"We here at Shinra would like to extend our apologies for the shortness of the last episode of Turk TV. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we were forced to cut the last episode short, and it has now been decided to pre-record episodes, to avoid future problems. Thank you for your patience." A middle aged man says from behind his desk. "We will join the Turks in their latest episode, after a word from our sponsors."

The picture shifts, and a woman in her late twenties, donning a red dress is shown.

"Hi, I'm Scarlet, and I'd like you to introduce you to my latest invention, the lean, mean, sound reducing, killing machine." Scarlet pulls out a ridiculously oversized handgun, featuring a scope, laser sight, extended clip, gold plating and a chain-saw attachment. She smiles seductively and her teeth 'ping'. Before the weight of the gun makes her fall. She gets back up a second later, struggling to hold the weapon, and continues.

"I'm so proud of it, I put my name on it!" She beams, the camera zooms in on the gun, where there's some text embedded into the barrel, which reads 'Scarlet Witch'.

The camera zooms out, just in time to see Scarlet fall again, before switching to the Shinra logo.

The title scene and music to Turk TV start up, which was basically just Reno playing Air Guitar to the jazzy Turk, theme tune, and the odd clip of the Turks fighting.

When it finally ends, Rude is sat in a small armchair, and looks uncomfortable.

"So, Mr. Rude, we didn't get to ask last episode, but what exactly is it that the Turks do?" That annoying voice, from the previous episode asks.

"We scout for Soldier candidates..."

"Is that it?"

"No..."

"Oh... So what else do you guys do?"

"Protect the public and Shinra from harm."

"So, is there any high points to being a Turk?"

"Yes..."

"Well... What are they?"

"Free booze..."

"Any downsides?"

"Yes..." Rude looks toward the camera, through his tinted shades, before continuing. "There's alot of late night missions, alot of secrets too... It really does a number on your personal life..."

"Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

"Yes..."

"Well?"

"I'd like to tell Mr. Jacob Keyes, that I know what he did last summer..." Rude pauses, to crack his fingers. "Mr Jacob Keyes, I know what you did last summer... Your a very sick person..."

The picture changes from Rude to Reno.

"Hello Reno."

"Hello Bob. Hello Mr. mysterious-annoying-voice-that-will-probably-be-revealed-in-a-later-episode."

"So, Reno, tell us, what do the Turks actually do?"

"Oh, we do loads of things, like this one time, at band camp, at least, I think it was band camp, I dunno, my memory's not to good these days, anyway, so there I was, at band camp, surrounded by, like ten thousand ninjas, all armed with those spinning blade thingy's and swords, lots of swords, like there was this one guy, that had like ten of them! Anyway, so there I was, surrounded by loads of ninja dudes, who all wanted to marry this woman because she had like glass slippers, don't ask me how she walked in those things mind, they were really uncomfortable when I tried them on... So anyway, they wanted to marry this chick, and I'm like 'No way dudes, she totally doesn't wanna be bugged by loads of ninja dudes, yo' and then they're like, 'you disrespect my honor, I will chop you into sushi!' and then I pulled out my Scarlet Witch handgun, and I'm like, 'suck on this dudes!' and shoot them all! My Scarlet Witch handgun like totally rocks yo!" Reno said in one go.

"So, you shot ten thousand ninjas with your Scarlet Witch handgun, without taking a single hit?"

"Yeah, I totally rock, yo!"

"Moving on... Reno, do you think there are any high points to being a Turk?"

"Yeah, the free booze... And the chicks totally dig the Turk suit, oh, and every time I go to the doctors, he always gives me a lollipop! You don't get that kind of treatment being a civilian I tell ya!"

"Ok-ay... Moving on... Again... Are there any downsides to this job?"

"Yeah, there's some downsides, like all the babies I have to kiss, and all the phone calls and letters and stories from fan-girls... Damn I hate those darn fan-girls, always wanting me to kiss that Yuffie chick... And that Tifa chick... And all the guys they want me to... Do things with... I tell ya, the next person that says 'yaoi' will be getting a visit from myself and Betty!"

"Erm... Is there anything you'd like to say to anybody?"

"Hell yeah! First, I'd like to say hi to my mum, my sixteen brothers and twelve sisters... That chick that lent me a cigarette on the train... That woman that was in my bed this morning... Erm... Oh! The pizza guy, you rock dude!"

"Well, that it for part one, join us for part two, after the break."

The title screen appears for a second, before the adverts start.

"You're watching the Shinra channel, all about Shinra, all the time, after Turk TV, we have 'Homemaking with Heidegger' followed by 'Rock with Rufus' and finally 'Porn with Palmer'. Stay Tuned." A female voice says.

"Do you get bored of your daily life? Doing the same thing, day in, day out. Want to visit new places around the world? Want to fight to protect your home? If so, join SOLDIER. Be the best." A deep voice says, while pictures of Soldiers helping out people play in the background.

"Like music? Like rock? Like Rufus? Join everybody's favorite Vice President as he talks to you, the viewer, about how much you like your brothers band, who nobodies ever heard of. Today at Ten."

"Just because your tough on the outside, and have a manly beard, doesn't mean that you can't like stitching, homemaking with Heidegger, after Turk TV, with special guest star Dr. Barett."

The Shinra logo comes up again, followed by the Turk TV logo.

"Welcome back to the second part of Turk TV, we're here with Reno and Rude, who are about to make a bust on what can be only described as a really, really bad man. Mr. Rude, what exactly has this man been doing?"

"He's a kiddy fiddler." The stoic man replied.

"You don't mean..."

"Yes, he steals kids fiddles..."

"Gasp! How despicable!"

"Yes, it is, what kind of world do we live in where we can't let our kids on the streets, for fear of their fiddles being stolen?" Reno asked, in an over-dramatic voice, he suddenly dropped to his knees and held his hands to the sky. "Why god why! Why do you let these kids have their fiddles taken! WHY!" He screamed, took a breath, and continued. "!"

"There, there man, it'll be ok, we'll get the bastard!" Rude said, and the two Turks stood up, swung their Electro-Mag-Rods into the air, and charged... In opposite directions... Rude stopped suddenly... "Um, Reno, that's the wrong way..."

So, with Reno turned around, the two Turks charged... Again... This time in the right direction...

A minute later, they had smashed down a door, and burst in, Bob the camera man, and the Mysterious voice ran into the house, when they got in, there was a fat man on the floor, who looked a lot like -...

"Don Corneo!" Rude shouted. "Where are those fiddles, you sick, sick man...?" The fat man burst into tears, which was a little difficult, considering his face was pinned down by a size twelve boot.

"Hey Rude, take a look at this!"

"Fiddles..." Rude said as he glanced at what Reno was holding.

"Your going down Corneo." Reno continued as Rude struggled to pick up the man and carry him outside, to a police car, he slammed him in the back, and wiped his gloved hands.

"Hey Rude, you ever notice how the cops cops always show up after somebody's already done the work?"

"It's one of life's great mystery's..."

"And so, we come to the end of another episode, join us next time, in Turk TV!" The annoying voice says, and the picture goes and the credit's roll.

Cueball's notes begin:

Ok, so you get two chapters in one go, you lucky, lucky people... Well... If anybody actually likes it, Madam Fluffy Pants (my beta reader) says she enjoyed it, but I think she was just being polite... Let me know what you guys think.

And no, I'm not like some writers, who'll only update when they reach a certain amount of reviews... Naming no names of-coarse, but I really hate those kind of people...

And people that use Japanese terms in their fics, like Chan, Kun, San, etc... That really annoys me...

Anyway, I'm not here to complain, just letting you guys know that life's hectic for me, exams, work, friends, sleep... They all get in the way, and it's rare that I even get to see a computer, let alone use one or the net, so the next update will probably be awhile, maybe this saturday...

As much as I dislike doing this, I've decided that this fic is going to follow the games timeline, starting just a little bit before the actual story and following it closely but not exactly, I'm changing a few things, to make the Turks look like the good guys. Told from different POVs, not just the cameras. Drama, horror, parody, humor and my sad attempt to mix them.

Pairings undecided, advice would be nice.

And remember, kiddy fiddling is not a joke... Stealing kids fiddles is a horrible thing, so I have set up a kiddy fiddling hotline and charity, send all your money to me, Cueball, and I will replace all of those poor kids, fiddles...

So yeah, next chapter, Avalanche attacks, Reno runs, Rude reads, Tseng twists, Elena enters, Bob bitches and Rufus rocks.