Live or Die
Allie Helms
Chapter Nine
Life and Death
And I know there will be no tears in heaven.
! NINE MONTHS AFTER THE BATTLE OF MUSAFAR
It was August 11th of what would be 2007 in my world that I left four years ago. I was lying in a hospital bed resting. That morning had given birth to two children. They were my twins and the twins of my husband who was long gone. One was a son Luke and the other a daughter Leia.
They were beautiful children. They had their father's eyes, and their mother's attitude.
I was staying at the new Rebel base of Yavin 4. The forest planet was beautiful, but not to me. I couldn't see the abundant forest, or lovely stars all I could see was Mustafar. It was burned in my mind. It haunted me wherever I went.
Why did he do this to me? I asked myself in my head. He loved me that's why. He killed off everything I loved. I felt tears come to my eyes. Ever since my return from Mustafar I had fallen into a deep depression I couldn't get out of.
I thought about the last kiss I received from him. It was all his love, evil, anger, compassion and confusion put into one. I could feel what he felt, and I was frustrating.
Yoda exiled himself to Dagobah. It was a swampy planet, but he was meant to go there. Obi-wan stayed with me, which I was grateful for. Padme also stayed with me. Her and I lead the rebellion side by side.
These past nine months I became quiet and didn't speak unless someone asked me a question. My thoughts seemed to always be bent on Anakin. He was my world. I had failed Anakin. Now I knew all he was was a machine that couldn't breath.
I stopped carrying my lightsabers around with me. I put them up along with Anakin's. Just then a voice took me out of my musings. "November," I heard the sweet voice of Padme. I looked at her in the doorway, and nodded. "Are you okay?" she asked.
I looked down at my journal, "Every time someone asks me if I'm okay it's just a reminder that I'm not."
She frowned at me then came and sat beside me on the bed. "What are you writing? Can I read it?" she asked. I nodded and handed it to her. She started to read it out loud.
My heart is burning my soul
The darkness welling up inside of me
Hurting thy mind
If only I could stay alive
Just a little bit longer to see thee
Just a little bit longer to hear thee's voice
My eyes are watering my tears
The passion building through my veins
Whoing thy lungs
If only I could walk
Just a little bit longer to have thee dance with me
Just a little bit longer to have the walk along the sand
My voice is rumbling my thoughts
The ambition piling up in my stomach
If only I could hear
Just a little bit longer to hear thee's breathing
Just a little bit longer to hear thee's eyes blink
My heart is burning thy soul
Thou darkness welling up inside of me
Hurting thy mind
If only thou could stay alive.
She looked up to me a little sad. "Padme," I began. "When I do die I want you to take Leia. She can learn a lot from you, and when you take her tell her stories about her mother and father . . ."
"No, November don't talk like that. You are not going to die," she said.
I looked at her. "Hey! I am going to die," I said tears coming into both of our eyes. "Don't do what Anakin did, but you take Leia okay. She will be safe with you. I want you to raise her on Naboo near the lake country. Do you understand me?" She nodded.
"Will you sing to me one last time though?" she asked.
I nodded, "This one is for you Anakin."
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide eyed fears
I'm hear nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here with you beside you
To guard you and to guide you
Say you love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you always beside me
To hold me and to hide me
And say you'll share with me
One love one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you'll need me with you here beside you
Anywhere you go let me go too
Annie that's all I ask of you
Say you'll share with me on love one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me each night each morning
Say you love me
Love me
That's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go let me go too
Love me
That's all I ask of you
At the end I broke down crying.
! THREE MONTHS TO THE DAY AFTER THE BIRTH OF THE TWINS
I was sitting in my room flipping through my journal. I then turned to look at my beautiful children. I walked over to their cribs. They were both sleeping. I looked over to Leia. He small stomach was moving up and down as she breathed. I smiled down at her with tears in my eyes. Then I looked over to Luke. He had his thumb in his mouth and was sucking away. I started to cry.
I walked over to the window and looked up to the stars. I saw a meteor shoot by, and it made me think of Anakin. I then walked over to my journal that I left on my bed, and took it over to my desk. I took a pen, and started to write a letter.
Dear Padme,
Remember what I told you? I want you to take Leia to Naboo near the lake country, and raise her as your own, but I want you to tell her the good stories about her mother and father. Show her all the pictures you can of us. I just want her to know the good stuff.
I also have something to say to you before I die. Thank you. You befriended me when I was lost in a new world. You stuck by me when Anakin turned, and you put us with my sarcastic remarks. They say friends are the angels you can see, and you are truly an angel Padme. You were a great queen and even a better Senator. You brought peace to the Galaxy, and now the Rebellion counts on you to restore it. I know you will do well.
I believe there is something left for you. You will find love or fortune, and live a happy life. I just ask you one thing. Do not ever forget me. I love you like the sister I never had, and I will miss you when I'm gone, and whether I go to heaven or hell I will wait for you. I promise. I love you.
Love
Lady Jedi November
Rose Lee Skywalker
Dear Obi-wan,
Obi-wan I'm sorry I am going to die this way, but I can't live with the pain. I do love my children, and that is why I am giving them good homes.
I want you to take Luke to Anakin's relatives on Tatooine. I want you to stay and watch over him, teach him the way of the Force, and tell him good things about his father and i. He needs to know.
I also would like to thank you. You saw something in me that I would never be able to understand. You gave me a life I just had to complete it, and I did. You are like my brother Obi-wan and I don't want to leave you, but we will meet each other in the Force someday. I know it. The ironic part was it all started with anger and ended with suffering. Thank you.
Love
Lady Jedi November
Rose Lee Skywalker
Dear Yoda,
I know your wise words of in life the best revenge is living, but revenge is against the Jedi Code. So, I will not be living. I just wanted to say that I know what you mean by black and white. You said that, "Innocence you still have, is what white resembles. All that can destroy you, black resembles. Balance and out weigh each other can. If out weighed one is, the other can take over."
I know that in order for them to be balanced all the aspects within them need to be balanced. All the things that kept me innocent like Anakin, the Order, the Council and Fayanna had to be balanced. Well they all got off balance so I became off balance, and I t was innocence over destruction but destruction over innocence.
Thank you, Yoda. You were a true friend and mentor the best that I could have asked for.
Love
Lady Jedi November
Rose Lee Skywalker.
Dear Luke,
I know that when you read this the war between the Empire, and the Rebellion will be over, but I want you to know that I loved your father very much. He did things to help me in every way that you couldn't imagine. He was my savior.
When you find out that he is Darth Vader I want you to know that he was lied to. He got confused, and everybody who was in that ordeal got confused, but him more than anything. Forgive him, and bring him back. He will be redeemed.
Love,
Your Mother
Lady Jedi November
Rose Lee Skywalker
Dear Leia,
I want you to be good for Padme, and I want you to find a perfect love. You will lead the Rebellion when you get older, and I will be very proud of you. The reason I died was not because I didn't love you and your brother. I did with all my heart. It's just the fall of your father hurt so much. You and your brother will be the only living Skywalker.
I love you sweetie, and what your father did doesn't mean he doesn't love you either. Just forgive him, and it will be easier to pull him back to the good side. I love you.
Love
Your Mother
Lady Jedi November
Rose Lee Skywalker
Dear Anakin,
I'm probably going to ramble on, but there are things I want you to know. I still love you, and I know you are wrong but you are just living a lie you have not yet discovered. I love you. I swear that's true I could never live without you. That is why I am dying.
Anakin, evil is always possible, and goodness is eternally difficult, but you still have to find the good in you.
Do you remember our love? Remember our love was forbidden, and the Council let it happen anyway? The reason I love you is you saved me. Our code was a Jedi shall not know anger nor hatred nor love, but we knew each one of them by heart. We lived them and breathed them. They were our life, and I don't regret it. Do you? I hope not.
I can't stand to think about what might have been. We would have a lovely life with our children. We would be raising them by the lake on Naboo. It would be a beautiful, but we aren't fate made us this way.
And I want to hate you so bad but I can't. I love you too much to have room for hate. I also tried to erase every part of you, but the scar you left behind will always remain, and remind me of our love.
When I hear the word love I think of you and me not like we are now, but together. I want to be with you to feel your kiss one more time, to love you one more time, to have your scent in my nose one more time.
Before love my heart was a black hole. After love I had no heart. I don't know which is better, but I know when I meet you in the Force you will be with me forever, and I will have a heart again.
I remember the first time I looked into your eyes. I saw what was missing from my heart. You were apart of me. You took me and molded me into the warrior I am today. Thank you for loving me. Thank you so much.
And I know when I lay in my eternal sleep it will be full of faded dreams. I will never forget you though. I promise. You were my once upon a time, and once upon a time I danced with an angel, and the angel was you. You were my perfect love, and always will be.
Love me that's all I ask of you, Anakin.
Love
Your Wife
Lady Jedi November
Rose Lee Skywalker
I was balling now. I then opened up to the front of the book and wrote a caption:
To live is to love.
To love is to die 1,000 deaths
And survive.
I then closed the journal, and walked into the kitchen of my apartment. I took out a knife and went, and sat on the balcony. I pressed to blade to my wrist and cut a painful 'x' on it. "So they know I sent myself," I said.
Then I took the blade upon my breast, and pressed it down. I had pressed it all the way down when Padme and Obi-wan came in to see me bleeding all over my dress. They came rushing over. "The journal it's in my bedroom," I said in a whisper. They nodded.
"November why?" they asked.
I looked at them. "There is good in him. There is good . . . still," I said with my last breath.