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CHAPTER 3
Choices
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Buffy couldn't say half a word for a few minutes. No, so couldn't even think, that "small" thing was too much to progress. She just kept staring at the tickets Spike was holding. Oh, of course she wanted to go. She wanted it like nothing else. But there was about three billion reasons why she couldn't go.

"Uh, Buffy?" Spike asked carefully. He thought she'd kick him out... well, kiss him first and then kick him out. Or start listing the reasons behind her "no". Hell, he'd expected her to respond in any way, not to zone out. Spike walked closer to her, touching her cheek. "Say something."

For the first time that had seemed like forever Buffy raised her eyes to look at him. And there was a world of confusion in them. It took time, but finally she snapped out of it.

"I hate you." Now that was once strange statement from her. There wasn't real hatred, obviously there was no love and the tree words weren't even saying that there is no way she'd ever go anywhere with him.

Buffy gave him a look of please-leave and went to the living room.

"Well at least it's a response of some sort." Spike mumbled to himself as he followed her. "Wouldn't say you hated me last night." He winked at her. "Or the night before it. Or..."

"Shut up." Buffy grinned at him, blushing a little. "That is not the subject right now."

Spike put his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him. "Maybe we should consider makin' it a subject then?"

Yes! "No." Buffy tried to act as calmly as possible but how was she supposed to do it when he was standing right in front of her, just a couple of feet away.

Spike looked at Buffy as the silence fell between them, without breaking the eye contact. It was one damn strange night. So different from all the other ones before. Ever since the bringing-a-house-down-incident they had both known what would happen in the dark. And now it felt like it was brushed off in a blink of an eye. Nothing was the same. But it was good; it felt good. And right. And they both knew it.

"Right 'en." Spike exhaled sharply. "How will it be?"

Buffy kept her eyes on him a long time before answering. "No." She said in a whisper.

"No?"

"I already told you."

Even though Buffy was desperately trying to make him believe she wants him gone and she doesn't care about his little trip, she knew she was failing. How was it possible that out of every person she had ever met, Spike was the one to see her like this? And Buffy loved it. She knew this was how it was meant to be, but she'd rather die than tell it to his face.

Buffy sat on the couch, facing away from Spike.

"Why on earth are you doin' this to yourself?" Spike was getting slightly annoyed at her attitude.

"I'm not doing anything to myself." Buffy assured, still not looking at him. "I just can't go. I'm sorry."

"Sorry you are." Spike skeptically mumbled to himself, then walked over to Buffy and sat down on the couch next to her. "So. What sorta pretty excuse will you make up t'is time?"

Buffy glared at him. "I'm not making up excuses."

"Yeah?"

Buffy stood up angrily. "You know what? I've had it, why won't you just get over yourself already?"

Spike tilted his head and grinned at her. "Slayer, you look really sexy when you're angry."

Buffy rolled her eyes at him. "Okay, look. I'm already being so distant with Dawn. I can't just leave her like that. Even if it's just one week. And there's no way Giles will ever agree to this."

Spike smirked at her. "'S that the best you've got, luv?"

"You just won't give up, will you?"

"The Little Bit will be fine. She's a big girl; she can handle herself. Same goes for you. Buffy, you're a grown woman, you don't need Giles's approval to go out." Pause. "Besides, I'm pretty sure he'd only encourage you to do it as he knows what you've been through. Hell, he'd probably pack your bag sayin' some time alone away from here 's exactly what you need."

Buffy stared at Spike, knowing she wasn't gonna win this one. "Maybe. But I wouldn't be alone."

"Ain't that the good part?"

"No. Spike, I don't trust myself with you."

He was taken aback. This time her words hurt. They weren't meant to, but they did.

"Fine." He stood up. "I'm sorry for only wanting you to be happy."

"Spike, I..."

"No no, 's fine." He put the two tickets down on the table. "You don't want to go with me, it's okay. Take Dawn. Or Willow. But go. You need this, Buffy."

He gave her a brief look and left the house.

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Three hours later Buffy was still sitting on the same spot, staring at the tickets in her hand.

Spike was right; she needed this. And she needed to go with him. It wasn't about taking time out or just having fun, it was about sorting things out. Sorting out her life and the role he played in it. Deep down in her heart Buffy knew she couldn't end things with Spike. She wouldn't. Her friends had taken heaven away but he was giving it back to her.

Buffy stood up and put the tickets in her pocket, wondering if Dawn would want to see the Colosseum.

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(...five days later...)

The Scoobies had gathered around in Buffy's living room as she told them the little news of her taking a break.

"So... you're really gonna go? Just like that?" Xander asked her with surprise.

"Yup." Buffy nodded.

"Buffy are you sure that this is a... you know, good idea?" Willow was a bit worried. "I mean, Dawn..."

"You guys... look, I've made up my mind. I'm gonna go. And I'm gonna have fun."

Xander sighed and looked out the window. Something inside told him Buffy wasn't being completely honest with them.

"Well... for once, I believe this is a great idea." Giles said as he stood up, going over to Buffy. "You know you will always have my trust."

Buffy smiled. "Thank you."

But that wasn't all the approval she needed. "Xander?"

"Huh?"

"What do you think of it?"

"Does it matter? You're gonna go anyway."

Buffy was taken aback. She really hadn't thought Xander would be the one to have problems with her leaving.

"Of course it matters!"

"Well..." Xander looked questioningly at the others. Anya and Tara still hadn't said a word, but the look on their faces was saying they were happy for Buffy. "I think you should go!"

Everyone's heads turned to him in surprise. "What! I do think that Buffy should go and... have fun... relax... do the stuff... you know."

Buffy had a big smile on her face as she went to Xander and hugged him. "This means really much to me."

"It better does!" He replied with a smile. "And don't forget to bring me those little miniature Colosseums."

Buffy chuckled. "I won't."

This was nice. Everyone was okay with her going.

"When will you leave?" Tara asked.

"Uh..." Buffy checked her watch. "In 7... no, 6 hours."

"6 hours?" Giles stared at his Slayer. "Have you gone completely insane?"

"And so say all of us..." Xander mumbled to himself.

"Weren't you supposed to trust me?" Buffy turned to Giles with a smirk.

"Of course I do... but... have you even told Dawn about this?"

"Told me about what?" Dawn was standing on the doorway. She had heard Giles's last sentence. "What do you wanna tell me about, Buffy?"

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"And that's the story."

Buffy was sitting on the bed in Dawn's bedroom telling her about the little trip.

"You thought I'd be mad? You seriously thought I'd be mad?" Dawn couldn't believe her ears.

"Yes. No. Maybe... I dunno. For the past weeks... I haven't... I haven't been there for you."

"Buffy it's okay." Dawn had a huge smile on her face. "I'm happy for you. Xander may be a dumbass and not want you to go, but I think this is the best idea ever!"

"You do?"

"Yeah! Get out of this town, this country, and just be and relax... You need it after the whole thing."

"And you don't think I'm stupid for wanting to do this?" For some reason Buffy almost wanted her sister to be mad at her, to tell her it's a bad idea and there's no way she can go. Guess that wasn't gonna happen, though.

"I'd only say you're stupid if you were taking someone with you."

Buffy looked away, feeling her cheeks flush red. Taking someone with her...

"Well I'm not. It's all me. Alone. Completely."

"Yup, and that's good. You need to do some soul-searching and that requires being alone."

"Soul-searching?" Buffy gave her sister a questioning look.

Dawn laughed a little. "Isn't that what you're going for?"

"Well..."

Dawn didn't let her finish. "C'mon now, Buffy, you have to go." She stood up. "Wouldn't wanna miss the plane."

"Nope." Buffy shook her head as she got up too, picking up her bag. "Tell the others I'll get to the airport myself, okay?"

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah. You know Giles... so not good with goodbyes. He'll make it look like I'm gonna leave forever." Buffy tried her best to paint a smile on her face, but it was hard as she thought about what she's gonna face quite soon.

"Okay."

There was a momentary silence between them.

"Buffy?" Dawn asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

Dawn smiled and hugged her sister. "Have fun."

"I will."

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Buffy was standing on the porch, staring up the star-lit sky. She took out the tickets from her pocket and looked at them. This was it, she was gonna do it. And it was gonna change her life. Forever.

Didn't go exactly the way you thought it would, huh? Well, no worries, this is just the beginning, there will be a lot of (Spuffy) twists in this story. But it would be really nice if you told me what you think of it (hint! hint!).