Chapter 8: Long Night
Mal walks into Inara's shuttle without knocking as usual. Inara is brushing her hair at the mirror. She turns to face him.
"Hello Captain." No rebuke about barging in, no smart quip.
She has sad eyes, he thinks to himself.
He sits down on the sofa and fidgets. He's never comfortable here. Inara just waits.
"It was my fault."
"No Mal…"
He continues to talk over her. "Should never have brought them here. Knew he was trouble the moment I set eyes on him. Should have refused him passage…"
"Then he would have got snatched on Persephone or sold out by another crew."
Mal sighs. "I know."
"You did the right thing Mal," Inara lays down her brush on the dressing table. "You kept them alive…"
"No. I didn't. She's dead."
Inara winces and moves to his side in a rustle of silk. "There was nothing you could have done Mal. You tried…"
"Not hard enough. Shouldn't have punched him either."
Inara interrupts, "You punched Simon?"
Mal shifts guiltily. "Yeah. Not the best idea I'll admit. But I was so…" he gestures uselessly with his hands. "Seemed the quickest way to shut him up. Screaming like a moon brain outside a fed station." He sighs again. "But the bastards took her body. What sort of people do that?" Mal rubs his eyes. "There's wrong and there's wrong and there's this," his voice is breaking.
Inara takes his hand gently. She is sure he is shaking.
"Wish I'd left them on Whitefall," he mutters. "Wish they'd been strangers." He pulls his hand from hers and runs them violently through his hair. "Wish she'd been just another girl. Then I wouldn't…wouldn't…"
"Have cared?"
Mal looks up at her. "Yes."
"You're hurting Mal. It's ok to grieve. You don't have to hide everything Mal…"
He stands and the mask drops again. "Yes I do. If I crack then we fall apart. If I can't keep this crew together who will?"
Wash stares out of the window at the stars he normally loves so much and feels strangely empty. Twenty-three hours. Yet as clear as day he can see Simon's face when they walked out of that factory, and the bile still rises in his throat. He swallows. He knows that she is coming before her hands steal round his shoulders. Wash spins the chair slowly and pulls her onto his lap. He rests his forehead against hers and they say nothing for a long time. Zoë sees her husband mourning a girl they hardly knew. And she hates the fact that they weren't fast enough to save her, and save everyone this pain.
"She was so young…" she finally says breaking the silence.
Wash nods and squeezes her hand.
"If we'd just been quicker…" Zoë starts.
"Wouldn't have made a gorram difference," Mal strides into the bridge, looking dishevelled. His hair is sticking up at all angles. "I brought them to that rock. I brought Bester here to sell them out." He leans heavily against a locker.
Zoë catches his eye and knows exactly what he is thinking. My fault. Our fault. We got her killed.
Mal stares at the stars and thinks to himself, I shouldn't care. I can't care.
The three of them stay gazing out of the window at the stars in silence, lost to each other.
She was just a girl. Just a girl like me. Kaylee blinks away the tears from her eyes and takes a swig of coffee. It's the middle of the night, and she can't sleep. Just a girl. If I'd been born rich that could have been me.
Kaylee cradles her mug between her hands. River is dead. Why couldn't they have just left her alone?
Kaylee sips her coffee again. She's brewed it strong enough to strip paint. She knows she won't sleep tonight. Part of her is telling her to go to find Simon. It's obvious he hasn't been sleeping either. They touch down on Persephone in eight hours. River has been dead for twenty-seven. But she's not sure if Simon would even open his door. She saw them when they came back, saw all of them. Wash looking like he'd been crying. His eyes were all red. Mal and Zoë were practically carrying Simon between them, his arms round their shoulders. Zoë didn't say a word; she wouldn't meet anyone's eyes. Mal had looked at Book and shaken his head. His jaw clenched so tightly that Kaylee could see every tiny muscle. And Simon…Simon was just…broken. He was covered in mud, soaking wet and shivering violently all over. He didn't look like he knew where he was. Kaylee shudders at the memory, takes another swig of coffee and stares at the tabletop. She was just a girl like me.
Simon, clad only in a pair of grey pyjama trousers, continues to do slow push ups on his floor. Bend elbows, slowly down, breathe out, breathe in, slowly push up, repeat. He does this until his biceps start to burn. He barely pauses, and rolls onto his back, and starts a set of sit-ups. Can't think. Just concentrate on breathing. Muscles need oxygen or I'll get stitch. Breathe in breathe out. His stomach muscles begin to ache. Simon presses on with another set. Breath in breathe out. If he stops the sit-ups then he might stop breathing. Numb. One name and its like all the air has been sucked out of the room. Dizziness. Like altitude sickness. It makes him feel like the first time he walked in the Black. Just nothing. Simon collapses back on the floor, his abs screaming. He lies and stares at the ceiling and struggles to breathe for a few moments. His cheek is still purpled from Mal's punch. He forces himself to continue. He won't sleep tonight. And he can feel this at least.
"Red tin soldier."
It's the merest whisper but it makes Jayne's eyes flick round the cargo bay. He sets the weight bar back on its stand and sits up. The cargo bay is dark and empty. There's no sound except the soft thrum of the engines. Jayne is sure no one but Wash is still awake.
"He thinks it's just a game."
Jayne whips his head round to locate the sound. Maybe he just needs to sleep. Maybe he hit his head when he passed out. Maybe Zoë and Book missed something. Gorram doc sure as hell didn't check. He stands up and heads for the dining room, maybe a glass of water will help.
He finds Kaylee cradling a cup of coffee. She smiles ruefully up at him. "Join me?"
Jayne pours himself a cup and sits opposite her.
"Did she say anything? To Simon? Like a goodbye?" Kaylee asks hesitantly.
"Not out loud. She whispered her crazy talk in my head. Figure she did the same to him. Then I passed out. Don't remember."
"Don't let me down Jayne, don't let him drown," comes the girlish whisper in his ear again.