Author: hermiine Takes of after Persian Gulf. Mac can't deal with everything that has happened around her lately.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of this story.
Author's notes: I actually wrote this story quite a while ago and the whole idea to it is even older. I think for some people it needs to come with a bit of warning. It's quite dark at times. I did some reading on PTSD, but you should not take anything in the story as true. I've reread it several times and I think I've gotten most of the mistakes out of it, but I do own the ones still left in there. Unless something unexpected happens I should have finished posting it by Sunday. Hope you enjoy!
Part 1"Hey," Harm says looking very surprised. It's already quite late in the evening when I knock on his door. Through the door I have heard him playing his guitar, not quite been able to make out the melody I assumed he was improvising. He seems to be doing that a lot lately. I must be the last person he expected to see on the other side of the door.
"Hey," I say very quietly. I try to look straight into his eyes wondering if he can see something different in mine. Have last weeks events changed them? If the eyes really are the mirror of the soul then they must have change, because how can my soul still be the same after killing a man like that. Every time I close my eyes I see Sadiq lying on the floor out of reach of his gun. Will it never end? If I could only forget for just a little while. There has to be something that can make me forget.
"Come in," he says and he steps away from the door to let me in. He actually seems glad to see me. I step inside pulling the door closed behind me.
"Harm, I … ," I have to pause. I want to close my eyes so I can shut the whole world out, but it has become too many things inside of me that I want to shut out that it's completely impossible to accomplish that anymore. I step closer to him so I can feel his warm breath against my face. This must be what life smells like. I put my hand on his chest where I can feel his heart beat. It beats so regularly, so automatically, never missing a beat. Harm must be wondering what I'm doing. Maybe he thinks I'm going insane. Maybe I am. "I need you," I whisper. Now I stand even closer to him, I'm closer to his body, closer to his face.
"I … I'm there for you. Always," he says. I don't think he knows quite how to handle me right now. He doesn't know what I need. To be honest most times I don't know what I need either, so I can see why he gets confused. But right now I know exactly what I need, what I want and this time I'm going to tell him.
"I want you," I don't have to move my head a lot to reach up to kiss him. At first he's shocked. For a second he just stands there not pushing me away, but also not kissing me back. Then he gently puts his arms around me and pulls me even closer. He kisses me and I can feel it in my whole body. It's all that I can think about and it's all that my body feels. The kiss is not like the ones we've shared before. It isn't sweet and it isn't gentle. Passion and desire is what it speaks of. It's not going to stop at a kiss. At least I'm not going to stop it. That control is no longer mine, it was lost when I came here.
Things happen and I don't know who initiates them. I can't remember exactly what happened, all I can remember is his lips on my lips, his hands on my body and how it made me feel. We end up in his bedroom. I think by that time some of our clothing had already been taken off and we rid ourselves of the rest there. For the first time in a very long time I don't have to be afraid of my feelings, I can jump in and let them surround me, because everything that I'm feeling feels great and wonderful. There are no thoughts about the next day or the one after that. Right then it's only the present that exists.
No words are uttered during or afterwards. I don't have anything to say and I don't know what Harm's reason is for not talking. Something tells me I should leave. I shouldn't stay the night, tomorrow everything will be different and I don't want to wake up to that awkwardness. The monsters inside will be back by then as well. Right now however I can't leave him, because right now, probably for the one and only time, he's mine and I'm his.
TBC