My Immortal Love

By Kat-Lady

Warnings: Mentions of yaoi past and present, Deathfic, and by default angst.

'I don't want to go into our bedroom. It's foolish of me I know but even though it's been five years since he died I still have a hard time walking into our bedroom. I keep expecting to see him still there, reading, playing his violin with all of his soul, or just relaxing in the window seat. Even after all of these years his presence in this house is so strong that I can feel him in every part of it, but the sense of him is especially strong in our bedroom.'

I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

Trowa walked slowly towards the back of the house deep in thought as he was so often now, face set into an even more stony expression than it had been during the war, back then there had at least been the gleam of life and light in his eyes, now though even that last ember had died along with Quatre. He was hollow, an aching hole void of any hope or joy, all that remained now was a husk that trudged through the routine that had been placed before it.

After Quatre had died the rest of the pilots and most of the Preventers had watched Trowa carefully to "make sure he didn't do anything foolish" like kill himself, or anyone else. What they would never understand was that everything that had made him human and alive had died right along side Quatre and it would never get any better. 'The phrase "time heals all wounds" is a crock. Nothing can heal me, and nothing will make this wound better, it runs too deep.'

These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

Now Trowa spent most of his days wandering in his memories. Reliving his life, both the good times and the bad times, with Quatre. There had been times when the urge to be alone had been to much for him and he would leave for days at a time, going wherever his heart would lead him which had time and time again brought him back home. Quatre had always understood and always met him at the door with open arms and a smile on his beautiful face.

Now he regretted those solitary jaunts with all of his empty heart, he regretted every lone mission taken during the war; every day, hour, and minute that he had voluntarily given up that he could have spent with his angel. If only he had known that their time together would be so short he would have told the world where to cram their missions and problems that "only the Gundam Pilots could solve" to spend every waking and sleeping moment with his love.

During the war whenever they had parted from each other they had made sure to let each other know how much they loved the other in case they would never have the chance again "I love you for now, ever, and always. Dream of me." Were their closing words every time one of them left alone and their reunion was all the more sweeter because of the unexpected gift that was their lover had made it home to them safe once more. Trowa couldn't count the times that he had been greeted with happy tears from those heavenly blue eyes. He had always dried them with kisses and reassurances that yes he was fine but what about you?

After the zero incident it wasn't an unusual thing to be woken in the middle of the night by Quatre crying out from a nightmare where he had succeeded in killing Trowa. When he would wake to find his love next to him safe and whole his fears would retreat to the back of his mind, with Trowa guarding his dreams nothing could harm him.

Ten year, it sounds like a long time when said by itself but when you put it into terms of time spent with your soulmate it is far too short a time to be accepted. While they were never quite as 'glompy' as Duo and Heero they were never out of one another's mind and all they needed was a look to tell each other how much they loved one another. Duo was always making jokes about the sappiness they could create with just a shared look or a touch. Their joined hands spoke volumes to the right witnesses and any potential interlopers knew instinctively that interference would not be tolerated. 'Even though you're gone Little one, you have my heart and soul with you so I know you aren't alone.'

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

'I remember waking up each morning and looking at your beautiful face, relaxed in sleep with that slight smile on your precious lips and your golden hair surrounding your face, you looked more like an angel than any human should have been able to. The inner light that you showed to the world at large that made people instinctively relax and pay attention to you only enforced my theory that you were a gift from heaven, given to us mere mortals as a promise that things would get better, a rainbow in mortal form. I would find myself mesmerized by your glow and I would have happily spent hours just staring at your sleeping form soaking up your comforting presence.

But with you gone all that's left is an aching hole and responsibilities that I cannot abandon, no matter how much I wish with all of the tattered remains of my being that I could join you. 'I love you for now, ever, and always. Dream of me.' You never got a chance to finish saying the words the last time we parted…the final time we parted. But I knew them well enough to see what you wanted to say by the look in your clear blue eyes, eyes that haunt my dreams and turn my once pleasant nightly escapes where we were together again to horrible visions of you lying broken and bloody on the ground with the bullet hole through your chest. No pain in your precious eyes, only a loving glow that spoke volumes to me. I spoke the words to you, only I changed the ending to "I'll dream of you." And I have, every night for the past five years.

I chased down the bastard that stole you from me and I remember that it took him a long time to die, but not long enough for me. I don't think I'm going to be away from you much longer my love, my grip on sanity has steadily been getting weaker every moment I'm away from you and I have lately been hearing your voice, your musical laughter, and your steady comforting breathing wherever I go. I almost broke my neck yesterday jumping down off of the stairs to get to the music room because I could have sworn I had heard a violin playing. It was a hauntingly beautiful melody that I had never heard before. I'm not sure if that was a sign that I'm going to be with you again but I hope so. I hope with everything I have left in this private hell that my life has become that I will be able to see you soon.'

You used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

'I miss you Quatre, more than I thought it possible to miss anyone. I know that when I go to meet you Catherine and the rest of our friends will be sad but they will understand that we'll finally be together forever and I don't think they will morn for long. Duo and Heero will be able to understand the easiest. They would act the same and they know it. Wufei will probably rant on about the injustice of it all but he will deal with it eventually but my sister will be the hardest hit. She will understand in her heart but in her mind it will be a different matter. Oh well, as sorry as I am that it will hurt them so, it doesn't mean that I won't be willing to come to you.'

These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

While having his silent conversation with his love Trowa had made it to the bedroom and lay down on his side of their cold bed. He hadn't had to turn on the lights to see the interior of the room, it hadn't changed once in the past five years.

Over on the window seat would be a book, open to page 284 with the page earmarked and a bobby pin marking the exact line Quatre had left it at. On the nightstand on Quatre's side of the bed would be a delicate wrot iron lamp that Duo had made given him for Christmas one year and a music box with an etched glass lid that Wufei had given to him when the war was over. The box played Quatre's favorite song, a delicate tinkling melody that Trowa could never find the name too.

Trowa had forbid any of the household staff to touch anything of Quatre's, after the one idiot stupid enough to ignore Trowa's warning had ended up in intensive care the rest of the staff stayed clear of any of Quatre's things. Only Rashid could get away with moving Quatre's things outside of the bedroom and even he felt hesitant to do it, even after five years. There were so many memories here that it hurt to look at anything but Trowa still couldn't bear to have Quatre's things moved. That would make everything too final, too real.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

'After the attack I was so deeply in denial that every car in the driveway was you coming home, ever time the phone rang it was you letting me know you where on your way home, every footstep in the house was yours and every time someone smiled it was because you had done something to brighten their day. After a year of that it started to sink in that you were really gone. My heart broke for real then, finally catching up with my soul. I've tried over and over again to tell myself that I need to face reality, you are gone. You are not coming back and I should just accept it. But I know deep within me that that would be wrong. Even though I'm all alone and silently screaming into this void left when you were taken away from me you are still here. I'm hearing you and feeling you more frequently. As a matter of fact I can feel you…right…now.'

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

"Quatre?" Trowa asked with tears making his voice waver when he turned to the constantly cold half of their bed and there he was, laying next to him on the bed facing Trowa with a loving smile on his lips. He reached out with one hand and stroked Trowa's shocked and hopeful face wiping away the fresh tears that appeared there. "Is that really you or are you in my mind as well?"

'Please let this be real, please let his be real, oh please oh please oh please.' He repeated in a litany over and over in his mind. He would give anything for this to be real.

"It's really me this time beloved. I can not begin to tell you how sorry I am that I left you like that even after I promised you that I wouldn't. I was here with you the whole time though. Every time you wished that I was here I could hear you and would hold your hand. The only time you were able to see me was when you were dreaming and even that started to get to difficult for me as you got sadder. I can't stand to see you like this any longer my love."

Trowa's tears had started falling in earnest now. Quatre had been here the whole time? How was it that he had not felt his other half's presence in all of these years? But then he thought back to all of the times when he was sure that he had felt him and it all fell into place. He hadn't been going mad, the others were wrong. Quatre had been there. He had never left him.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

"Trowa?" Quatre asked raising Trowa's chin so that their eyes met once again. "Will you come with me? I have to leave for good this time, and I told them that I wouldn't go without you so they gave me the chance to talk to you." Quatre's voice was it's usual soothing tone but there was a hesitation around his eyes. He knew what he was asking Trowa to give up. His friends, his family, his life, everything, just to go with him on to the next world. It hurt to have to ask this but he didn't want Trowa to suffer anymore and he knew it would only get worse once he was gone for good.

Trowa didn't even hesitate. "What do I have to do?" He had the chance to be with Quatre again and he wasn't about to let it slip through his fingers. He'd do whatever he had to for the hope that he would be whole again.

Quatre's smile brightened up the darkness that had shrouded the room and Trowa's mind and he saw the room for what it really was, a sad empty place that only contained broken dreams. A tomb. There would be no regrets at all, not even a second thought.

"Just take my hand and kiss me." Quatre said, his smile never dimming. Actually it was glowing brighter if that was possible. In fact all of Quatre was starting to glow, a bright golden light lit the blond from within and as their hands clasped tightly and their lips met for the first time in five years the glow spread into Trowa.

When the glow had completely enveloped Trowa it flashed brightly for an instant before dimming back down to darkness. When the glow was gone so was Quatre. All that was left in the room was Trowa, laying on his bed facing the side that used to hold his other half and his hand resting on the space between. There were tear tracks on his cheeks and a smile of pure happiness on his lips. He was finally whole again.

And that was how the others found him the next day. At the funeral nobody could find it in themselves to be too sad. They knew that Trowa was finally at peace, he had not died, he had simply gone home. The last to leave the fresh gravesite was Catherine, she had not taken the news as hard as Trowa had feared, instead she was happy for her little brother. She knew that there was no place in the world he would rather be more and she was happy for him. Kneeling down she placed a kiss on the headstone and ran her hands across the words engraved there.

Trowa Barton

Loving Friend, Brother, and Husband

One half of an immortal love unseen in the world before,

Now reunited with the other.

You will be missed, but we'll meet again.

"Be happy little brother, I know you will be. I love you and I miss you but I know that you'll be there when it's my time so I want you to give that husband of yours a kiss for me and I'll see you eventually." She smiled slightly as she turned to the grave next to her brother's. "You take good care of him Quatre, you hear me? If I find out you haven't been I'm going to make you eat a ton of soup when it's my time to go." She placed a kiss on Quatre's headstone as well and stood up, dusting off her knees as she turned to go.

She had only taken a couple of steps when a warm breeze swept past her, blowing her black hat off and messing up her hair. Later she would swear that in that wind she had heard a violin and a flute playing a duet. And she smiled, all was finally made right, the two halves were whole once again.

Owari