Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or any of the characters that appear in the anime/manga series. I like cake.
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A/N: Umm, okay. So, like, the first two pretty much wrote themselves. Hell, the Chouji monologue totally took an idea I didn't even consider as I started writing and worked itself out. Unfortunately, here's where things get tricky, and where I usually am unable to keep going. I'll write maybe 3/4ths of a chapter, decide I don't like it, and never attempt it again. So if this suddenly stops getting updated, you'll know why.
And please don't ask me where the ideas for this one came from. I honestly don't know, and I don't really need to…
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So I'm walking along the road from my favorite training area to Gai-sensei's house, right? And, you know, right away, I can just tell that something's gonna go wrong today. I can just tell it. How? Well, you see, whenever something goes bad around me… I can feel it. Before it happens, I mean. And then all of a sudden I'm like picking up these clues left and right until it hits me. POW! Just hits me.
So naturally, my incredibly youthful spirit immediately detects my first clue. Now, not a whole lot of people know this, but I'm a very large fan of detective stories. Gumshoes, magnifying lenses, and even the beige trenchcoats just get my heart pumping and there's no feeling in the world quite like it. Of course, I'd prefer a green trenchcoat myself, but… Anyhow, Gai-sensei always tells us that a shinobi must be helpful, so of course I'm going to crack this case and fix the problem, or my name isn't Rock Lee, the beautiful Azure Beast of Konoha.
Anyhow, so we're back to the first clue. It's a shoeprint. All the best clues are. I pull out my trusty magnifying lens. This case is going to be a doozy, I can feel it. I examine the shoeprint. I look it up and down. It takes me mere moments to realize the significance of this particular shoeprint. There's just one shoeprint! I'm ecstatic, I've just blown this case wide op… oh forget it. There's the other one. Back to the shoeprint again.
I examine it closely this time. Don't want to make another rookie mistake like before. We're looking at a size 7 shoeprint. Female, with high heels, most likely, judging by the heel. Estimated average female with an average size 7 foot would be of average height, average weight, average hair color… I look over the shoeprint again. The sleuth inside me is still rattling off details. My youthful spirit stirs. This isn't the time for facts, it's time for action! I follow the shoeprints and it takes me directly in front of Gai-sensei's door.
I have an epiphany. There's the shoeprints leading to the door, but none leaving it. I hurry around to the other side of the house. Nothing. That rules out any possibility of the owner of the shoeprint leaping over Gai-sensei's house. She's inside. Whoa there, cowboy! My inner sleuth interrupts me. There's a possibility that it could be a man wearing a female shoe that's inside Gai's house. I recoil. The thought had never entered my mind. What if, some man broke into Gai-sensei's house wearing female shoes, did whatever it is he came to do, and left? Or even worse, what if he's in there, waiting for Gai-sensei or me to come home, plotting unspeakable plots, thinking unthinkable thoughts, and all around being a rouge, a villain, a rascal, a scoundrel, a bad guy?
Stay calm, Lee, you're in full control of the situation. The sleuth told me. I agreed, hesitantly. I ran back around the house. The very image I dread now fills my eyes. Gai-sensei's footprints also end at his door. How could I have missed it the first time around? I examine the footprint. It's fresh. I touch the dirt. Fresh. I taste it. Nope, still fresh. I hear the most dreadful sound I've ever heard in my life. It sends chills down my spine, and my heart skips a beat, all in one. It was a moan. Not just any moan, either, but a true moan of agony, one that is emitted only by creatures reduced to nothing but their most basic emotions, such as anger, pain, and fear. What's worse, it's Gai-sensei's voice. I can recognize it anywhere, I'm not his prized student for nothing.
I focus chakra into my legs. My inner sleuth breaks out the magnums. I pause. What the heck is a magnum? I shake myself out of it. This wasn't the time for questions, I'm going to save Gai-sensei!
I kick the door down. There's nobody there. Another moan. It's upstairs. I rush up. Once more the dreaded sound comes out. No mistaking it, it's coming from Gai-sensei's room. Has the villain ambushed my poor sensei in his own room? Oh, the injustice, the great wrongdoing! A man's home is his castle, but it should not have to be protected like one. I kick this door down too.
My eyes deceive me. It cannot be. My poor sensei's wrists are all tied up to his bedposts, and he has been stripped to his barest undergarments! My youthful passion burns with the flame of a thousand forest fires. I spot the culprit, still at the scene of the crime, she's… wearing… nothing?
Anko-sensei looks up, surprised and confused. So is Gai-sensei. My mind fails to register the scene my eyes are taking in.
GAI-SENSEI!
LEEEEEEE!
Gai-sensei's glaring at me. That's not good. He usually punches me when he glares like that. Good thing his hands are tied, I suppose. All of a sudden, it hits me. POW! Again. Another epiphany. That's twice in one day, a new record.
I realize, all of a sudden, that things are not as they seem. They never are. Gai-sensei was evidently not in any real trouble, after all. I try to back out of the room slowly.
"LEE!" My sensei yells at me. "DO THREE HUNDRED LAPS AROUND KONOHA!"
"Y-YES, SIR!"
"TWO THOUSAND SIT UPS!"
"YES SIR!"
"AND THREE THOUSAND JUMPING JACKS!"
"YES SIR!"
"AND GET OUT!"
"YES SIR!"
I retreated from the room hastily. As I go to run my three hundred laps, I could faintly hear Anko-sensei speaking.
"Well, that sure killed the mood."