Yeah I haven't updated in a while. Very traumatic story, you see one day my keyboard stopped working, I tried everything I could think of starting with sitting there stupidly tapping at that keys thinking the words would reappear a few minutes later, to smashing the keys with the palms of my hands, to pressing random buttons on the computer-rectiangularish prism thing with where all the circular button things are. Which didn't work so good considering the whole freaking computer screen went blank. And one day I was turning on the computer and saw the words 'Keyboard unplugged' flash on the screen in one of the rows of random numbers and stuff. So from there I concluded, 'Aha, the keyboards unplugged' and climbed under the desk to replug the computer, nearly endangering my life but anyways, long story short the keyboard's now plugged and I'm never going near anything with confusing plugs and wires sticking out of it ever again. Ever. Everevereverever. Anyhow, the story's here.

Guess where I am?

Rory Gilmore's front lawn.

Very nice clean lawn it is. And as I'm lying here with a facefull of it in my mouth, I've never been for thankful for that fact.

"Rory?" a faint voice in the background, drifting through my head, "Do I need to have my sanity checked or is Paris lying on our lawn?"

"Both." Rory's voice this time.

Ooo… migraine… big, big migraine…. Matthew-McConahey-playing-bongos-in-my-skull-type, big migraine…

As Rory and her mother argued a while over whether or not insane clincs and green rooms are really actually green inside, I attempted to figure out how the hell I ended up here, on Rory Gilmore's front lawn. Might as well have tried to chop vegetables in my sleep. My memory was completely stringy.

I tried to lift my head, taking in the lovely… yet vaguely disturbing crunchiness of the lawn. Clean as it is, I don't think grass is supposed to crunch.

"She's drunk." Lorelai again.

"She is not drunk!" Rory.

"Hey I know a drunkie when I see one, and sorry to say so, but Sergeant Sarah Brown here is drunk."

"But Paris doesn't get drunk."

"Sweetie, when you're passed out facedown on a stranger's front lawn and doing nothing about your Jimmy Choos lying miserably in the middle of the street, it means you're either Courtney Love, or drunk."

"But Courtney Love is drunk."

"My point is proven."

After that everything went kind of black. At first I thought I was dead. Which sucked because my whole life didn't even flash before my eyes like it's supposed to when you die. But I woke up a while later. With a Weird Al disco ball hanging over my head

Evil Al.

Ow… migraine, migraine.

Rory and her mom were secretively poking their heads in. Thinking they were being cunning. But of course, I could hear every word they were saying.

"Is she awake?"

"Of course. I fed her coffee."

"You mean you forced her jaw open and spilled coffee all over her face."

"Minor detail. Either way the elixir of life is working the magic."

My memory was coming back at least. In bits and pieces and pieces and bits.

Jamie. I remember Jamie. His house. His really ugly house. But I didn't say anything insulting. Not even when he showed me that horrendous orchid wallpaper. Nope, not a word. Okay, maybe a few words. But only a few. And 'it looks like a rainbow threw up on it' hardly qualifies as insulting.

The kissing. I remember kissing. Lots of kissing…nice, nicekissing… Ah! No Paris! Focus! … Then what? Champagne. There was champagne. The weird, weird, tasting champagne.

Wait a second…

"That bastard drugged me!" I screamed suddenly, sitting up.

There was a clang as Rory and her mom dropped the coffee pot in surprise

"We give her too much?"

"Eighteen bags hardly qualifies as too much," Lorelai dismissed.

Roar. Angry. Jamie. I am going to run over and bash his head in-- Ow, ow… okay. As soon as this hangover passes, I'm running over and bashing his head in.

Or not. Because at that moment a very large very heavy circular object came crashing down on my head.

Ow…

"I told you not to put up that disco ball." Rory.

"But it's so pretty!" Lorelai.

"It's not pretty!"

"How is it not pretty?"

"Weird Al's face is plastered on the bottom."

"Hm. I never noticed that before…."

"We call it the Weird Al disco ball, how did you not notice?"

I couldn't hear anymore after that. Because for the third time that day, everything went black. And for the third time that day, my life didn't flash before my eyes. I'm going to have to call the folks who filmed American Beauty and correct them on that.

OOOOOOOOOO

The next day I couldn't find Jamie anywhere. My suspicions of foul play were confirmed however, when I found him ducking into the janitor's closet as I approached. Or rather stomped.

I grabbed his arm and slammed him against the locker, "You. Talk. Now."

"Paris…"

"You got me drunk!"

"Yes, I know. I know, but—

"You drugged me! You drugged me! You drugged me!"

There's only so many ways to say you drugged me.

"What?" A look of bewilderment crossed his face, "I didn't… drug you. I gave you wine. Because I thought that was the romantic type of thing guys normally do… but then you started downing glass after glass and by the thirty-fourth one you were beginning to call me Adrian Cronauer and screaming lines from Good Morning Vietnam--

"So why didn't you stop me you meretricious dolt? I was intoxicating my vital stomach organs with alchoholic substances and you just stand there gawking? I am not Paris Hilton-- I don't dance on coffee tables in my states of subconscious insanity!"

"Well… you're scary---er. Scarier, " he emphasized quickly when he saw my hands twitch and my eyes fall to his throat, "-when you're drunk. And you threatened to break off my fingers if I didn't hand you the wine."

I took in this information.

Drinking champagne. Lots and lots of champagne. That much I remember.

Nerves. I was nervous. I remember that too.

"More?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Just give me the bottle, bucko!"

I winced at the memory. Okay. So I was a little tipsy. And scary. Just a little.

"But it tasted funny."

"It's champagne."

"Well then champagne tastes like crap. And the high society folks of England 1800 are making a big deal out of nothing. A thousand dollar bottle of crap is still a bottle of crap," I was calming down now. Then I began swelling up all over again, "You dumped me on Rory Gilmore's front lawn! You dumped me on her front lawn to die!"

He looked bewildered. And uneasy, "I-uh… you told me Stars Hallow was your second home."

"What? How dare you! I was in a state of delium! And I am not a hill billy!"

"Y-You… P-Paris.. I-I can't talk w-ith your h-ands around m-my neck li-ke t-that."

"I can't believe it!"

"P-Paris..? Neck… Can't breathe…"

"You manipulator!"

"P-Purple… I'm turning purple, Paris."

I let go out him, "What other late development didn't I know about?"

He gulped and rubbed his neck, "Um…"

"Well…?"

"Um, well… we, uh, had intimate, uh, of or relating to the body contact, and, uh, an interval of time having a specifed length or characterized by, um, certain condition or events involving or relating to the … uh, biological reproduction organs."

… What?

"What?"

He shifted nervously, "Wait. For it to set in. Then, come find me. Or no! No! Don't come find me. I mean, or come find me. And if you can't find me, it's not because I'm hiding from you. Nope, not at all. Not hiding from you at all. Okay got to run."

He took off.

And yes, it took a while to set in. But…

"We had sex," I finally figured it out. And screamed. And screamed. And screamed.

I had sex with Jamie. In his room. With the orchid wallpaper and his Sound of Music poster watching over us. Oh god, Julie Andrews watched me have sex. Julie freaking Andrews. Didn't she play a nun in that movie? A nun. Granted, she was an ex-nun but nevertheless that is not how I pictured my first time. In fact, if I had pictured it, it would probably have involved the end of the world arriving and the entire human existence blown to pieces as my sex life suddenly caused a huge imbalance to the human race seeing it's inconceivable for Paris Gellar to have sex, and once the impossible is possible, the entire world comes to a screeching halt. Just look what happened when Regis and Kelly split. Bam, whole world, or at least the entire ABC network, breaks into chaos.

Holy Mary Mother of God this just keeps getting worse and worse.

Pretty weak chapter, yes. But I was trying to connect some the events together so it's not too good. Gets better in the next chapter.