This I Shall Remember
The fifth and seventh years of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were busy celebrating the end of terms along with the rest of the school, though other years didn't enjoy it as much as them, mainly because only the fifth and seventh years have finished their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s exams respectively. They were currently relaxing the after-exam days with much gusto, especially a certain group of fifth years, though one of them was not really enjoying. He tried his best, however, to pacify his well-meaning friends.
Lily Evans took in all this as she observed the tall, messy-haired boy breakfasting a few seats away with his friends. Somewhere inside her a coil of guilt grabbed her heart. Ever since that eventful day, James Potter was somewhat… changed. He didn't used to tease her so much, but that always happens after a rejection. Give it another week, and he'll be back with his "Go out with me, Evans".
Shaking her head, she turned back to her plate, only to feel the eyes of her friend staring, burning a hole in her head. She lifted her eyes to regard the girl opposite her. "Something the matter, Alex?"
The brunette was looking at her with extremely curious eyes, almost as if she was X-raying Lily. In all her life, she had only seen one person who could do that, and he was the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore. Feeling uncomfortable with the stare, she opened her mouth to repeat her query, but Alex, or Alexandra, cut her off.
"You like him, don't you Lily?"
Ouch. That was blunt. Lily merely shrugged off-handedly, while her insides raged battle. She couldn't say yes, that would raise questions and teases; on the other hand, she couldn't say no, that would be a downright lie. So Lily settled for the middle: half-truth.
"I don't like him like that, Alex. But I don't hate him either. I just don't like the fact that he hexes other students, that's all. Besides, I'm a Prefect, remember?" She pointed at the shiny badge that adorned her chest. "If I act all soft, everyone is going to trample all over me." Not that a fair amount of people hadn't already, because of my lineage, she added silently in her head.
"Lupin is a Prefect," Alex retorted stubbornly, jerking her head towards the sandy-haired boy sitting opposite James.
"I know, Alex. But he is also their friend. It's understandable, while not entirely acceptable, that he would relax the rules for them," Lily explained patiently. "I don't hate him, Alex. I don't hold grudges. What's done is done. I'd sooner give him, as well as anyone else, the benefit of the doubt that they'd reformed, though it's kind of a bleak hope…"
Her friend smirked. "Yeah, like our Slytherin brothers and sisters. The day they reform will be the day Hippogriffs sing Christmas carols…"
"Watch it, Alex," the red-haired girl cautioned. "You don't want to go eating your words afterwards. Look at Slughorn! He isn't that bad."
"Oh yeah, only because you're so talented in Potions. Haven't you seen the way he treats the rest of us in class?" Alex rolled her blue eyes. "Seriously, Lily, all of them are prejudiced against one person or the other…"
"You mean, all of us, don't you? We, against the Slytherins? They probably hates us because we hate them…"
"Hah! They're only jealous of us cause we get everything they want! We hate them cause they hate us…"
"Which makes us guilty too!" Lily argued back. "In the end, we wouldn't know what the hell we spent so much time squabbling about, like the Montagues and the Capulets!"
Alex was baffled. Montague? Capulet? "Er… huh?"
Lily blushed slightly. "Muggle story. Romeo and Juliet, by Shakespeare. It's a play… never mind…" she trailed off distractedly.
Alex rolled her eyes again. "Why the hell are we talking about some… play? Where was I?" she mumbled incoherently under her breath, trying to recall their earlier conversation. "Hmph! Trust Lily Evans to break my perfect train of thought… Some friend you are, Lily… Oh yeah! Your crush."
"I have NOT got a crush, Alex!" Lily exclaimed hotly, her face getting redder. "It's just a figment of your imagination."
"Yeah, that's what you say, and it's never fooled me before," her friend muttered under her breath. "So where did the 'I won't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the Giant Squid' come from?" she asked, mimicking Lily's voice perfectly. "Or how about 'I'm surprised your broom can take off with that fat head on, Potter. You make me SICK!'"
Instead of flying into a temper that her friend was imitating her shamelessly, Lily merely dropped her head a little and regarded her half-eaten breakfast. "I was angry, Alex. I lost control. And he is the only one who'd never try to insult me, no matter what I do." After a moment's pause, she told Alex quietly, "I regretted it, but at the same time, I think he needed something to think about. He can't just go around being arrogant and showing off and hexing people! It's not right, to have fun at other people's expense. It's like the Slytherins, who insults me and my kind just to make themselves feel better. I know he is better than this."
"So…" Alex sucked in a breath before continuing cautiously, "You don't hate him for hexing Snape?"
"Of course not. I was angry with him, definitely. But I want to believe that everyone, including him, would be able to change for the better. I'm not that narrow-minded, Alex. Hot-headed, maybe, but not narrow-minded. I'm part of the discriminated, remember? We either try to help each other, or discriminate other discriminated people to convince ourselves of the illusionary power we don't wield, and I flatter myself that I am part of the former group."
Her brunette friend nodded absentmindedly. "Absolutely, Lily. You're great, you know that? To be able to control someone as infuriating as him. He's practically wrapped around your finger! He just doesn't want to show it, but I think, by now, everyone except himself, and you, knows that he's in love with you."
Lily snorted. "Yeah, yeah, whatever, Alex. If he is in love with me, he wouldn't purposely piss me off in front of everyone, and ask me to go out with him after he hexed someone. Geez, Alex, if he's your kind, take him." To which Alex smacked Lily playfully for her nonsense.
They didn't notice that he was listening to every word they said.
That evening, Lily was seated under the beech tree near the lake, reading a novel. She was having some time off to herself, away from Alex, away from the other Gryffindors, away from the rest of the students. Not that she didn't like them, but she needed some time alone once in a while. Many students were there that afternoon, but had slowly retired back to their dormitories in anticipation of the Leaving Feast that night. Lily was savouring her last moments of Hogwarts before her fifth year officially ended.
Footsteps were suddenly heard in the distance. Probably Hagrid, or some obscure student losing something in the grounds. She continued reading her book till a shadow fell across her. A voice cleared and greeted her nervously, "Hey… Evans."
"Potter," she returned curtly without raising her head, though neither hateful nor warm, just how she would address any other student at Hogwarts. She wondered what he could possibly want at this time of the day. She waited patiently for him to get on with whatever it was that he wanted, but he just rumpled his hair nervously and looked down at her glorious crown of red hair. Finally he asked hesitantly, "Is it all right if… if I call you Lily?"
Behind her curtain of red hair, Lily smiled a secret, knowing smile. Finally. "I thought you'd never ask," she responded, looking up at him, grinning widely. He looked glad at her answer. A broad, genuine smile lit up his face, one that Lily had never seen before, yet there was still a hint of nervousness and hesitation in his hazel eyes. Lily patted the ground beside her and told him, "Why don't you take a seat? If you want…"
James promptly plopped himself down, and regarded her for a long time. Lily tilted her head to her side and asked, "Yes, James? What is it?" He quickly shook his head, and, out of nervousness, rumpled his hair, and stammered slowly, "I… I just want to tell you that… I'm sorry for… whatever I've done… I just… err… well… I guess, yeah… I'm sorry… I'll stop whatever it was that you said was annoying and… well… Emm…"
His jittering was so uncommon and so cute that Lily couldn't help but giggle a little, causing James to look confusedly at her. This only intensified her giggling, and soon she was laughing out loud, though she tried and tried to keep it under control. James's face was getting redder by the second, possibly by embarrassment. What in the name of Merlin was Lily laughing about?
"I'm… I'm sorry…" Lily gasped out. "It's just that… you look so cute when you stutter… And…" she couldn't speak anymore as she collapse in another fit of giggling. James grinned awkwardly at the laughing redhead in front of him. Wow, she thinks I'm cute…
Lily's laughing finally subsided considerably and she sobered up a little. "Well, to be honest, I have to apologise too. I…"
"No no no. It doesn't work that way. Your accusations were based on facts. I do act arrogant and all that. I'll try to stop," James returned earnestly. Lily cut him off by saying, "No, James, I was wrong too. I shouldn't have shouted at you when you're just trying to 'defend my honour'. I'm sorry."
"Yeah well, you were right about my hair, my Snitch, and my hexing. But I… Am I really as bad as Snape?" he asked pitifully, dreading the answer.
Lily's heart went out to him at his gaze. "Well," she began with deliberation. "It's just like Snape calling me Mudblood," James tensed up at the term 'Mudblood', but Lily continued obliviously, "because I exist. I've done nothing wrong to him, yet he insults me because I exist. It's, well, the same as you cursing him cause he exists," she explained apologetically. "He's bitter towards you only because you made fun of his hair in first year. Now you two can't be in the same vicinity without getting hurt. I'm scared for you, James. You know he's into the Dark Arts. Lord knows what he might be capable of someday. Even if that didn't matter, why can't you give it a rest? It's stupid, really. One of you has got to stop."
James hung his head sadly. "I was a stupid little brat back then, Lily. I was only eleven… Well, I'm still arrogant… arrogant bullying toerag…" he mumbled dejectedly. Lily felt sorry for him and wanted to tell him that she didn't mean it, but James cut her off. "It's all right, Lily. I know I deserved it. Now… I'll just have to… make sure I stop hexing people… and stop showing off…"
In an attempt to cheer James up, Lily joked, "But you can keep your 'annoying habit of messing up your hair', though, so long as it isn't meant to remind everyone of your Quidditch success. I think everyone already knows that, thank you very much." She was very much gratified when she saw James's face crack into a wide smile that lit up her face as well.
"Hey, want to hear a joke?" he asked mischievously, already looking and talking a lot like his old self, minus the arrogance.
"Sure! So long as this has nothing to do with the Sirius-serious joke. It hasn't been funny since second year." Lily stuck her tongue out for emphasis, causing James to laugh out loud.
"Oh, no no no no…. This is a very good one. So you ready?" "Yep!"
"OK, so one day some Muggle man walked into a teashop and, cause the tearoom was full, he asked a Muggle woman if she minded him sitting with her. She said no and he sat down opposite him. So he goes 'Where did you come from?' and they discovered they were from the same town. Then he asked, 'Did you go to this high school over there?' and she said yeah and that she graduated in 1970, and he was surprised because so was he." James spoke with such gusto and amusement that Lily was already grinning broadly at the half-finished joke.
"So many coincidences? Must be a ploy to get them talking about old times till they exchange phone numbers or something, then find out that they're actually distant cousins or something," she guessed, grinning wickedly.
"Haha… but no. Here's the good part. She asked him if he remembers the math teacher, and he went like, 'Oh you mean Mrs. Hamilton? Yeah, of course! She was horrible.' And then, you'll never guess this. She looks all weird at him and said icily, 'That's my mom.'" James finished, and the both of them started to laugh. They were so bitten by the joke that they were wheezing for breath when they finally stopped laughing like maniacs.
"Oh my God… that was funny! 'That's my mom.' Right classic line! I bet if she was a witch he'd be blown over his head before he could blink!" Lily roared with tears in her eyes, a result of laughing too hard.
"Well, yeah, it would, wouldn't it?" James thought amusedly. Lily looked at him with her almond-shaped emerald eyes. "I like you, James.This you. Why can't you be like that always?" she asked him sincerely.
James snorted. "Cause Sirius will have my head, of course," he answered jokingly, but grew serious and said, "Well, the real reason is cause… well… I don't know how to act around you. I… just feel so nervous…"
"…That you cover it up by hexing other people or showing off?" she anticipated. When James nodded (surprisingly), she answered exasperatedly, "James, it's OK to feel nervous. You don't have to be ashamed of it. Everyone gets nervous spells. Everyone! You don't have to live up to the expectations of being the confident, smart, perfect James Potter if you don't choose to, you know. Be yourself. That's what I like about you. I like the real you. The James Potter that's more human, not some goddamn perfect person. I'm not looking for perfect, which would be so boring, trust me. I want someone who's able to feel like others do."
"So…" James hesitated, just in case he earned himself a smack, but Lily's rising eyebrows prompted him to continue. "Does this mean that… that when you say you… won't go out with me…" he spoke these words with great difficulty, as if it were hard to do. "Do you mean… only my annoying façade?" Lily nodded.
Slightly heartened by the fact that he wasn't being whacked by Lily, he continued, "And if I… if it was the real me… would you… accept me?"
Lily thought hard. For the past few years, James hadn't exactly given her reason to like him, much less go out with him, but now that he put it that way… so simple, yet so complicating as well… would she ever accept him? "Maybe. That'll depend on who you really are, isn't it?" she said simply.
James nodded in agreement. "I'll prove it to you." However, Lily shook her head. "No, James, not just to me. You have to shed this charade that you've been keeping up. You need to show your humane side to everyone. And that includes the Slytherins."
"What? Why?" James exclaimed, stunned at Lily's answer. The Slytherins too? "I haven't got to prove anything to them!"
Lily shook her head again. "James, you've got to stop hexing others unless it's in self-defence. We're here to learn to use magic, and also to control it. Your power must be exercised with caution and responsibility. You don't want to end up in Azkaban, do you? But, it's nothing to do with Azkaban, really, it's all about doing what's right."
"I suppose…" he replied doubtfully. "But still, knowing them, something foul." Then, catching Lily's look, he placed his right palm over his heart and swore mock solemnly, "I, James Potter, do hereby swear that I would stop my annoying habit of hexing innocent bystanders. However," he continued, growing really serious, "if the enemy starts the fight, I will finish it, to defend my honour, and save myself. Does the fair maiden agree?"
She agreed, but told him that she would not hold him to that, just in case, and they sat around laughing at James's absurdity of swearing an oath when he'd probably take ages to curb his habit. Only when the sun set did they realise that it was late, and if they didn't hurry they might miss the Leaving Feast… and the announcement of the House Cup winner.
The Gryffindor Common Room was turned upside down as the Gryffindors celebrate their fifth victory in a row, and the fourth double victory in a row, as raucously as possible. The party was, of course, courtesy of the Marauders, who, every year, disappear down to the kitchens, and Honeydukes, and came back with arms laden with sweets, food, and Butterbeers. Someone managed to procure a Wizarding Wireless Network, and the loud music was blasting, resonating throughout the room, where the armchairs disappeared mysteriously, and people were dancing energetically to the beat of the funky music.
Lily sat in a corner quietly, watching as Alex switched dancing partners with a speed to rival Sirius Black, which was saying something. She sometimes wondered why Alex and Sirius didn't get together, but then she thought that it was probably because they were both free spirits. Disliking the loud noise that was hurting her eardrums, she was a little apart from the rest of the crowd, beside the window, where she looked out, staring at the sky dotted with brilliant stars. They seemed to wink down at her, participating in her House's victory.
Here she was, looking peacefully at the night sky, when she heard someone quite near at hand shout, "Watch out!" Turning quickly, and not a moment too soon, she saw someone crashing towards her at a speed so fast that she only barely managed to extend her arms and break the person's fall.
"Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry, someone pushed me and I just stumbled…" a voice, a very familiar voice, one she would know anywhere, muttered his apologies as he tried to stand up properly. Her breath caught in her throat as he did and came face to face with the one and only James Potter.
Damn destiny.
And damn the fact that his face was mere inches away from hers.
James, noticing her glorious crown of red hair, was startled and looked at her face to make sure. He was immediately lost in her eyes, which at the moment was so full of emotion that it sparkled with life. Hesitantly, he moved in, willing her to let him do what he'd always wanted to, but was too ashamed to admit, because admitting it would mean to admit that he'd fallen in love with the beautiful girl in his arms. Right now, though, right now he couldn't care less, as he slowly caressed Lily's blushing cheeks, guiding her lips to meet his. He couldn't think straight, or his common sense would tell him to pull away before she hexed him, or worse, before he fell hard for her. But it was too late. He'd already fallen too deep before he knew it.
Her green eyes saw his hesitation, but also his need of her, reflected deeply in his hazel orbs. If she had been growing weak in the knees because of his mere presence, his pleading eyes did the rest. She was dazed, completely numb, as she let herself be drawn nearer and nearer to James. Intoxicated by the moment, she closed her eyes and waited anxiously for the moment she's been trying to deny over the past years, deny so that she won't be considered as 'shallow' as his 'fans'.
They kissed.
It was a slow kiss, yet so full of passion that both were surprised, but pleasantly so. They kissed like a young bride and groom, searching, exploring for the something that they lacked, but only just. And there, in that one kiss, they found themselves, and the missing piece. They found love. They weren't in love, but they loved each other, and they always had, but it just became clear just how much they did.
Strange how a simple kiss turned into a soul-search.
James easily backed Lily up against the cold stone wall behind her, wrapping her into a strong embrace, pressing her against him. She stifled a groan at the physical contact and let her hands settle over his front, lingering there for moments, before moving them upwards to twine around his neck. She couldn't resist the urge to run her hands through his messy jet-black hair, feeling it oh-so-silky under her palm. Tilting her head slightly, she pulled James closer, deepening the kiss, wanting him desperately, as he did her.
The chaotic party was forgotten as they hid there in that dark nook, kissing like there was no tomorrow. There didn't even questioned what they were doing. It just felt right, locked in a tight embrace and kissing that someone fate had thrown in their way. And that someone that they loved all along, though not knowing that love until now, when it was triggered by the simplest action.
James broke the kiss first, but was unwilling to let that magical moment end. Slowly, he planted soft, gentle kisses on Lily's jaw line and her cheek, making a trail of fire all the way to her earlobe, which he nibbled playfully, then moving downwards, attacking her neck with sweet, passionate kisses that had Lily gasping with sheer pleasure. She arched her neck, letting him kiss every inch of it. James obliged happily, before breaking away ever so slightly, though keeping Lily locked in his arms. They opened their eyes for the first time since their lips met, and they saw the same want reflected in each other's eyes. Breathing heavily, James traced a finger down Lily's jaw, while staring straight into her eyes. She returned that gaze, letting her hands drop to his waist, before reality crashed down on her once more. What just happened? She covered her mouth with one hand and said in wonder, "Oh my God… oh my God…"
"Lily…" James's voice interrupted her confusion. He gently guided her hand away and started caressing her face. "Did you really mean that kiss? Tell me…" he asked seriously, as his roving hand settled at the back of her neck, sending involuntary shivers down her spine. She tried to think, but it was damn near impossible with his breath tickling her face. Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves that was wrecking massive havoc on her, she managed to stammer out a breathless "I do". James's face split into a huge grin, and he closed the distance between them, only pausing long enough to tell her, "I'm glad, because I do too."
Lily eagerly welcomed his lips on hers, kissing him back with every fibre of her being. They were in such a height of euphoria that, had it not been for a loud crash of someone falling down from his table dancing (Sirius, of course, who else?), they might be at it forever, if they could. As it was, Sirius's crash saved them from anyone discovering the pair hidden in the dark. They broke the kiss simultaneously and directed their gazes on the crowd gathering around the too enthusiastic youth, who was busy assuring his groupies that he was all right. They turned back to look at each other once more, grinning at ol' Sirius's antics.
"I'm glad, Lily," James repeated smiling down at her with a sincerity that she absolutely adored. "Why can't you be like that always?" he echoed her question mere hours ago. Lily contemplated for a moment before stealing a kiss on his neck, embracing him once again, and answering, "Because you never give me the chance to. You just had to be the immature prat."
"Will you go out with me now, Lily?" James asked as he buried his nose in her deep red hair, inhaling her comforting scent. Say yes, please, say yes….
Lily desperately wanted to accept the offer, which was getting more and more tempting every time. She had to restraint herself from giving in completely every time, but this time, it was especially hard to, there in his warm embrace, which she never wanted to let go. "I can't James. Not at the moment, anyway," she answered finally in a small voice.
Undaunted, James demanded, "Why? You don't have a boyfriend, do you? What do I need to do to prove myself further? Tell me, Lily, and I'll do it for you. I swear."
"No… I don't have a boyfriend," she chuckled half-heartedly. "I wouldn't have kissed you if I did. It's just… well, you can't just go around hexing people… and you shouldn't show off too much, you know… Maybe… maybe I will if you can stop those. I don't mind pranks actually. I think they're real fun, so long as they don't hurt anyone…"
James was silent for a long time. He'd promised himself… and her… that he would change, earlier in the day, hadn't he? Now, here was an added bonus to his reforming. Besides, he wasn't able to suppress his want of her anymore. After that perfectly beautiful kiss… he wasn't sure if he could ever accept any other girls anymore. Lily was all he wanted, and she was going to be his.
Breaking a little from the embrace, he told her, "You have my word." Then, he couldn't resist adding, "I wish I could kiss you like this everyday, though. Can't I, Lily? Please?"
Lily smiled. "You don't know how much I want to say yes, James." "Well then, say yes!" he answered back, mock scandalised. She shook her head, however. "When we're going out, James. I promise."
James sighed in defeat, but clung to his last hope. "How about… now?"
And without waiting for her answer, he leant down to nuzzle her neck, covering it with sensual kisses until Lily surrendered to him, drunk with pleasure. Moving up to claim her lips, he heard her whisper, "Maybe just for tonight, James, just tonight…" He smiled secretly, as their lips met. This I shall remember till my dying day…
– Finis –