Prequel: Who's In My Underwear Drawer?
Author: Taulaes
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or any of the associated characters. I'm not George Lucas and I don't make any money from this fanfic. I also don't own any of the food jingles and/or songs and/or slogans mentioned or sung by Obi-Wan.
NOTE: You may want to read "Who's In My Underwear Drawer?" before reading this. This will still makes sense if you don't, though.
+ The rising sun shone on Coruscant and through the window of the quarters belonging to a Jedi Master and his Padawan Learner. Although these quarters belonged to those two, and no one else hardly ever stayed there, sleeping in the Padawan's underwear drawer was something that looked like a miniature green troll. The mini green troll, actually, was a very powerful Jedi Master, one that was older than all the other Jedi in the Temple; it was Yoda. Because of renovations being done to his room, Yoda couldn't stay there. Late the night before, he had been out drinking, and when he desired to return home, Yoda couldn't find his rooms, had no keys, and remembered the renovations, so he wandered the halls and found and an unlocked door.
This door belonged to the quarters that belong to the previously mentioned Jedi Master and Padawan Learner, who hardly ever have anyone else stay over. In a bed not far from the drawer in which Yoda slept, was the Padawan. He was fifteen years old, and if he wasn't training to be a Jedi Knight, he would be in the kitchens cooking, due to his great talent at the stove. Partially for that reason, the Padawan would be cooking all meals for two weeks. The other part of the reason was for punishment for not coming home on time and for not having enough backbone to see what was snoring. Those were the reasons why the Padawan Learner, Obi-Wan Kenobi, had to cook all the meals for two weeks.
This punishment was administered by the Jedi Master, who slept in the next room over. He knew the punishment wasn't too harsh for his Piton. Obi-Wan loved cooking. Now, because of that fact, Qui-Gon Jinn would get out of having to cook for two weeks.
Back over in the other room, Yoda woke up. He had a massive headache caused by a hangover. The old Jedi Master knew that he needed some hangover food, like pancakes. Yoda managed to drag himself out of the underwear drawer he was sleeping in and crawl over the bed, in which Obi-Wan was sleeping. Using the Force, Yoda jumped up near the ceiling and flipped onto Obi-Wan's bed. Due to his hangover, Yoda miscalculated a bit, and instead of land on the foot of the bed, he landed on Obi-Wan's stomach. "Sith spit!" the Piton yelled, "What was that?"
"Quiet, you shall be. Hungry, am I. Cook for me, you must. Make pancakes, will you?" Yoda asked in his backwards talking.
"Qui-Gon! Are you awake?" Obi-Wan yelled to his Master.
At this rate, Qui-Gon would never make up for the lack of sleep caused by his Piton. It always seemed that right as he fell asleep, Obi-Wan would wake him. Slowly, the Jedi Master got to his feet and walked to his Padawan's room. "Obi-Wan, must I go over this with you again?" Qui-Gon asked, "If you wake up by your own doing, then I didn't wake you. If I didn't wake you, then I am still asleep."
"Yeah, but I didn't wake up by my own doing! It was the mini troll's fault. He jumped on my stomach! I thought maybe you had something to do with this, Master. Seeing how you always are planning things; especially when I've done something bad like not get back on time," Obi-Wan said.
"Piton, you've already been punished for that. Now, please, just make some breakfast," Qui-Gon sighed.
Obi-Wan glared at no one in particular and sighed. "Good for headaches, coffee is. Some for me, you will make," Yoda commanded.
"Yes, Padawan. Some coffee, make for me you will, also," Qui-Gon said in a mock-Yoda voice.
The young Piton slowly got out of bed, stayed in his sleep clothes, and walked out to the kitchen to make coffee. Still half asleep, he went to the cupboard and grabbed the canister of coffee. "Mmm... Folger's," Obi-Wan mumbled.
Back in Obi-Wan's room, Qui-Gon and Yoda were talking. By looking at them you would guess that it was a very serious conversation. It was a very serious conversation, but not about a very serious topic. "In an oven once, two muffins were. Turned to the other, one did, 'Hot in here, it is,' said it. An odd look, the other muffin gave to the first. Yelled, 'A talking muffin, there is!'" Yoda told the joke to Qui-Gon.
"Did the muffins actually talk like that? Or did they talk normally?" asked Qui-Gon
"Normal, that is! Weirdly so you, your Piton and every one else except Yaddle, speak! Normal Yaddle, and I speak," Yoda explained.
"If you insist..." Qui-Gon trailed off.
The two Jedi Masters heard a singsong voice coming from the direction of the kitchen. "The best part of waking up, is Folger's in your cuuuuup!" the voice said.
Qui-Gon covered his face with his hands and shook his head. "Let's go to the kitchen before Obi-Wan decides that the best part of waking up is setting the stove on fire," Qui-Gon said with an exasperated sigh.
Upon arrival in the kitchen, absent-mindedly, Qui-Gon said, "If you didn't have a hangover, Yoda, and needed hangover food, I'd want some muffins. That joke made me crave muffins."
That being said, Obi-Wan dropped the spoon he was using to stir some coffee. A shocked looked crept onto his face. He tried to speak, but almost choked on his own spit. Obi-Wan recovered, and stammered on a few words before yelling out, "GAH! You are pregnant! Pregnant women have cravings; you're craving muffins. Normally, you don't eat muffins. I've never seen you eat a muffin! You are pregnant! Oh, how many times will you lie to me? Yoda! Did you know this? Yeah, Qui-Gon's pregnant. Who will be my Master when he's thrown out of the Jedi Order for going just a little too far in disobeying the Council? Don't let the Council agree to kick Qui-Gon out on the streets, Yoda! Where would he go? What would he do? Let him stay! Let me stay too! I can help take care of the baby. Back when I was an initiate, and didn't have to go around making food for two weeks, I spent time with the really young initiates. You know, the babies who were orphaned and/or left on the Temple steps. I was great with them. I'd be better with Qui-Gon's baby because me and it would be practically siblings. Or I'd be it's uncle. I haven't quite decided yet. Just let us both stay"
Master Qui-Gon Jinn grabbed his Piton my the shoulders and look him straight in the eyes. "Listen to me Obi-Wan. I am not pregnant. There is a reason for why I am craving muffins. Just listen to me," Qui-Gon said and saw Obi-Wan nod, "Once there were two muffins in an oven. One muffin turned to the other and said, 'It's hot in here!' The other one said, 'By the Force! A talking muffin!' It's a joke, Obi-Wan. That's it."
The Piton Learner looked thoughtful for a short while and said, "Mmm... Yeah, I do want a muffin now."
"You're craving a muffin, Obi-Wan. And are you pregnant?" asked Qui-Gon.
"No, I'm not," Obi-Wan said.
"See, Piton, some one can crave things and not be pregnant," Qui-Gon said.
"Break up this moment, I must. For hungry, am I. Pancakes, have, I must. Muffin joke, never told, should I of," Yoda said, shaking his head.
The miniature green troll grabbed some coffee and waddled into the dining area. Qui-Gon shrugged, grabbed the other cup of coffee, and followed. Once both were sitting down, Yoda said, "Odd, your Piton is. Get it from you, I think he does."
"He was odd when I accepted him as a Piton. I think oddness has been bred into him. I think it runs in his blood. I'm not odd. I'm normal. He definitely doesn't get it from me," Qui-Gon protested.
"Normal, neither, are you. Pregnant, not really, are you? Kicked out, if so, by the Jedi Council, you would be. A great loss for the Jedi, that would be," Yoda said grimly.
"Yoda, you've known me since I arrived at the Temple. Of all the memories the Force has imprinted on my mind, there is one that everyone else probably remembers too. It was when I was seven and believed that clothes were Sith inventions; I ran around naked for two months. That should prove that I am not a woman," Qui-Gon said.
"See! See! Odd, you are! But, pregnant, you could not be. Of those two months, holo-pictures, I do have. Blackmail possibilities, there are," Yoda grinned.
Qui-Gon began to protest; wanting to say that he always thought that the use of blackmail was against the Jedi Code. He would have said it too, if it wasn't for a voice coming from the kitchen again. "Good morning, Oranges. How are you today? Today is the day that you get made into orange juice. The juice from your citrusy innards will help lower our cholesterol. Your deaths will not have been in vain, because you will be helping others. There is not a more noble cause."
"Obi-Wan Kenobi! Are you talking to fruit again?" asked Qui-Gon.
"Umm... Yes?" the Piton responded.
Yoda looked at Qui-Gon and raised a questioning eyebrow. "Talk to fruit often, does your Piton?" he asked.
"Well, last year we got some red apples as a thank you from some farmers when we helped them, while on a mission on Dantooine. Obi-Wan immediately started to eat some of the apples. But then he started, actually looking at them before he gorged on them. One of those such apples had green spots on it; the spots looked like a face. I don't know if it's actually true, but Obi-Wan claimed that the apple started talking to him. So, he talked back to it. He named the apple 'Appy'. They apparently became great friends. Obi-Wan couldn't stand the thought of eating one of his friends, so Appy stayed with us the remainder of the mission. When it was time to leave Dantooine, my Piton wouldn't leave the apple behind, so he came with us. Appy didn't go bad for a few months, but Obi-Wan was very sad when I told him that Appy was way past his expiration date and has to be thrown out. Obi-Wan was shocked and said that you can't just throw the body of one of your friends away. We had to give him a proper burial. Of course, the only place on Coruscant that has proper ground to dig into is in the Meditation Gardens in the Temple. That's why there's a start of an apple tree there; it's going to bear the offspring of Appy," Qui-Gon explained.
"Like to eat apples, I do," Yoda commented.
"Don't let Obi-Wan hear you say that. He may pitch a fit. After the whole Appy incident, my Piton has been rather protective to apples. Me? I love to eat apples, but every time I try to eat one, Obi-Wan yells out, 'MURDERER!'. Which, trust me, gets very annoying," Qui-Gon said.
Obi-Wan entered the dinning area with a platter of food and drinks. "For the aspiring alcoholic, some orange juice and pancakes," --- Obi-Wan set the food and drink in front of Yoda--- "And for the not pregnant guy, some orange juice and some muffins," --- Obi-Wan set the food and drink in front of Qui-Gon--- "And for the master chef, a combo of both," Obi-Wan said.
Quietly, the three ate their breakfasts. Soon, everyone was finished. "Tasteful, amazingly, those pancakes were," Yoda commented.
"I know," Obi-Wan said 'modestly', "And because I made the meal, I don't have to do the dishes! And Yoda is our guest, sort of... We can't have a guest doing our dishes! Do you know what that means, Master? You have to do the dishes. Grand, isn't it?"
Qui-Gon rolled his eyes and replied sarcastically, "Oh, yes. Extremely grand. Keep your gloating up, Padawan, and you'll have another punishment."
That comment quieted Obi-Wan. Yoda explained that he had to leave and do Jedi Council things, but would return that night for dinner. The old Jedi Master also said that his headache was better. This was all said in Yoda's strange backward language, of course. After Yoda left, over his comm-link, Qui-Gon received a message that he was needed at a speeder garage at the coordinates 48N, 15W, Sector 16. A group of twenty-three intergalactic biker thugs, had come and stolen forty-two speeder parts that were each worth one hundred-eight credits. Only Qui-Gon was needed, so Obi-Wan had to stay behind.
His Master quickly closed the door behind himself. Obi-Wan sat at the dirty dish covered table and pouted. He had made the meal! It was a spoken, but unwritten, rule that who ever made the meal didn't have to do the dishes. Qui-Gon would be exceptionally mad, though, if he came home to see that there was dried bits of food stuck on the dishes and he had to wash them.
It was hours before Qui-Gon returned, just in time for lunch. Obi-Wan had not only washed the dishes, but he had vacuumed the apartment and dusted the shelves. He was also already making lunch. "Padawan, you surprise me," Qui-Gon was shocked, "You cleaned the apartment. Why?"
"I was bored," was the reply, "Now, go sit down. Lunch is almost done."
Qui-Gon was ushered into the dinning area by his Padawan, who then ran back into the kitchen. The Jedi Master picked up a book that was on the table; it was the one Obi-Wan had been reading. "'How to Stay Sane if You Have to Deal With Mini Green Trolls for Prolonged Amounts of Time'," Qui-Gon mumbled, "Probably a helpful book. Really long title though."
A strong soprano voice rang from the kitchen. "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener! That is was I'd truly love to be! For, if I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener. Everyone would be in love, everyone would be in love, everyone would be in love with me!"
Obi-Wan walked into the dinning area with a plate full of hot-dogs and hot-dog rolls. He was humming the tune he had just been singing. "Obi-Wan? Can I ask you a question?" Qui-Gon asked, "How do you sing that high?"
After setting the plate down, Obi-Wan said, "It's a gift, I suppose. Or maybe it has something to do with helium."
Qui-Gon gave his Padawan a stern look. "But, of course, I haven't been inhaling helium again. I know better now," Obi-Wan quickly added, "Well, I'm not quite done with the meal yet. There's still more to be done in the kitchen."
The Padawan gave a quick smile and dashed off into the kitchen. For a short while, it was quiet, but that never lasts for long. "Beans, beans, the magical fruit. The more you eat the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel. And then, you're ready for another meal!" Obi-Wan could be heard from the kitchen, "Beans, beans, those horrible things. They blew a hole in my brand new jeans."
Into the dinning area, Obi-Wan came with a small sauce pan filled with beans. That was set on a potholder on the table. "And now," Obi-Wan said, "We eat."
And ate they did. Qui-Gon ate like a civil, respectable person. Obi-Wan, on the other hand, ate like he was a wolf who hadn't seen food for weeks. This caused his Master to glare at him. The Padawan noticed the glare and tried to eat like a sane person.
Soon, they were finished eating. Obi-Wan had a slight, triumphant grin on his face. "What's with the face? It is happy, yet still disturbing," Qui-Gon stated.
"You have to do dishes! I made the meal! What a glorious day. And there's no chance that you'll get called away to another emergency that only requires your expertise," Obi-Wan grinned.
But, alas! Obi-Wan spoke too soon! For right as his finished his statement, Qui-Gon's comm-link beeped. Excusing himself from the table, he answered it. Patiently, Obi-wan waited for his Master to be finished. In a short time, Qui-Gon returned. "I'm sorry, Padawan, but I am needed once more. And only I am needed. You can stay here and clean some more," the Jedi Master stated.
Quickly, he sprinted out the door. Angrily, Obi-Wan glared at the dishes. He regretted purposely dirtying more dishes than necessary. Of course, he had done that when he had believed that Qui-Gon was going to wash the dishes. He wondered what, exactly, had happened that only would need Qui-Gon's help.
It was past dark and nearly dinner time when Qui-Gon returned. Upon his arrival, Yoda also walked through the door. The younger of the two Jedi Masters noticed that the dishes were, once again, done for him. "Obi-Wan, where are you?" Qui-Gon asked.
"I'm on the Holonet," he replied.
"What, on the Holonet, are you doing? Punished, I though you were," Yoda commented.
"I am being punished. I just wasn't grounded from the Holonet. I have to make the meals for two weeks. That's it," the Padawan stated, "Qui-Gon, come see what I've done."
The Jedi Masters walked over to where Obi-Wan was sitting. "Look! I've designed a Holopage," Obi-Wan pointed.
Projected onto a screen, was a Holopage with picture of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan looked to be full of life, while Qui-Gon seemed to be lacking emotions. There was a heading above the picture. It read, 'Qui-Gon. An Emotionless Zombie?' The title of the Holopage was 'The Temple Enquirer'.
"I'm deleting this! Go make dinner! NOW!" Qui-Gon yelled.
The Padawan shrugged and skipped off to the kitchen. It wasn't before long, that singing was once more heard from there. "My bologna has a first name. It's O-s-c-a-r! My bologna has a second name it's M-a-y-e-r! Oh, I love to eat it every day. And if you ask me why, I'd say! That Oscar Mayer has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a!"
"Make something decent! I do NOT want a bologna sandwich for dinner!" Qui-Gon roared.
"Make meals, only was your Padawan asked. Never instructed, you want is what he makes," Yoda interjected.
From the kitchen, Obi-Wan yelled, "Okay! What do you want me to make, then?"
"And even tough that was not part of the punishment, Yoda, Obi-Wan still offers. It's almost like he's punishing himself," Qui-Gon then yelled to Obi-Wan, "I think I'd like a steak."
Mumbling could be heard from the kitchen. It sounded almost like , 'Beef. It's what's for dinner'. There were other mumblings that seemed like calculations. "Roughly, it will be ready in forty-five minutes," Obi-Wan stated.
Sounds that are normal for a kitchen being cooked in came from, none other than, the kitchen. Qui-Gon and Yoda paid no attention to those noises and carried on a civilized conversation. Thirty-five minutes had passed, Obi-Wan hadn't even done as much as to poke his head around the door frame to see what Qui-Gon and Yoda were doing or saying. "Thanks for getting me out of dishes that second time," Qui-Gon whispered.
"A problem, it is not. Choosing colors, to have help with, I was happy. Done, when the renovations are, look nice, my home will," Yoda smiled.
The two heard a crash that sounded like glass on floor. In the doorway, Obi-Wan was standing with a shocked look on his face, and a few broken plates by his feet. "The special emergency was looking at icolor samples/I? And that took six hours? I can't believe it! I'm going back into the kitchen," Obi-Wan stormed off.
Quiet pursued for another fifteen minutes. Obi-Wan then walked into the dinning area with plates, platters, bowls, and glasses Force-levitated following behind him. Slowly, he lowered everything on to the table. "There's the steak. I also made a Caesar salad. There's croutons in it. Southern style biscuits are over there," Obi-Wan didn't even look at Qui-Gon.
Except for the chewing of food, there was total silence. Although, Obi-Wan ate slower than he had at lunch, he was the first finished. Still quietly, he grabbed his dishes and put them by the sink in the kitchen. Qui-Gon was the next finished and went to talk to his Padawan. "Obi-Wan, I'm sorry that I had to deceive you. I thought washing the dishes when you thought I was going to would be good for you. After all, you were gloating about not doing dishes way too much," he said when he found Obi-Wan.
After a short silence, Obi-Wan totally ignored what his Master had said, "You know what I realized?"
The Jedi Master shook his head. "Only thirty-nine meals left for me to make."
"Unless you count dessert," Qui-Gon added.
"Oh, no! I didn't think about dessert," Obi-Wan began to panic.
"Don't worry, Padawan. You don't have to worry about making desserts," Qui-Gon comforted him," Thirty-nine meals left?"
"Thirty-nine, then."
END?
+ A/N: Ok, I'm not sure if the fanfic should just end here or if I should add some chapters to it. In a review, say if you think it's fine as is, or if I should write chapters that include some more of the days that Obi-Wan cooks.
A/N 2: Can you find the reference to the TV show LOST? In a review, say what you think it is. If you, the people reading this fanfic, decide that I should add some chapters, I'll write who guessed the reference in the chapters. If there are no other chapters, then I'll think of another way to tell you.