"The End and the Beginning"
Luke heard the words echo in his ears and he felt sick to his stomach. He wondered how this could have happened. He was so certain. He figured he got what he deserved for being so naïve and foolish. Lorelai had been right all along.
"Are you okay Mr. Danes?" his lawyer asked.
Luke was sitting in a chair across from this lawyer's desk and he was leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees, head down.
"I'm…yeah, I'm fine," Luke said looking up. "I'm sorry I wasted your time with all this." He willed himself to stand and look composed.
"I wouldn't call it a waste of time Mr. Danes," his lawyer replied. "Finding out that you're not biologically related to this child is going to save you a lot of time and trouble."
"Right," Luke said trying to look relieved. "Well I appreciate your time."
"If you need anything else in the future please don't hesitate to call."
"I'll be sure to do that," Luke said as he exited the office. He walked out into the cold autumn air and didn't bother to put on his jacket. It was a windy, but beautiful fall day. Most of the leaves on the tress had fallen and some were circling around his feet like miniature cyclones down the road. Luke marveled at how the birds still sang and the sun shown brightly when deep down inside he felt that his mood was more suited to rain, lightning and thunder.
He made his way to the parking lot and he stopped before reaching his car to catch his breath. He hadn't realized it but he had set off at such a brisk pace from the lawyer's office that he had actually being running to his car. It was as if he had somewhere pressing to be, when in reality he didn't.
"There is a 99.9 percent certainty that you are not this girl's father," his lawyer's voice rang in his ears.
"But there was an initial test done that said I was," Luke protested.
"I realize that and that is why I insisted the test be run again. The original samples must have been tampered with or mixed up the first time. That's why we require independent testing."
Luke thought about the little girl, April, who he thought was his daughter. She really didn't look much like him. She didn't have his mannerisms. She seemed to be brilliant, outgoing and talkative. All the traits that stuck out about her had nothing to do with Luke. The trait she possessed that Luke thought he might have been responsible for was April's brown hair. Anna also had brown hair, but it seemed lighter than his own.
Luke felt his heart beating fast and although it should have made him feel alive, somehow he didn't even realize his heart was beating. Everything seemed distant and surreal. It was almost as if he expected to wake up from a fuzzy dream, but that wasn't going to happen. He didn't have a conscious thought for destination in his mind when he got into the truck and started it. It wasn't until he was pulling into Anna's driveway that he realized where he'd driven.
Luke got out of the car and stomped up the front steps to the front door. He balled his hand into a fist and banged on the door with all his might. He knew that Anna didn't work during the day and that she was home. She eventually answered the door and Luke gave her a hard stare.
"I assume you know," he said bitterly.
"Yes, our lawyer called this morning," she replied coming out onto the porch and closing the door behind her lightly. "Could you lower your voice? The boys are sleeping."
"I don't really care about the boys Anna," Luke said tersely. "I care about the fact that you had me believing that I was April's father and I'm not."
"I didn't have you believing anything," she defended herself. "I didn't know April was doing these tests in the first place."
"My life has been turned upside down over this," Luke said. "I was having a contractor rethink the floor plan of my house to accommodate April's visits. I was getting used to the idea that I had a daughter and now I have nothing."
"I never asked you to do that," Anna said. "I never asked for your help or your input. You took it upon yourself to rethink floor plans and talk to April okay? Let's get that straight because I never asked for you to be in the picture."
"But I was," Luke said tersely. "Do you have any idea how this has affected me?"
"No I don't," Anna replied a bit unsympathetically. "I never wanted you in the picture. To be honest with you I never thought you were really her father. I'm sorry that there was something missing in your life that you felt you had to cling onto the idea that April was your daughter, but she's not. I think I'm well within my rights to ask you to just stay away. I'll tell April that you're not her father and when she's 30 we'll look back on this as barely a memory."
Luke stood flabbergasted for a moment when both he and Anna heard a car drive up into the driveway. April, her messy hair in pigtails, hopped out of the car and a smile spread across her face when she saw Luke. She ran over to her mother and Luke.
"Hi," she said happily.
"Hi April," Luke replied unsure of how to react to her. He had grown fond of her in their few visits and phone conversations.
"Did you come to visit me?" she asked. "I got an A on my book report. I did it on The Face on the Milk Carton because it reminded me of us a little bit."
"April, why don't you go inside," Anna said sweetly and she ushered her daughter toward the door.
"Why? Can Luke come in too? I was going to ask him to come to my school on career day," April told her mother. "Do you want to Luke? Everyone else's fathers have boring jobs in banks and stuff, but I think owing a diner is cool."
"April, please go inside," Anna said trying to usher her daughter inside the house.
"Will you think about it?" April asked Luke with wide eyes. Luke looked in her eyes and saw how big and round and innocent they were. She was asking him to be a part of her life. Luke wondered why this girl who was cute and smart and amazing had clung to him so quickly. He wondered why he had taken to her so easily if she wasn't his daughter. Was Anna right? Was there something missing in his life that made him susceptible to the charm of this little girl?
"April we need to talk," Luke said. He'd made the split second decision to tell April that he wasn't her father himself. He didn't care what Anna wanted or needed. Right now he only cared about the fact that he had to let this child go as much as it killed him to do it.
"No, you don't," Anna said alarmed.
"Please Anna," he said quietly. "Just let me be the one to do this."
Anna saw the sincere pain in Luke's eyes and she relented. "Fine," she said. She let go of April's shoulder and allowed her daughter to walk over to the man she thought was her father. "I'll be right over there," Anna said indicating that she'd be on the large porch sitting in the whicker chair.
"What's going on?" April asked.
"How about if we sit down," Luke said indicating the steps on the front porch.
"Okay," April said hesitantly. "Do you not want to come to career day? You don't have to if you don't want. I just thought it might be fun for us to do together."
"It would be fun," Luke said sitting down next to her. "But I think you might want to have your dad go with you."
"You are my dad," April said.
Luke took a deep breath and summoned the courage to break the girl's heart. "I know that's what we thought," Luke began. "But sometimes what you think and what's real are two different things."
"What are you talking about?" April asked.
"Families are made up of a bunch of different people," Luke said trying to explain this to her in the easiest way he knew. "Sometimes there are stepfathers and sometimes there are half-brothers, but in the end it doesn't really matter if you're blood-related or not."
"Okay," April said not following Luke at all.
"The thing is," Luke tried to explain when he sensed her confusion. "I think you're a wonderful little girl. You're a lot smarter than most of the adults that I know and I feel lucky that you'd even want me to be your father."
"You don't want to be my dad?" April asked suddenly. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, no that that's not what I'm trying to say," Luke said quickly. "I'd be honored to be your dad and I've just come to realize how just how much I really wanted to be. But I got the results of our second DNA test today and it says that I'm not your dad."
"Yes you are," April said, her pale green eyes filling with tears. "I did the test myself. I know you're my dad!"
"I'm not April," Luke said trying to keep the girl calm. He felt a familiar pressure in his chest and he thought for a moment that it might kill him.
"Yes you are," April yelled. "Why don't you want to be my dad? I know you are!"
"April, sweetie, he's not your dad," Anna said walking over and trying to comfort her daughter.
"I know he is. I did the results myself."
"They were wrong honey," Anna said rubbing her back. "The lab did the test twice and Luke isn't your father."
"I'm sorry," Luke said feebly standing.
"It's not fair," April said as she began to cry harder. "I know I did the test right."
"I know you thought you did sweetheart," Anna said.
"Does this mean I'm never gonna see you again?" April cried.
"You can visit the diner with your family any time you want," Luke said as his heart was breaking.
April continued to cry and she buried her head into Anna's shoulder. Anna gave Luke a look that was, for the first time, sympathetic. She sort of cocked her head to the side and Luke knew that it would be best for him to go now. April wasn't taking the news well and it would be easier if he weren't around.
Luke walked down the steps and started across the yard to his truck. He hadn't gotten very far when he heard April wail, "I wanted it to be him."
Luke felt as if someone had knocked the wind out of him. "Me too," he murmured to himself as he hopped into his truck and backed down April's driveway for the last time.
"Luke?" Lorelai called as she walked across the lawn to the bench where he was seated. She had been looking for him for the last few hours. They had made plans to meet for dinner and when Luke didn't show up at the inn she became alarmed. After calling the diner she found out that Luke had gotten a call from his lawyer and went to a meeting. Lorelai wasn't sure what the lawyer could have told Luke, but she worried until she saw him sitting on a bench in the park.
"Luke," she said as she got closer. "I was so worried about you. How long have you been sitting here?" She sat down next to him and noticed that his eyes looked puffy. If she didn't know any better she would have thought that Luke had, at some point that evening, been crying.
"What happened?" she asked him.
Luke turned to look at her as if she were an apparition. He had left April's around four o'clock and taken the longest route he could think of to get home. For some reason he decided to drive by his childhood home, the lake where he fished with his father, the high school and the tea room where his mother taught him which fork was used for salad and which was used for a meal. By the time he parked his truck he had forgotten about dinner and wandered over to the bench on which he was currently sitting. Nothing about the entire day had seemed real until he let his eyes focus on Lorelai.
Luke saw her empathetic face and her bright blue eyes and he wanted to lose himself in her forever. He reached out and threw his arms around her and she returned his hug tightly.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I'm fine," he said quietly. He pulled away from her and said simply, "She's not mine."
"What?" Lorelai said confused.
"Henry called me this afternoon," Luke began. "He said I needed to go to his office. I thought it had something to do with the case and a court date or something. When I got there he pulled out the new lab's DNA test result. It turns out you were right. I'm not April's father."
"Oh Luke," Lorelai said putting her arm around his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."
"Yeah," Luke scoffed. "I don't know what is wrong with me. I shouldn't be like this. How long did I really know her? A few weeks?"
Lorelai didn't know what to say in response to his question. She didn't know what was going through Luke's mind, but one thing was obvious—Luke had desperately wanted April to be his daughter. He wanted a child. Lorelai didn't have a chance to say anything before Luke continued to speak.
"The crazy thing is that I don't know anything about kids," Luke continued. Lorelai sensed a full rant coming. "I don't even particularly like them. I've told you this before. They're sticky and bouncing and one minute they're here and the next they're somewhere else. They should sell bells that you can attach to them like a collar just to keep track of them. But there was something about April."
"You thought she was yours," Lorelai said quietly. "It's different when they're yours."
"I guess," Luke mumbled. "I'm sorry. We were supposed to meet for dinner. Is it too late?"
Luke shifted on the bench and made a motion to stand until Lorelai pulled him back down on the bench.
"It's not a big deal," Lorelai said. "I'm not hungry."
"You're always hungry," Luke countered.
"Well I'm not hungry now," Lorelai said. "Does Anna know that you're not April's father?"
"Yeah," Luke sighed as he settled back down on the bench. "I went over there."
"You went to Anna's house?"
"I don't know what I was thinking. No, wait, I wasn't thinking. I got the news from Henry and I jumped in the truck and started driving. It was like I didn't have a conscious thought. I still don't know how I got there, but I did. It was like Anna didn't even care. She was almost relieved that I wasn't April's dad."
"I'm so sorry," said as she rubbed his back gently.
"That's not even the worst part," Luke scoffed. "The worst part was when April came home from school and invited me to the career day at her school. Apparently all the other dads are bankers and that's boring. Since I own a diner she wanted me to go."
Lorelai just waited for Luke to continue his story knowing that nothing she said in response could make him feel any better.
He took a deep breath as if to compose himself before he continued. "I told her that I'd like to go, but her dad should probably go with her and then," Luke's voice broke slightly but he did not cry. He cleared his throat lightly. "I told her that I wasn't her father."
Lorelai bit her upper lip in an attempt to stop her eyes from welling up with tears. She had never seen Luke this upset before and it killed her that she couldn't do anything to alleviate his pain.
"Luke," Lorelai started to say before his hand in the hair to stop her. It was as if he was telling her that if she spoke he might lose the composure he barely had a grip on.
"I'll be fine," he lied.
"What can I do?" Lorelai asked. "Tell me how to make this better."
"Being here with me is good," he said. "I should have called you. I'm sorry."
"You had a lot on your mind," Lorelai said.
"Yeah," Luke said absently. He thought for a moment before he decided to tell Lorelai how he'd spent his day. "You know, I was going to call you. I was getting ready to let you know about what happened and then I drove past the lake. I was driving home and I passed the lake and I thought about my dad. My dad wasn't a kid person. He was more of a hands-on, get your clothes dirty guy. He was great at building forts and fixing bikes but he was never the guy who'd give you a hug because you looked sad you know?"
"Sure," Lorelai replied. "My dad wasn't either. Of course my dad wasn't really the hands-on, get dirty kind of guy either."
"Yeah. You know even though he wasn't touchy-feely I knew that he loved me. We'd go fishing or work on that stupid boat together. He and my mom couldn't have been more different. I remember this one Thanksgiving."
Luke chuckled to himself before he continued. "My mom bought me this awful clip on tie and she spent hours coaxing me into these horrible brown slacks. She was so proud of my appearance. Well my dad came back from the store and he took me out to the garage to help him cut some wood. Of course he didn't notice my clothes and my mom was too preoccupied with Liz to notice I'd gone. The look on her face when I came in full of saw dust and primer was priceless."
"How old were you?"
"I must have been about seven or eight," Luke answered. "I'd never seen her that mad at my dad before. Of course he didn't have a clue why she was so upset. They were so different. They kind of remind me a little bit of us."
"Really?" Lorelai asked. Luke had nothing but find memories of his childhood and she knew his parents were very much in love. It made Lorelai happy to know that he compared their relationship to that of his parent's.
"Sure," Luke said. "Although I'd hope I would know better than to take our son out back to work in the garage on Thanksgiving."
"Our son?" Lorelai asked uneasily.
"Or daughter," Luke corrected himself. "I suppose girls don't like that kind of stuff huh?"
"Probably not," Lorelai said swallowing hard. "Luke, did we ever come to a decision on kids?"
"I'm sorry?" he asked.
"Well I know we talked about having kids sort of, but did we ever come down on a side?"
"I thought we decided yes," Luke said.
"I thought you were worried about being too old for kids," Lorelai reminded him.
"I don't think we should wait years if that's what you're asking," Luke replied. "I think that I'm probably going to be the old dad, but it's something I can live with. Where is this coming from?"
"You were just talking about kids like we were definitely for sure going to have them and I wasn't sure if we'd decided for sure."
"I thought we had."
"I didn't."
Luke sighed. "What are you telling me? Or, better yet, what are you not telling me?"
"I don't think we should have this conversation right now," Lorelai said trying to side-step the conversation.
"You started the conversation," Luke said. "Let's have it."
"Luke you just found out that April isn't your daughter and you're obviously upset about it. I don't think this is the best time to talk about this."
"You don't want kids," Luke said knowingly.
"I don't know," Lorelai relented.
The muscles in Luke's neck tightened and he tried to stretch to relieve the tension. "But you were upset about this April thing because you wanted to have kids with me. At least that's what I thought."
"I thought so too," Lorelai said. "It's just that the more I thought about it the more I wondered if it was what I wanted."
"Can I ask why," Luke said trying to keep his cool.
"It's like you said," Lorelai tried to explain clearly. "You'd be the old dad and I'd be the old mom. Having Rory was a lot of work and time and I was sixteen then. I don't know that I can imagine what it would be like now. We both work and the inn is still new and needs a lot of attention."
"Sookie has two kids," Luke responded.
"I understand that," Lorelai said. "I guess I'd just like some time to really think about it."
"So, let me see if I understand this," Luke said calmly. "You had a problem with me having a kid with Anna because you always thought that any children I had would be with you. But now that April isn't mine you have a problem with having kids with me at all."
"No, I didn't have a problem with you having a daughter," Lorelai said defensively.
"Please," Luke dismissed her.
"Hey," Lorelai said getting a bit more animated. "I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but neither were you. You didn't even tell me about her for weeks and now all of a sudden you're Father Knows Best?"
"No, I'm not," Luke said standing up. "But I really got to like the idea that I had a kid. I really want to have a kid with you and now you're telling me that it's not an option."
"I'm not telling you that it's not an option," Lorelai said standing to look him in the eye. "I'm telling you that I don't know right now. I'm not going to make a rash decision about having a kid because you feel like you lost a child today. This is a major life change that you're talking about and we're not even married yet."
"Yeah because you won't set a date," Luke snapped at her.
"Now that things with Rory seem to be getting better I think we should talk about it. I thought you were okay with that?"
"I guess I thought I was, but now I don't know," Luke said mocking her earlier statement.
"I know you've had a rough day and I know this conversation isn't one you should be having right now, but you have no right to sit here all high and mighty about this."
"Whose high and mighty? I thought we were done with this conversation. I thought we decided that kids would be good. You laid next to me in my apartment and told me kids would be good and now you're changing your mind."
"I know what I said," Lorelai conceded. "I love the idea of having a child with you. But ideas and actual reality are two completely different things."
"What are you telling me?"
"I'm saying," Lorelai sighed before sitting back down on the bench. "I'm saying that I don't know what I want. As much as I'm in love with the idea of a little you running around in flannel diapers I just don't know if I'm ready to do it all again. I almost feel like this is our time. It's taken us so long to get here and maybe I'm being selfish, but I just think about how good it is right now and in a way I don't really want it to change."
Luke nodded and sat down next to her. He sat silent for a moment knowing that what he was about to say would change everything. "We don't have to decide anything right now," he said calming down as he placing his hand on her leg. "You're right. I'm not really in a place to make any life-altering decisions. I guess I was just thinking about April and my childhood and I always thought I would have a kid eventually."
"I'm sorry," Lorelai said quietly. She didn't want to discuss the topic further because she truly didn't know what to say.
They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. Lorelai felt guilty about not being able to jump on the child bandwagon and she knew there was nothing she could say or do to give Luke any comfort about April or about their conversation regarding children.
Luke knew that his fate was sealed. If he knew one thing for certain it was that Lorelai had made up her mind about children. She wasn't fully convinced that she wanted another child and there wasn't much he could say or do to change her mind. He knew she was sincere when she spoke of her fantasy of having a child with him, but he also knew that she wasn't as in love with the fantasy as he was.
Ever since they'd stated dating, before they were engaged, Luke knew that he wanted to have children with Lorelai. He'd come to realize that he'd conjured a perfect picture of what their daughter would like. It was always a girl. Most men wanted strapping boys to play catch with, but for some reason their child was consistently girl. She had Lorelai's bright blue eyes and her bubbly personality. She was self-reliant and scrappy but, unlike Lorelai, she could cook and fix things around the house. She was everything good about either of them put together and Luke realized at that very moment she was slipping away. He'd have to visit her in his mind because he knew that the chances of her actual conception were now slim to none. Luke just had to think about whether he was able to accept that.
He'd never thought about children before. He was too young when he was with Rachel. Too young and too screwed up over his life to even think of having children. Nicole? Well, Nicole wasn't mother material and Luke couldn't even imagine living with her seven days a week let alone having children with her, which was probably why their marriage ended in divorce. However, Lorelai was the exception. From day one Luke knew that if was ever going to have a child it would be with Lorelai. Now it looked like that wasn't ever going to happen. Luke realized that later on, when Lorelai was sleeping he would not only have to grieve the loss of April, but also the child he never knew he always wanted.
"You ready?" Luke asked Lorelai after a few minutes of silence.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I can't sit here anymore."
"Are we okay?"
"We're good," he said sincerely. "Let's go home."
"You know what I think you need?" Lorelai said as she stood up and Luke placed his arm around her shoulder.
"What's that?" Luke asked.
"Ice cream from that new place," Lorelai suggested. "The place where you can mix twelve different flavors and every topping you can think of together into one big bowl of goodness."
"One big bowl of death you mean," Luke said. "Do you have any idea how much fat is one scoop of that stuff?"
"Okay, how about if you order it and watch me eat it? It might make you feel better," Lorelai said.
"We'll see," he replied.
"We'll see?" Lorelai asked excited. "You've never given me that response in regard to ice cream before." Her smile was child-like and it seemed to radiate the night. Luke looked and Lorelai and suddenly felt extremely sad to know that he'd never see that expression on the face of their child.
"What the hell," Luke replied. "Let's go order some of that artery-clogging death."
"Here, here," Lorelai said. After a minute she added, "Luke, I really am sorry things didn't work out."
He knew that she meant she was sorry that April wasn't his child, but also that she wasn't sure if she wanted any more children. After all those years he could still read between the lines when she spoke to him.
"It's okay," he replied. "Let's go get some ice cream."
"Okay," Lorelai said. They walked a while before Lorelai added, "May 23rd."
"May 23rd?"
"That's when I think we should get married," she said softly.
"May 23rd it is," Luke replied as he leaned over and placed a small kiss on her forehead.
They walked through the square arm in arm, which was somewhat unusual, but then again it had been an unusual few weeks. So much had happened and yet it seemed that they were back at the beginning albeit with a much greater understanding of each other and where they were headed.
The End.
A/N: So there you have it. This is as far as I'm taking this story. I guess the moral is that I'd rather see Luke an emotional wreck than have him be the father of April. I'd also rather have the conflict between Luke and Lorelai be internal rather than Christopher. I hope you've enjoyed this and thanks for sticking with me even though it is based on a very unpopular spoiler.