Disclaimer: All belongs to ABCD, the song this is based on is performed by Kathy Brier

Fandom: One Life to Live

Characters: John McBain, Viki Davidson, Natalie Vega

WARNINGS: Extremely angsty!

Rating: PG

Dedications: This one is for Becki for being such an amazing friend!

Timeline/Spoilers: Takes place a year and a month after the reveal.

Author's Notes: I have been listening to "Borrowed Angels" by Kathy Brier (the song from Jen's funeral on One Life to Live) non-stop lately, and I had this idea yesterday morning I guess and it decided it wanted to be written last night. PLEASE REVIEW!

Also, I had to remove the lyrics for submission on Sorry! I do highly recommend that you listen to this song if you haven't, it is amazing!

Summary: John loses the best thing in his life… How does he deal?

Title: Borrowed Angels

As the fiery liquid burned its' way down John McBain's throat, he tried to hold back the sobs. His shoulders shook from the effort as he leaned back against the wall. It had been three hundred and sixty-five days, one hour and seven minutes since he'd lost the love of his life—and it was all his own damn fault. Finally losing his battle, as he'd known he would, the memories began to flood his mind, and as the tears began to flow he whispered only one word, "Natalie…"

One Year Earlier

"John, why do we have to keep having this conversation?" Natalie demanded her face red and tearstained. "It's been a month since—since Cris was killed in that prison riot and you saw fit to finally tell me the truth. If not for you my husband might still be alive. I—I can't forgive you for that." Her voice broke and she turned back to her now ever-present drink, gulping it down. John sighed and fought the impulse to pull her to him and kiss her senseless, choosing instead to do as she had initially asked and leave.

He stopped at the door as a chill passed over him and turned back to look at her. An eerie image flitted through his brain—Natalie lying in a coffin, her all-too-still hands clasped between her breasts holding a single white rose. John shuddered and flung the image away as he left.

That night, everything from Michael's tearful voice on the phone—"She's gone, John."—onward was a complete blur. He refused to believe that his Natalie could be gone from the world and lost himself in liquor bottles for the next three days. He hadn't stopped until Viki came by that fateful day.

John had opened the door wearing wrinkled clothing, the same rumpled white tank top and black sweats he'd worn the last time he had seen Natalie. He hadn't showered or shaved, and his eyes were dark and haunted. As he stared into Viki's swollen red-rimmed eyes the truth struck him like a lightning bolt. His face crumpled as he sank to the floor. Viki knelt beside him and pulled him to her breast, comforting him as she would a son as they mourned the woman who had meant so much to both of them.

An hour later they quietly sat on the couch, lost in the bitter reality that was now their own. Finally Viki spoke. "I came here because—she left a note for each of us to read after her passing. It was in her will that they be given to us." John nodded silently, urging her to continue. Viki placed her hand on his and met his gaze. "My daughter loved you to the end John. She would want for you to continue living—she wants that for us all."

John looked at the woman sitting beside him and wished that he could be made of the same stuff as she. She had lost another daughter who was not even in the ground yet and here she was comforting him. Is there no justice in this world? And why does this amazingly strong woman seem to get the worst of what life can throw?

"You're right," he replied softly, reaching out to tentatively embrace her. "She wouldn't want—this," he said ashamedly, gesturing to the floor that was littered with liquor bottles. Viki placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "No. She wouldn't." She smiled weakly as she stood to her feet. "The funeral is tomorrow at noon." She pulled an envelope from her bag. "Here—she gave this to her lawyer two weeks before she died." "Mrs. Davidson—" She shushed him. "I know."

Long after she had left, John sat just turning the envelope over in his hands studying the familiar handwriting on the front and wondering. She had written this after knowing everything that he had done—what sort of thing would she say? Finally he steeled himself and opened the letter, not expecting to find two sheets of paper and a smaller note that fluttered to the floor. He picked the note up and began to read.

John,

If you're getting these letters it means I'm gone. You should know that the letter labeled number one was written three weeks before I found out about Cristian, and the second was written after the fact. I love you John—now and forever. I can never hate you for trying to protect me, so forgive a poor ignorant girl for not being able to face up to the fact that she caused her husband's death.

Love,

Natalie

John gently sat the note aside and turned to the letters. He read them each over and over again until he could recite them from memory—but he kept reading because seeing her familiar handwriting made him feel better in some strange way. The first letter described how he made her feel—"like I'm beautiful, even though sometimes I don't act that way."—and the second letter was about the many ways she'd found to shift the blame for Cristian's death to herself. "Don't get me wrong, I know most of the blame is yours to carry but I have a good deal of it on my shoulders. I should have known that an imposter couldn't fool me that badly. My love for you blinded me."

Finally after hours of reading and re-reading he set the letters aside and went to take a shower. As the scalding water beat down on him he wondered if he had gone to kiss her that night if she would be still be alive. Maybe if he had kissed her she would have kissed him back and they could have come to his hotel room instead of her walking home blind drunk and stumbling out into the street right in front of a car…

John didn't go to the church service. He had always hated those damn things and preferred to say good-bye in his own way. As he watched the graveside ceremony from a distance he was almost surprised and certainly touched at the large number attending. Natalie had touched more lives than either of them had ever known. His tears flowed as he watched them lower the casket into the ground and then turned to leave. He just couldn't face anyone right now.

Hours later, under the cover of night he approached her grave slowly, nervously twirling a long stemmed red rose between his fingers. "Hey baby," he murmured, tracing the engraved letters of her name with shaking fingers as he collapsed to the ground. "I still can't believe you're gone. You were so vibrant and full of life… What kind of a god would you take you from this world? We all need you—I need you." His tears flowed. "You wouldn't believe how many people were here today; how many people whose lives you touched sweetheart."

"I don't know what else to say—I don't know how to make this better for anyone. No one is looking to me for answers but I still wish like hell that I had them. Why did you take her from us so soon, and why can't you stop this pain?" John pleaded for an answer, gazing up into the sky as he allowed his tears to come faster and harder. Receiving no answer he turned his attention back to the grave as he realized just how black it was. He wouldn't leave his Natalie to face the darkness alone again. Voice trembling, he spoke. "I know—I know how much you hate the dark, but I'm here."

As the sky began to turn shades of pink, John forced himself to his feet. He knew that it was time he began to try to find a way to live without Natalie. He knew that the world would never again seem so bright without her in it, but he had to try to survive. He owed it to her, as well as one final thing he had never been able to give her in life. "I love you Natalie. I always will, and I know that you would want me to keep living so I'm going to. You changed me for the better, and maybe someday in the distant future I can find love again. But know that every time I take a breath, I'm thinking of you. Goodbye, Natalie." He walked from the cemetery, tears flowing freely for all to see.

Present

As John let his head fall back against the wall once more he was overcome by the sensation of somebody watching him. His eyes scanned the darkness to no avail. Suddenly he felt a cool breeze whip by his cheek, and he inhaled sharply as the room filled with Natalie's sweet scent. As he tossed the liquor bottle aside and stood up to go shower, he realized that maybe Heaven does answer prayers—it just takes time and isn't always in a form you'd expect.

FIN