A/N: It is finally here, the sequel to Return of the Fic, "Harry Potter and the Muffin of Fire". So you might be asking yourself, why is this named after some bread? Well, there is a very complex answer to that. It was either this or the "Jug of Fire" and this has so much more zing! Sitting in my kitchen eating a muffin and thinking of the next fic title, it just seemed right.

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters are J.K.Rowling's

Harry Potter and the Muffin of Fire

If someone were to come across the Riddle House one dark and stormy night, one might find the Dark Lord himself, the most evil wizard of all time, doing his most evil tasks that one can ever think of.

"That is absolutely the last time I go to a Death Eater Meeting in wrinkled attire," said Voldermort as he ironed his clothes. He was wearing his favorite bathrobe, the one with the dancing teddy bears.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked, looking around the room suspiciously.

For you see, unlike the other Harry Potter books, the first chapters and lines always went to Harry and never to some evil overlord. It wasn't in the job description.

"I get an opening chapter? Finally!" he shouted as he ran to his make-up counter and applied more white powder to his face. Wormtail burst into the room, but tripped on the carpet.

"Master what's going on?" he asked.

"Didn't you hear man?! We got dibs on opening lines!"

"Sweet!" Wormtail squeed like a little girl. "Should we two-way Lucius?" he asked as he took out his cell phone.

"Hell's yea"

After much squeeing from both Wormtail and Lucius, Voldermort ran into the sitting room, putting on his robes and his red contact lenses.

"How do I look?" he asked his faithful lackey.

"Creepy as hell."

"Good, Good"

They sat in silence for a moment.

"So....what happens now?" he asked Voldermort.

"Well we could get drunk and break things to head-banging music" shrugged Wormtail.

"Nah, we did that yesterday"

"Well we could discuss your super secret plan in front of the prying ears of Jim the Janitor" said Wormtail as he walked over to a door and Jim fell out.

"I like it!" said You-Know-Who.

"We'll call you back in five minutes" said Wormtail to Jim.

Jim nodded and left.

"Alright here is the plan." said Voldermort as he pulled down a chart. "We go to Mad-Eye-Moody's House and put him in a jar. Then we get some dude to impersonate him all year at Hogwarts, and get Potter into the Tri-Wizard tournament that has been conveniently scheduled this year to be at his school. The dude helps him win every event, win the cup and transport him to me," he finished as he rubbed his hands together. "It's fool-proof!"

"Master, don't you remember your last fool-proof plan?

14 years ago...

Voldermort and Wormtail were standing outside the Potter Residence.

"Alright, I'll be out in five minutes" he said.

"Master are you sure this is going to work?" said Wormtail who back then was sporting a long mane of black hair.

"What could possibly go wrong?"

5 minutes later...

"Don't say word!" roared the creepy blob that used to be Voldermort. Wormtail sighed and scooped the used to be evil wizard up and threw him in a garbage bag. He walked away whistling a merry tune to himself as he heard incoherent mumbling from the bag.

End off creepy blob flashback....

"Ah memories," he said as he dabbed his scarlet eyes with a tissue.

"That sounds like a lot of work. Couldn't I just sneak up behind Potter and hit him with a book or something?"

"Yes, but the fans are expecting an awesome, mind-blowing four hour movie. Besides, what director would make a movie about a book?"

Somewhere else....

"Okay, anddddd action!" yelled some director that nobody knew about.

A prop guy dropped a book down a flight of stairs. The stunt man dove after but knocked himself unconscious. There was silence.

"That was just....BRILLIANT! Academy Awards here I come!" yelled the director guy.

Back at the Riddle House....

"Besides I need someone to portray my evil genius that is me and my aspiration for world domination."

Somewhere in a small club house the members of "Aspiring actors to play evil bad guys bent on world domination" cheered knowing that one of them would play Voldermort.

"Hello? I have a dentist appointment at three so I really need to say my lines now" said Jim the janitor as he entered the room.

"Ah yes. Bippity Boppity Boop!"

"Thank you" and with that Jim died.

"Master, I just thought of something else"

"What?" he said thought gritted teeth.

"By all accounts, you don't get your body back until the end of book 4; you should be a blob right now. This doesn't make sense"

He was right. The Dark Lord could only do one thing to justify this great...injustice.

He threw Wormtail down the stairs.

Being an evil overlord wasn't easy.

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First chapter! I know it was a bit short but this came to me spur the moment spontaneous thing. Now that you have read, there is one thing to do...Review!