like feeling. Without them, Goku would be at lost. His home was not the temple where they stayed.

Sanzo could feel the hidden scrutiny from Goku and for some odd reasons he felt a small smile arising. It was odd because every time anybody did that, that person ended up being thwacked by paper fan or for pervert, he usually just shot without asking. But never smiling like he was flattered or anything. There's no way in hell he was going to smile when Goku was watching him like that. So, Sanzo stubbornly doubled his concentration to the papers in front of him, not even aware the same words he had reread for the last two minutes.

When the food finally arrived, Sanzo stifled the relief sigh as he slowly put down his newspaper. He ordered strong sake; he had no appetite, not when he was feeling like this.

Goku attacked the food and Sanzo occasionally barked irritating orders and remarks, just for the sake of normality; that was all. Sanzo's paper fan flied and Goku whined ceaselessly. It the normal, simple things they did every day. And the anger and irritation that usually followed the ritual wasn't there anymore. But none of them were aware of that yet. Not even the ever-perceptive Sanzo-sama.

Suddenly, Goku stopped abruptly and Sanzo looked at his charge. He watched Goku's bowed head and the way both of his hands gripped the edge of the table.

"Goku?" Sanzo eyed the boy warily. "What's wrong?" Goku raised his head, the golden eyes widened and paleness crept to his tanned face quickly. Sanzo's violet eyes widened as a sense of déjà vu swept over him. Goku was almost as pale as Gojyo when… when the half-breed was poisoned…

"Sanzo…" Goku whispered, breathing harshly. "I don't feel so good…" And he swayed from the chair to collapse on the floor.

"Shit!" Sanzo swore, his feet immediately on his feet to go around the table to catch the boy from falling. But there was no way he could have reached the Goku from falling in time, so he flung the table aside; the table fell with deafening crash, and Sanzo lunged forward to catch his charge. "Goku!"

Sanzo kneeled on the floor with Goku cradled in his arms. The brunet looked up at Sanzo, trembling. "…Is it…" Goku gasped with sudden pain. "…Is it the meat I ate…?"

Sanzo was trembling too. But with unbelievable anger and fear. First Gojyo and now Goku! What the hell did both of them want! "…No, I don't think it's the meat, Goku…" Sanzo said, gritted his jaws with fury.

Where the hell was Hakkai when he needed him!

"Hold on Goku…" Sanzo pulled the brunet closer and hold him more securely as he prepared to lift Goku upstairs where he knew Hakkai was. "Don't you dare fucking pass out on me!"

Goku was all but nodded as he felt himself being lifted. His hand reached out to grip his stomach that suddenly felt so hot. "…Hurt…"

"Stop talking!" Sanzo ordered as he began the frantic run. The poison acted so fast.

But his feet stopped moving when his eyes saw two figures blocked his way. It was both surprising but expected. He narrowed his eyes when he saw Kenshin leaned against the doorframe; his only exit, looking so infuriatingly amused. Beside him, Sanzo saw a smaller demon, with long blue-black hair and eyes so cold they could rival Hakkai's eyes in his demon form. Zean, he supposed.

There was no doubt of his early suspicious just now. He knew it was them who poisoned Goku. He was angry at himself for being so careless. Sanzo tightened his hold on Goku, almost protectively. He would not let the past to be repeated.

With Goku trembling in his embrace and Hakkai and Gojyo no where, Sanzo knew he was badly out-numbered.

"Fucking shit…"